Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

A boy?... A girl?...

I’m eleven days earlier my appointment.

My non-productive cough got on the nerves of my mother that prompted “her” to consult me to a doctor. So to make the consultation story short, the doctor advised me to just rinse my throat with a saline solution since she found no significant findings upon auscultation—that cost me 250php already.

At least my visit served my prenatal-check as well which mean I don’t have to come back in the next two weeks anymore as scheduled. So! I am now weighing 60 kilograms and my fundal height measures 19cm. The doctor said it seems I was the only one gaining weight, not my baby. According her, I may be adequate on size but I don’t fit with the average 27-week old pregnant. I don’t really understand her. She always comes with “but’s and then’s” and after that will eventually tell me “You’re doing good, there is nothing to worry about”. I think I’ll never have a chance to like her.

In any way, I’m still looking forward to pay her a visit next month. I’m counting down the days! It’s because next month will be the month that I am going to know my baby’s gender. Cheers for that!!! Two out of ten people I know said I’m having a boy; the rest believed it’s a girl. Let us wait until next month then.

I am excited at the same time scared. Why? It’s because all this time I was bothered by the possibility of my baby to have some structural deformities.  I never knew, I never seen my baby developed…all I know is that my baby is alive and kicking. Is that enough?

Until next month… I'm praying for my baby’s good health. 

Almost over with wander-wonder years...

It’s been a good rest… a year of wander-wonder. I went to places where I hope I can find myself then marvel on whether becoming a physician can satisfy my existence. It’s quite a long time. I am also bored; I hoped everyone is aware of that.

I already made my decision on going back to med school the soonest I can but for all we know things had already changed around and within me. My decisions already depend on things beyond my control, not just on my own will unlike before. If my parents are still willing to support my studies then that will be good; If I am capable of becoming a good mother and a good student at the same time then it will be better. 

I am honestly missing the days of pursuing dreams. But if it is not really for me, I am also open to every possibilities life could offer. What really matters for me is to start again which is somewhat complicated to make but at least possible to do.

~99 days left

Today is good, much better than the previous. 

I’m not happy but at least I have no reason to feel sad. Well, there is actually… I rather choose not to be. 

My distress lies on whether if I can deliver my child normally. In which I am quite confident that I can although chances are… I have no idea what exactly will happen to me in the next three months.*crossed-fingers* (Prayers for good things along our journey)

I'm spending my days doing nothing here inside my four-sided room (aside from chatting with online buddies in the hope to free myself from boredom) while my partner on the other side of the world does everything that he can to earn a little for our expenses. Pleaded guilty for this but there is nothing I can do anyway, I can’t insist myself to make money as much as I wanted to help. 

We worry if we can afford to pay hospital bills and if we can provide our baby’s needs. I guess this is what it takes when you’re not prepared. Surprise! But instead of feeling sad I’m trying to convince myself everything will just be fine and will set the way we wanted. I know we can. We’re not geared up but that doesn’t mean we should feel bad  and regret. 

It is worth worrying... worth waiting... worth everything...

Everything is good.

 

Today I prayed for Success, Wisdom, Strength, and Forgiveness

I thought the street of South Luzon Express way becomes blurry as it rains outside. But its not a heavy rain, not even enough to moist the ground dried by the summer sun so I put my eye glasses on to get rid of the fuzzy sight.

My eyeglasses were not enough to restrain me from the flash-back of memories that started to occupy my crazy-invisible-world that made the whole picture out of my sight. I almost drowned to nowhere but our lil' chitchat of being a Beta Sigma Fraternity somehow spoiled another oddness of having a teary-eyed in a middle of a funny conversation.

