February 26, 2008

Aklan: I'll go home later in my life

I still have 53 nights and 52 days to think about it. I wonder if I should continue the risk of going back to Iloilo City (for me, this is a big deal) to attend a graduation—the awaited day, the only thing my parents asked from me in their own silent way, the only joy I could offer them so far—to see their bunso marching with her Sablay together with the rest of the Iskolars ng Bayan—almost my desperation, I never thought I made it.
                 Now that I already have in hand a copy of my eTicket going to Iloilo—everything in me is heightened—fear, anxiety, alarmed, name it. It is not simple, it is not easy... it is a risk. Again, this is a big deal... Pardon me for being such a narrow-minded... I just can't help it.
                Consider this: the moment I printed out the eTicket today, I found myself standing in the middle  of nowhere...things around me moves faster and faster while I, I am just there... standing, I don’t know why... how... and what is happening around me, all I know is that I was thousands of miles behind. So what I am trying to say here...  going back to the place I used to love is scary. I couldn’t find any word that could explain what I feel right now.—it scares me. In fact, If not for the graduation, I’ll surely will make a sacrifice of not seeing my friends and family and cancel my trip right at this very moment—the anticipated fun was gone, t’was replaced by fear in a matter of seconds.
                A common question which I ignored for a couple of weeks already with regards to it:  “Are you going home in Aklan then?”             
 There were realizations made—I had accepted the fact of how bad-mannered I been and realized the mess I made. I personally feel the guilt, feel so embarrassed... the feeling of “if only I could turn back time to avoid my thoughtless actions, then I will” I should have let things pass and let them be... but I didn’t...I was always over powered by my emotions back then. I am simply suffering the psychological consequences of it right now—I got no strength to face Aklan—I am still trying to restore my confidence right now... I hope this is good enough. I am just giving myself a chance to start a life, and later in my life...I’ll be going home.


originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

February 21, 2008

Dealkylation

I already heard and read the word “dealkylation” for so many times! It is just a chemical process wherein there is a removal of alkyl group in a molecule. But the word seems new to me when it was mentioned yesterday in our biochemistry class. And there I go again, “lost in space”, I been busy considering the word alkylation as my next step for my complete reinvention (haha! The hell, if I am not the one writing this I’ll probably raise my eyebrows while reading this blog—good thing its mine)

I made a simple correlation (Literally. It is just a "Sounds-like-drama" reminding me of something....the dealkylation and dealchelation... again, making this blog an eyebrow raiser! hehehe (pardon me but the term "eyebrow raiser" just pop up in my mind out of nowhere.. just laugh with me)...

from my chemistry class; I noted that alkylation is one of the steps in various toxic and must-to-know-biochemical-pathways, a necessary step before having the needed end-product.  Without which, a pathway could not be completed even if there is an alternative way. True, continuing the process without the removal of the group (if there is really a requirement to do so)—seems possible—you’ll just end up accumulating the precursor molecule or perhaps you will probably end up with a different product. For all we know, there is always a need to remove something from a molecule, if needed, in order for it to enter the site of reaction and in order for the next reaction to occur properly.

Dingdong! Does it ring a bell, or it was only I who could make this kind of strange link? If not, I guess I have to believe my high school teacher that everyone born in the month of February inherit their weirdness from the month itself (as weird as it is)


It seems right, taking this step is my way of “getting more closer and closer to becoming Cristy May”—and this confirmation from a mentor whom I respect most is just a relief.


That’s all for now—I am anticipating for a more toxic yet proper reactions to come.

Originally posted
cristymay.multiply.com

White Flag

 And I feel like singing today...


I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
by Dido

Originally posted at: cristymay.multiply.com

February 9, 2008

A happy February

Public announcement.... I’m turning 22 in the next few hours
  yahooo!!!
February is a happy “month” for me, as always—my most awaited time of the year

a month of laughter and.. laughter...
Well, I really don’t know what I am going to tell the world right now, all I know is that I am so happy and I feel so great having people around me.

Spending moments with my friends and family is enough to make me happy this time


since I was a kid, (oi, I’m not a kid anymore, haha) I never asked for  parties with loud dancing music or yummy foods and drinks,  all I want is laughter and few talks with people close to me. (And I remember; I preferred to wear slippers and pants during my 18th birthday and spend the day with my friends at the beach, despite the fact that my parents wanted it to be “formal”—like me wearing a gown! What?!?  Anyway that was just one funny story I always loved to remember.
Anyway, on my 22nd year of my existence, I would like to thank my special friends, really, this is serious! My Bests Weng, Janice, Lana, and Cathy for accepting me, for being so good to me, for believing me... what else... “Honestly”, I never thought I’ll still be having a happy February...hmmm *sniff* wink! I really got sisters in you


 see... you make my stay here a home sweet home.
Of course, my old good friends and my familyJ thank you very much...

