The Wanted Isolation

I dreamed of peace, and I quest for the inner one. I wished to wake up one morning free of fear and hesitation to face the world. Walk onward to welcome life as what it is— define it as a place where pain and happiness conspires to make a better world. Later in my existence, I wished to be remembered not as the weakest person like what I am today—I desired for a tougher persona.

If not and if I really can’t be tough, I wished I am still the child who enjoyed the silence of the day and stillness of the night.

Living like a doll in a closet, I watched people passing by me, heard them laughing, looked at them cry—let me bring back those good memories and bring it to reality once again.

 How I yearn to be the child in solitude. Perhaps I am just scared of what I am right now making me feel the eagerness to go back in silence.

So true, being in isolation doesn’t mean loneliness at all. It is my life—my wanted one.

This is not my world. Mine is a quite place, where I live alone in silence, where I walk like a ghost and live the way I wanted to live… and my world where no one belittles me.

            Running away from here is tiring. This is reality and I know very well there is no way for me to run away... so I press on and fight to live.

             I have to live this life though I can’t be like the one I used to be

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December Pain

Obviously, it is Christmas day—25th day of December and today... I already have 21 Decembers in my life…and i guess, I'll be counting more painful Decembers to come. Well. Be reminded of Mr. Grinch who hated Christmas. I do hate this time of the year.

I remember back in my elementary years, I wrote a poem entitled “Is Christmas day not meant for me?” perhaps that explains my sentiments.

As an extra “ordinary” child, hearing from my friends that Christmas is coming saddened me a lot and brings me tears. That’s amazing though! I do know how to cry over life’s drama as young as I am instead of crying because of wounded knees. Those nights I watch my neighbors’ decorated with Christmas stuffs, while ours got nothing—lights off and the rest is sleeping. And on the 25th day of the year, we are all obliged to wake up early to help our parents bake cakes—for the customers. Each one of us is busy, greeting one another is not a big deal and we even ended up with fried egg and rice for lunch--the easiest food we could prepare.

This is what it takes being in a middle class family, we need to earn extra living and celebrating is just an option.

I thought I already overcome the pain, and sleeping before 12 in the midnight could make me leave behind the weeping thing—I was so wrong. I was trying to hold back the tears and keep it by myself. I feel sorry for myself to feel this kind of pain. I mean, I am so old to get hurt. I should be accepting the fact that today is just an ordinary day.

I was used to it; it is always the scenario—no more, no less. Though each year, I do wish I could spend one Christmas Eve together with my family. Have a Christmas filled with laughter and not of tears. That’s it; I was left wondering why.

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Something with Nothing

my friend Danaya (weng)

friend Rianne (Ate Marriane)

I spent my sembreak ’07 with one-eyed freak aliens. Sounds weird, it really was. I am known as Amihan I remember, and sometimes I intentionally switched my identity to “Kape”—a black one.  My friends and I met every night at Rocketon and we stroll around the planet—there were lots of places to go—planet phalanges, meow2, pine, Saturn, and …I can’t remember the rest… well, I do miss chatting with my alien friends Asukal and Rianne. And occasionally, Dianna my recruited friends joined us to fool around.

            So what’s with this alien? Nothing…

            Now for christmas break, I no longer visit rocketon but i still keep in touch with my alien buddies.. I now keep myself busy with my fluffy friend… a puppog facebook pet I named “Bricks” who live in a Bark kingdom… I been petting him for a month already and I am enjoying it, Again!

Not a smart idea though, to pet fluffy friend and monitor its mood and speed to prepare bricks ready for a race. Shop him some foods, habitats, and minis… mingle with some other fluffy friends… addicting… oh! Right, really sounds funny…

            And again, there is nothing about Bricks!

            I been so passionate on updating my multiply, friendster and facebook account everyday. Update my facebook mood status and I do Check my horoscope and tarot cards every morning when I woke up. That’s it, my life… sounds boring but I personally love it.

Yeah, it is nothing but it is simply my only way to express myself “completely”. 

There, someone told me I’m crazy spending times with it. Who cares about my blogs and pictures anyway? Who cares about my mood and status? Who cares about my life? Who cares if I express myself or not? That’s so true, no one… but I do.

I guess this is just my way to help myself realized what is happening around me. Those things I ignore unintentionally and tend to recognize only when I write and update my mood… I then have the chance to fix it for my own good. See, it is just a way of surviving life.

Originally posted at 

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Meaningful Death

It was just yesterday that I felt so tired of the world. No tricks, but there are still times I caught myself drowning in pain and wandering into lies of solitude. Moments I felt so light, I feel like flying while entering a dark vacuum—empty spaces, and still, moments of burden. Those are the mixtures of emotion that quivers my whole world. Destiny tried to blend my life smoothly, yet it failed.

I heard them from a distance. Yes, it was laughter I'm hearing, noises I been missing all these days. I heard them all. Whispers of laughter that echoes back to me like a roaring lion. It seems so near, but  I know very well its not.

It was a deafening laughter making me cry. Allow me then to shout it so loud; as loud as I can to pull them out from my system. I always wanted to be free and I been struggling to be.

One more step and I am entering the blissful dimension of my lonely existence. Perhaps, one more step… one million footsteps. One more try of a tiring walk of life. I am losing my spark to fight back. Sorrows of life keep me moving to find death. It was inspiring and it stirred me up to look for one.

