Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Heading Towards the Finish Line

I'm on my last trimester with less than 10 weeks until the estimated date of delivery—sixty seven more days to go. I am looking forward to embrace the beauty (as well as the other side of it of course) of parenthood.

Sleepless and Midnight trips to the bathroom to empty my bladder became my way of life this trimester. Getting a good night sleep became difficult again. My bumpy belly (bigger than before) brings no comfort.  That’s why I’m here blogging this early (it's four in the morning).

I’m very excited at the same time a bit impatient about meeting my child. The wait is longer than it seems. I can’t imagine myself waiting for another 10 more weeks.  Taking too long...

Along this waiting are my questions and fears. I can't pretend everything is fine. I have worries, too.

My “seem to be endless list of concerns” include…  

1. The fear of the unknown. While people around me are so eager to know of my baby’s gender. I am, on the other hand, is quite worried if my child is normal. Being once in a class of embryology, paediatrics, Obstetrics, gynaecology, genetics I am aware of certain possibilities. I wonder from day to day if my baby will be and is perfectly fine. 

2. The possibility of having serious complications during delivery aside from developmental failure. I’m praying for a trouble-free birth.

3. If I can cope up the pain of labor. What if I’ll collapse?!?  I’m just holding on to the fact that millions of women survived labor and delivery pain.Pain is temporary... It is! it really is! 

4. Financial aspect is getting on my way. I think of diapers, formula, clothing, bedding, cribs, toys, and much more. I should be preparing them, but I haven’t started yet. I wanted everything done before the baby arrives but we need to save for hospital bills and emergency medical cases instead.

5. Relationship with my partner, family and friends. My baby will surely bring changes. A lot of changes. I hope I can handle the pressures other than the things I listed on my post Bits and Pieces of me --things I already accepted that those will no longer be part of my life anymore. 

6. The Grandparents are going to "take-over" my child. My baby's grandparents from both sides are just as excited. What if they will re-live their early parenthood days and not allow me to feel the beauty of being a first-time mom? But I can’t deny the fact that needed help and they know best. I can really sense clash of ideas between us soon.

7. Worry that I won't be good mother. I guess I’ll just wait for my baby so my parenting instincts will kick in. 

8. Worry if we could provide. We are definitely challenged to offer the best of this world. The protection, the comfort, a good future, the necessary guidance, and less the fear of being alone.

9.  Going back to Med School. Being a “supposedly Soon-to be MD” (currently a Mom-to be), out of school and a super bum for that matter, I doubt if going back to school will still be an option after I gave birth. Although I have plans, going back won’t be easy anymore. I wonder who will look after my child and if I am strong enough to sacrifice.

10. The least I could ever think of is my physique. I’ve been feeling looking exhausted becoming the most ugly woman in our town. I never seen the motherly glow they’ve been talking about.  I got this nose like of Rudolph the red-nose reindeer; I got swollen ankles, my neck turned dark, etc.. Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of a supermodel neither the beach bum who wears two-piece prior my pregnancy. I’m not, but confidence lessened a bit. I’m starting to hate skinny pretty ladies my age.

  

Albeit all these fears is the simple truth that I am overjoyed. I know I can do better than all these. Looking forward to see my first born sometime in August.  

Time travel: The Teddy bear I used to hurt

My childhood dreams...

When I grew up, I wanted a curly hair like that of “Goldilocks”.

When I grew up, I wanted to become a mermaid and swim the abyss of ocean.

When I grew up, I wanted to own a tree house.

When I grew up, I wanted to live the life of “Richie rich”

When I grew up, I wanted to write and draw as good as my sister. 

When I grew up, I wanted to become strong so I can lift the iron stand and also help my mother with other household chores.

and so on...

But there are two dreams that remain …

When I grew up, I wanted to travel the world.

When I grew up, I wanted to become Doctor Tim. 

I wanted to travel the world.

I can still remember that most of my elementary teachers used to ask us "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or “list the five things you wanted to do when you grow up”. Back then, I always knew what to write. Number one would always be “I want to travel the world” although I can’t stand to ride a jeepney back then because of motion sickness. I remember I even told my mother I wanted to go to Manila, but in one condition. I don’t want a ride. We will just walk! Crazy! Thanks God, motion sickness was long gone to me.

