Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Perpetualite to Bid Goodbye...

I finally had the time to write. I’ve been lazy for the past few days for two extreme reasons: I am simply tired (literally) and frightened more than usual. I’ve been to Luzon and back here in Visayas in three days time and with that time span worries were accepted, and awareness was established.

That night before I left for Cavite was filled with upsetting noises that only I can hear. Having this kind of ears that can perceive the sound others cannot is driving me crazy. The sound within me was even worse than that of crickets at night. I feel like a dead woman for my body was cold but ironically I never heard my heartbeat that loud. I am not sure if I had fallen asleep or I was just there staring blankly all over my room until the sun was up. From time to time, I was tempted to write to get rid of all the bewilderment in my mind but I barely had the courage to put my thoughts into words. My throat sores as I read out lout to break the annoying noise that was keeping me up. I failed to free myself from panics. Thus, I stayed late and ended up more like of a zombie acting creature the next day. I sometimes picked up things not knowing what it is for.

 The day I left, I waited for almost four hours before the bus had arrived. But four hours is not enough, I wished then to stay as eager as my heart and my mind wanted me to stay. I don’t really want to go but the College of Medicine of University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU requires my presence for my exit interview with the Student of Affairs. As I waited, one memory keeps on flashing back. I was sitting outside the chancellor’s office trying to weigh up things. It was my birthday and I told myself that Perpetual is not my home to stay with. I never knew then that I will be provided with reasons to leave, good enough to break away.

I went back to my school for my exit interview and to request for transfer credentials. To my disappointment my qualifications as a registered Medical student were all gone at the registrar's office. That includes my NMAT result, my NSO birth certificate, and my College TOR. Surprisingly true, my envelope of records was empty. I don’t want to think that it was ripped off but I am actually considering it. But then again, my determination was firm enough to take my grounds. I happened to have an extra copy of my college TOR and NSO birth certificate, and I went to Center for Education Measurement at Makati City to retrieve my NMAT grades.

There, I am now a Certified Perpetual Student but too bad I needed to sign for my exit clearance right away.

Some said I should have stayed. Perhaps I could but I would not because I wanted to save my dreams. I’m holding on and I made my choice to be alive. This is not a waste of time; this is not a failure, not my defeat. No matter how tricky the road is, no matter how long it will take, this is still my journey... Someday soon I'm going to tell my story with pride. I’ll be learning in every route I’ll take. At the end, I’m not going to sit down and dream of my life but I’ll rather be going to start another walk to begin a different journey—endless as it is.
 

A little bit of something on my 11th day

People come and go; often times its just because of natural death where one, happy or not, had no other choice but to leave behind the weary world, some people were lucky enough to travel around, some decided to migrate, some had given up their life, some had settled down to have their own families-- perhaps, they're the chosen few who was lucky to grabbed hold of  a moving world.

 Although, it is now unnecessary to make another drama because life is happier today (but still I want to tell the world this is what I feel) that I was one of the undefined--trapped in a place where no one knows it existed and where uncertainty is the only thing that keeps us moving. I'm in my own world.

Life is becoming more depressing each passing day. An overwhelming surprises happens anywhere and everywhere at any times. Surprises that sometimes gives meaning to an otherwise worn out existence. Little revelation that brought about light that could lead the way… surprises that sometimes came along like a strong wind that blows out the light until sadness govern the day.

this is life and its uncertainty...

Round and Round it Goes

It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm listening to home radio manila. I cant sleep again.

Lately, I've been trying to block the world using my earphone. I intended to turn the radio on to drown myself into the sound of music and allow its melody to bring me into nothingness. Although, there are moments that the songs being played on air tears my heart apart and it awakens emptiness.

Some creepy thoughts. It seems that my neurons are actively doing their jobs  but my comprehension of what is it about is not working. The whole process is a failure.

And when I close my eyes I see a lot of things, faces, and places. I see no exact point where to stop for everything moves to and fro. I can hardly focus on what to think about. That's why what I'm doing right now is extremely tiring. Believe me. This is a torture.

One moment I laugh the other I cry and it goes round and round. Tired. Tired. And I'm really tired.

Prayer of One Who Travels

The road of life is rugged and rough.
I am afraid and tired to go on.
Take me, Lord, and let me pass through.

The road is dark and dangerous.
I have no courage and very much
   disappointed.
Hold me, Lord, and let me reach my goal.

The road seems endless and no result
   is in sight.
I lose hope and get discouraged.
Assist me. Lord, and let me do
   what is right.

The road makes my body tired,
    my load heavy
    my patience thin
    my mind weary
    my waiting irritating.
But when You walk with me, Lord
    everything becomes light
    my strength renewed
    my mind refreshed
    my waiting exciting
It is only so when You travel with me.