            There, I decided to walk away wanting to free myself from a small world of loneliness that isolates me for years. I am seeking for meaningful death, the death of my loneliness.

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Prophecy.. Read it Right

..what we do, what we have, what we are, all depends upon what we think...    
   There are many instances in my life wherein my subconscious mind, perhaps, warned and informed me regarding how my future will be yet I disregarded them all those times.
        When I was in my 4th year high school, my adviser asked me to write a Class Prophecy. It only took me a night to finish my 10 pages article. I wrote down every single thing that crossed my mind. The first paragraph goes this way:
“Everything seems weird; all I remember was that I am a high school student of Maloco National High School. I thought it was just yesterday—time is so fast. I can’t believe myself I am entering a room with a sign on a door saying “the Doctor is IN” Cristy May B. Espańola, M.D. I am wearing a knee-length white gown and a stethoscope hangs on my shoulder. And on my hand I got a plane ticket to Aklan. I am going home after 10 long years—it is been such a long time I haven’t heard from my friends…”
    There goes my prophecy. After reading my piece in public during our JS Prom, someone sit beside me and asked “Are you serious you will not be home for 10 LONG YEARS, where will you be by then?” I just shrugged my shoulders--i dont know.
     Today, I wanted to see that curious man and tell him that I already got a good reason why I am not going home—one great reason of not going home.
    On April 14, 2002 I wrote a journal about my fantasy of studying at the University of the Philippines. During those times, I was not yet sure of pursuing on a Medicine degree due to financial instability. So I set my mind to study nursing instead and go abroad to seek greener Pasture.
        That same school year, I took an entrance exam at West Visayas State University for a degree in Nursing and at the same time, I did took the chance of applying in the UP for a pre-med course. I did pass both the exams but still I hold on to my decision of studying nursing till my mother told me I can go to U.P. and study medicine afterwards. There, that was the best news i ever heard.
        On the night of April 14, 2003 –that was a year after, I was packing my things and getting ready to attend the U.P. summer bridge program the following day.
        Recently, I remember in our literature class, we were asked to write a short story —topics that interests us will greatly do. A simple test on our imaginations. Then, I decided to write an article entitled “BUTTERFLY”—a sad ending story. It is all about how life being so unfair—like a caterpillar who struggled to climb up a tree, who wished someday to become a beautiful butterfly flying free from one garden to another, enjoying the nature and God’s blessings. A calm caterpillar working alone, strong and determined but unaware of the fact that she lives in an unjust big world—upon reaching the perfect place where she can undergo metamorphosis—the awaited moment of her life—poor caterpillar was attacked by a cruel hungry flying creatures. Deprived of something you struggled for after all the sacrifices you made.
        Let us just put it this way, some of us struggle yet often times we failed. others just sit down but got everything they need in just one snap.
        This is the way of the world of telling us life is unfair and living is a risk. We are indeed judged by our actions and people around us failed to recognized our intentions. We often times underestimate slow and sluggish people but we never know their intentions and potentials. Who are we to misjudge other people anyway? Do we have the right to judge one another?
        I continued the story and relate it with the life of poor charlotte. A young woman who been the best among people in her place—young as she was, she died of leukemia. Well, I hope it won’t happen to me—dying of leukemia!
       The story of charlotte also has its own sad romance. She was supposed to marry his childhood buddy in months and afterwards will enroll in a college of medicine at school nearby. But his fiancé happens to marry another woman (sounds familiar huh!) and she found out about her illness.
        When I wrote the story, I have no idea that what happens to charlotte will partly happen to me so soon. Though I am luckier than her, I still got chance to live because I decided to live. Maybe if I am weak, I'll be like Charlotte who dies after a love death.
        Everything happens with a silent alarm. i keep ignoring it before but starting today I should be more aware of things that crosses my mind. Things I never intend to say might be someday become meaningful. There is always a meaning behind every dream we made.

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The Ghost in Me

What I got today as I woke up is a puzzled mind as always. Extreme emotions and those sentiments remains untold, it  continues to linger.

          Everything falls into its proper places but it seems it is never right—it quivers. Seems it was, seems it was right… but why am I still drowning into nothingness.

        Everyday I walk in this kind of road-- all about emptiness… its a never-ending empty spaces of  my life. Every step scares me; everything is at its critical point. I had been through kinds of horrors like this, but this time is different. Because what really scares me today is myself—there is a ghost in me wanting to revenge. Mutated feelings and distorted identity… I got nothing but hatred.

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Old Notes

I tried to scan my college notes in Basic Histology because we’ll be having our last exam for second shifting tomorrow. But then I was surprised to read an old message on the back dated January 18, 2007.

There I find out about how sad I was that day. I was supposed to go home to witness the Ati-atihan Festival but then I decided to spend the weekend in my dorm (without going out of the room) to give myself the time to think whether I’ll continue my tiring relationship with Alchel or end it up that very moment.

            Yeah, it did surprise me even the fact that I wrote it because I can’t remember those moments. For all this time, I thought I was the one who is left behind only to discover I did think about it.