I wanted become a Doctor.

My 20-year old Teddy Bear, my mom got this as her award for being the "dealer of the month" of Tupperware

As I child, jobs such as doctors, lawyers, teachers and engineers are the professions to enter into minds so I've chosen to become a doctor. Mind set. I was also influenced by my mother who works in a district hospital as a nursing attendant. On some afternoons, since the hospital was just a walk away from our home, I was sometimes asked to bring her a dinner. I knew from those afternoons (of inhaling disinfectant, of listening to people cough and children cry, of seeing nurses on station preparing medicine for admitted patients) someday I’ll work as a medical practitioner too.

I’m sorry teddy for doing those to you.

My teddy bear became my first patient at home. I used to make a little cut in its forehead and back then pour in red ink (still stained until now). When the cut appears to be like of a real bloody wound I’ll stitch them using a sewing needle and thread. I sometimes apply lotion and creams too or apply Betadine solution.

I’m a grown up now. I went to medical school after I graduated college but it turns out, it’s not easy. I lose courage. I doubted myself as I study. The more I read, the more I feel I am not geared up.  I was hesitant if I could function effectively in life-and-death situations. I was in doubt if I can handle the responsibility of saving lives.

Little by little I was discouraged by my own fear. My mind burnt out.I became exhausted.

But then again, I knew my dreams. All I really need right now is to gain courage and be back in field.

Room 312

Everybody is fine... will be fine in time...

I woke up as early as one in the morning that Friday, 15^th day of the month. I grabbed my cell phone on a wooden ottoman just beside my bed to make sure of the time and to check the sent items. I hardly remember what I felt the night before but I am pretty sure I message every single thing to my partner. I hate waking up in the middle of the night for I felt a little lost.  Such a strange feeling that sometimes it feels like falling oneself from a high. 

 The last text message I sent to my partner was an hour ago which means I did not have enough sleep yet. I told him how active our baby was, my lower back aches and I felt so tired despite doing nothing at all but watch any Hollywood movies that is showed on Star movies or HBO channel. 

That moment I felt pain, my lower abdomen contracted more than my baby moves. Moreover, it seems heavy like my baby wanted to push its head out my tummy. I was trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me and my baby—that the pain I felt was a mere part of a normal pregnancy I was trying to tolerate every pinch of the pain actually. I tried that until 5 a.m. until I have fallen asleep. 

But I knew there was something to worry about.  I was tempted to text my partner that the spot of blood I found is freaking me but all I can ever sent him is a text message that says I love him. I was scared. The last time this happened to me was during my 10^th week and an ultrasound revealed a minimal subchorionic hemorrhage. I was relieved by a medication that lasted for 10 days and a pelvic rest (no sexual activities all during the medication period).  

At 8:00 a.m. that day my Ob is nowhere to find. I went to her clinic; to my disappointment her secretary can’t even tell where she is at. Her phone is out of reach. I almost send her a message saying “hey doc, are you ok?” sarcastically. I can’t believe no one knows where my Obstetrician is.

From her office, we went to the nearest district hospital where I had my urinalysis done. When the lab technician hand me the result I knew I’ll be having a week with 2 kinds of antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and another for a vaginal infection. 

From the hospital we went back to her office hoping that she can read the result and prescribe me the necessary drugs I needed but she was still out. Her secretary then said she was out for a week already and I'm not the only patient looking for her. Great, isn’t it? The doctor that is supposed to help me with my pre-natal care is not around. And you know what is greater than that? She is the only Ob in town; the rest is all general practitioners!!!

We went home, got my personal stuffs and headed ourselves to Kalibo, several towns from ours, to find another doctor. I don’t have to wait for my Ob to read the laboratory results. I don’t even have the idea if I can find her that day. 

So my mother drove me to Kalibo instead where there are better facilities (and of course where there is available doctor to attend to me). It is a 36-kilometer away from home and 45 minutes ride. In our case, since mama is the one driving, make it 1 hour and maybe another 10 more minutes. Before we arrive, we were informed that she was at Manila and she it is impossible for her to attend to me but she has someone to cover her duty. As Instructed we went to the clinic she told us. Upon checking, OB says I had this premature opening of cervix (triggered by my infections), specifically the external OS. My condition should be prevented or else it can lead me to a premature delivery of the fetus.

