March 30, 2010

closing eyes...

I apt to dwell in the dark and let the nightmare play as if I had no other choice but to scare myself and make a creepy ghost out of my existence.
I was shattered into pieces and turned into dust til my being is no longer visible and my essence gone.
I felt alone in a middle of the crowd.
And if closing one's eyes is a way that could prevent from sinking to abyss of melancholy then I would close mine.
Yet I learned that the more I face the world blindly, the darker my world becomes , and the greater my chances of falling apart into pieces.

March 29, 2010

Wave




Life is easy. Only when the universe conspire to make it a trouble-free. But what if the world will make a sudden twist and will rather turn the other way around?  Nothing is certain and to live happily ever after can never be assured otherwise can never be a reality. Life is not a fairy tale and to be sprinkled with a fairy dust is something ridiculous to wait for. Although at times, to wait in vain becomes a part of hoping.

From time to time I found myself wondering if being miserable is an option that one chooses to have or it is something that is destined to an ill-fated individual, something one can't get rid of.  My thought over the issue, no matter how hard I contemplate will always still end up with a question mark because it is something I barely comprehend. Now instead of making it more complicated I sometime mull over on how will my question be a statement--and it is where the trouble begun, making the adventure of thinking unbearable and turning the sincerity of contemplation bore to death.

Nothing could come between the pleasures brought about by sitting in a shore to watch the horizon while having chit-chat with old good friends. We burst out with laughter although the surrounding seems to be in wrath.  I feel the cold wind blow so hard. The wind somehow annoys me as it tangles my hair and brings them in front to cover my face and pricks my eyes. It started to rain slightly yet we stayed and made more fun out of it.  I am not sure if a storm is coming or it’s because the sun had set in already. The weather will not matter in any way as long as fun is around. This is being opportunistic though, taking chances to hear myself laughing out loud.

In one point or another I can't resist giving in to the beauty of the coconut trees as it sways along with the blow of the wind.  I can hear the roaring waves while hitting the old port from the distance and it sounds like a beautiful music to me.  I wished to be carried by the wind and fly around the trees nearby and dance with them-- it is indeed a heart melting moment, an overwhelming one. I came to realized that the anger shown by the whole environment is not as bad as it portrays.

One good realization to end the day, that no matter how bad life represents itself, its intention is not as it is. There is a beauty behind to be discovered. Beyond the rumbling and roaring sound of a mad life, there is a fine music waiting to air.

March 28, 2010

A little bit of something on my 11th day


People come and go; often times its just because of natural death where one, happy or not, had no other choice but to leave behind the weary world, some people were lucky enough to travel around, some decided to migrate, some had given up their life, some had settled down to have their own families-- perhaps, they're the chosen few who was lucky to grabbed hold of  a moving world.

 Although, it is now unnecessary to make another drama because life is happier today (but still I want to tell the world this is what I feel) that I was one of the undefined--trapped in a place where no one knows it existed and where uncertainty is the only thing that keeps us moving. I'm in my own world.

Life is becoming more depressing each passing day. An overwhelming surprises happens anywhere and everywhere at any times. Surprises that sometimes gives meaning to an otherwise worn out existence. Little revelation that brought about light that could lead the way… surprises that sometimes came along like a strong wind that blows out the light until sadness govern the day.

this is life and its uncertainty...

March 20, 2010

To stop is not to quit


To stop is not to quit. 

Sometimes to stop is to start a new life.

I decided to stay where there is awareness of how each and everyone live. I desire to live fairly and accordingly, and not to go with the waves and surf the meanness of the unjust existence. If life is really a game, I deserved a fair one because I'm playing it fair and square. 

Without a doubt, this world got a life of dealers; unfortunately, sometimes negotiations and arrangement for survival is quite necessary even if it will took  a life. And I cant live mine with such. I will be happy living no matter how simple my life will be as long as I'm not stepping on anyone's dream. Often times, survival of the fittest is no longer an issue because not everyone survived fits. Reality speaks.

Yes! I decided to stop and leave the place I thought could provide a strong  foundation for my dream. But this is not about quitting though.  I may not be coming back for  I was given enough reason to leave and I was pushed to my limit. It is an overwhelming relief. I don’t know why but it feels like I'm being released from imprisonment the moment I was told that I am not going back anymore.

I can feel the breeze, and I can breathe. 
It may appear to be quitting for some, or justifying my failure but this is my way to start a new and a fair life.
 
