Rain

Today is all about rain. 

Another season has just started. Do you think I expect a season of rainy-moments too? My rainy moments usually entails flashbacks of pains and tears. I once thought of it as magical sprinkles that enhances misery—rain can make you sadder than you are. 

It may be raining hard but there is no rainy moment. The Summer days has been so inconsiderate to me (thank goodness it ended) that it heightened my anticipation for rain… rain… and heavy rains. I love the rain today.

Soft music... my bed... and the rain outside... Lovely!

Buhos pa ulan...

Alas dos y media ng madaling araw. Sana man lang ay may kape...

*buntong hininga*
*bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga*
*Sinara ang bintana*
*isa pang buntong hininga* 

Bumuhos ang napakalakas na ulan na para bang wala ng bukas. Bigla kong naisip si "Chedeng" ang bagyong inaasahan at pinaghahandaan ng nakakarami "Andito na kaya sya?". Perosa kabilang banda "Di pala ako sigurado kung kasama sa itinerary nya ang pagdaan dito sa lugar namin". 

*buntong hininga* 
*bumalik sa pagkakahiga*
*Niyakap ang unan*
*pinakinggan ang ulan*
*isa pang buntong hininga habang nakatitig sa nakasarang bintana*

Ang bawat patak ng ulan ay onti-onting nagbukas sa isang pinto kung saan nakahimlay lahat ng mga bagay na pilit kong isinantabi... mga bagay na alam ko sa sarili ko ay nakatakda naman naa maging bahagi na ng aking buhay. Mga pagbabago...  

*buntong hininga*

Patuloy ang pagbuhos ng ulan... dumagsa ang mga katanungang paulit-ulit kong itinatanong sa aking sarili sa kagustuhan ko na sana ay mabago ang sagot.

*Isa pang buntong hininga* 

Tuluyan na ngang nabasag ang katahimikan... 

Source: behance.net via Cristy on Pinterest

To-do-list

It is raining again and I can no longer understand the show I'm watching. So I decided to write down my to-do-list instead of maximizing the volume or sit near the television just to hear.  By the way, I have a lifetime to make this happen. No pressures!

•  Travel alone

Been traveling with friends but what I really planned lately is to travel by myself. My ultimate escapade is to travel like a freeman. I bet this is the time that I could make decision for myself without depending to anyone. The idea that no one else is there around is a good motivation and sooner as I hoped before my travel ends, I will feel and will realize that I am capable of making good decisions. 

• Drive my own car

 

To go anywhere I want to, may it be to work or not. I feel that those women driving their own cars are all self dependent.  I admire them for being such. I want to be one of them in the near future.  Their is a little changes in details of my plan though because this time I want a red one. During my 18th birthday, I told my friend I always wanted a blue car! the very next day he painted a blue sports car, framed it and gave it to me. Sweet friend. 

• Surf the wave at La Union

La Union is one of my target travel destination

A way to learn to go with the flow, I guessed. It is not a good idea to be standing against the odds all the time just to show the world you're different, sometimes we need to blend in, and go where the current goes. A little adjustment will do to survive. Sometimes it will lead us to the right path. 

• Learn foreign language

French and Spanis

To feel how it was again to be like a grade schooler learning the right grammar and pronunciation. Learning foreign  language is exciting. I guess, it is all good to speak not just of native tongue, a rewarding skill to acquire.

• Own a library

My library @ yoville.com

Of course I already had one, I created a library at yoville community. But I wanted a library that is not just created but is built--a real one. I am fascinated by homes with their own library filled with books of all kind. I wanted to have one of my own where I can read anytime I want too.

• Own a beachfront house

 Because life is simply a beach.  I also had one at yoville community worth 34,000 yoville coins :) and I wished beachfront house is also that cheap!!! The mere fact that I love sunset so much inspires me to own one someday :) 

• Engage in sports

A good way to discipline. Although I never been into sports. I only played because of P.E. class, that's all. But since I am no longer a student, I want to learn sports for my own good. Badminton, Lawn Tennis, Golf are on my top list!

