Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Staying young

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land." Peter Pan

 Apart the desire to look young is the eagerness to hold the innocence we once cling into—those days when we believed that life is beautiful. Those days when we never thought that our playground will soon be a battlefield. No one told us of that actually. Everyone has allowed us to enjoy and then soon after the pleasure was the surprises of seeing the unforeseen part of life—Failures, disappointment, and frustrations do exist. It is never easy to chase a dream unlike imagined.

Growing up, at times, is something we wish we can get rid of. There comes a time when we wanted to go back to the unrestricted world we once enjoyed during our childhood days. We sometimes long for those years when we know nothing about fear, when we ask instead of we search for an answer, when the only task that tired us was to arrange our toys in a shelf. Less troubled world. We are free of responsibilities, duties, and obligations. 

Being young also means the ability to solve tough problems because you are not baffled yet by the possibilities of failing. Focus was never an issue back then. Panic was never a part of life.  Thus, younger minds have better ideas. Sadly, some of us somehow lose the ability as we aged, as the roads we took distract us. 

To stay young.  It is the first thing we could ever wish for when our hearts are broken, whenever we are blamed, when we are discourage by life, when we are disappointed by our shattered dream,  and whenever we find ourselves astray amidst of nowhere.

When this kind of time will knock our day, it is not bad to pamper ourselves with everything we loved during our younger years. 
Walk down to the sea shore barefoot to collect shells
Climb a tree and have some time alone like there is no way for you to fall
Dance under the rain like no one cares
Have a break to play
Laugh out loud with old friends
Talk to someone younger than you
Remind yourself on how to laugh, how to make fun, how it feels like to be young. 
Freshen up your mind because there are times when we forget how to laugh.

It is not bad to laugh like a kid. Just set your limitation on how young you would go. What am I talking about? to follow peter pan to Neverland (it's your choice anyway). The idea of flying away to a magical world with Peter Pan is a fantasy of many because everyone wanted to stay young.  Despite my envy to him for he is embracing a world of fun, I never wanted to be like him. He is a man (?!? / a little man?!?)… Whatever! He is someone who did not take on the responsibility of adult life. He is now flying around the never land—no job, have not settle into a relationship, he is watching generations suffer as it comes and go. I wanted some of the things Peter does not want. I want to be one responsible grown-up, I want a job, and I want a relationship. Peter pan might embrace the joy and wonder of being young but has lost sight of the purpose—that part, I do not want to happen in my life.

Well, I do not really want to condemn Peter for what he is right now. Everyone has a purpose and choice. I want to respect them whatever it may be. I have my own and my purpose in life is to grow up and conquer life.

Gone are those days… Peter Pan is not going to fly to my window and will not take me to Never Land. If he will, I'll choose to stay here on my own real world. Here, I can stay adventurous—I can stay young at heart.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning." Peter Pan

Because I have to walk away

I found myself walking alongside a busy aisle…

Everyday faces having familiar voices…

I seem to be lost in crowd but I am not…

I’m certain with each step that I took…

I know which way to go…

I’m sure of my steps…

I have seen no one to follow…

So I make my own…

I walk as slowly as I could…

Looking intently on all the things around and beside me,

Trying at my very least to identify a single ground

No one talks but I hear voices from all over the place I barely comprehend

Crowded but I feel no one…

So plain…in a simplest form of illusion

I saw one man holding a promise of good life

Once…our paths had crossed…

Our eyes once again meet…

But gone were the smiles once worn…

Meaningless….

And we walk on our own ways without leaving a word…
the silence we just made was empty...

Sometimes walking away speaks it all…

and the footprints could define them...

Short…fast… and shallow breaths…

I walk as many steps as I could…

I seem to be in a search,

in the middle of the crowd…

I don’t have to stay…

I don’t have to wait…

I can't...

I have to live...

I have to walk away…

Choice

Home Sweet Home all alone

 “Choosing to live your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”

A lot of things had changed. I am now living all alone... yes! all by myself at home everyday. Sometimes i do wonder if I really should consider it as a home, or it is just rather a place to shelter me every night. I find it hard although it is more comfortable on my part to live this way. I have no one to worry about and I can now do things according to my will without having to hurt anyone—that is, without taking into account the convenience of other people. I don’t belong to someone and at the same time I am nobody’s master.

It may be tiring to take care of one’s self after a long day of work, and it is rather depressing too eating a meal unaccompanied.  But the pain from the past when I was still surrounded by everyone is simply unbearable that I am determined to stand alone instead of leaning on a weak wall. All I need to do right now is to stay strong… because I have no one beside me; I have no one to depend to.

This is my choice—I got it—my desire to make a choice.  I am indeed on “other side”, perhaps miles apart from the one I used to. But this kind of life is worth living because I’ve been through a lot to establish this. I am trying to adopt this kind, and my hope is to survive.

