When death comes, I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep

I saw all these things coming my way. Something I once desired while I was longing to live quietly…just quietly as quite as it could be for I know to live peacefully is something far beyond this way of life. I said I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep. It is not my loss; never will be. For one good reason, I can never lose something that is not mine… You were never mine, I was never yours—the only certain about the two of us.

There are things that cannot be

Again, allow my honesty to be part of this ranting…

How could these things be possible? I crushed myself into the finest pieces that I could be to mold a brand new self. I exhausted myself running so when I ran out of air, I can breathe new ones.  I dropped thousands and tons of tears not to cleanse my soul but for me to be able to walk burden-free… so to envision life ahead of me. Did I fail? Did I?

I desired for nothing but of your death, by death I mean not to bury you six feet under the ground. I desire not of death alone that could vanish your existence but the downfall of walls we created for a supposed backbone of us, the same walls that imprisoned us for years and eventually walls that separated us.

It's been years we've chosen which side of wall to go--I went on the other side while you stayed--we freed ourselves from the worst that could happen. With that, we are both our own heroes.

Gone are the walls, weakened by time. But the dust blown by the wind as it falls down had stirred up the once forgotten emotion—hate and disgust overpowers us. Perhaps, this is what it takes if you create a wall out of a rotten reality. It all falls back to you. Chances are, you will inhale every dust of it and little by little will suffocate you until you find yourself floating down to the dumps.

Have I really been running away my life? Maybe I was just there on the other side of the wall waiting for it to fall down for me to see how far you have moved. Partly, I was there laughing my ass out to create atmosphere that could fan the flames of pain on your side. Perhaps on one part or another, you did exactly the same thing for me. I do not know.  But I guess that is not how we're playing the game. We actually started to live our own lives and finally we found the right person for each other. 

Well, to my surprise I never imagined this could be hard, irritating in a way--why am I so bothered hearing your wedding bells anyway? I should know, you can't actually stay alone right there. You're weak. 

Things are getting clearer our way, reality just sinks in--we been living our lives without each other anymore.

As the walls had fallen apart I saw the death I been waiting my life.  The superficial pain now on its deepest and I found myself trying to ease the pressure. One thing I could assure myself of, this time there will be no shattering, crushing, running, and crying. I had enough of it.

The death is here…starting to furnish each others disappearance…cleaning up!  a little more dust to sweep along the way…and everything will be good. I believe

Staying young

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land." Peter Pan

 Apart the desire to look young is the eagerness to hold the innocence we once cling into—those days when we believed that life is beautiful. Those days when we never thought that our playground will soon be a battlefield. No one told us of that actually. Everyone has allowed us to enjoy and then soon after the pleasure was the surprises of seeing the unforeseen part of life—Failures, disappointment, and frustrations do exist. It is never easy to chase a dream unlike imagined.

Growing up, at times, is something we wish we can get rid of. There comes a time when we wanted to go back to the unrestricted world we once enjoyed during our childhood days. We sometimes long for those years when we know nothing about fear, when we ask instead of we search for an answer, when the only task that tired us was to arrange our toys in a shelf. Less troubled world. We are free of responsibilities, duties, and obligations. 

Being young also means the ability to solve tough problems because you are not baffled yet by the possibilities of failing. Focus was never an issue back then. Panic was never a part of life.  Thus, younger minds have better ideas. Sadly, some of us somehow lose the ability as we aged, as the roads we took distract us. 

To stay young.  It is the first thing we could ever wish for when our hearts are broken, whenever we are blamed, when we are discourage by life, when we are disappointed by our shattered dream,  and whenever we find ourselves astray amidst of nowhere.

When this kind of time will knock our day, it is not bad to pamper ourselves with everything we loved during our younger years. 
Walk down to the sea shore barefoot to collect shells
Climb a tree and have some time alone like there is no way for you to fall
Dance under the rain like no one cares
Have a break to play
Laugh out loud with old friends
Talk to someone younger than you
Remind yourself on how to laugh, how to make fun, how it feels like to be young. 
Freshen up your mind because there are times when we forget how to laugh.

It is not bad to laugh like a kid. Just set your limitation on how young you would go. What am I talking about? to follow peter pan to Neverland (it's your choice anyway). The idea of flying away to a magical world with Peter Pan is a fantasy of many because everyone wanted to stay young.  Despite my envy to him for he is embracing a world of fun, I never wanted to be like him. He is a man (?!? / a little man?!?)… Whatever! He is someone who did not take on the responsibility of adult life. He is now flying around the never land—no job, have not settle into a relationship, he is watching generations suffer as it comes and go. I wanted some of the things Peter does not want. I want to be one responsible grown-up, I want a job, and I want a relationship. Peter pan might embrace the joy and wonder of being young but has lost sight of the purpose—that part, I do not want to happen in my life.

Well, I do not really want to condemn Peter for what he is right now. Everyone has a purpose and choice. I want to respect them whatever it may be. I have my own and my purpose in life is to grow up and conquer life.