            It was written that I been crying for weeks already that I wanted to end our relationship but it was my sympathy on him that is holding me (That was ridiculous of me, I know!). Those were the times I told him and force him to find a good job because I am not going to spend my life with a lazy and irresponsible, immature man. There was even a note that I intentionally insulted and hurt him, because I honestly hated him those times. I am so tired of challenging him. I don’t see a good man in him who could raise a family, while I dream of all the best and having a good life in the near future—he is incapable of that in my own point of you. I am losing all my trust for him that he will really be a good man. The letter was long; perhaps it took me my whole weekend writing such letter. Every word was revealing and surprising that I myself can’t even imagine I wrote it. At the end of the note reveals a striking message: “My only prayer today is for God to guide me that I’ll find a way to end a relationship in a nice way so soon—I am tired and only fools myself”

            Despite that realization, I still choose to hold on as a respect for his kindness to me. I can’t just dump him after all his help and cares… he been good to me.

And why the hell I was acting so crazy when he left? I should be rejoicing when we broke up. I was out of my mind.

But four months later… there goes my answered prayer! I don't know, but maybe it took so long that I forgot I did prayed for it J and by the time it granted me, I already learned to accept the faulty fact—he is the man for me though the realization was there—he is not.

It is good that he is out of my life today especially now that I am in med school. I will never trade my life today in anything else—being on the first step of my dream and having good friends around me who truly believes in my potential. I never felt this kind of good feeling.

I was isolated in my past. I can’t do this and that because of my respect to my boyfriend. I can’t be with my friends because he doesn’t like it. Everything was stupidity making someone to control me and hinders me to grow up and face the real world.

Now is an exact opposite world—and it was good. I can go out with friends and hang out with them anytime and any where we wanted to go. I can make plans on my own—the best part of it. I can realize things faster. I am free. I can see myself becoming a doctor someday. I can picture out myself attending a sick patient. I can do whatever I want to do because no one tries to control me. The feeling is good—enjoying life to the fullest.

Originally posted at

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Microbes... Soon to Attack

Somebody is pushing me into my limit… and I'm expecting to receive some violent reaction regarding this blog.

I remember I did pray hard not to experience this kind of comeback. I had been asking God for a complete guidance to lead me to the right path. I never wished to get even but I am forced to do so.

Don’t get me wrong but I am taking it generally. I am not going to pinpoint a single person here because my plans encompass everyone inside the circle of cruelty.

            You’ll never feel my kindness anymore and my considerations.

I’ll be creating a one dimensional world; my selfishness is now activated, making my mind so narrow—I can’t help but to think of how I can get even!

           I always attribute everything to myself and thought of everything as my own fault—but not this time! You see how you cleaned out my three-dimensional way of thinking? Since you impaired me; expect then that I’ll be like a microorganism spoiling you sooner or later with no past-reflection like the way you did.

Yeah, you made me feel I am nothing, you belittle my existence—I feel like a microbe. But don’t you remember what a microbe can do to your whole system especially now that I am starting to mutate and tried to resist everything?

When I thought I could still be good, or shall I say when you’re bad, you are bad no matter what it takes. Perhaps I was born having a wicked nature. This is me… I am bad though I tried to be good.

Everything around me is getting into my nerves. And I shiver in anger; it freezes my brain closing every circuits of it.

        Silence echoes like a thunder running all over my system—deafening silence! What it is all about? Why such an existence?

Originally posted at
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Denial Queen

I believe I've been a denial queen for the past three months… whooahhh been through a life full of pretension—uttering happy words that I never felt at all. I run away but pain chases me. A living zombie perhaps… forcing myself to be numb and denied the pain… everything was a lie—me being a liar.
And I am not here to explain… my intension of leaving away will be forever misunderstood, I guess... call me crazy… tell me I am crazy… but tell me first lil’ things you know about my life… do you know me?

I was attacked by a depression… I suffered from extreme fluctuation of emotions—no one hear me crying... Been out of my mind… been out of this world… been the person I am not… BUT THE THING IS… I’M BACK— or perhaps I am still on my way back to reality… I am on a right track…I can hear myself laughing… how I miss laughing… how I miss my laughter… it feels so good…

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The Healing Process

            I received a text message from a Doctor early this morning, I was hoping to read a message: “how’s anatomy?” hmmm but I was surprised to read a message: it’s been three months, if you haven’t recovered yet from depression, consider yourself unhealthy, think!!!
            It’s funny to know people out there are so interested about my recovery—especially my dramas! Such an irritating story… I know I disappointed them—seeing me becoming crazy over silly things— that’s it! That’s why they were all interested... my story… my reactions… my decisions—been an intriguing one—tough people don’t react that way—but I did. That’s what they got from believing I am strong! (Hehehe) Hmmm…
            it took me months to realize this reality—I am fine (safe to say I am strong! *Wink*)—living life the way I always wanted to—being what I am today is meaningful!!!

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Expectations

Expectations… I been considering myself the weakest… and feel I am nothing in this world—I know nothing… I am not good… and I was discouraged by life… after I lost my essence and found no meaning of my existence… I just live my life the way where winds wanted me to go…soaring in nowhere… enjoying  the journey with laughter and tears… let it be… let it happen… this is my life—who cares?!?

But why are there still people out there expecting something good about me? “Tims, why are you like that?” or “ei, Timz… why? How come? Is that you? Something wrong?” why are they so surprised to know what is happening to me right now?

This is my life… I wanted to be free… let me go… get lost… let me live my life…I am desperate to be happy…let me be...

I am not good… I am not strong… I am not smart… I am Cristy—and I am so tired of expectations.

Originally posted at
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Trust, again

I was serious when I promised myself I’ll never trust anyone anymore. Who needs a weak wall to lean on anyway? It is as good as nothing.