• Climb a mountain

Simply because I wanted to conquer  the world. I know climbing a mountain will not do the trick but the feeling is there. My experienced is way back my grade school years during our annual camping. I want to experience a real mountain climb. 

• _____________________

I will intentionally leave this blank. I know I want something but I have no idea what it is!! :) 

Rain

I thought of rain as a magical way of Mother Nature to sprinkle the world with a final touch of sadness to perfect the existing mellow drama.  It is her simplest way of drawing out picture of unwanted memories—the one you tried to suppressed for years.  Why is that sometimes time is not enough to heal. Is the effort to move on not enough or is it the thing that triggers the comeback?  Maybe it is how life goes; even the successful surgery can lead to recurrence of the defect, right?  Nothing is done perfectly. There are things that are meant to be no matter how much you tried to get rid of.

Well! Don’t get me wrong because I can assure everyone that everything was accepted. Only that it is really sad to remember what went before.  I have no intentions to bring up “what if” –it’s not how I feel. It’s a simple look back that made me smile, nod, and give a little sigh.

Maybe it is not meant to be buried because a simple recall like this can bring disappointment—I failed not to remember it! 

Maybe I’ll set things to being "accepted” and I have to remove the word “forget” as part of my journey?  That’s it!

Still… It amazes me how the rain outside disturbed my feelings.  

Boundless Impossibility

Good Morning World!!!

Everyone down here was expecting for a heavy downpour. The surroundings gone dim and the thunder as well as the lightning had scared little kids yesterday. I was actually scared too :) Yet I found no sign that it rain—the streets dry, leaves were still covered with dust. I’m wondering where the rain poured then.

Indeed! The clouds suddenly seem to be a cosy place to stay at today, I can tell. No more thunder, and no more lightening.  Well, I’ll surely have a good view on how things are going on down here if I’m given a chance to stay up there.

I wished I could to loosen up myself—it is certainly a great place to contemplate. But what I got here is a boundless impossibility. I can never have the clouds, I can never soar the sky.

Too bad that I’m starting to believe there is no other place than being in despair—becoming hopeless to an extent that I wanted to be in the clouds to see things clearly.

Since I can not be up there, I guessed I can be contented staying here and feel lucky that I can look up for a promising sunlight that shines through the cottony clouds—after all, there is always beyond everything.

Misunderstood

I am trying to figure out myself what makes my life miserable these past few days.  Those unexplained cause that made me feel like i am being one of the world’s outcast. Perhaps, its the rain that reminds me of the pains I been through, it is my frustration of having a meaningless life—I am extremely saddened and so disappointed with myself today.


I am trying to fix my broken life. I tried so hard but like a broken glass, I never have a chance to patch-up everything. There will always be an empty space, vanished parts and deformities. Life will never be as perfect as the way life before, no matter how hard I tried. There is no way for reinvention. I don't know, but I once believed that wearing a mask will make my life look better. It is the only way I could think of today. I have to hide those scars that marked my dark past.

I feel so down… so ugly… I am so exhausted… and yeah, wasted. I am truly impaired… Am I going to be a doctor or end up again in nowhere for a thousand time already. I hate that destination—a literally known “space” wherein you cant find any single thing around, an empty freedom.

Some people would say “I am just getting frustrated over something I should not”. Then, do you know how it feels to be like CRISTY?

    I am silently struggling to survive, fighting back myself—exactly, my greatest enemy as of now is myself. Do you know then how hard it is for me to contradict everything? I wanted to cry and revenge but I should not. I wanted to die but I should stand firm. My body and mind is becoming weaker each passing day—times that I need silence to convince myself that I have to be strong. It is exactly the abnormality I identified to be Major Depression and not just a feeling of blues and sadness.

This is bad, but all I wanted to do right now is to take revenge. I tried hard to let it go, but I can still hear those insults I got back home. I can still hear myself screaming in pain. And what hurts more is the fact that I been so nice— I been so good… but then they still did those wicked things pushing me to be BAD.

        And the stinging fact perhaps was those moments that I am in tears while they're all in laughter calling me crazy.

        Tell me now, am I really bad to think and feel this way?


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com