A! freedom, I got you! I'll be holding you so tightly, as tight as I could so you wont slip away.

"Tito Choy"


(March 18, 2010 7:37 PM)

"Don’t talk to strangers", whatever rule they’re calling it—golden or not—I don’t care.  For me, one of the most important lessons I can learn in life will come from strangers—particularly those people I can discuss topics of everything under the sun for a moment or two. It is my innate nature to talk to strangers. During my college years for instance, I used to exchange stories with a bus driver or with a bus conductor. I love my experienced. I can’t remember their names after the acquaintance, but their ideas on how to live and how they appreciated life is awe-inspiring—lesson learned from them lingers. That's why riding a bus or going to different places is never boring because I can surely meet a lot of people that could inspire me. The story of their lives is an extraordinary inspiration. They were great people from all walks of life. Talking to them is better than talking to a professional who talks about his unending wants in life.

A thirty-something man in corporate attire that seems to be in a hurry had managed to stop walking and offered help to carry my baggage. I smiled and bowed my head a little to say how thankful I am for his kindness. I have two reasons for my refusal. First and foremost, because I have to consider him being a busy man—every second counts. Secondly, I have to be vigilant no matter how I love talking to strangers. I'm at Metropolis outside Alabang Star Mall carrying a baggage that weighed 18.5 kilos! I hate to think that walking in that place alone with some personal belongings is quite risky. I was told that it is one of the places where snatching of cell phones and bags as well as stealing is rampant in the face of the traffic enforcers as well as police officers standing at every corner of the place.

Another young tourist smiled and offered help sincerely, even without stopping. Although I know he is just trying to show off, well it is better than showing no kindness at all. You know people when they're just one of the strangers. They're too good to smile at others and can offer help. And since I'm one of the strangers right there, I smiled back! This is one of the good things of being one of us—because we know nothing about the place and the danger it can bring us—innocence can make us believe that there is a wonderful place left. That we can still live the day with no doubts. Isn’t it amazing to be a stranger?

Later than that, as I tried to negotiate with the taxi drivers for a lower fare going to domestic airport I met Tito Choy. I had 2 hours left, and whether he will give in or not to my offer, I had no choice but to take his cab. At first, I thought of him taking advantage of my need but I tried not to spoil the moment. I had a lot of things to think upon. I don’t want to be distracted by shallow arguments.

He started the conversation; he talked about parenting, his dreams in life, and contentment. We both exchanged ideas and before I knew it, we arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my departure. I forgot how irritated I was to him prior to our conversation. Before I closed the door he called my name at once and said, “I bet you’ll be the best, you take good care of yourself”. Whatever impression I gave him, I hoped he had read it right.

In the waiting area after I had checked in, I bought 2 pieces of brownies and a bottle of water for myself. I realized I haven't eaten anything for the past 30 hours. I can feel and I can hear my tummy grumbles during that moment. I lost my appetite, even the brownies taste like it’s already a month-old or two but it is not. I seated in a back row waiting for boarding time although there were vacant seats near the television so I can be entertained. I stayed away. I don’t think the programs will suffice the emptiness that I’m feeling. I am as well nervous to see my parents that I’m planning not to get in the plane. I put in my sweater trying to comfort myself—my hands were cold and my body trembled. I wanted to run away, live in a certain place where I can be surrounded by strangers. I wanted to be forgotten by everyone who knew me—and if I can, to go unseen.

The moment I buckled up my seat belt my tears rolled down my cheeks like there were no other passengers and flight attendance around me. I can’t stand firm. I'm going home because I failed. My cry tells a thousand words I cannot speak of. How I long to be held close by my parents and be cuddled like a baby—I am scared though and felt unworthy of my longings. But then again, I heard the voice of Tito Choy from nowhere that there is always an unconditional love of a parent no matter how disappointed they may be. All that I’m hearing was his voice and his understanding. I wished I could talk to my parents the way I talked to him; maybe they too will understand and will advise the same thing.

 I haven’t had the chance to embrace my parents as tight as I wanted to and perhaps like I needed… but the mere fact that they were there waiting for me outside the Kalibo airport is enough.

I’m home. Not as sweet as one may expect but it is.

While The World is Moving Around

I may not know where to stand right now because every place I went on seem to be occupied with "expectations".