But guess what—promises are really meant to be broken—I found myself trusting once again. Pathetic truth isn’t it?

Here I am— seas and mountains away from home… I was once determined to live alone…away from family and friends… and most of all, stay away from making friends. Seems like running away from reality—no… I need friends…never.

I then tried to reach out—but I was rejected by the old ones. Perhaps they are fed up of me—slap me dear reality! It hurts but it is reality speaking—dare to find fault?

Came to a realization this past few days and I have proven myself wrong… my pride of not wanting a friend and fear of trusting is not a help.

I was accepted by people whom I never thought would accept me, for who I am— me being snob, bad-tempered, oftentimes self-centered. With their little bit of hesitant of trusting me back—I presumed; we became good friends. We differ from one another, but our chemistry produces good product. It may be an early conclusion, but those people I never expected to become my good friends are such a wonderful blessing right now. I owe them my laughter and smile—.

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Madness

I feel so empty… I am floating into nothingness… and I am heading into the middle of nowhere… walking in the midst of darkness…I hear myself screaming in pain…it echoes back to me… journey… is this life? I wished it won’t last… because I am tired.
            Here comes my craziness… and there comes sarcastic attacks…
I no longer have tears to cry to clean my sorrow… I am so drained…exhausted…my soul is getting numb…better stay away from me—I am not what I am… I am not good and I will never be one…

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Great realization

This is my first time to wake up on the 22nd day of the month and feels nothing… I feel no hatred and I feel no joy today. For the past two years and eight months of my life I either wake up so happy or so sad. And I guess this is the start—I am over him.

            Today, allow me to share to you my greatest realization:
He is so good—and you read it right! I really feel no hatred for him because he is so good…there is no other word describes him. When he came into my life, he made a lot of changes in it—all were for own good and it made my life somehow perfect… when he came out he still made a very good change—He is so good that in every decision he made, it always favors me… isn’t it sweet?!? It was a very wonderful chapter; it started and ended up marvelously. I can’t write here the whole story for it might be a boring and clichéd one. All I can tell you is that he had done everything for me. He made me happy; he made me feel how it was to live like a princess. It feels great… so perfect.
I am so thankful for having him once. He brings out the best of me. He made me strong, be close to the almighty, and most of all, he taught me how to be humble and stay away from troubles. I owe him everything that is good in me right now—I learned how to live with a positive outlook when I was with him. I learned not to give up easily; he had guided me to the right path… that was his mission! A very challenging mission and I salute him for a job well done. He changed me and made me better.
And I discovered more realization when he left me… I now want to thank him for leaving me; he is not unfair at all—too bad that there is no way for me to tell him this. He is such a perfect lover—he never dares to harm me… only that I reacted in a wrong way…so soon… and I thought that he fooled me. He never fooled me anyway (let me clear that to you guys), because what he did was for my own good… its true that he cheated on me but I now realized that it was a perfect blessing on my part… how can I ever thank his goodness…
My memories with him will be cherished—those were the moments and experiences that made me a good person… not so good but I’ve been miles away from the one before I met him.
            And the dreams I gave up? I am starting to build it up again … I am dreaming my old dreams… and I am starting to make things happen.

Destiny

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be awaited for, it is something to be achieved.—William Jennings Bryan
People tend to believe that if two people are meant for each other, destiny will find its own way for them to live happily ever after. A sort of fairy tale, like the story of sleeping beauty who sleep for hundreds of years until her prince charming woke her with a single kiss… nice one! Is that because they were destined for each other? I never believe in fairy tales…hmmm silly stories… what I appreciate most is a sad-ending story, Titanic? Peter pan? Those were perfect stories, it amazed me. The story was so real…everything was so real… and I know it was based on reality.
A Sad-ending story always makes me cry. For me, that is a destiny for each and every one of us—we are meant to be sad at the end of the line.
But then, when I met him… I started to live like a princess. I thought I am one. We made a perfect story. And the worst thing—I forgot that fairytales never exist.
‘Let him go, he’ll be back if he is for you”… I cried but I wanted to laugh at it. For I know, letting him go is as good as the moment of his death. Destiny is not a chance but a choice! I let him go… I am crying for his death… no one ask me why I am crying… I am crying because he passed away. I considered him dead… lucky him who is now resting in peace…and damn me who is left mournful… but I am holding his memories. Those happy times we were together will be cherished for the rest of my life. And he will be love by me as long as I live…
For I believe that if you want something you have to put your best foot forward. Destiny is just an excuse to let things happen instead of making things happen… now that I have suffered enough… I am fed up! Really! I did my best to save our relationship… I have nothing to regret. My conscience is as clear as crystal. I did nothing… I will do nothing against it.
I never considered him my enemy…despite of the cheating thing that happened. Isn’t it that sometimes we need to cheat for us to survive? We have to be bad to live? We have to defend ourselves— it is his way of survival… it’s his way to live his life…

Originally posted at
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Meaningless Poetry