Warning: no one is allowed to spoil my month, ok?

Originally posted at: cristymay.multiply.com

February 7, 2008

Dear Ana

di ka talga nakakatuwa ngaun... pero magkakasundo rin tau...someday...balang araw... pagdating ng panahon (ika nga ni Ja)  makukuha ka rin namin...
P.S.
di pa namn ako galit.
Godbless Anatomy

Originally posted at: cristymay.multiply.com

February 6, 2008

Send my love to heaven


*A re-post, I am not the author of this wonderful love story*


What can I say about a girl I loved since I was ten..... that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night show? Somehow, I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there's no hope in doing so. For now, it's rather too late- too late for me to do so.


She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love her not only because she's pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.


I could still remember the first time we met; I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a neighboring state because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I've seen. She was four years old that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said, "By the way, my name's Sam, what's yours?" I answered, “My name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, “Well I like your name. Hey your tree house's neat!" then I replied, “Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said "I'm here now, we could do things you do with troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It's a deal then!" So that's how it started.


So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to loose a week’s allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.


The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other's dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.


As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once, when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.


Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.


We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments, flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance mixed feelings of anger and hurt because it hurts so much to know that there were so many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.


Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.


Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. every time we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there's a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I whisper the words "God how I love you."


Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up to their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.


So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.


So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I couldn't bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her I love her. So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.


It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to die just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We we're silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam." The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!" I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.


Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then asked, “Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I turned to open the door for her.


When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said," Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.


It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven't done it.


We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she doesn't know. So I went and search for her.


As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium. Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn't return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.


The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me. There was something in her eyes I couldn't describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled it wasn't the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.


So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I'm worthy of having her.


It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her. Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her.


I reached their house; I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn't smile back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful lasy just like my dear Sam. I then asked," Hi Jen! I guess you're surprised why I'm here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Ummm.........bby the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."


I was confused with the way she's acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but just answered my questioned briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. The Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."


I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I would soon wake up.


I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for explanations and slowly started saying," It has been a week since she died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE. She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a parcel and with that she left.


I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading........



******************************


I know by this time you read this letter I'm gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you. I would also like you to know that I had left something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that's why the happiest days of my life was when you were by my side. You just don't know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can't stop crying because I'm afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can't bear to see you with another girl. I just want you all to myself. I may sound selfish but that's how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to full myself that you're in love with me too. So many nights I've cried when I think of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I'm saying are lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.


I know you might be thinking of Mark but I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know how you would react and with that I'll know that you love me too. But I failed for you didn't give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explained to him that it's you whom I really love. What happened next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me, I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.


Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will be yours alone.


P.S.
Think of me sometimes.... and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.



************************************



I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."

February 1, 2008

Misunderstood

I am trying to figure out myself what makes my life miserable these past few days.  Those unexplained cause that made me feel like i am being one of the world’s outcast. Perhaps, its the rain that reminds me of the pains I been through, it is my frustration of having a meaningless life—I am extremely saddened and so disappointed with myself today.


I am trying to fix my broken life. I tried so hard but like a broken glass, I never have a chance to patch-up everything. There will always be an empty space, vanished parts and deformities. Life will never be as perfect as the way life before, no matter how hard I tried. There is no way for reinvention. I don't know, but I once believed that wearing a mask will make my life look better. It is the only way I could think of today. I have to hide those scars that marked my dark past.


I feel so down… so ugly… I am so exhausted… and yeah, wasted. I am truly impaired… Am I going to be a doctor or end up again in nowhere for a thousand time already. I hate that destination—a literally known “space” wherein you cant find any single thing around, an empty freedom.

Some people would say “I am just getting frustrated over something I should not”. Then, do you know how it feels to be like CRISTY?

    I am silently struggling to survive, fighting back myself—exactly, my greatest enemy as of now is myself. Do you know then how hard it is for me to contradict everything? I wanted to cry and revenge but I should not. I wanted to die but I should stand firm. My body and mind is becoming weaker each passing day—times that I need silence to convince myself that I have to be strong. It is exactly the abnormality I identified to be Major Depression and not just a feeling of blues and sadness.

This is bad, but all I wanted to do right now is to take revenge. I tried hard to let it go, but I can still hear those insults I got back home. I can still hear myself screaming in pain. And what hurts more is the fact that I been so nice— I been so good… but then they still did those wicked things pushing me to be BAD.

        And the stinging fact perhaps was those moments that I am in tears while they're all in laughter calling me crazy.

        Tell me now, am I really bad to think and feel this way?


