Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Hold on

I honestly wanted to write something that will make follower of this page (if there is, in any way who stayed) SMILE... but again, I'll write whatever is on my mind.

I used to be a full-time-stay-at-home-mama of one lovely daughter in a mission to make ordinary days extraordinary for a couple of months but then finally decided to pursue Medical School. From there, I don't know what exactly happened. Maybe, some "throwback" posts will soon be filling the gaps of my story. All I know right at this very moment is that I wanted to start sharing and reading blogs once again. I miss this writing whatever that is bugging me... since there  are a lot of them right now.  

I  ignore things, people, and situations. Easiest way I could  to make my journey easier. Let it be... let it pass... close my eyes...cover ears...take a deep breath from time to time... protect my heart if I can...and finally focus on things that will make me happy... You actually need to convince yourself   first that you'll be ignoring a lot of possibilities beforehand.

Recently, I learned from a friend the law of attraction which clearly states that every positive or negative event that happened with you was attracted by you. And so I tried... I realized it ain't easy at all! at the end of the day, when you are sad you still have to cry... no matter how strong you wanted the world to see you, you needed a corner. a hiding place maybe, where no one can see how scared you are over things you know they will never understand why. 

To be able to attract whatever you wanted to attract so you don't have to be that person you hated? I have no idea on "how's" yet, but I will be learning that in time.

One thing is for sure, if attracting positives won't be enough...  everything will work out for the best, holding on is always of good help. When I thought being that "crazy-lazy-future-MD" I used to label myself  became "going-to-be-MD-no-more"  hey, I'm on my way once again, this time I can't be that lazy, maybe still crazy but earned that MD. Thanks God. 

 

When death comes, I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep

I saw all these things coming my way. Something I once desired while I was longing to live quietly…just quietly as quite as it could be for I know to live peacefully is something far beyond this way of life. I said I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep. It is not my loss; never will be. For one good reason, I can never lose something that is not mine… You were never mine, I was never yours—the only certain about the two of us.

There are things that cannot be

Again, allow my honesty to be part of this ranting…

How could these things be possible? I crushed myself into the finest pieces that I could be to mold a brand new self. I exhausted myself running so when I ran out of air, I can breathe new ones.  I dropped thousands and tons of tears not to cleanse my soul but for me to be able to walk burden-free… so to envision life ahead of me. Did I fail? Did I?

I desired for nothing but of your death, by death I mean not to bury you six feet under the ground. I desire not of death alone that could vanish your existence but the downfall of walls we created for a supposed backbone of us, the same walls that imprisoned us for years and eventually walls that separated us.

It's been years we've chosen which side of wall to go--I went on the other side while you stayed--we freed ourselves from the worst that could happen. With that, we are both our own heroes.

Gone are the walls, weakened by time. But the dust blown by the wind as it falls down had stirred up the once forgotten emotion—hate and disgust overpowers us. Perhaps, this is what it takes if you create a wall out of a rotten reality. It all falls back to you. Chances are, you will inhale every dust of it and little by little will suffocate you until you find yourself floating down to the dumps.

Have I really been running away my life? Maybe I was just there on the other side of the wall waiting for it to fall down for me to see how far you have moved. Partly, I was there laughing my ass out to create atmosphere that could fan the flames of pain on your side. Perhaps on one part or another, you did exactly the same thing for me. I do not know.  But I guess that is not how we're playing the game. We actually started to live our own lives and finally we found the right person for each other. 

Well, to my surprise I never imagined this could be hard, irritating in a way--why am I so bothered hearing your wedding bells anyway? I should know, you can't actually stay alone right there. You're weak. 

Things are getting clearer our way, reality just sinks in--we been living our lives without each other anymore.

As the walls had fallen apart I saw the death I been waiting my life.  The superficial pain now on its deepest and I found myself trying to ease the pressure. One thing I could assure myself of, this time there will be no shattering, crushing, running, and crying. I had enough of it.

The death is here…starting to furnish each others disappearance…cleaning up!  a little more dust to sweep along the way…and everything will be good. I believe

Staying young

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land." Peter Pan

 Apart the desire to look young is the eagerness to hold the innocence we once cling into—those days when we believed that life is beautiful. Those days when we never thought that our playground will soon be a battlefield. No one told us of that actually. Everyone has allowed us to enjoy and then soon after the pleasure was the surprises of seeing the unforeseen part of life—Failures, disappointment, and frustrations do exist. It is never easy to chase a dream unlike imagined.

Growing up, at times, is something we wish we can get rid of. There comes a time when we wanted to go back to the unrestricted world we once enjoyed during our childhood days. We sometimes long for those years when we know nothing about fear, when we ask instead of we search for an answer, when the only task that tired us was to arrange our toys in a shelf. Less troubled world. We are free of responsibilities, duties, and obligations. 

Being young also means the ability to solve tough problems because you are not baffled yet by the possibilities of failing. Focus was never an issue back then. Panic was never a part of life.  Thus, younger minds have better ideas. Sadly, some of us somehow lose the ability as we aged, as the roads we took distract us. 

To stay young.  It is the first thing we could ever wish for when our hearts are broken, whenever we are blamed, when we are discourage by life, when we are disappointed by our shattered dream,  and whenever we find ourselves astray amidst of nowhere.