I love to write, although I know I am not good at it. I wrote these poems out of nowhere when I was still in high school. I never dedicate this to anyone… but Alchel had given me a good reason to dedicate some of my poems for him. I am not hoping he could read this… for I know, he already erased me completely in his life—the saddest truth as of now. And what’s my point for showing this… I just wanted to let the world know that I am true to him and I am keeping my words.
For someone who told me that I fooled and cheated on him… perhaps, it’s the other way around. It was him who cheated me. I am not happy for that—but there is no way for me to regret that I love him still and there is no reason for me to hate him. Someday, I’ll be the happiest person seeing him in his chosen life… my feeling won’t fade that easy.
For someone who told me that I should find someone to replace him … I am sorry, I may be stupid for loving him this much. But I can’t love somebody else if I still love him. You can never love two people at a time… I am not going to revenge by doing the same thing he did… I am not a cheater and am not going to cheat myself either.
For someone who told me that my parents is not good for raising me and I don’t have a proper breeding… guess what, I am thinking of the same thing for you… for you who been so happy insulting me and who is now rejoicing that Al finally fooled me and used me… thank you very much for representing his family that way… I am so glad to know you. God bless for your plan to investigate my background J
PS: don’t mind my grammar… wheheehehehe

SOMEONE (2002)

In the middle of the night,
Where the stars shine so bright;
I am thinking of someone under the moonlight,
In a place…so calm… so dark
I’m all alone lying in my bed.
Remembering the words someone said.
The last time this someone bid;
Goes on and on inside my mind
I can’t stop these falling tears,
That someone brought…so hard to bear.
I just want this someone will hear;
Just how much I still care.
If only I am given a chance to wish;
It could be for some I miss.
Hope he gone remember his promises;
Words that broke my heart into pieces
So much that I need to say,
Since the day this someone walk away.
But I have to find my own way;
I have to start a new day.

WHEN YOU LEFT… (APRIL 20, 2002)

I don’t like to see the sun that shine…
I don’t like to feel the raindrops pour…
Even take a look at people that smile…
Or hear the birds that sing.
I just wanted to change the ways of the world;
Let the nature vanish that I once behold.
Then throw away the memories I keep for long and hold;
Let the book of my life will be forever close.
I don’t want to go back in places where our special memories are;
All I want is to say goodbye and travel in so far;
To forget all the pains and so I can’t start,
My dream-to-be…expected but shattered life.
All this stupid thought that started to came out of my mind;
When you hurt me by just leaving me behind
Things were so hard to explain… so hard to give meaning.
All I know—how wanted to stop time.
I cant forget the day we met…
Till the day you left;
That was what I called moments;
Although the last day really hurts
Sooner of later I will forget you—I guess.
Not those happy days.
Surely it will be miss…
Empty moments were now hard to fill.

I’LL WAIT (MAY 27, 2002)

I am crying for I am scared to lose you,
When in fact I already do
You’re gone for such a long time
But I can hardly believe you are not mine.
I dreamed but turned to nothing,
I knew its wrong but I expect for something.
I always ask although I lost everything;
I am tired but I keep on waiting.
Yes, I am waiting for nothing—I know
So stupid, there is no courage to let go
The feeling that I allowed to grow
Stranger and stronger in my soul
I don’t know where this love would take
Or what this foolishness will make
All I know is that I’ll forever wait
For you… and for love’s sake

BEST IN THE WEST (MAY 31, 2002)

Every time I see the sun that sets
I came to think of my past years;
Those days of joy and times of laughter,
Those memories of fears and moments of tears
Every time I watch the sun decline
I remember on old friend of mine
A person who dwells inside my heart
And been the best part of my life
Yes, in the direction of the west
Where the sun starts to take its rest
I saw the portrait of my memories
That reminds me a picture of kindness
In the west I found the real place,
In was the home of my spirit
Indeed the world of happiness
Where my memories are kept

FREEDOM (2002)

It is almost the end of the day
Surroundings dwindle to darkness.
The disappearance of the sun,
Sets together with our funs
The birds are flying in the sky,
I am watching them while I cry
It reminds me when you said goodbye
When I gave your wings, so you can fly
I saw your ship sailing away
You may go… I give you all your way
You are free to cruise the bay
You are free—it’s all I can say
This freedom I give to you is not because I don’t love you
But because all I can and I will do
Even for thing that will make my life so blue
And will surely hurt me too

I AM SORRY (JULY 3, 2002)

I have done something wrong
Yet I don’t know how to be strong
Sometimes I sing a sad song
Often times I think of you all day long
Loving you made me free
And letting you go is not easy
It made my life go crazy…
One thing that brought me in misery
You let me feel the love so pure
But letting you go made me no fool
Though I entered and trapped in a hole
Hole of aches that only you can cure
My heart broke into pieces…
Seeing the place I should take
But she already has my space
Indeed—so hard to face all these
I just wanted to say a little word,
Not that I am in this lonely world
I recalled the happiness you brought
And all the good things you taught
I am sorry—that’s the word I mean

I LOVE YOU (March 14, 2002)

Stupid of all word
But it completes my world
I’ve seen you several times—
With the one you truly love
But I am hoping it was just a lie
And someday you’ll realize
That I am the one inside your heart…
But even though how long I tried
I think I am not going to have a chance
It’s because YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND;
THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Though you don’t feel the same way that I do

 I QUEST FOR LOVE AND PEACE (JUNE 5, 2002)

I’m a gardener that turned into a hunter
That dwells in the garden of anger;
A place surrounded with fence of fears
A garden with nothing but dead flowers
I am looking for a precious seed;
That will bear the fruits of good deeds.
Yet I can’t find what I need;
Because of the obstructive weeds of hatred
I quest for an elusive love and peace,
So that I can freely live
But I am more than of the birds in a cage,
I am a prisoner of an earthly rage
I trued to search for the seed around
Truly it was hard to find
I guess it is so far from a distance
So far not to find inside my heart
But though it wearies me so much
I’ll never give up in taking a chance
Time will come for me to find a plant
And scattered in this troubled land.