I'll be right here for a moment, standing motionless in the midst a moving world. I resolved to do better, thus I am staying for a little while to see how the world moves and learn from it.  I'll be taking advantage on where I am right now.


I may not show up moving along with others right now. Maybe because I cant or I just don't want. No one knows and no one will. Everything will remain untold.


My life, my story, my failure, my success will  become "another story". Pieces of information will be gathered by some, but I'm not letting go of the important part, I'm holding on to the one that could complete my own story because I'll be completing it myself.

I don’t intend to be a mystery to anyone close to me. I just want to live my life on my own happy way and that's beyond everybody's expectations. A little of a practicality and bits of pretension can't bring me to where I wanted--I tried but I was brought to nowhere instead. I can assure myself with that.

Sooner or later, I'll be moving along the crowd too.

March 18, 2010

Going home...

I hardly believe I'm going home today. My bags are ready, all packed up in one corner. But I am not, I'm sitting on a floor trying to hold my tears while my eyes on  my baggage, yeah! and I'm trying to talk to myself again as I write here. what I feel right now can be likened to a death of someone close to my heart,*nod* but lesser than that I supposed.  I thought of going home long before the result of the promotion board came out and I was anticipating then that I'm not gonna make it to the list but I never thought of it this hard. I guessed, it's my hope that fails me. oh! disappointments seems to be everywhere. I'm praying to wake up one day free of rage because I'm really mad right now.

I'm going home, and I guess...there is a long and winding road that awaits me.

March 17, 2010

Puting Elepante

"Alam mo ba kung bakit may white elephant dyan?" tanong nya sakin habang tinuturo ang isang larawan ng mag-inang elepante na nakapicture frame. Napalingon naman ako para lang tingnan kahit parang ayaw ko ng sakyan ang mga analogy nya, di na ako interesadong malaman pa. Ngangalahating oras na rin kasi akong nakaupo sa loob ng opisina nya. Pakialam ko naman kasi sa elepanteng yan, oo maganda ang frame at aristic ang larawan, mother and child  elephant version kaya ang tinutukoy nya? a hindi ko alam. Sasagot sana akong "SB" ba yan, pero for sure di naman nya gets un.

Go to fullsize image
"sana white elephant na lang ako"
Pero di nagtagal dahil sa sobrang tahimik sa loob ng  maliit na opisinang yon, tinanong ko na rin sya kung bakit may puting elepante sa opisina nya.

"Yan, para lang project ng gobyerno natin yan".

Ah naisip ko, baka galing sa politika, pero bakit picture frame lang? Grabe, ang babaw ko na talaga mag isip, naramdaman ko talaga ang kababawan ko sa mga oras na yon. Parang ang bigat bigat ng ulo ko at napapatungo na lang ako, utak ko ba ung mabigat?... panay hangin na utak. Hangin gustong sumingaw, may namumuong pressure. Butasan ko kaya ulo ko. Hay, daming kabaliwan naiisip ko.  Mga walang kwentang bagay sa mundo ang bumibisita sa utak ko. Mabalik tayo, marami naman akong nakikitang furniture na elephant sa mga bahay-bahay, siguro Good luck yan ni doc d2 sa office nya! ayon! isa pang kababawan yon, biru mo at naiisip ko mga ganong bagay.

"Wala namang white elephant, di ba?", dagdag pa nya.  Oo nga ano, natauhan ako sa follow up question nya, mukhang seryoso siya sa gusto nyang sabihin sa akin. Handa naman akong makinig, parang ayaw ko na ngang lumabas ng opisinang yon, di ko na din kasi alam kung saan ako pupunta pagkatapos ng pag-uusap na namin.

"kasi parang proyekto ng gobyerno yan, WALANG LAMAN, PAKITANG TAO LANG YAN". Ang nasabi ko lang "Sana elephant na lang ako". At sumang ayon naman sya sa hinangad ko, tumango lang sya.

Katahimikan. nakakabining katahimikan habang nakikita ko ang mga kaklase ko na nagtatawan sa labas ng silid na yon. Ang galing nga e, wala akong naririnig na kahit ano, nabingi na yta ako sa pangyayari.

"Alam mo, pareho tau, nakikita ko nga ang sarili ko sau e... balang araw alam ko magiging ikaw ung ako ngayon kasi ako noon? parang ikaw ngayon!. tawa lang ako sa sinabi nya pero sa totoo lang naninikip na ang dibdib ko at gusto ko ng sumabog. Luha lang at ngiti ang naibabalik ko sa kanya.