When this kind of time will knock our day, it is not bad to pamper ourselves with everything we loved during our younger years. 
Walk down to the sea shore barefoot to collect shells
Climb a tree and have some time alone like there is no way for you to fall
Dance under the rain like no one cares
Have a break to play
Laugh out loud with old friends
Talk to someone younger than you
Remind yourself on how to laugh, how to make fun, how it feels like to be young. 
Freshen up your mind because there are times when we forget how to laugh.

It is not bad to laugh like a kid. Just set your limitation on how young you would go. What am I talking about? to follow peter pan to Neverland (it's your choice anyway). The idea of flying away to a magical world with Peter Pan is a fantasy of many because everyone wanted to stay young.  Despite my envy to him for he is embracing a world of fun, I never wanted to be like him. He is a man (?!? / a little man?!?)… Whatever! He is someone who did not take on the responsibility of adult life. He is now flying around the never land—no job, have not settle into a relationship, he is watching generations suffer as it comes and go. I wanted some of the things Peter does not want. I want to be one responsible grown-up, I want a job, and I want a relationship. Peter pan might embrace the joy and wonder of being young but has lost sight of the purpose—that part, I do not want to happen in my life.

Well, I do not really want to condemn Peter for what he is right now. Everyone has a purpose and choice. I want to respect them whatever it may be. I have my own and my purpose in life is to grow up and conquer life.

Gone are those days… Peter Pan is not going to fly to my window and will not take me to Never Land. If he will, I'll choose to stay here on my own real world. Here, I can stay adventurous—I can stay young at heart.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning." Peter Pan

Bits and Pieces of me

The top ten list I used to get pleasure from...

 

1.       A comfortable couch and a hot Caramel Macchiato with friends at our favourite Coffee shop

2.       Cold buckets and towers of beer with small talks and loud laughs

3.       Smoke "yosi break" whenever the night became like a crap

4.       A way to say goodbye to a bad hair day—Spend a day at beauty salon to feel good again

5.       Scream or laugh out loud inside a movie house all by myself with a bag of M&M’s and a cup of mango shake (that's my personal choice) 

6.       Night swimming with good friends and even a week at the beach which means sunset and Sunrise everyday

7.       Rant all I can at blogger.com

8.       Road trips and food trips, still with good friends

9.       Greet my friends “Good Morning” via SMS everyday

10.   My beauty rituals—Whitening and slimming products among others

The top ten things above will just be part of my young and free life.

My good bye to all! *sniff* because I’m going to make a new and different list of top ten things to enjoy in no time *wink-wink*

Because I have to walk away

I found myself walking alongside a busy aisle…

Everyday faces having familiar voices…

I seem to be lost in crowd but I am not…

I’m certain with each step that I took…

I know which way to go…

I’m sure of my steps…

I have seen no one to follow…

So I make my own…

I walk as slowly as I could…

Looking intently on all the things around and beside me,

Trying at my very least to identify a single ground

No one talks but I hear voices from all over the place I barely comprehend

Crowded but I feel no one…

So plain…in a simplest form of illusion

I saw one man holding a promise of good life

Once…our paths had crossed…

Our eyes once again meet…

But gone were the smiles once worn…

Meaningless….

And we walk on our own ways without leaving a word…
the silence we just made was empty...

Sometimes walking away speaks it all…

and the footprints could define them...

Short…fast… and shallow breaths…

I walk as many steps as I could…

I seem to be in a search,

in the middle of the crowd…

I don’t have to stay…

I don’t have to wait…

I can't...

I have to live...

I have to walk away…

Happy Monthsary baby!

 “Monthsary” is an occasion commonly celebrated by young and deeply in love couples. 

Today is nothing special, it is not our monthsary... not even tomorrow, and not yesterday.  Monsthsary is out of our way. It’s not because we are no longer young, not that we are not in love with each other, and its not that I am against on celebrating such romantic occasion. 

I simply don’t have the idea “when” to celebrate ours. May be on the 1st? 18th? 19th? 20th? 30th? I really don’t know!

So every month is just an ordinary month. We had no monthsary to remind us how we started. 

Well, I have to admit that our relationship is not as typical as one could expect. I was comfortable being alone when he suddenly came. I am comfortable in the sense that I am enjoying the freedom of being a single woman without having to consider anyone in my everyday way of life—freed from demands of relationship. What else could I ask for? I can do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go, and talk on whatever is felt. 

We somewhat established a no-commitment kind of  a relationship. That was from my point of view, I don’t know from his.For me(at first), he was just  “a romantic companion” nothing is special about that.  By that term you will figure out that we never had the chance to assure ourselves  that we are committed to one another. It is actually my personal choice not to assert that it is not serious. There is a silent rule that governs us: “no-strings attach”  and we are tracking a two way street—that is, we can still make special friends as much as we wanted.Ofcourse it doesnt mean I’m dating someone aside from him. He got my loyalty which I never asked that he could pay me back with the same. He was still free to date someone else. Still fair enough for me.

I am not afraid of commitment, but that was the last thing I needed especially I realized how good it was to be free. Aside from the fact that we are on a freaking ground. People around are all freak about us, and I bet they freaked out when we told them we are having a baby so soon.

Things has changed between us. From being not  we became committed to one another not just because of the baby but also because of the connection we manage to established. However the people around remains the same,I may not hear directly from them but their actions would tell of how disappointed they are for the  two of us. For them I’m just that kind of a woman who has a baby in her tummy that sustains this relationship. That  fact is quite depressing. 

The only special thing we got is the mere fact that we both believe we have each other everyday.

Having no monthsary to celebrate with is not bad after all... Everyday seems to be special.

But then, Happy Monthsary to those who are celebrating today!