We are heading to Nagcarlan, Laguna to pray. Seriously, this is not an ordinary road trip we used to have. Unlike the usual, I was hesitant to go. Its not because I'm sleepy though I am sleep-deprived but because I'm scared that this can be another invitation for an extra disappointment. And I heard myself saying "dare to dare" many times before I decided to get out of the bed to prepare. Yes! Dare to dare. I dare to stand up and face this uncertain world, to say a word of prayer, to hope that there is still life behind this darkness, to wait for an answer, to have faith in Him.

As I enter the Church of San Bartolome at Nagcarlan, Laguna my heart seems to melt. The first thing I prayed was "Lord, I am so sorry, please forgive me" an instinct, I guess. That instead of kneeling down and pray for our promotion so we can all wear a white shoes and attend to a patient on April 1st, I felt how bad a sinner I am. I feel like being punished because of my bad choices. Everything seems a penalty that I can't argue with. I pleaded guilty and accepted that everything around is meant to be. I forgot to pray for my personal intention.

Our Next stop was at Liliw Church, still part of Laguna. There, we found an area for meditation where believers can lit a candle. The colors of each candles in a drawer have a deep meaning: Pink for success, violet for forgiveness, green for good health, white for holiness, yellow for family, blue for wisdom, and red for strength.

With all my sincerity, I picked pink, blue, red and finally, the violet.

SUCCESS. I prayed that my choice of becoming a good physician someday is not a part of my mistake. *teary eye*. It hurts. Oh my God, I really hope this is meant for me but if it's not then I should be preparing myself for a tragedy to happen. Nothing is certain, I can't tell. I always believe there is always something for anyone of us. Roads will differ from one traveler to another. And now, despite of feeling lost I still believe I'll find a way to the right path. (NO, I honestly want to believe I'm walking on the right path.)

WISDOM. I asked for Wisdom that I may distinguish what is right from wrong. It's a prayer that I can develop the power to think outside the box. In my journey, I tend to be that traveler who thinks she is always right all the time and being corrected is not an option.  Its all about me or the world against me.

STRENGTH. I asked for strength and courage so I may accept pain and failure as part of life. To understand my life is real and this is not a dream. That my prayer to bring me back to reality should not be ask anymore because I am already in my real world.I am not Cristy in Wonderland and I need strength to accept this fact.

And finally, I asked for FORGIVENESS. I prayed to be forgiven. I can think of nothing else to attain a peace of mind but to ask for forgiveness. But I do understand I was sinned fully thus I'll wait for the right time. I wished to wake up one morning conscience-free and  can look at everybody's eye directly. It's been a long time that I started to run away from people I used to be with because of guilt feeling. It scares to be confronted with reality. I am not yet ready to be bombarded with questions, if there is, because I'm still on my search for an answer.

I also should be praying for anyone else, for my family, good health, people, countrymen. I should have pick all the candles in that drawer and pray for all. But forgive me for I'm taking new steps one at a time. Allow me first to be forgiven, have a peace of mind and be free of rage.

Let me shed tears to lessen my burden. Allow me to be myself--lonely and empty. I'll be fine in no time. Each pain is a step closer to Him.

God be with our journey.

My special thanks to Sis Aicee and Brod Lom :) for making  the rest of the day fun.

For I am Lost

I don’t know about tomorrow and I admit that I have no idea about what is going on right now. My desire to stay disconnected had gone too far.

The path that I took is not worthy as I expected. I thought I'd be fine.

I don’t want to think I'm tracking the wrong path because I found no other road other than this one on my way here or I was just blinded by worldly pleasures, I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that I became irresponsible in choosing this kind of route.

I lost my directions and it's getting darker here. I brought no light to guide my way. I tried to figured out myself how to go back where I came from but I guess I had traveled more than I should. I can no longer trace my way home. I'm heading to nowhere and I don’t have strength to make another step.

God, please give me strength.

Prayer of One Who Travels

The road of life is rugged and rough.
I am afraid and tired to go on.
Take me, Lord, and let me pass through.

The road is dark and dangerous.
I have no courage and very much
   disappointed.
Hold me, Lord, and let me reach my goal.