RAIN (JULY 12, 2002)

Sometimes I love its sound;
The noisy sounds on the ground
Often times, hatred is what I can find;
That roars deep within my heart
It is always a picture of grim,
It always makes the cloud so dim
But for trees it is a music to be sing
For some, it was a lifetime blessing
Rain indeed a mystery of life,
It is one of heaven’s significant
Though it darkens the cloud above
It led us to the rainbow of love.

DREAM (JULY 29, 2002)

Oftentimes when I fall asleep,
Winds would bring me in a lighted place
Sailing to the world of wondrous lies,
Indeed I am dreaming of you and me
You’re the man I always dreamed of
Yet a mystery to unfold
I felt so warm but you’re so cold
You’re on my dream but not on my road
It was such a wondrous dream
Like a water flowing down the stream
It was nicest among all things
That made me kept to ignore the mornings
You’re the dream that I keep on dreaming
A man I always keep on thinking
You’re all the lies I believe
Yes… you were just a dream

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

An Early Morning Tears

I wake up early this morning with a happy dream that will surely make my day depressing… hmmm… nothing change! An early morning tears to start my day when in fact I sleep with a smile last night… God, what is going on?
Life is indeed a paradox, I was so happy to hear from my girl friends they’ll be having a baby soon… but they are more happy for me that I am single…and free—which is quite a contradiction…
        I am trying to think of something that will make my day busy… something that will make people around me to be proud of me and tell me that hey, you are back! Welcome to the world of reality where everyone is in pain—you were not alone.
        I was so self-centered these past few days. All I think is my self, my pain, my problem, my life and him… I am so silly not to appreciate people around me… people whom I denied for quite some time… I lost one, I gained everyone.
           I felt so sorry for those people I have abandoned to fight for him… shame on me to speak words against them before… I choose the wrong person… to my cousin and my Aunt who been good to me... they’re good only that I was bad. And I interpreted them so badly. I admit I was wrong… and I now learned my lesson. I just hope I can make up for the time we missed. It is a pathetic truth that you oftentimes choose the wrong one.
Perhaps, this will be one of the greatest lesson I‘ll learn in my life—there are more to come, more steps. More mountains, more seas, more rainbows… hey… what am I talking about!!!


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Tears to cleanse my soul

I received a message from my friend that she never thought true love do exist in reality, all the while, she thought that at our age love is just a game. When I love him, I never intended to play a game… I never did.

        Life is never a joke for me but they’re making fun out of my life. I always wanted to be good but reality speaks that I need to be bad like them. But why should I follow them when I know what is right from wrong. I never planned to revenge… that will be the craziest thing for me. He was gone, I never let him go but he went away from me—do I have a choice? Still, he is not bad for me; I know he is not bad at all… I believe in him… our story is just over, that’s it.

I am not perfect, my biggest problem in life is my attitude and perhaps he was fed up with it… he was tired… when I asked him if he is still fine, he answered me “I am loving you more each day because of what are” the sincerity was there…he meant it, I assumed.

        He brought changes in my life, he had made me happy, he loved me, made me feel I am the luckiest creature ever lived… but it doesn’t mean I have to put everything to an end…changes must go on for the betterment of my life—for my own life… I need to pursue all our dreams and everything that we have started. Yah right, our greatest and most beautiful plans supposedly.

And now, reality is slapping me and little by little I am starting to open my eyes. I know realized how small my world had become when we’re together. I forgot my dreams, my happiness, my family, my friends—it was a cruel love and self-centered. All I was thinking was how to make him happy, how to make his life better, I am always worried about his health, about his future… about his life… I am so busy telling the whole world I love him… I been so proud to show everyone I care for him… I centered my attention and gave him all my life and love. It is like I appreciated the moon and ignored the stars around it.

Sadly, I forgot I have families, angels and friends that I am rejecting every time I spent time with him and thought of him. I abandoned everyone in my life for him. Ours was not a healthy relationship, its true. It was not love for love is not selfish and not jealous. It was not… I got the right love for the wrong person.

A friend asked me,”did you cry?” –I am still crying my friend. “Are you still hoping to win him back?”—I am still waiting for him. “Do you still love him?”—I will always love him and care for him for the rest of my life. “Is there any hatred in your heart?”—it made me think and I tried to reflect over things. No, there is no hatred within me… I tried to hate him but I can’t. He may hurt me today but that was nothing every time I thought of the thousands of joy he brought into my life. The pain is nothing… these pains are nothing… I am fine… these tears I’m shedding are just to wash my soul and sins we committed if loving each other in those ways is a crime… if enjoying each others company is wrong… and if loving so deeply is not right.

        Bez She told me to stop thinking of him because he doesn’t deserve my time, my love, and my care. I am crazy to love him despite of what he did.

I love him for no other reason; I love him because of what he is. And there is no reason for me to stop loving him... it is not like you love a person today and forget everything the next day—not a simple task… not an ordinary feeling.

Duh this life and damn it!!! Why am I so stupid…? Jayrus is somehow right that I am not using my brain anymore. I got brain… really?!? All I got is heart for him… just for him… how about me? Did I ever think of something for my own good? Something to make my dreams and plans go better… I never did… I depended on him, I thought I will make me a better person so I let him manipulate my life in the thought that it would make him happy and it will make the two of us better.