OneNote

I just checked my one-note file and this is what I found! Surprisingly, I never thought I wrote this note. I'm feeling sad because it seems to me that I am always on a search. I always seek for something that is never found.

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Dated June 8, 2010:
"Constantly Changing" 

Each person I know is talking about how depressed our town is becoming.

As a certified lasso that established and became comfortable in a rustic ambience, my first impression was that not everyone can actually appreciate the beauty like I do. I’m the kind who desire to breathe fresh air, to walk bare-footed along the seashore, to hear early morning birds making melody. I wanted to live in a place where crickets and frogs blend their noises and are making splendid music during the evening—to live a simple life. 

Aklan can offer a lot—more than Boracay Island do.

I asked for nothing more nevertheless I’m also asking for nothing less.

Days passed by. Each day marks another day of down in the dumps. All the splendid creations vanished in a blink of an eye. Things I appreciated yesterday became the one I hate today.

I’m starting to prove them right. Maybe, those who leave for whatever reason they’re holding to had made the right decision. Maybe, those who decided to stay had no other choice but to be contented.

I wanted to run away from here and go somewhere else instead. I don’t understand why I am so desperate to abandon our town which also means to stay away from my love ones. I feel like I’m not in the right place although I know I am. God knows how confuse I am right now and how eager my heart is seeking for clarity.

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That's all...

Crossroads

Right now I am standing at the middle of the crossroads and the perfect thing is… I don’t know which path to take. There’s this path that will lead me to what I need—to the world where practicality prevails where I can earn a living, at least to support myself. The other one will lead me to the world of my wants—to become a doctor of medicine. I am considering both to be good although I am aware that sooner or later I have to decide which is better than the other.

maybe this is just because of disappointments, rejections, and pressures...

Everyone had fallen asleep. I am surrounded by friends, and we’re all doing a lot of fun. It’s already six in the morning but I can’t help it. I am crying. I don’t know why. Perhaps I am missing a lot of people right now and I am starting to appreciate how good my life was before.   I feel lonely despite the good atmosphere around. I got all those disappointments, rejections, pressures—I’m scared of what is happening to me. It seems that everything is wrong and every decision I made is stupid.

I'm longing for a hug to comfort me. crazy!
anyway... I need some rest, maybe I'll be fine then.

While The World is Moving Around

I may not know where to stand right now because every place I went on seem to be occupied with "expectations".


I'll be right here for a moment, standing motionless in the midst a moving world. I resolved to do better, thus I am staying for a little while to see how the world moves and learn from it.  I'll be taking advantage on where I am right now.


I may not show up moving along with others right now. Maybe because I cant or I just don't want. No one knows and no one will. Everything will remain untold.


My life, my story, my failure, my success will  become "another story". Pieces of information will be gathered by some, but I'm not letting go of the important part, I'm holding on to the one that could complete my own story because I'll be completing it myself.

I don’t intend to be a mystery to anyone close to me. I just want to live my life on my own happy way and that's beyond everybody's expectations. A little of a practicality and bits of pretension can't bring me to where I wanted--I tried but I was brought to nowhere instead. I can assure myself with that.

Sooner or later, I'll be moving along the crowd too.

Prayer of One Who Travels

The road of life is rugged and rough.
I am afraid and tired to go on.
Take me, Lord, and let me pass through.

The road is dark and dangerous.
I have no courage and very much
   disappointed.
Hold me, Lord, and let me reach my goal.

The road seems endless and no result
   is in sight.
I lose hope and get discouraged.
Assist me. Lord, and let me do
   what is right.

The road makes my body tired,
    my load heavy
    my patience thin
    my mind weary
    my waiting irritating.
But when You walk with me, Lord
    everything becomes light
    my strength renewed
    my mind refreshed
    my waiting exciting
It is only so when You travel with me.

The road might make me lose the way,
or it might bring some misfortunes.
But walk with me, Lord,
    and I shall have peace of mind.
And more so, I will be free
    from any harm.

The road might lead me to the
    uncertainty of my destination.
I am nervous of what the outcome
   will be.
But walk with me, Lord, and everything
    will be pleasant
and I can progress and even reap
   some success.

Take me with You, Lord,
    in this road of life
and lead me to heaven above.
Travel with me, Lord,
    so I can take the only road
    that will lead me back to You.
Walk with me, Lord,
    that I may know the way to You.

AMEN.

(Prayer Text by Fr. Ruperto Santos, STI)

Birthday?

Today is my 24th birthday… the saddest of all.

 

 I feel weak, empty and scared. I wish I could stop everything, freeze the world in a snap. I wished to be invisible, to run a way, shout out loud and scream. I wished to let it out--strange emptiness from nowhere. Oh burdens of pain, hatred, and regrets I wished I could return you to where you really belong.