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Biochemistry Day

my props:)
        Today is supposed to be our biochemistry day—to “cram” for the mind-numbing cycle of metabolism… those molecular pathways are driving me crazy! My imagination doesn’t work properly… I can’t picture out those molecules reacting to one another creating products of carbon skeleton and their R-groups entering one pathway or cycles in our cells. And what is the difference of organic phosphate and pyrophosphate once again? All I know is that one is Pi and the other is PPi— they are both phosphate.  So who the hell discovered how molecules are cleaved or transaminated to form new products? What a brain! I wished I also have the same number of functional neurons they have!

So biochem expert, I can hear you saying “dork!” I simply don’t understand and that’s it! I don’t need your violent reactions anyway; I am just being honest that those reactions are confusing me: is that for real?

And yeah, I already studied those stuffs in my Elementary Biochemistry class and I was even enrolled in Molecular and Cell Biology course—well, I got a grade of four in Cell Biology (freaking detailed reactions, I want a proof of their existence:-) and luckily satisfactory grade in Elementary Biohemistry! Still, I don’t understand the whole thing.

Well, this is science… yeah the one I love ever since. If only my memory is not failing me, I can surely do well. But it always does and it failed me a million times already!

And guess what I am doing before I write this blog item? I played Cake Mania and mystery case file… feeling guilty though. And last night I was with my friends drinking and having fun…

See, I am not even doing something to make myself improved a little bit. I got no spirit to study… there is something within me that is holding and pushing me to play games.

smiling timmy
All I understand is that when I play my mind sinks into nothingness. One kind of emptiness I wished to experience. I have nothing to think about—it is my way to run away from reality once again. Because my actions are revealing—there is something that upset me—something I don’t recognized yet.
Last night on my way home, I can’t help but to stare other passengers one by one. Each of them reminded me of the unfair life. Going into my life drama again!

Or perhaps I am just intoxicated; it is just a mere effect of the alcohol being absorbed by my system so quickly. So it is true that alcohol can be a depressant drug aside from being a stimulant. From my reading, it does depresses a person by closing some brain circuits, interferes chemical messages into the brain and ruin short term emotional gains…and want to hear of a molecular unfair reality? Women is said to produce less alcohol dehydrogenase (can reduce the amount of alcohol entering the body by approximately 20%) than men! That is why we become more intoxicated on less alcohol! Still, there is an issue of inequality here! Life is unfair even when it comes to molecular level.

Originally posted at

Crazy-Lazy-Future-MD

Is it stupid to say that the world indeed has the capability to turn us upside down? My innocent belief when I was once a little kid attacked my mind early this morning. Those days when I pictured out myself living outside the planet, so when it turns around the solar system we have to be very careful because we might fall out...well then I tried to convinced myself that we live inside the planet, so I don’t have to worry of falling out into the solar system!  I will never live long out there—it is so dark even if it has all the stars I love.

It scares me until I learned from my basic science courses about gravity and the likes. Hmmm… see what a simple science can do? It can clear up our puzzled thoughts and can make us feel better—giving us peace of mind by answering all our questions with giving us  reliable basis. That’s why I love science! It explains us very well the cause and effect of a thing up to its detailed and tiny element. That’s how science amazed my young mind.

            Loving science, I took up biology  and was inspired to enter medicine—for an everlasting wonderful world of discoveries.

            I am not going to talk about science technicalities here, I am not good at that… though I was exposed to science for years… I wished to master the secret of science! I really love to study and learn more facts. But, i guess it won’t happen for a lazy crazy future MD like me, right?
         
            The problem with me was I am too pre-occupied with my dreams. I wanted this and that. I planned for this and that. I am going to be like this someday… someday… and someday.

        Becoming a medical doctor or working in a laboratory, or  working on a special problem regarding the community structures organisms, then let me come up with an excellent scientific paper… life is great by then.

I am so busy daydreaming, building castles in the air, creating perfect stories out of imagination. I got all life’s fantasy. I been the person I always wanted and been to places… so may of those, only in my dreams.

            I had miss to realized the fact that I have to work hard in order for me to reach my dreams. Daydreaming won’t take me into reality. I have to work so hard—double time to catch the wasted time—if I can.

            I am a medical student. I should be studying so hard and learn facts religiously. I should not go to bed tired of solving the mystery file games and diner dash—I got case studies in biochemistry still. I should stop taking for granted those little facts.  I should spending more of my time with my books and not with Tom&Jerry.  I should be writing a Physiology laboratory report instead of editing my friendster profile. I should study Gross anatomy and master the parts of cadaver instead of judging people around me.

I had been so lazy, so crazy medical student for past few months.
It is not a good start I know… I am not learning the way a future doctor should… and I know pretty well that if I am not going to change my bad habit then I am not going to be a good Medical doctor someday.

