June 11, 2007

The saddest Journey

A Story of complete change that are happening in one’s life… that every step is a stepping stone… that sunshine and rain will make a beautiful rainbow someday…my simple principle in life… but I lose grip of the reality and… I fail to remember my belief…
        My short trip to Baguio is not as happy as one would expect. An anticipating vacation gift from my parents supposedly… I longed to the visit the place since I was young but then, I hate to remember the reason why should they grant me my wished— I am there to unwind and not to have a good time… perhaps, I deserve a space for myself. I need to refresh my mind and regain my strength for I feel so weak and I feel nothing...because nothing was left for me.
It was the shortest trip of my life I assumed…ten hours of travel… A short trip to review every single step I did in my life…to weigh everything, separate good from bad… to evaluate my mistakes and truthful acts…what went wrong, what really happened…is it my fault? What happened to my sacrifices? Did I really sacrifice? Time is not enough to assess everything. I did a lot of things to fill my life yet I feel so empty…
            At the airport, I did remember the last time I was there waiting for my 10am flight to Manila… I am so excited then for someone was waiting for me at the domestic airport… and now? No one is waiting for my arrival… yes; I am missing the good times… I always did miss the good times and longed for it to happen once again.
        The beauty of nature never compensates my emptiness… I feel myself breathing; I can feel the warmth of my own touch… I am alive yet I can feel that my soul is dying… I am indeed dying emotionally… this is what real death means for me… this is the one I been telling everyone—the real meaning of death.
            I keep asking myself “why” but for my own good, I tried to convince that everything is real. I am not dreaming. And yes… I am on my saddest trip going to Baguio city.
        My tears simply fall down as I remember the love birds at home on a little cage… and honestly, I remember someone else. It was like once our happy life that I thought would last forever yet ended so soon…so soon that I didn’t even have the chance to notice it... so soon that we never had the chance to patch things up…so soon that I was left behind without any explanation. I never hear any word to clear thing up…it was us on our own little world, contented and seems so happy—I assumed… No one is around except the two of us. We tried to fill each others empty spaces. And I thought that would make us survive. The next day, the two birds died… so as our story ended in a tragic way. Why tragic—simply that we never got the chance to live our lives together freely. We never got the chance to patch things up together… we never got the chance to live and use our wings… today, people thought of me as a free woman… that was a funny thought because I am never free. My soul is nowhere to find.
And our dreams… the assurance was there… he assured me that we are going to pursue our dreams… but to materialize it together—that is what I don’t know…
            My friend asked me “Cris, is that really you talking?” yes my friend, this is the weakest fighter they ever meet. A fighter who is always ready to fight for others but doesn’t know how to fight for her own justice? Where is the strong woman they know? She became weak that the can no longer recognize her. Everybody is insulting me yet they never heard any single word. I accepted everything; I allowed them to crush my life into tiny pieces. And the man I expected to fight for me said no word and assured me I am nothing for him. And where are the promises—a broken vow? Can it vanish in just a week or two? I can’t believe it was happening yet reality is slapping me. It was painful but it scares me. My life is trembling and I have no one to hold on to. He fooled me—but stupid I am for not believing it—it was not him but it was him who said it... it was him who said he love me and the next day it was still him who said he don’t need me anymore. The sweetest word he utter—he don’t need me… but I still, to tell you frankly, I am still living my life for him. If someday he needs me, I assure him I here for him— who loves him for the rest of my life.