An hour later, I found myself in one of the ob-ward of Dr. Rafael Tumbokon Memorial Hospital. I was confined to 312 to have a bedrest, was given intravenous, and medications to relax my uterus and treat my infections.

I am now home from a three-day hospital admission. I was diagnosed with UTI (again) to consider premature labour. It didn’t scare me not until today when everything sinks in. I never realized that I almost lost my precious little one. Since I am only on my 5^th month my baby is not likely to survive.

By the way, I went home without seeing my Ob… The doctor that happened to cover up for her just uses the trunkline to check on me. J  

Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

"Tito Choy"

(March 18, 2010 7:37 PM)

"Don’t talk to strangers", whatever rule they’re calling it—golden or not—I don’t care.  For me, one of the most important lessons I can learn in life will come from strangers—particularly those people I can discuss topics of everything under the sun for a moment or two. It is my innate nature to talk to strangers. During my college years for instance, I used to exchange stories with a bus driver or with a bus conductor. I love my experienced. I can’t remember their names after the acquaintance, but their ideas on how to live and how they appreciated life is awe-inspiring—lesson learned from them lingers. That's why riding a bus or going to different places is never boring because I can surely meet a lot of people that could inspire me. The story of their lives is an extraordinary inspiration. They were great people from all walks of life. Talking to them is better than talking to a professional who talks about his unending wants in life.

A thirty-something man in corporate attire that seems to be in a hurry had managed to stop walking and offered help to carry my baggage. I smiled and bowed my head a little to say how thankful I am for his kindness. I have two reasons for my refusal. First and foremost, because I have to consider him being a busy man—every second counts. Secondly, I have to be vigilant no matter how I love talking to strangers. I'm at Metropolis outside Alabang Star Mall carrying a baggage that weighed 18.5 kilos! I hate to think that walking in that place alone with some personal belongings is quite risky. I was told that it is one of the places where snatching of cell phones and bags as well as stealing is rampant in the face of the traffic enforcers as well as police officers standing at every corner of the place.

Another young tourist smiled and offered help sincerely, even without stopping. Although I know he is just trying to show off, well it is better than showing no kindness at all. You know people when they're just one of the strangers. They're too good to smile at others and can offer help. And since I'm one of the strangers right there, I smiled back! This is one of the good things of being one of us—because we know nothing about the place and the danger it can bring us—innocence can make us believe that there is a wonderful place left. That we can still live the day with no doubts. Isn’t it amazing to be a stranger?

Later than that, as I tried to negotiate with the taxi drivers for a lower fare going to domestic airport I met Tito Choy. I had 2 hours left, and whether he will give in or not to my offer, I had no choice but to take his cab. At first, I thought of him taking advantage of my need but I tried not to spoil the moment. I had a lot of things to think upon. I don’t want to be distracted by shallow arguments.

He started the conversation; he talked about parenting, his dreams in life, and contentment. We both exchanged ideas and before I knew it, we arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my departure. I forgot how irritated I was to him prior to our conversation. Before I closed the door he called my name at once and said, “I bet you’ll be the best, you take good care of yourself”. Whatever impression I gave him, I hoped he had read it right.

In the waiting area after I had checked in, I bought 2 pieces of brownies and a bottle of water for myself. I realized I haven't eaten anything for the past 30 hours. I can feel and I can hear my tummy grumbles during that moment. I lost my appetite, even the brownies taste like it’s already a month-old or two but it is not. I seated in a back row waiting for boarding time although there were vacant seats near the television so I can be entertained. I stayed away. I don’t think the programs will suffice the emptiness that I’m feeling. I am as well nervous to see my parents that I’m planning not to get in the plane. I put in my sweater trying to comfort myself—my hands were cold and my body trembled. I wanted to run away, live in a certain place where I can be surrounded by strangers. I wanted to be forgotten by everyone who knew me—and if I can, to go unseen.

