Nightmare

The Medicine Auditorium was occupied with Doctors from different departments gathered for an Anual Clinico Pathologic Conference when I arrived. It was an overwhelming crowd. I am actually contented being seated at the back where I had a perfect view of what everyone is doing.

Today I thought of my younger self, back in time when I am fuelled with determination. One fine young lady, I supposed, bursting with strong points and promises. I was once standing in front of the crowd voicing my eagerness to someday wear a white coat with a stethoscope hanging on my shoulder, top of this is completing my name with 2 letters added after my  father’s—M. and D.— letters that empowers a good reputation.

The Class prophecy I read in front of the crowd (which I personally wrote) was the only way I could tell the world that I have a dream—that I wanted to be someone if only given a chance. During those times, it was rather impossible for someone like me to afford a Medical School, and survive it as well.

I can specifically picture out how gloomy I was to be listed as BA Psychology when all I wanted was a Science Degree in Biology as a Pre-Med course even though I was not assured yet of pursuing Medicine. I finished BS Biology and Medicine too. I was always secured. I always believe in myself. I am strong. I was once undistracted.

Today as I return from a 6-day hiatus, I remember all these. I desire to be revived. I want to breathe once again, of good hope.  I need my nerve back.

But how can I possibly finish my end when I am, in reality suffocated with anger? There, I found myself running away from the auditorium after being reminded that I'm shattered. I fail to compose my intentions. I was made-up to regain my strength but still too weak.

I found myself crying as if this agony cannot be fought. What really hurts most is a part concealed until becomes a little obvious…that I’m losing myself along my fading dream.

Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

"Huling pahina"

May mga pagkakataong pilit kong inuunawa ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Pilit hinahanapan ng sagot ang mga bagay na walang katanungan.

Hawak ko ngayon ang aklat ng buhay ko at  sa aking pag-iisa, isa isa kong binuklat at binalikan ang bawat pahina. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa ako mismo ang nagsulat ng kwentong akala ko'y naging masaya, naging malungkot, naging magulo. Hindi ko mahanap ang parte ng buhay ko na iyon.

Hindi ko mahanap ang pahina kung saan ako nagsimula, hindi ko tuloy masundan ang takbo ng istorya. Mali ba ang naisulat ko? Mali ba ang nagawa kong kwento?

Kung nagkamali man ako, mabubura ko pa kaya ang naisulat ko at palitan para sumang ayon ito sa inaakala kong kwento ng buhay ko? Imihinasyon, walang katotohanan o sadya bang pilit kong tinatalikuran ang aking nakaraan?

Madalas kong mabanggit sa ibang tao "balang araw, magiging tama din ang maling maling mga nagawa ko tanggap ko lahat sa buhay ko". Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling at bakit ko nasasabi ang isang paniniwala na hindi ko pa naman lubusang naiintindihan.

Isang pahina na lang ang hindi ko pa nasusulatan. Sana sa pagkakataong 'to makasulat ako ng isang magandang kwento. Ang kwentong maipagmamalaki at maibabahagi ko balang araw.

Distracted

 I am distracted of being a student and being within my parents premises right now.  That's it, I said it right and directly.

I'm on my 24th year of being dependent to them. Oh my… A very frustrating reality; All my friends are out there earning a living while I still depend with  what my parents can offer me. Some of my girl friends are  carrying bags of diapers and baby stuffs, while I am here carrying bags of notes and books. It feels like I had nowhere to go and seems I'm in the middle of nowhere again.

At 24, I got all the disappointments one can get--

bad life…

bad decisions…

Being alienated…

Rocky roads…

Failing memory…

Worst attitude…

And down the line!

I dont know moment

I really don’t know what to write in here despite I think a lot. I sleep early last night… I mean early morning! I was disturbed by something I cant describe.

two-timers back off

“Boys will always be boys” ...well... as good as telling me that boys will never be a MAN. Damn, I even hardly define a man--as hard as defining a woman's worth

This is such a complicated thought but can’t help myself but to make a short blog.

And how can I be this sarcastic knowing everybody is enjoying and making fun out of it—as if it is already an accepted joke— and from time to time I caught myself laughing with the rest of the group.

The fact that I know exactly how it feels like to be soooooo stupid—I felt guilty laughing with! It is a situation wherein everybody around knows what is happening and smells a stinging fact except you—thus everyone in the circle thinks you are such a brainless out-of-this-world-creature because your senses are so poor to find out that there is a smoke not until there is a fire and it was too late that you already found yourself burning!

thats it, a woman's worth seems they're such a good laughing stock...making everybody happy

A Boy makes fun of girls—an accepted fact, a very common one, undeniably true. They tend to mislead, deceive, and tell a dozens of lie (just name it, they’re doing it)... and for them this is funny; this is great, something to be proud of. They talk and laugh out loud—everyone is enjoying the story “I am just a loving man thus I love them both”—such a super duper duh “little-boy-line”

so miserable! It’s like when you play, it is boring to own only one toy soldier and it should be pair or in battalion!

What are they trying to prove anyway: “Guys, guess I am tricking my girl! I’m proud of it, be proud of me and you can laugh at her anytime, at any rate you like” what a public statement! What a little boy!

In this case I found a victim but can I consider this a crime when everybody is accepting it like it is a part of standard? This is how people enjoy their lives... this is how some people move on... I just can’t live with this standard—and I am not supporting anyone, any friend living with this standard... I am just so sorry for not being supportive and for being such a huge fan of KJ movement! period!


originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com