Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Time travel: The Teddy bear I used to hurt

My childhood dreams...

When I grew up, I wanted a curly hair like that of “Goldilocks”.

When I grew up, I wanted to become a mermaid and swim the abyss of ocean.

When I grew up, I wanted to own a tree house.

When I grew up, I wanted to live the life of “Richie rich”

When I grew up, I wanted to write and draw as good as my sister. 

When I grew up, I wanted to become strong so I can lift the iron stand and also help my mother with other household chores.

and so on...

But there are two dreams that remain …

When I grew up, I wanted to travel the world.

When I grew up, I wanted to become Doctor Tim. 

I wanted to travel the world.

I can still remember that most of my elementary teachers used to ask us "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or “list the five things you wanted to do when you grow up”. Back then, I always knew what to write. Number one would always be “I want to travel the world” although I can’t stand to ride a jeepney back then because of motion sickness. I remember I even told my mother I wanted to go to Manila, but in one condition. I don’t want a ride. We will just walk! Crazy! Thanks God, motion sickness was long gone to me.

I wanted become a Doctor.

My 20-year old Teddy Bear, my mom got this as her award for being the "dealer of the month" of Tupperware

As I child, jobs such as doctors, lawyers, teachers and engineers are the professions to enter into minds so I've chosen to become a doctor. Mind set. I was also influenced by my mother who works in a district hospital as a nursing attendant. On some afternoons, since the hospital was just a walk away from our home, I was sometimes asked to bring her a dinner. I knew from those afternoons (of inhaling disinfectant, of listening to people cough and children cry, of seeing nurses on station preparing medicine for admitted patients) someday I’ll work as a medical practitioner too.

I’m sorry teddy for doing those to you.

My teddy bear became my first patient at home. I used to make a little cut in its forehead and back then pour in red ink (still stained until now). When the cut appears to be like of a real bloody wound I’ll stitch them using a sewing needle and thread. I sometimes apply lotion and creams too or apply Betadine solution.

I’m a grown up now. I went to medical school after I graduated college but it turns out, it’s not easy. I lose courage. I doubted myself as I study. The more I read, the more I feel I am not geared up.  I was hesitant if I could function effectively in life-and-death situations. I was in doubt if I can handle the responsibility of saving lives.

Little by little I was discouraged by my own fear. My mind burnt out.I became exhausted.

But then again, I knew my dreams. All I really need right now is to gain courage and be back in field.

Bigger and Wider

So... this is me getting bigger and bigger plus wider each passing month...
I got three more months left which actually means more months to gain weight...
Very frustrating...

Almost over with wander-wonder years...

It’s been a good rest… a year of wander-wonder. I went to places where I hope I can find myself then marvel on whether becoming a physician can satisfy my existence. It’s quite a long time. I am also bored; I hoped everyone is aware of that.

I already made my decision on going back to med school the soonest I can but for all we know things had already changed around and within me. My decisions already depend on things beyond my control, not just on my own will unlike before. If my parents are still willing to support my studies then that will be good; If I am capable of becoming a good mother and a good student at the same time then it will be better. 

I am honestly missing the days of pursuing dreams. But if it is not really for me, I am also open to every possibilities life could offer. What really matters for me is to start again which is somewhat complicated to make but at least possible to do.

Bridge

They come and go; some as easily as they can while I can't. Something seems wrong, at least to my concern. The eagerness to uncover the other side is frustrating. 

Distracted

 I am distracted of being a student and being within my parents premises right now.  That's it, I said it right and directly.

I'm on my 24th year of being dependent to them. Oh my… A very frustrating reality; All my friends are out there earning a living while I still depend with  what my parents can offer me. Some of my girl friends are  carrying bags of diapers and baby stuffs, while I am here carrying bags of notes and books. It feels like I had nowhere to go and seems I'm in the middle of nowhere again.

At 24, I got all the disappointments one can get--

bad life…

bad decisions…

Being alienated…

Rocky roads…

Failing memory…

Worst attitude…

And down the line!

Misunderstood

I am trying to figure out myself what makes my life miserable these past few days.  Those unexplained cause that made me feel like i am being one of the world’s outcast. Perhaps, its the rain that reminds me of the pains I been through, it is my frustration of having a meaningless life—I am extremely saddened and so disappointed with myself today.


I am trying to fix my broken life. I tried so hard but like a broken glass, I never have a chance to patch-up everything. There will always be an empty space, vanished parts and deformities. Life will never be as perfect as the way life before, no matter how hard I tried. There is no way for reinvention. I don't know, but I once believed that wearing a mask will make my life look better. It is the only way I could think of today. I have to hide those scars that marked my dark past.

I feel so down… so ugly… I am so exhausted… and yeah, wasted. I am truly impaired… Am I going to be a doctor or end up again in nowhere for a thousand time already. I hate that destination—a literally known “space” wherein you cant find any single thing around, an empty freedom.

Some people would say “I am just getting frustrated over something I should not”. Then, do you know how it feels to be like CRISTY?

    I am silently struggling to survive, fighting back myself—exactly, my greatest enemy as of now is myself. Do you know then how hard it is for me to contradict everything? I wanted to cry and revenge but I should not. I wanted to die but I should stand firm. My body and mind is becoming weaker each passing day—times that I need silence to convince myself that I have to be strong. It is exactly the abnormality I identified to be Major Depression and not just a feeling of blues and sadness.

This is bad, but all I wanted to do right now is to take revenge. I tried hard to let it go, but I can still hear those insults I got back home. I can still hear myself screaming in pain. And what hurts more is the fact that I been so nice— I been so good… but then they still did those wicked things pushing me to be BAD.

        And the stinging fact perhaps was those moments that I am in tears while they're all in laughter calling me crazy.

        Tell me now, am I really bad to think and feel this way?


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com