The road seems endless and no result
   is in sight.
I lose hope and get discouraged.
Assist me. Lord, and let me do
   what is right.

The road makes my body tired,
    my load heavy
    my patience thin
    my mind weary
    my waiting irritating.
But when You walk with me, Lord
    everything becomes light
    my strength renewed
    my mind refreshed
    my waiting exciting
It is only so when You travel with me.

The road might make me lose the way,
or it might bring some misfortunes.
But walk with me, Lord,
    and I shall have peace of mind.
And more so, I will be free
    from any harm.

The road might lead me to the
    uncertainty of my destination.
I am nervous of what the outcome
   will be.
But walk with me, Lord, and everything
    will be pleasant
and I can progress and even reap
   some success.

Take me with You, Lord,
    in this road of life
and lead me to heaven above.
Travel with me, Lord,
    so I can take the only road
    that will lead me back to You.
Walk with me, Lord,
    that I may know the way to You.

AMEN.

(Prayer Text by Fr. Ruperto Santos, STI)

Christian Physician

Our Christian Physician class today was really worth listening to. I really love it and I’ll love it more if we can have it every week…(I am looking forward for our second and unfortunately also the last meeting in the next 2 weeks)
what I appreciated most was…everything actually. It was not a “nice to know huh”—it is actually “ay, oo nga ano!” kind of realization.
Sir Don had cleared to us what it meant to be a physician soon (it is not a joke, this is serious

)—the mission of a Doctor… duty and obligation… values… character…the physician as a healer, an acting priest, a concern citizen, we are never an agent of death, we shouldn’t —we are supposed to prolonged life and see to it our patient is healthy not just physically but as well as spiritually, and emotionally.
"Truth" oftentimes hit us that's why it hurts, Sir Don talked about simple truth today that is common around—those neglected everday actions that can actually bring about great changes in life and will lead us either to somewhere or to nowhere…
Good thing about the revelations of Sir Don was that it is not a hit and run ideas… it hit us (personally I am guilty) but it leaves a mark so we can reflect on it and hoping to correct them in the near future. We are all human; we can’t correct things over night. (oi, defensive)
He differentiated what is moral from legal, defined the law of divine creature and the law made by human… tackled about vocation as a calling, and made us realized that a profession is not just a career for monetary purposes but as an commitment… to become a medical doctor because of our desire of what we are going to be soon in our life and not because of what are going to have. The 3H—the head (intellectual), heart and the hand (we need to reach out). He then talked about marriage and selfishness of love—and I thought it was a pretty familiar subject, all you need is a common sense to resolve the worst part of it, but hearing from him, it is actually not…it was a long love story but the bottom line is that—in everything we do, God needs to be there. There is no private matter with God. We can never run away from him—we should not.
  I should have recorded everything he said; the topic was serious enough for us to understand our pending responsibility in the humanity. And I personally made some reflections out of it and made lots of realization.
That's it, in that short lecture (7hrs)... I learned a lot...and I'm learning still...
Seriously aside,  the class was funny somehow… well, that made it more interesting kasi di ako inantok. I don't want to miss a single point in his lecture. That’s new anyway, I listened very well and the class ended without me checking the time. Wala talagang count down na nangyari, ang saya...

If only all doctors give lecture like him, I’ll learn a lot…(kidding) I know, as he said, the topic was not as demanding compared to Physiology, anatomy, biochemistry and blahblahblah where you need extra effort (four folds perhaps) to understand them better. But the topic has a lifetime effect on us, and accordingly, we’ll appreciate the subject truly later in our life. The class Christian Physician is like talking and chatting to a friend… or feeling close lang talaga kami kaya we all feel comfortable sitting there, listen and laughing out loud with his nabenta-ng-jokes… hehehe some were new to me, and even if not… I still found them funny!

my girls and I after the lecture

:)

Originally posted at: cristymay.multiply.com