"Kaya nga isipin mo ang elepanteng yan, tingnan mo ako... nagagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko ngayon dahil ginawa ko na parang elepante ang buhay ko". di ko napigilan ang luha ko sa sinabi nya sa akin."hindi naman ako to e, di ko to gusto, may iba akong gusto kala mo ba".

Buntong hininga. Papayat na ako sa kakabuntong hininga ko.

Kung tutuusin, tama naman. May point sya sa sinabi nya, isa nga lang itong malaking contradiction sa paniniwala ko na mararamdaman mo ang  isang tagumpay kapag ang ginagawa mo ay gusto mo. Pagiging praktikal na nga lang ba ang laban ngayon? naguguluhan ako sa gusto kong paniwalaan at dapat kong paniwalaan. Pakiramdam ko humihina na ang kakayahan ko na ipaglaban ang paniniwala ko sa buhay. Nagiging marupok na nga ako. Parang gusto ko na rin paniwalaan ang paniniwala ng ibang tao, mukhang masaya at matagumpay naman yta.

Di ko alam anong puwede kung maramdaman. Matatawa ba ako sa sinabi nya? matutuwa ba ako kasi alam ko na hindi ako nag iisa sa nararamdaman ko? malulungkot ba ako kasi umabot pa sa ganito ang pag uusap namin.

Tahimik lang akong umiiyak sa isang tabi habang siya seryoso nya akong tinititigan at nagkukwento tungkol sa  buhay mula ng pumasok sya sa isang med kahit hindi nya gusto, nag negosyo pagkatapos, naisipang magturo, at ngaun kaharap ko na bilang isang Executive Dean namin sa College of Medicine. Ang layo ng narating nya no? pero hindi nya gusto ang sinimulan nya.

At oo, tama siya. wala nga kaming pinagkaiba. May mga bagay na ayaw mo na sanang ipagpatuloy, pagod ka na, gusto mo ng magsuka, masakit na sa ulo, pero makikita mo nalang sarili mo na pumipilit bumangon sa higaan isang umaga kasi wala ka ng choice, andyan ka na e. pero minsan makikita mo din sarili  mo na nag eexcel sa mga bagay na hindi mo naman gusto. Isang beses lang akong lumapit sa kanya para sabihing di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito sa Med skul na to. natawa lang sya noon, pati ako natawa lang din sa sinabi ko. Alam pala nya kung anong nararamdaman ko.

naikwento pa nya sa akin na natutuwa sya noong 1st 2 years ko perpetual. gusto kung sabihin sa kanya na kahit ako natutuwa noon. ngunit napahagulhol na lang ako ng sinabi nyang...

"parang biglaan naging isa kang pagong, nakikita kita e... gusto ko nga magtanong kaso di ka naman lumalapit kung anong problema, bigla ka na lang tumago sa shell mo at di ko na nakita ang dating ikaw".

Haiz, gusto ko talaga sanang matawa sa mga analogy nya, pero sa halip naiyak na lang ako. ganon na pala ka transparent ang buhay ko?. Kahit ang isang busy na tao na kagaya nya e napansin pa yon. Kung tutuusin yan ang innisip ko ilang araw na, parang missing link sa buhay ko ang pagiging 3rd year sa medicine. Di ko alam ang nangyari, di ko namalayan na tapos na pala ang taon, di ko alam na March na pala ngaun. Di ko alam. Di ko talaga alam. Gusto ko noong magpanic bakit March na pala... mukhang na i-blog ko pa nga yon. Totoo naman kasi, literal akong naalarma.

"Alam mo ba na gusto kung yanigin ang mundo mo para matauhan ka". Galit. sa pagkakataong ito, galit ang nanaig sa akin, bakit sino ka ba, Diyos ka ba para yumanig ng isang mundo. pero di ko talaga alam kung kanino ako magagalit. sa sarili? sa kanila? sa'yo?

 Luha pa rin ang sagot ko sa mga sinasabi nya. nawalan na ako ng lakas ng loob  para magsalita pa. Nakakaramdam na ako na lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay niyayanig ang mundo ko.

Sa mga oras na yon, gusto ko makapag isp kung bakit, kung ano bang nagawa ko, kung anong klaseng tao ako. Tumayo ako, nagpaalam, umuwi, umiyak, at heto na ako, nagkwento ng araw ko.