The road might make me lose the way,
or it might bring some misfortunes.
But walk with me, Lord,
    and I shall have peace of mind.
And more so, I will be free
    from any harm.

The road might lead me to the
    uncertainty of my destination.
I am nervous of what the outcome
   will be.
But walk with me, Lord, and everything
    will be pleasant
and I can progress and even reap
   some success.

Take me with You, Lord,
    in this road of life
and lead me to heaven above.
Travel with me, Lord,
    so I can take the only road
    that will lead me back to You.
Walk with me, Lord,
    that I may know the way to You.

AMEN.

(Prayer Text by Fr. Ruperto Santos, STI)

Tired

one thing I know...they won't stop until you stumble and fall... and I'm tired of standing up again and again

Numb

            I have to admit this fact that there are still times I thought of people fooling me and making fun out of me… times when I thought of God trying to abandon me… times when I am alone—there is no one to trust to.
            No one likes me and everybody hates me. The previous chapter of my life had impaired me psychologically—it made me believed that life is indeed unfair.
            I know this is an insult to all people who is trying to help me out of depression. To all who been true to me—I am so sorry that I talk this way, I am just being true.

            This is exactly what I feel. Life is tougher than what it seem to be….see, here I am standing in the middle of nowhere... I know pretty well where I am—but i am confused--i am in the middle of nowhere.
            I know people around me—they are all good. I believed that there are still people who are good at heart. But, I hardly managed myself to trust their goodness completely.
            I have these very bad mind-set I know. I thought of it like a history repeating itself. This is just like the old “once good chapter of my life”.
            I been to situation where people around loves me and cares for me—then ended up to … as in dot dot dot—I hate to explain but it reminds me of the NAGARAYA ad where everyone turned into a monster after eating!
            I did the greatest trick of life today; laugh so loud while my heart bleeds seriously. Shame on me—I wanted to cry… all I wanted is to shout to release the burden inside me and wash my soul to purity… and guess what, I was tricked by myself too…I GOT NO TEARS TO CRY.
            So ironic! I am getting numb little by little just what I always wanted to be. But here is the irony of it: It is so irritating to cry over silly things, but isn’t it more irritating when you need to cry for a good cause but you can’t?

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

my Pointless Effort

Been staring blankly at my notebook for almost an hour and my system starts not to function properly (again—the three days of school seems to be like a year already.
I am neither tired nor sleepless. I feel good but some things are bothering me right now. Later (I don't know) I might have the courage to write it down, I just don’t know how. Perhaps, I rather keep it myself—the least  (and the best) thing I could do right now.
So the first three days of school was a good challenge, honestly— from the welcome exam of biochemistry (:-) don't get me wrong but i don't expect for a biochem-free Monday anymore), surprised written and practical exam of anatomy (exam-now-study-later system was proven true), the laboratory conference feedback from Dra of course (the time I wished I could switched myself to “manhid-mode” so I could not feel anything while trying to supress my anger), and lastly, the terrifying biochemistry case analysis presentation which in any way made me feel bad. I know those were just some of the challenges and there is more to come.
I believed I need to exert more effort—I just wished I am not the one to blame next time because of my little effort, huh. And I wished I’ll be hearing the right assessment too. My effort may be not as much as one could expect from me but it I believed it was not nothing--or it was really nothing at all, just like those other pointless efforts I made.

originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com

Expectations

Expectations… I been considering myself the weakest… and feel I am nothing in this world—I know nothing… I am not good… and I was discouraged by life… after I lost my essence and found no meaning of my existence… I just live my life the way where winds wanted me to go…soaring in nowhere… enjoying  the journey with laughter and tears… let it be… let it happen… this is my life—who cares?!?

But why are there still people out there expecting something good about me? “Tims, why are you like that?” or “ei, Timz… why? How come? Is that you? Something wrong?” why are they so surprised to know what is happening to me right now?

This is my life… I wanted to be free… let me go… get lost… let me live my life…I am desperate to be happy…let me be...

I am not good… I am not strong… I am not smart… I am Cristy—and I am so tired of expectations.

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Madness

I feel so empty… I am floating into nothingness… and I am heading into the middle of nowhere… walking in the midst of darkness…I hear myself screaming in pain…it echoes back to me… journey… is this life? I wished it won’t last… because I am tired.
            Here comes my craziness… and there comes sarcastic attacks…
I no longer have tears to cry to clean my sorrow… I am so drained…exhausted…my soul is getting numb…better stay away from me—I am not what I am… I am not good and I will never be one…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com