        I don’t understand myself either… I don’t understand myself anymore… I know it is not right to love him much this way but I keep on holding him inside my heart. I still love him so much… I know he had already accomplished his mission in my life, but I still need him as much as he needed me before… it confused me, my mind is telling me that I suffered enough but my heart never cooperate…

 Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Hear me cry

"Baby April" and I had a good time today…hmmm I somehow feel good today although I am still having a bad dream about him… I can still hear his voice and feel his presence… what do you called that?— being crazy? I never had a good sleep since he left me… it scares me to sleep… I am afraid to sleep… for the saddest part of my life is when I wake up and realize I am going to face the day without telling him how much I love him… he was not with me anymore and there is no way for me to tell him what I always wanted to… it made me call God and surrender to him… let God take care of him so that I have nothing to worry about… he is big enough to take care of himself anyway… and perhaps someone is taking good care him—that hurts but the thought of someone is there taking care of him makes me happy—and makes me jealous… not a healthy feeling I know but I can’t help it… is someone would care to blame me? Because I am not blaming anyone—it’s not my fault… it’s not his…

Baby April reminds me of how God answered our prayers before and now it makes me believe that God will hear me again, not today, not tomorrow but he will hear my prayers.

        Insult me if you can… laugh at me if want… yell at me if you hated me so much… slap me and kick me the way they wished to do… I am going to cry no more… I am not going to beg for love again…I am not going to bend knees anymore… I don’t have to—I suffered enough. I am fed up… I tried and I am tired… I can no longer breathe… it impairs me… and I am not crazy—you can’t make me one either.

I am not here to say I already regained my strength… not so soon… not yet… give me time… give me space… give me chance… I will regain my strength little by little. I really miss myself smiling… I miss myself laughing… I miss my heart filled with joy… the last time I did was when I am with him… he took every precious things away from me…I was left with nothing but emptiness.

I’ll pray to wake up tomorrow without hatred in my heart… I want to live a peaceful life…if not with him, let me live alone… allow me to live without someone beside me if they only meant to leave me at the end…allow me to appreciate life someday without someone beside me. Allow me to continue breathing without hatred… without planning to revenge to the people who insulted me. Someday, allow me to thank them for all these pains they brought me, for changing my life and making my plans a shattered dream. Perhaps, this is life—life is indeed unfair.

        But to tell you, God is so good for not letting me touch the ground when I fell. HE was so great for challenging me this hard way… just be happy for me although I am in the midst of thorns today and I am struggling alone in darkness…no one hears my cry and I am not asking you to hear me but just be happy for me—believe me… trust me again for I can bring back the old CRISTY MAY you know… that is what I needed now…I am miles away from the old one but be happy when I shed tears… be happy when I am lonely and isolate my tears from laughter… be happy when I longed for him… just be happy for me because I am happy loving him in silence without expecting him to love me back…

