It feels so bad to know what to do but doesn’t know how to make it happen"

I feel numb while struggling to convince myself that practicality as flexibility is way ahead than spending my time being in despair. I once thought to resolve in doing what is best and what is right. But the thing is I honestly had no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t know how it is to be best and how is it to be right. It feels like having a car in one’s garage, you got the key, you discerned where to go but the problem is you don’t know how to drive.

I can talk with Ideas. I got them; it may be wrong for some or can be good to others. Indeed even the smallest and the invisible thing (I am actually referring to what we called “ideas in our minds”) can actually drive us crazy, isn’t it? Believe me, it feels so bad to know what to do but doesn’t know how to make it happen.

Look, what is happening right now in my life is very serious but this time I am not taking it that way because if I will I’ll be mad like no other. The way I see things—some parts of my life and my dream had fallen into a “not so right place”. To fall apart is just a start of a story, but to get going? It is another that I haven't started yet. But one of life’s ironies is that we’re all trying to balance everything. It takes a lot of effort to level off bad and good that’s why life has its ups and downs no matter what you do—just the way of it. sitting on a see-saw is not fun if two great forces will not let each side feel how it is to be down or will not allow feeling the rush of going up. It was not meant to be that way. So as to life, it is not a “life” without all this bits and pieces that pressed a person to be down and eventually pushed them to go up once again.

The hardest deal in my life is happening. But I'm actually thinking of those that happened before hand of this, isn’t it also had been the hardest? I guessed I’m entering another level of difficulty. It is like facing a horror  one after another and it is making me stronger than I thought.

Numb

            I have to admit this fact that there are still times I thought of people fooling me and making fun out of me… times when I thought of God trying to abandon me… times when I am alone—there is no one to trust to.
            No one likes me and everybody hates me. The previous chapter of my life had impaired me psychologically—it made me believed that life is indeed unfair.
            I know this is an insult to all people who is trying to help me out of depression. To all who been true to me—I am so sorry that I talk this way, I am just being true.

            This is exactly what I feel. Life is tougher than what it seem to be….see, here I am standing in the middle of nowhere... I know pretty well where I am—but i am confused--i am in the middle of nowhere.
            I know people around me—they are all good. I believed that there are still people who are good at heart. But, I hardly managed myself to trust their goodness completely.
            I have these very bad mind-set I know. I thought of it like a history repeating itself. This is just like the old “once good chapter of my life”.
            I been to situation where people around loves me and cares for me—then ended up to … as in dot dot dot—I hate to explain but it reminds me of the NAGARAYA ad where everyone turned into a monster after eating!
            I did the greatest trick of life today; laugh so loud while my heart bleeds seriously. Shame on me—I wanted to cry… all I wanted is to shout to release the burden inside me and wash my soul to purity… and guess what, I was tricked by myself too…I GOT NO TEARS TO CRY.
            So ironic! I am getting numb little by little just what I always wanted to be. But here is the irony of it: It is so irritating to cry over silly things, but isn’t it more irritating when you need to cry for a good cause but you can’t?

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com