October 30, 2010

My Weakness becoming my strength

Behind the strength I Impart is a weak spirit that set in so I can carry on. I am not strong, but I'm struggling to be—giving all the best that I can so I can survive. The changes of becoming and unbecoming might be subtle. There are moment’s gone unnoticed, pain being ignored, and tears kept to solitude. I am the picture of pretension, I may be, and yes I am.

Things are manage differently in the hope to discover something to fill the missing links—at the very least not to make another one. But then, things remained disconnected.

I search endlessly thus this journey exhausts me. Each morning comes with a question, as if the chirps of the little birds outside my window are there to remind that I still got no answer until this time. I should have it by now. Ignorance is always the most exhausting part of this journey--the "not knowing part of life"

Despite this melodramatic series I stayed to show the world that I am good. The sadness within me will motivate me to search for a happy walk, my weakness for my search of strength and my pain to seek for a restore.

This journey is yet to end. There are a lot to be done, truths to be told, and dilemmas to surpass.   Unending it maybe, round and round it will always go but this long route I took will someday make me feel being rewarded.  

October 19, 2010

Can't run

As early as five in the morning today, I walk down the road heading myself to Olivares plaza where I took my ride home from an overnight friend visit. The road was busy as it  is always, the only thing that was new to my senses was the cold air that I breathed—one unpleasant morning walk representing my life. I’m aspiring for comfort at the end of this journey.  
What am I here for anyway? I pushed everyone away out of my life. I decided to live my life on my own and now bothered with realization that I had no other reason why I'm living my life. All I know is that I needed to survive, for whatever reason it may be... I also hope to know.

I'm having one of those days when crying makes me feel better as if it washes pain away. Pain that in reality is insignificant.  How can I consider myself being empty when I feel like exploding? 
When things confused me this way—I wished I could run away. I am thinking of going out of town. Travel alone and come back when I feel good and when everything is clear. This time though, I can’t do things in an instant. I have my obligations and of course I’m broke!

October 11, 2010

From pieces into pieces....

One thousand and twenty two days passed by. I can’t remember how it was. I can no longer feel the pain… half of the misery is gone. I’m alive. I survived. I journey along with this unspeakable story. Half untold and some part was considered to be true by some for I once live my life two-faced to appear good because I simply needed to. I settled hoping that someday I could find a good reason. Reasons that will make me appreciate my existence.

I departed from this life many times. One chapter from another—always hoping to have a good start but never ended as desired. I’ve been through to a lot of humiliation almost with the same old reasons. From pieces into pieces, I am—I was never mended and never been fixed. Broken identity I used to have and will always is. This is my story—the story I hated most.

One thousand and twenty two days counting to one thousand and twenty three in two hours. I was reminded by everything there was. One thing I realized is that the feeling of confusion lingered all this time. The hatred, the blame, and the regrets I had, and the forgiveness I longed is still with me. I want to be forgiven… I always wanted to forgive but then again I hate, I blame, and top of this I never learned to accept my failure.

I started a new chapter hoping to forget the other. In my hope that I could correct whatever is to be corrected from the previous. The major mistake I ever made. Until this time, I admit that I am not ready thus created conflicts one after another.

Someday, that early chapter of my life will end peacefully.

October 9, 2010

Taking a pass...

"...So if you are repeatedly encountering obstacles when trying ....to achieve a goal, or finish a project, today you should consider just taking a pass. Stop banging your head against that brick wall..."
I am always stunned when people bombard me with questions like I needed to explain my life to them. Is it really my obligation to explain publicly? To tell the whole world about what is going on, what happened and what are the possibilities in my life? All I really want is a good start, this may be impossible to do, but as much as I can I wanted to be very discrete about my private life. I live mine; you live yours… and let us just meet along whenever we have something in common to talk about—but to question my ways is out of every body’s business.
If obliged, then my answer would be very simple…I'm here because I learned how to pause for awhile. I realized that we are allowed to take some rest. I learned that each time the road of life gone dark you don’t have to force yourself to go on with the journey.  Life is not a dash. I know how it feels to be exhausted and I know exactly how disappointing it is to fail after a try—when you struggled to do things half-hearted due to exhaustion. It’s a big NO to continue committing when you’re not interested anymore. It’s not bad to change plans, life is not certain and you can’t too. What matters most is how you deal with the changes.  
I learned that a relax mind is very effective to see things clearly. We don’t have to feel the rocky road and make a painful adventure… we have our mind so we can understand things and eyes so we cans see things coming our way—dark road makes a tiring journey. There are brighter roads, choose the right one. 

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