Gone are those days… Peter Pan is not going to fly to my window and will not take me to Never Land. If he will, I'll choose to stay here on my own real world. Here, I can stay adventurous—I can stay young at heart.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning." Peter Pan

Dance of a freaky circle

My brain turns on and off, and any moment from now I'm afraid it’s going to shut down for good. I am not going to say goodbye though. This is not a farewell. I can’t think of anything good or anything bad for that matter. My brain is completely drained. Except for the fact that I'm writing to post something for my blog site to express what I'm feeling right now. If only I could squeeze my brain and hit my head on a wall until something drops out, I certainly will.

I don’t know but I guessed it is more appropriate to say I'm having a little touch of complication. I mean something I can't comprehend my self like random thoughts coming out of my mind I can barely appreciate. Everything seems to be hit-and-miss moments. There is a mixed of empty emotions within me--mixed but empty.

Maybe I am just bored right now, (just like the old times, just exactly as yesterday). And needless to say, a little bit frustrated with what is happening as well as to the life around me. Lifeless, empty, and frustrating—the whole thing is becoming a routine. I wake up at 9:30 in the morning. It’s simply because of own my biological clock or often times it’s my mother’s voice that starts my lazy day. As hard as I try to begin my day with a smile, sometimes I just cant. I am so humiliated and I can plainly feel how things get worst around me. Pressured I may be, but I’m trying to defend myself against the awkwardness. My shame is crushing me down each time I eat breakfast and drink a cup of milk—I pleaded guilty for eating the food I haven’t worked for because at my age I should be bringing foods at the table and not just taking it. Washing a two or three plates can at times be stressful, believe me. It reminds you of being alone—hey, you just ate your breakfast all by yourself and perhaps you’ll be eating lunch alone too!

I always had time in our hammock; my day is never complete without the place where my day dreams and fantasies happens. Sometimes I’m lucky if I can go out to access the net via my plug-in Globe tattoo kit at the public plaza of our town, of course that is after asking my parents for money to reload. Sigh. I wonder how it feels to give money instead of asking them. I am so desperate to feel how it is yet here I am, even worst than a limp man, doing nothing. When evening comes I read, as simple as that but I wished you could feel me while I read. I’m trying to hold on as hard I can. I’m crossing my fingers for all of these. My world is getting smaller and smaller each passing day and the air I breathe is sickly sweet. My dream is starting to fade away but I’m trying to embrace what is left. Everyday I go to bed sleepy or not after watching my favourite reality show at ABS-CBN--the only program I been watching religiously for the past 2 weeks since it started, the Pinoy Big Brother. Going to bed is no big deal in any way because all I have to do is cry until my eyes get tired—I can fall asleep soundly by that. Sleeping is that easy, a little tough maybe but I’m getting used to it. Then I wake up at exactly 9:30 the next morning and begin all over again. This is my life for the past 5 weeks.

Most of the time I listen to the playlist of random songs saved at my windows media player. And this morning I realized I had fallen in love with its visualization—the dance of a freaky circle—it can drown me into nothingness and make me numb for a moment or two. This is the best I can think of to kill this boredom before it can kill me. The freaky circle reminds me of the two forces wanting to attract each other yet no matter how hard they tried they always repel. Isn’t it a perfect picture of what is happening right now? One circle represents me and the other represents what I want—that no matter how eager I always am to take hold of my wants in life, nothing good happens. The nearer I get the farther it goes. And just like being entertained by the dancing circles, (freaky indeed) I am somehow got the feeling not to go anywhere else, and become contented of what I got. Being here is compelling despite my frustration. I'm getting to like it.

Right now, what scares me most is to let go of my dreams and to let go of myself in exchange of what is happening now. Do I really have to? My! Dancing freaky circles.

Good night world!

Destiny

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be awaited for, it is something to be achieved.—William Jennings Bryan
People tend to believe that if two people are meant for each other, destiny will find its own way for them to live happily ever after. A sort of fairy tale, like the story of sleeping beauty who sleep for hundreds of years until her prince charming woke her with a single kiss… nice one! Is that because they were destined for each other? I never believe in fairy tales…hmmm silly stories… what I appreciate most is a sad-ending story, Titanic? Peter pan? Those were perfect stories, it amazed me. The story was so real…everything was so real… and I know it was based on reality.
A Sad-ending story always makes me cry. For me, that is a destiny for each and every one of us—we are meant to be sad at the end of the line.
But then, when I met him… I started to live like a princess. I thought I am one. We made a perfect story. And the worst thing—I forgot that fairytales never exist.
‘Let him go, he’ll be back if he is for you”… I cried but I wanted to laugh at it. For I know, letting him go is as good as the moment of his death. Destiny is not a chance but a choice! I let him go… I am crying for his death… no one ask me why I am crying… I am crying because he passed away. I considered him dead… lucky him who is now resting in peace…and damn me who is left mournful… but I am holding his memories. Those happy times we were together will be cherished for the rest of my life. And he will be love by me as long as I live…
For I believe that if you want something you have to put your best foot forward. Destiny is just an excuse to let things happen instead of making things happen… now that I have suffered enough… I am fed up! Really! I did my best to save our relationship… I have nothing to regret. My conscience is as clear as crystal. I did nothing… I will do nothing against it.
I never considered him my enemy…despite of the cheating thing that happened. Isn’t it that sometimes we need to cheat for us to survive? We have to be bad to live? We have to defend ourselves— it is his way of survival… it’s his way to live his life…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com