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

The saddest Journey

A Story of complete change that are happening in one’s life… that every step is a stepping stone… that sunshine and rain will make a beautiful rainbow someday…my simple principle in life… but I lose grip of the reality and… I fail to remember my belief…
        My short trip to Baguio is not as happy as one would expect. An anticipating vacation gift from my parents supposedly… I longed to the visit the place since I was young but then, I hate to remember the reason why should they grant me my wished— I am there to unwind and not to have a good time… perhaps, I deserve a space for myself. I need to refresh my mind and regain my strength for I feel so weak and I feel nothing...because nothing was left for me.
It was the shortest trip of my life I assumed…ten hours of travel… A short trip to review every single step I did in my life…to weigh everything, separate good from bad… to evaluate my mistakes and truthful acts…what went wrong, what really happened…is it my fault? What happened to my sacrifices? Did I really sacrifice? Time is not enough to assess everything. I did a lot of things to fill my life yet I feel so empty…
            At the airport, I did remember the last time I was there waiting for my 10am flight to Manila… I am so excited then for someone was waiting for me at the domestic airport… and now? No one is waiting for my arrival… yes; I am missing the good times… I always did miss the good times and longed for it to happen once again.
        The beauty of nature never compensates my emptiness… I feel myself breathing; I can feel the warmth of my own touch… I am alive yet I can feel that my soul is dying… I am indeed dying emotionally… this is what real death means for me… this is the one I been telling everyone—the real meaning of death.
            I keep asking myself “why” but for my own good, I tried to convince that everything is real. I am not dreaming. And yes… I am on my saddest trip going to Baguio city.
        My tears simply fall down as I remember the love birds at home on a little cage… and honestly, I remember someone else. It was like once our happy life that I thought would last forever yet ended so soon…so soon that I didn’t even have the chance to notice it... so soon that we never had the chance to patch things up…so soon that I was left behind without any explanation. I never hear any word to clear thing up…it was us on our own little world, contented and seems so happy—I assumed… No one is around except the two of us. We tried to fill each others empty spaces. And I thought that would make us survive. The next day, the two birds died… so as our story ended in a tragic way. Why tragic—simply that we never got the chance to live our lives together freely. We never got the chance to patch things up together… we never got the chance to live and use our wings… today, people thought of me as a free woman… that was a funny thought because I am never free. My soul is nowhere to find.
And our dreams… the assurance was there… he assured me that we are going to pursue our dreams… but to materialize it together—that is what I don’t know…
            My friend asked me “Cris, is that really you talking?” yes my friend, this is the weakest fighter they ever meet. A fighter who is always ready to fight for others but doesn’t know how to fight for her own justice? Where is the strong woman they know? She became weak that the can no longer recognize her. Everybody is insulting me yet they never heard any single word. I accepted everything; I allowed them to crush my life into tiny pieces. And the man I expected to fight for me said no word and assured me I am nothing for him. And where are the promises—a broken vow? Can it vanish in just a week or two? I can’t believe it was happening yet reality is slapping me. It was painful but it scares me. My life is trembling and I have no one to hold on to. He fooled me—but stupid I am for not believing it—it was not him but it was him who said it... it was him who said he love me and the next day it was still him who said he don’t need me anymore. The sweetest word he utter—he don’t need me… but I still, to tell you frankly, I am still living my life for him. If someday he needs me, I assure him I here for him— who loves him for the rest of my life.
        I went to Mines View, the place was amazing but it never amazed me. The nature was perfect to behold but I am holding something else in my heart—a burden. I saw a message from a little souvenir item “the sweetest revenge is to forgive”. I forwarded the message right away to all my friends and added “too bad I am not sweet”… hmmm am I not really sweet or I still found no reason to hate him that is why there is nothing to forgive. After all those bad words they commented on me…
        I was so excited to enter the butterfly sanctuary and it somehow surprised me not to find one. I searched the whole place and all the while I thought that old man was just fooling me. I tried to enjoy the place though for me I am just isolating myself inside a butterfly net when there is a wide wooded area to explore outside. Pines are great and it creates a very peaceful atmosphere—the place I needed most that very moment. As I walk around in a hope to see a beautiful species of butterfly but all I saw was a black form… I hated it. I expected to see a good species of butterfly yet there was none. Still, I searched and look… still, all I found was a black butterfly. When I decided to rest on a little bench, a little tiny butterfly came near me… it reminds me of a funny chain text message regarding how to catch a butterfly. It was lovely, I let it stay in my palm and enjoy its presence. It was my first time to touch a real butterfly so you could imagine the excitement I felt that moment. The eagerness to touch and hold his wing was there, but it scares me for I might break its wings… now I understand very well that holding someone too tight wont make him grow like and be the best of what he can be. But I am sarcastic if I deny now that it made me feel better for letting my love go...for allowing him to abandon me that easy. It was not easy giving away what you got to a complete stranger… I never meant to be selfish… but only if he promised me he will be love by somebody as much as I love and care for him, then, I will let him flew away... And I almost cry to let it go. It reminds me of someone I let go. But it is not mine so the butterfly must fly. Few minutes later, I saw the same butterfly in the hands of a Korean lady, who is almost pressing its wings… I wanted to tell her not to harm that poor butterfly, but do I have any right to say so when the care taker of the sanctuary is around yet tell nothing? If it was mine, I will, but it is not… when I surrendered I asked them nothing but to take care of my most precious jewel. And if they can’t, bring it back to me. No one hears my cry, no one bothered to hear my words.
        I then went to a cemetery of negativism at Camp John Hay—my friend recommended me to look for such a cemetery when she found out the real reason of my trip. Those simple messages on the tombstones somehow are a relief for me… I don’t want to be like them. I have to live my life, struggle and fight for it… it was mentioned that the negativism is just self imposed. Partly, it was true. It is all in our mind and our heart is not a part of it. As I live the hill, I told myself I am leaving everything in that place…including my pains in life, my love—I am leaving him, my stupidity, and my insecurities in life… I step out the cemetery with a smile and went to a secret garden at the back of the Bell House. I was alone exploring the beauty of nature. I am enjoying, I now feel my stomach is starving, it’s been weeks that I never crave for food, I feel pain when I pinch myself, hey! I am alive. I smiled again… but not too long… the quite atmosphere of the place made me realized that I am alone. No one is there beside me… not to comfort me but no one is there to share my happiness, my joy in realizing a great reality. I love to share the happiness I felt that moment to someone dear to me… but he is gone… I buried him in that cemetery yet his spirit still lingers.
        And what do you think is my greatest regret today? For loving him so much and living with his memories today despite of the abandonment he did to me? I still love him today. I sacrificed my personal dreams for our future plans? For believing his promises and being left wondering why? For believing we will grow old together and live as husband and wife till death do us part? For allowing his family members to step over and crush me into bits of pieces? For allowing him to hurt me? For forgiving him after he lied to me and cheated me?—for telling him I will wait for him forever and he will be love by me as long as I am alive? For keeping all my words that I really do love him yesterday, today, and perhaps tomorrow, for keeping my promises that I’ll take care of him as long as I can?
    And my pains? It feels bad being left behind especially when you thought everything is right but the next day he’ll confess he is with someone else. It was confusing when weeks before he had given you a ring and told you he can’t live without you… it was hard to believe when the last night you talk he had promise you to comeback because he love you but he never did. He’s gone without explaining why…
        It’s hard… other people laugh at you and will judge you badly. Tell you your nothing when in fact they never know you at all… perhaps I am nothing because they took everything away from me.
        I prayed for knowledge and wisdom today that I may understand and accept reality. I prayed to stand up and fix my broken life. And if God will someday hear me, I prayed not to step and crash anyone’s life like what they did to me.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com