I struggled enough. I wanted to be free.

To run away… just the thought of it tires me already. I had no energy left since I been running all my life--been running from pain. I wanted to seek for another hiding place, where no one can see me dying in agony. For some, what I feel is stupid and nothing.

To be invisible. So I can cry, I can shout hurting no one.

To stay disconnected from the world so that no one will remind me of who I am and who I was.

Trust

Trust, perhaps it is the most important...

But... what if you don’t trust the person you thought you love...

Is it still “love”?

Is it really possible that love would exist without trusting?

Do you really love despite the fact that deep within you there is doubt?

You feel it, the one you been longing...

Happy as you wished you can be... but never contented.

Everything seems real... you almost believe... you tried to...

Yet you’re still seeking for assurance...

Security, perhaps...

You thought you can be protected by someone else...

But you ended up protecting yourself...

Because you can’t consider another mistake

 Scared... of what? Of trusting and believing?

There is no one to trust... no one...

Words... extravagant words...so unreal

Actions... promises... plans... it will never be a reality

Trust, mysterious as it is...You know you need it, but you don’t have it.

Originally poster at cristymay.multiply.com

Misunderstood

Slicing and dicing, she cuts deeper and deeper,
seeing just one drop of blood will make her happy.
Crying and shaking, she raises the knife,
wishing for the courage to take her own life.
Pushing harder on the blade, trying to die,
she often just sits and wonders why;
Why are people so selfish and hating,
nobody knows the pain she suffers through.
She just wants love, why don't they understand this?,
nobody says I love you or asks her how she is doing.
Wanting love more than anything in the world,
wanting to feel pretty once in awhile.
Crying and trying to die once again,
all she really needs is one caring friend.
Depressed all the time for reasons unknown to herself,
wishing all the pain would just go disappear.
Trying to be happy and funny is hard for her,
even when doing things she once did enjoy.
No courage to actually kill herself,
just cutting makes her feel better.
Wishing she could die, not knowing why,
just wanting love and companionship.
Crying and shaking, she raises the knife,
wishing for the courage to take her own life...

this is just a repost, author unknown to me

The Wanted Isolation

I dreamed of peace, and I quest for the inner one. I wished to wake up one morning free of fear and hesitation to face the world. Walk onward to welcome life as what it is— define it as a place where pain and happiness conspires to make a better world. Later in my existence, I wished to be remembered not as the weakest person like what I am today—I desired for a tougher persona.

If not and if I really can’t be tough, I wished I am still the child who enjoyed the silence of the day and stillness of the night.

Living like a doll in a closet, I watched people passing by me, heard them laughing, looked at them cry—let me bring back those good memories and bring it to reality once again.

 How I yearn to be the child in solitude. Perhaps I am just scared of what I am right now making me feel the eagerness to go back in silence.

So true, being in isolation doesn’t mean loneliness at all. It is my life—my wanted one.

This is not my world. Mine is a quite place, where I live alone in silence, where I walk like a ghost and live the way I wanted to live… and my world where no one belittles me.

            Running away from here is tiring. This is reality and I know very well there is no way for me to run away... so I press on and fight to live.

             I have to live this life though I can’t be like the one I used to be

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

December Pain

Obviously, it is Christmas day—25th day of December and today... I already have 21 Decembers in my life…and i guess, I'll be counting more painful Decembers to come. Well. Be reminded of Mr. Grinch who hated Christmas. I do hate this time of the year.

I remember back in my elementary years, I wrote a poem entitled “Is Christmas day not meant for me?” perhaps that explains my sentiments.

As an extra “ordinary” child, hearing from my friends that Christmas is coming saddened me a lot and brings me tears. That’s amazing though! I do know how to cry over life’s drama as young as I am instead of crying because of wounded knees. Those nights I watch my neighbors’ decorated with Christmas stuffs, while ours got nothing—lights off and the rest is sleeping. And on the 25th day of the year, we are all obliged to wake up early to help our parents bake cakes—for the customers. Each one of us is busy, greeting one another is not a big deal and we even ended up with fried egg and rice for lunch--the easiest food we could prepare.

This is what it takes being in a middle class family, we need to earn extra living and celebrating is just an option.

I thought I already overcome the pain, and sleeping before 12 in the midnight could make me leave behind the weeping thing—I was so wrong. I was trying to hold back the tears and keep it by myself. I feel sorry for myself to feel this kind of pain. I mean, I am so old to get hurt. I should be accepting the fact that today is just an ordinary day.

I was used to it; it is always the scenario—no more, no less. Though each year, I do wish I could spend one Christmas Eve together with my family. Have a Christmas filled with laughter and not of tears. That’s it; I was left wondering why.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com