            Well, what do you think guys? I hope identifying these faulty ways of medicine life could awaken my lost determination of becoming a GOOD doctor.


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Drivers of Life

Life is unfair... coated with layered of ironic facts…and the fact that no one can go out alive is a good basis to enjoy it. It feels like your living inside an empty but convoluted box—this is an adventure.

            It is not a race; it is not about destination, it is not driven by destiny, tis a journey regardless of those things. It is how you walk and take each step. It is how you deal with the ups, downs, curves, and cross points. It is how you interpret the “traffic lights and street signs” of life—stop when you need to stop, slow down when needed, turn left, turn right, have a U-turn only when allowed. Isn’t it fun? Isn’t it exciting? And isn’t it tiring? This is a challenging journey, utilizing your gained energy till you drained out and trying to test your patience in unreasonable way.

And what is the point of all of this hardship when we can travel like we are going away to a grand vacation? Pack all the things we want and drive down the road while singing a happy song—a long smooth journey.
   
            What's the point?  sarcastically or what, there is none. traveling is not that easy. we can't go on a vacation everyday.  
            
          A mere fact to realize is that when problems stikes us, we have no choice but to keep moving--if you're mature enough, I guess... like when it rains, we don't stop driving our life, the journey must go on.
       
        Identifying the Ironic fact, when it eventually shine we can find rainbows in the sky afterwards. Think. Our pains and our happiness can make us a better and enhanced individual… success comes after tears and laughter reacts together. Just like Sunshine and rains can make a beautiful rainbow.

Fine!... And what is the distinction between the unfair life and the ironic life. What is unfair and what is the irony of it?

        Confusing reality can drive you crazy. No one knows the exact difference of it. people can perhaps tell you by words, but deep within—it confused them too... why is life unfair and why it does need to be ironic.

I guess, no one is obliged to know… but it is a necessity for us to be aware of it, it’s a fact… and we should surpass all this craziness… there is no reason for us to be ignorant—pains should not surprise us anymore—it is already a part of our life.


Originally posted at 
cristymay.multiply.com

In my Deepest Silence

I seldom talk and decide… and worst, I hardly had a good choice of word and decision. It is always something to regret, actions and words that will soon attack me with guilt.

            So, what do you think is the best for me? Do I have to remain forever in silence and in passive stance? I know I am not smart but I am not dumb either.  Perhaps I need time to think of something that could make me a better person.
            This is what I mean of being back in reality: having the ability to recognize mistakes and the capacity to withstand it.

            People around know little things about me, and I am not asking them to know those silly details of my stupid life. There is no need to know those information’s just for me to be understood.

            Though I want people around me to consider the fact that they know little,  that's why there is no point of judging me.

            I wish they know that I am on my process of gaining my lost ground— finding my vanished essence of lonely existence—looking around for my missing low self-esteem

—no more, no less, no questions to be ask.
Originally posted at

Numb

            I have to admit this fact that there are still times I thought of people fooling me and making fun out of me… times when I thought of God trying to abandon me… times when I am alone—there is no one to trust to.
            No one likes me and everybody hates me. The previous chapter of my life had impaired me psychologically—it made me believed that life is indeed unfair.
            I know this is an insult to all people who is trying to help me out of depression. To all who been true to me—I am so sorry that I talk this way, I am just being true.
            This is exactly what I feel. Life is tougher than what it seem to be….see, here I am standing in the middle of nowhere... I know pretty well where I am—but i am confused--i am in the middle of nowhere.
            I know people around me—they are all good. I believed that there are still people who are good at heart. But, I hardly managed myself to trust their goodness completely.
            I have these very bad mind-set I know. I thought of it like a history repeating itself. This is just like the old “once good chapter of my life”.
            I been to situation where people around loves me and cares for me—then ended up to … as in dot dot dot—I hate to explain but it reminds me of the NAGARAYA ad where everyone turned into a monster after eating!
            I did the greatest trick of life today; laugh so loud while my heart bleeds seriously. Shame on me—I wanted to cry… all I wanted is to shout to release the burden inside me and wash my soul to purity… and guess what, I was tricked by myself too…I GOT NO TEARS TO CRY.
            So ironic! I am getting numb little by little just what I always wanted to be. But here is the irony of it: It is so irritating to cry over silly things, but isn’t it more irritating when you need to cry for a good cause but you can’t?

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Another Day

I can hardly think of something that could somehow make this journal a drama-free. I know I am making people believed I am happy right now—I laugh and I’m starting to love my new life. The truth is, I am still trying so hard to meet their expectations. 
Originally posted at: cristymay.multiply.com

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