        I went to Mines View, the place was amazing but it never amazed me. The nature was perfect to behold but I am holding something else in my heart—a burden. I saw a message from a little souvenir item “the sweetest revenge is to forgive”. I forwarded the message right away to all my friends and added “too bad I am not sweet”… hmmm am I not really sweet or I still found no reason to hate him that is why there is nothing to forgive. After all those bad words they commented on me…
        I was so excited to enter the butterfly sanctuary and it somehow surprised me not to find one. I searched the whole place and all the while I thought that old man was just fooling me. I tried to enjoy the place though for me I am just isolating myself inside a butterfly net when there is a wide wooded area to explore outside. Pines are great and it creates a very peaceful atmosphere—the place I needed most that very moment. As I walk around in a hope to see a beautiful species of butterfly but all I saw was a black form… I hated it. I expected to see a good species of butterfly yet there was none. Still, I searched and look… still, all I found was a black butterfly. When I decided to rest on a little bench, a little tiny butterfly came near me… it reminds me of a funny chain text message regarding how to catch a butterfly. It was lovely, I let it stay in my palm and enjoy its presence. It was my first time to touch a real butterfly so you could imagine the excitement I felt that moment. The eagerness to touch and hold his wing was there, but it scares me for I might break its wings… now I understand very well that holding someone too tight wont make him grow like and be the best of what he can be. But I am sarcastic if I deny now that it made me feel better for letting my love go...for allowing him to abandon me that easy. It was not easy giving away what you got to a complete stranger… I never meant to be selfish… but only if he promised me he will be love by somebody as much as I love and care for him, then, I will let him flew away... And I almost cry to let it go. It reminds me of someone I let go. But it is not mine so the butterfly must fly. Few minutes later, I saw the same butterfly in the hands of a Korean lady, who is almost pressing its wings… I wanted to tell her not to harm that poor butterfly, but do I have any right to say so when the care taker of the sanctuary is around yet tell nothing? If it was mine, I will, but it is not… when I surrendered I asked them nothing but to take care of my most precious jewel. And if they can’t, bring it back to me. No one hears my cry, no one bothered to hear my words.
        I then went to a cemetery of negativism at Camp John Hay—my friend recommended me to look for such a cemetery when she found out the real reason of my trip. Those simple messages on the tombstones somehow are a relief for me… I don’t want to be like them. I have to live my life, struggle and fight for it… it was mentioned that the negativism is just self imposed. Partly, it was true. It is all in our mind and our heart is not a part of it. As I live the hill, I told myself I am leaving everything in that place…including my pains in life, my love—I am leaving him, my stupidity, and my insecurities in life… I step out the cemetery with a smile and went to a secret garden at the back of the Bell House. I was alone exploring the beauty of nature. I am enjoying, I now feel my stomach is starving, it’s been weeks that I never crave for food, I feel pain when I pinch myself, hey! I am alive. I smiled again… but not too long… the quite atmosphere of the place made me realized that I am alone. No one is there beside me… not to comfort me but no one is there to share my happiness, my joy in realizing a great reality. I love to share the happiness I felt that moment to someone dear to me… but he is gone… I buried him in that cemetery yet his spirit still lingers.
        And what do you think is my greatest regret today? For loving him so much and living with his memories today despite of the abandonment he did to me? I still love him today. I sacrificed my personal dreams for our future plans? For believing his promises and being left wondering why? For believing we will grow old together and live as husband and wife till death do us part? For allowing his family members to step over and crush me into bits of pieces? For allowing him to hurt me? For forgiving him after he lied to me and cheated me?—for telling him I will wait for him forever and he will be love by me as long as I am alive? For keeping all my words that I really do love him yesterday, today, and perhaps tomorrow, for keeping my promises that I’ll take care of him as long as I can?
    And my pains? It feels bad being left behind especially when you thought everything is right but the next day he’ll confess he is with someone else. It was confusing when weeks before he had given you a ring and told you he can’t live without you… it was hard to believe when the last night you talk he had promise you to comeback because he love you but he never did. He’s gone without explaining why…
        It’s hard… other people laugh at you and will judge you badly. Tell you your nothing when in fact they never know you at all… perhaps I am nothing because they took everything away from me.
        I prayed for knowledge and wisdom today that I may understand and accept reality. I prayed to stand up and fix my broken life. And if God will someday hear me, I prayed not to step and crash anyone’s life like what they did to me.
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