Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Hello, Monday

When someone woke you up, call you at around three in the morning (having your phone set on a full-volume  annoying ring tone, if in cases of emergency), just to ask you "what are you doing?"... A not so good way to start a week, hey! today is Monday. That was sweet actually, how could they be so thoughtful?-- inviting you to eat something from the nearest convenient store because they're all worried you might be hungry after eating ampalaya and egg from the last night's dinner, not the usual food we had. But I'm sorry because I am totally pissed off. I Shut my cellular phone off and tried the hardest I can to calm myself so I can go back to a sound sleep. I somehow did.

and so my Monday madness started... Rock on!

Today, I am also going back from a long weekend of movie marathon to the radiology office where I am currently rotating. These days I'm spending half of my day trying to identify anatomy out of a black and white films and go home feeling mentally drained, oh headache! I was left reading Anatomy books.

The Photographer said "I like that smile, it's perfect"... yes! its the Photographer, and he needed to say those lines, actually!

Went to the Graduation Pictorial. One nice lady made my hair with all her patience, a young lady shaped my eyebrows into something I don't actually like, an obviously spoiled brat who happens to have an obsession on eyelashes (that was according to her mom) added a false eyelashes to mine, and a not-so-young-not-so-old make-up artist made the final touches. One chair after another. What was that all about?

The make-up artist mentioned clients, personalities (I'm not familiar with), experiences that tells everyone in the room she is actually a good artist. I heard a lot of marketing strategies like the usual: This one is better... Those were expensive products... you are actually paying us less (400php for the hair and make-up and 100php for the false eyelashes) than we deserve to receive because we wanted you to look better than you expect... I heard lines and lines and lines that would convince us they're good. I had my mouth shut all through out since I did not expect for a service likened to a high-end salon. Felt better then.

The photographer maybe 4-ft away from the subject uses an SLR camera, two studio lights, a black background, a chair. At the corner of the room is a mountain of shawls of different colors  that we could use as our formal dress, one toga that we pass on to the next person in line, and coat and ties for the men. Nine of us occupied that little office turned studio where we hardly move.Awkward! they don't even have the curtain where we can change. Aside from the 2350php we paid for the graduation package we still have to pay 300php for the extra shot and another 350php for all the copy of pictures saved on a CD. Goodbye 3600php, Sad face. 

Thank goodness for being in a circle of crazy people,  instead of complaining resolved to just laugh.

Tomorrow is another day, Tomorrow is no longer a Monday.