Nagpapasalamat na lang ako na kahit papano, pagiging white elephant man o hindi, may nakakarelate sa nararamdaman ko.

PS
 pag may nakita kayong isda sa opisina nya balang araw, ako daw yon.
Di ko masyado na-gets kung pano ako naging isda at kung bakit nya nasabing gusto nya akong ilagay sa isang maliit na fish bowl. :) Nag explain naman sya, di ko lang na digest.
Tawa na lang, lurkey na ako e...

March 15, 2010

Today I prayed for Success, Wisdom, Strength, and Forgiveness

I thought the street of South Luzon Express way becomes blurry as it rains outside. But its not a heavy rain, not even enough to moist the ground dried by the summer sun so I put my eye glasses on to get rid of the fuzzy sight.

My eyeglasses were not enough to restrain me from the flash-back of memories that started to occupy my crazy-invisible-world that made the whole picture out of my sight. I almost drowned to nowhere but our lil' chitchat of being a Beta Sigma Fraternity somehow spoiled another oddness of having a teary-eyed in a middle of a funny conversation.

We are heading to Nagcarlan, Laguna to pray. Seriously, this is not an ordinary road trip we used to have. Unlike the usual, I was hesitant to go. Its not because I'm sleepy though I am sleep-deprived but because I'm scared that this can be another invitation for an extra disappointment. And I heard myself saying "dare to dare" many times before I decided to get out of the bed to prepare. Yes! Dare to dare. I dare to stand up and face this uncertain world, to say a word of prayer, to hope that there is still life behind this darkness, to wait for an answer, to have faith in Him.

As I enter the Church of San Bartolome at Nagcarlan, Laguna my heart seems to melt. The first thing I prayed was "Lord, I am so sorry, please forgive me" an instinct, I guess. That instead of kneeling down and pray for our promotion so we can all wear a white shoes and attend to a patient on April 1st, I felt how bad a sinner I am. I feel like being punished because of my bad choices. Everything seems a penalty that I can't argue with. I pleaded guilty and accepted that everything around is meant to be. I forgot to pray for my personal intention.

Our Next stop was at Liliw Church, still part of Laguna. There, we found an area for meditation where believers can lit a candle. The colors of each candles in a drawer have a deep meaning: Pink for success, violet for forgiveness, green for good health, white for holiness, yellow for family, blue for wisdom, and red for strength.

With all my sincerity, I picked pink, blue, red and finally, the violet.

SUCCESS. I prayed that my choice of becoming a good physician someday is not a part of my mistake. *teary eye*. It hurts. Oh my God, I really hope this is meant for me but if it's not then I should be preparing myself for a tragedy to happen. Nothing is certain, I can't tell. I always believe there is always something for anyone of us. Roads will differ from one traveler to another. And now, despite of feeling lost I still believe I'll find a way to the right path. (NO, I honestly want to believe I'm walking on the right path.)

WISDOM. I asked for Wisdom that I may distinguish what is right from wrong. It's a prayer that I can develop the power to think outside the box. In my journey, I tend to be that traveler who thinks she is always right all the time and being corrected is not an option.  Its all about me or the world against me.

STRENGTH. I asked for strength and courage so I may accept pain and failure as part of life. To understand my life is real and this is not a dream. That my prayer to bring me back to reality should not be ask anymore because I am already in my real world.I am not Cristy in Wonderland and I need strength to accept this fact.


And finally, I asked for FORGIVENESS. I prayed to be forgiven. I can think of nothing else to attain a peace of mind but to ask for forgiveness. But I do understand I was sinned fully thus I'll wait for the right time. I wished to wake up one morning conscience-free and  can look at everybody's eye directly. It's been a long time that I started to run away from people I used to be with because of guilt feeling. It scares to be confronted with reality. I am not yet ready to be bombarded with questions, if there is, because I'm still on my search for an answer.

I also should be praying for anyone else, for my family, good health, people, countrymen. I should have pick all the candles in that drawer and pray for all. But forgive me for I'm taking new steps one at a time. Allow me first to be forgiven, have a peace of mind and be free of rage.

Let me shed tears to lessen my burden. Allow me to be myself--lonely and empty. I'll be fine in no time. Each pain is a step closer to Him.

God be with our journey.


My special thanks to Sis Aicee and Brod Lom :) for making  the rest of the day fun.