The moment I buckled up my seat belt my tears rolled down my cheeks like there were no other passengers and flight attendance around me. I can’t stand firm. I'm going home because I failed. My cry tells a thousand words I cannot speak of. How I long to be held close by my parents and be cuddled like a baby—I am scared though and felt unworthy of my longings. But then again, I heard the voice of Tito Choy from nowhere that there is always an unconditional love of a parent no matter how disappointed they may be. All that I’m hearing was his voice and his understanding. I wished I could talk to my parents the way I talked to him; maybe they too will understand and will advise the same thing.

 I haven’t had the chance to embrace my parents as tight as I wanted to and perhaps like I needed… but the mere fact that they were there waiting for me outside the Kalibo airport is enough.

I’m home. Not as sweet as one may expect but it is.

topak

oi, ilang days na lng uwi na dapat ako sa iloilo...attend ng grad... ready na lahat... except sa ofcourse magical na damit! hai.. may karapatan ba ako mag reklamo...sabi nga ng pinsan ko magkikita na lng kmi ng makahanap ng bago...e di ok na ung damit, may paraan na...

Excited na rin ako...dami ng plans...

• makikita ko na father ko, sister ko, tska pamangkin ko na si kyrk...hai kakamiss naman khit 1 year pa lang na hindi kami nagkikita... mga pasaway na un, hehehe

• pag uwi ko magdadala pa ako ng polvoron para kay pareng Janice kasi adiktus un e.. tska xmpre para sa mga best ko, special request...

• makukuha ko na laptap ko sa wakas! ok na daw.. pwde ko na ulit magamit sa mga games... oo best, bibili na ako ng laptap bag ng di na masira ulit.. as if di ko alam e nagtatampo lng un sakin kasi sa bag ko lang nilalagay kasama si moore...pati xa natoxic!

• sa Saturday, pupunta kaming Guimaras kasi nga daw Manggahan Festival.. ang saya naman.. pagkakataon ko na makabonding mga biopipz.. nong college mukhang di ako nakakasama sa mga lakad...

• may swimming kami ni dipher, di ko lang lam kung san... sabi balik kami sa Taklong.. musta na nga kaya don si nemo tska mga coral snakes... inisip ko pa kung bibili ako ng mask ang snorkel kasi ung mga gamit ko ewan.. don n sumama sa magaling kung bhadz na asungot! hahaha bitter e, bkt kasi di nya binalik un e mahalaga kaya un sakn.. tsktsktsk talaga...

• xmpre, mag iinuman kmi ng mga manyakers... ang barkada kung tunay! sa lahat nmn o, un ang pina ka exciting.. kaya nga bumili pa ng bagong digi cam si dipher para may remembrance kmi! ang muling pagkikita ni LONG, THOMAS, DANEZ and TIMI!!! yahooooo... hai ang saya talga

• don ako mag ampon sa bahy ni dipher sa Manduriao... hmmm masarap magluto si nanay... kakamiss na... gusto ko kumain don... promise!!!!! di nyo titigilan, kakalimutan nyo na ang salitang HIYA...

• hai naku, tambak na rin ang tsismis ko kay dipher... dami na ngyari... tska, magkikita din kmi ni JOno Biyo dapat kasi nga wala lng... magkikita lng kmi...

• Ung bestfriend ko na si Hannah pupunta rin daw, xmpre aattend din ng grad ko... after ng grad mag oovernyt kami sa apartment ni Gigi para don na kmi magtsismisan galore...ok n un... ok na daw sila, magfile n lng daw ng leave para sure...

• xmpre pa, ok na si ate pel para maghatid sundo sakin sa Manila airport.. nangako na xa na sya bahala sa'kin...

nu pa ba ang naisip naming gawin, ang dami naming plans ni dipher...

pero e2 ako ngaun... nag iisip, nag ddalawang isip... UUWI BA AKO SA FRIDAY??? MAY GULAY NAMAN O.. LECHEFLAN! KAYA KO BANG UMUWI?????????????

NAKAKATAKOT... DI RIN YTA AKO HANDANG UMUWI... NAKAKATAKOT... NAKAKALUNGKOT NAMAN.. GUSTO KO NA AYAW KO.. TOPAK KA TALGA KAHIT KELAN!!!

ngaun nakatanggap ako ng text kay roa.. kitakits daw sa saturday... si dipher nagtatanong na if pwde daw n magkita na lng kmi sa city kasi mahirap puntahan ang airport sa iloilo... hai... ano nmn gagawin ko.. ano nmn dapat kng sagot?

tapos e2 si Sekretong tao na bigalng sumulpot sa buhay ko... hahhaha meron bang ganon.. nag ask bt ayaw ko na? ano ba daw dahilan ko?

