Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Thirty Five Minutes Gone

I have exactly thirty five minutes before the day is over. I’ve been lying all alone in my bed for hours trying to get a good sleep but then was disturbed by some creepy thoughts. The current condition out here is not a picture perfect but still can be pictured out; All lights are gone, the music stopped playing, the television been turned off, all I hear is nothing but silence. With this awareness of how dark my surrounding is, I feel like I’m nowhere to be found. All I could ever see outside this room is dark just exactly what I feel inside me. From within I can sense how big the universe is, boundless.

I’m somewhere there. Can you see me amidst the sparkling dots? Maybe the smallest one...or perhaps you can no longer see me at all because everyone’s glow darkens mine. 

The big world makes me feel smaller than I am.

Source: None via Cristy on Pinterest

I am being embraced by loneliness. I’m totally disarrayed to pick the right reason to be happy. I’m blinded by everyone’s glimmer, so blinded not to appreciate my own spark anymore.

Yet I’m a fool if I’ll say I had no reason to smile because I know I have a lot around me. I’m lost. I appear to be missing one precious thing.

I have thirty five more minutes (maybe already lessened by now) to complete one mission tonight: To be freed and to break-away from what is current.

Let me see…

Aside from watching movies aired on HBO and Star Movies I was busy updating my social network accounts. As you can see, I am good-for-nothing spending most of my days talking to random people about random things by just sitting inside my room.

I am busy with pinterest. As they say, re-pinning is such a fun reminder of the clothes you’ll never afford, the home décor that will never fit into a small room, the recipes and crafts you’re too lazy to make, the saying you wasn’t clever enough to think of your own, and the photos you wish you had taken but didn’t. The only good thing I can see in this site is that the feeling brought by someone who re-pinned what you already pinned. It makes you feel that somebody out there shares the same interests with you.

As always, I am Busy with “facebook” which was likened by one member to a “jail” where you sit around to waste time , have a profile picture, write on wall and get poked by guys who really don’t know you. A place where people like your problems and would commenting on them but will keep you hanging. It is a place where you witness how people achieve and celebrate life while you try to update yours hoping they’ll see you celebrating also even if you are actually not. In the end, connecting to people can disconnect you to who you really are because you try to be one of them. Well, at least that is from my own point of view.

And then I am busy with plurk, my life on the line. The latest social network I registered with where I choose not to show other members my personal details; only a screen-name, my gender and country. Sometimes it’s funny how you interact with people whom you don’t know but talk like you already know them for years. You exchange stories then the next hours they’re gone leaving you ideas on how people is from different walks and times.

 The top of this is that I totally lost my passion on writing blog despite the creepy and disturbing thoughts. It seems that those short lines I posted such as “I hate it” and “I’m sleepy” among others was enough to get rid of the disturbing mood I’m into. I post like everyone is interested with what I'm doing every second. That's not true in any way, the hell they care with the movie I watch, the food I'm eating, the mood I'm having.

But it is never enough to keep myself busy. I left myself disturbed. Here I am, back and ready to rant.

Tonight’s challenge is to bring back my old self, the one who find ranting as way of making something good for one’s way of life. To write hoping to make some realizations and attribution. In any way, find answers.

Because despite all the wonderful things that is happening right now I am confused if I truly feel it as wonderful or I just think of it as it is. Am I just here convincing myself?

I sometimes wonder why am I here and where should I supposedly be if I am not. Maybe I can call this “regrets”. That maybe if I’m only good and wise enough I am not here isolating myself in fear nor crying to sleep all night. I should be out there enjoying more of life.

I sometimes wonder if I could still be good and will I ever find my lost ground again. It’s been days of questioning existence; how come? Why then? What should be? It’s been days of daydreaming on all the things I really wanted.

These are all about wanting the things I never had and I never did.

But I can never turn back the time as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure if I can move on as the old me or I should be the other person walking forward to face what is ahead tracking a different path.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I think thirty five minutes is not enough.

Times up! If you'll be needing me, see me in space...

My Weakness becoming my strength

Behind the strength I Impart is a weak spirit that set in so I can carry on. I am not strong, but I'm struggling to be—giving all the best that I can so I can survive. The changes of becoming and unbecoming might be subtle. There are moment’s gone unnoticed, pain being ignored, and tears kept to solitude. I am the picture of pretension, I may be, and yes I am.

Things are manage differently in the hope to discover something to fill the missing links—at the very least not to make another one. But then, things remained disconnected.

I search endlessly thus this journey exhausts me. Each morning comes with a question, as if the chirps of the little birds outside my window are there to remind that I still got no answer until this time. I should have it by now. Ignorance is always the most exhausting part of this journey--the "not knowing part of life"

Despite this melodramatic series I stayed to show the world that I am good. The sadness within me will motivate me to search for a happy walk, my weakness for my search of strength and my pain to seek for a restore.

This journey is yet to end. There are a lot to be done, truths to be told, and dilemmas to surpass.   Unending it maybe, round and round it will always go but this long route I took will someday make me feel being rewarded.  

Choice

Home Sweet Home all alone

 “Choosing to live your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”

A lot of things had changed. I am now living all alone... yes! all by myself at home everyday. Sometimes i do wonder if I really should consider it as a home, or it is just rather a place to shelter me every night. I find it hard although it is more comfortable on my part to live this way. I have no one to worry about and I can now do things according to my will without having to hurt anyone—that is, without taking into account the convenience of other people. I don’t belong to someone and at the same time I am nobody’s master.

It may be tiring to take care of one’s self after a long day of work, and it is rather depressing too eating a meal unaccompanied.  But the pain from the past when I was still surrounded by everyone is simply unbearable that I am determined to stand alone instead of leaning on a weak wall. All I need to do right now is to stay strong… because I have no one beside me; I have no one to depend to.

This is my choice—I got it—my desire to make a choice.  I am indeed on “other side”, perhaps miles apart from the one I used to. But this kind of life is worth living because I’ve been through a lot to establish this. I am trying to adopt this kind, and my hope is to survive.