A not so blue sunday

I had list on what to do today
  •  Have my hair done
  •  or visit a friend, or relatives for a change
  • Or clean my room
  • And Attend a mass
  • Or better read a chapter of Harrison's
  • then post a blog on whatever under the sun
  • Maybe I could Sketch something
  • Read and laugh again at U.P. overheard?

So many options but none among from my list had made my day. Earlier I found myself crying again. I felt so empty and sad. I heard myself begging to Him to stop challenging my life. I surrendered. But I guess I had no choice but to fight against life's uncertainty.

Yesterday my option was:

  • To  attend the 2nd birthday celebration of my friend's son
  • Or meet my high school friends for a  little reunion, it's been years that I haven't talk to them anyway
  • Or go to a bar with my cousins

My day ended without telling them that I can't make it and why I can't. I simply don't want to explain. I hate explaining myself. I spent the day at the mall somewhere in Alabang. Just like the old days when I can't endure the emptiness--travelling or go Malling is always the best option for me. If each elements in this world could only conspire to make me feel better, then I should not be there walking alone like a "zombie" along with busy "people". 

I was in my drama-mode when a friend whom I considered one of my best friend call me up and talked about his girlfriend and their ups and downs for 30 minutes. In between this moment he'll say "it should be you" "If I knew, then I should...", *sigh* what a day. Sad. As a friend I told him they'll be fine and whatsoever a good friend could advise to save their relationship. Sincerity assured but the ironic part of it was when I utter to myself "I wish I am not a good friend to him" *sigh* who could not be a good to him anyway, when we're in high school, I used to call him in the middle of the night because I can't sleep; when we're younger than we are right now he became my official shoulder. He never failed me yet. I prayed he won't.

But then again, today is not at all sad, partly it isn't. I enjoyed my day with another friend who called because he was bored and his girlfriend is not around. Nice, why do I ended up like a clown making everyone happy? *kidding!* We ate, watched a movie, played arcades, and bottles of beer.  I somehow feel great that I can go out with friends and talk to them anytime I wanted.

March 14, 2010

I can't find my way out...


Today is another day...
when all I wanted to do is to dig within and look for hope...
and all I wish to remember is how it feels like to be inside my mother's womb...
when I desire for nothing else but enlightenment...
I seem to be stranded amidst darkness...


Dark  and empty world... is this how it feels inside that womb? This is perhaps the reason why I wanted to see the world back then, its because of my search for light and freedom to move. Now that I'm feeling the same thing in almost the same situation of being in a dark... I wish I could find a way out here.

March 13, 2010

Round and Round it Goes

It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm listening to home radio manila. I cant sleep again.

Lately, I've been trying to block the world using my earphone. I intended to turn the radio on to drown myself into the sound of music and allow its melody to bring me into nothingness. Although, there are moments that the songs being played on air tears my heart apart and it awakens emptiness.

Some creepy thoughts. It seems that my neurons are actively doing their jobs  but my comprehension of what is it about is not working. The whole process is a failure.

And when I close my eyes I see a lot of things, faces, and places. I see no exact point where to stop for everything moves to and fro. I can hardly focus on what to think about. That's why what I'm doing right now is extremely tiring. Believe me. This is a torture.

One moment I laugh the other I cry and it goes round and round. Tired. Tired. And I'm really tired.

March 12, 2010

Breaktime

after Surgery Exam yesterday...Instead of sighing our lungs out... we headed to Sm Sta rosa and had fun...

Ron, Dolor, Swakie, Pao, Abigirl, Drich and of course, me...
we had little talks of anything under the sun...
and mind you, in times like this everything becomes funny and everyone becomes a laughing stock,
no exception for that.

eat... eat.. and... eat...

and I enjoyed our chitchat ;) 
Gossips here and there...




 medicine Student gone wild and crazy...



And later that night, I went to starbucks for a Java Chips with sis Aicee and Brod Lom
 that's it... I'm feeling better...

Glimpse

I was standing in a corner, somewhere at Olivarez Plaza where a perfect view of stoplight can be seen. I saw no traffic enforcer and the street were busy, disorganized, and noisy. A security guard nearby stared at me with suspicion. Earlier than that moment I was hoping that he was just curios why I was there standing  all alone. Later, I was alarmed by the way way he look so I decided to walk a little distance from him. I've been standing for 5 minutes or so-- I'm not actually sure of how long I've waited for my brod and my sis. We agreed to have another cup of coffee, for a break I supposed.