HINDI KO NAMAN MASAGOT!! sabi ko natatakot ako e... bkt nga daw... SABI KO NA LANG, " A BASTA... AYAW KO NA TALGA... BT DI MO GETS?"

panu nga ba nya maggets un kung di ko maexplain, panu maiintindahan ng ibang tao e sarili ko nga di ko maintindihan e... tama ba un?

KAYA NGA TUWANG TUWA AKO SA APMC... AKALA KO MALILIGTAS NA AKO.. SANA MAY MEETING SA FRIDAY! SANA MAY SEMINAR... SANA MAY CONFERENCE... SANA SANA SANA SANA... HAI... DI RIN YTA EFFECTIVE... PERO MALAY MO MERON NGA... SANA MAY HIMALA!!!!!!!!

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com

Aklan: I'll go home later in my life

I still have 53 nights and 52 days to think about it. I wonder if I should continue the risk of going back to Iloilo City (for me, this is a big deal) to attend a graduation—the awaited day, the only thing my parents asked from me in their own silent way, the only joy I could offer them so far—to see their bunso marching with her Sablay together with the rest of the Iskolars ng Bayan—almost my desperation, I never thought I made it.
                 Now that I already have in hand a copy of my eTicket going to Iloilo—everything in me is heightened—fear, anxiety, alarmed, name it. It is not simple, it is not easy... it is a risk. Again, this is a big deal... Pardon me for being such a narrow-minded... I just can't help it.
                Consider this: the moment I printed out the eTicket today, I found myself standing in the middle  of nowhere...things around me moves faster and faster while I, I am just there... standing, I don’t know why... how... and what is happening around me, all I know is that I was thousands of miles behind. So what I am trying to say here...  going back to the place I used to love is scary. I couldn’t find any word that could explain what I feel right now.—it scares me. In fact, If not for the graduation, I’ll surely will make a sacrifice of not seeing my friends and family and cancel my trip right at this very moment—the anticipated fun was gone, t’was replaced by fear in a matter of seconds.
                A common question which I ignored for a couple of weeks already with regards to it:  “Are you going home in Aklan then?”             
 There were realizations made—I had accepted the fact of how bad-mannered I been and realized the mess I made. I personally feel the guilt, feel so embarrassed... the feeling of “if only I could turn back time to avoid my thoughtless actions, then I will” I should have let things pass and let them be... but I didn’t...I was always over powered by my emotions back then. I am simply suffering the psychological consequences of it right now—I got no strength to face Aklan—I am still trying to restore my confidence right now... I hope this is good enough. I am just giving myself a chance to start a life, and later in my life...I’ll be going home.


originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

My Fault

It’s been months since I talked about how I recognized my faulty ways of being a med student on my post entitled “Crazy-Lazy-Future-MD, but nothing had  change. I am still the person doing things  I used to hate.

The exams were bad—including my beloved biochemistry, I made no exemption in my assessment. It was really a promising hell. And I got no man to promise myself that I’ll be better this coming 4th shifting; not this time. Shame on me if I will!

I know this is all because of immaturity, I hate it. I always took things for granted and often times I lost myself. I wish I could make myself hang free—free from madness, hang loose from it.   Damn and shame on me for letting things get into my nerves. It’s my entire fault anyway; I should have made a way not to let things distract me in any way.

 I know I am making another ghost to scare myself—the saddest truth. That’s it.

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com

The Ghost in Me

What I got today as I woke up is a puzzled mind as always. Extreme emotions and those sentiments remains untold, it  continues to linger.

          Everything falls into its proper places but it seems it is never right—it quivers. Seems it was, seems it was right… but why am I still drowning into nothingness.

        Everyday I walk in this kind of road-- all about emptiness… its a never-ending empty spaces of  my life. Every step scares me; everything is at its critical point. I had been through kinds of horrors like this, but this time is different. Because what really scares me today is myself—there is a ghost in me wanting to revenge. Mutated feelings and distorted identity… I got nothing but hatred.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com