I saw the way of living as I was standing in that dark corner of Olivarez Plaza . It was well represented by that  busy street with people from all walks of life. I saw different kinds of existence right at that very moment.
A lady passed by me, she  walked gracefully and with confidence . 
A young man appeared from nowhere with bowed heads while his one hand inside his pocket the other holding a brown envelope.  
Two ladies wearing white T-shirts and  an old  faded jeans laughed out loud.
A young couple arguing.
A mother, a father, and a little boy walked hand in hand.
The conversation of the two old man seems disappointing and sad.
Group of individual from each side of the street crossed hurriedly.
A young pregnant woman passed by going to work (I guess)  but looks tired and exhausted.
An irritable man parked his car nearby.
The sleepy street vendor is counting the coins from his belt bag and sighed twice one after the other.
And there was a lady in thirty-something smiling at me as he walk down the street.

Different people, different lives. Happy. Sad. Disappointed. Contented. This is life. Everyone and everything exists.

March 11, 2010

Don't Quit



If quitting is as easy as signing a contract, let me sign mine. But I was told that the only way out is to finish the business.

For I am Lost

I don’t know about tomorrow and I admit that I have no idea about what is going on right now. My desire to stay disconnected had gone too far.

The path that I took is not worthy as I expected. I thought I'd be fine.

I don’t want to think I'm tracking the wrong path because I found no other road other than this one on my way here or I was just blinded by worldly pleasures, I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that I became irresponsible in choosing this kind of route.

I lost my directions and it's getting darker here. I brought no light to guide my way. I tried to figured out myself how to go back where I came from but I guess I had traveled more than I should. I can no longer trace my way home. I'm heading to nowhere and I don’t have strength to make another step.

God, please give me strength.

March 9, 2010

Prayer of One Who Travels

The road of life is rugged and rough.
I am afraid and tired to go on.
Take me, Lord, and let me pass through.

The road is dark and dangerous.
I have no courage and very much
   disappointed.
Hold me, Lord, and let me reach my goal.

The road seems endless and no result
   is in sight.
I lose hope and get discouraged.
Assist me. Lord, and let me do
   what is right.

The road makes my body tired,
    my load heavy
    my patience thin
    my mind weary
    my waiting irritating.
But when You walk with me, Lord
    everything becomes light
    my strength renewed
    my mind refreshed
    my waiting exciting
It is only so when You travel with me.

The road might make me lose the way,
or it might bring some misfortunes.
But walk with me, Lord,
    and I shall have peace of mind.
And more so, I will be free
    from any harm.

The road might lead me to the
    uncertainty of my destination.
I am nervous of what the outcome
   will be.
But walk with me, Lord, and everything
    will be pleasant
and I can progress and even reap
   some success.

Take me with You, Lord,
    in this road of life
and lead me to heaven above.
Travel with me, Lord,
    so I can take the only road
    that will lead me back to You.
Walk with me, Lord,
    that I may know the way to You.

AMEN.

(Prayer Text by Fr. Ruperto Santos, STI)

March 8, 2010

"Action Completed Your account has been cancelled"-- friendster

there goes the message saying "Action Completed Your account has been cancelled" from friendster. 

Perhaps, this is just a part of my craziness right now but I am so decided to cancel all my existing social accounts...  

I am drowning in pain again, I wanted to isolate myself from the world, stay disconnected, give some time for my self to think, go to place where I can see the whole picture of my life right now. I feel so small and the world around me is so big. I wanted it to be the other way around. It would be easy then.

Soon I'll be deleting facebook if can give up my yoville and farmville! (seriously, that's the only thing that keeps me holding) or better yet, erase another set of friends. I'm not going to do such with my multiply and blogger account though. The two remains my hiding place in moments like this-down, empty, and no one to talk to...this is where I confess everything.


I got friends alright, only that, it is a matter of accepting their criticism for me to grow or face their rejection. 

sometimes I like to believe that there are a lot of people out there who doesn't understand why some of us post what we feel in the net or blog instantly. An honest status at facebook for instance will not yield comments right their but when they see you in person they'll just surprise you with sarcasm. For them what is right is what they're doing. and if they're not doing what your doing then you are absolutely wrong! If something is difficult for them to manage, they'll tell you about the hardship they been through. If things become so easy in their part and not on yours, they'll tell you "what the hell, how come you don't know that?, are you serious?!?" as if your dumb and silly. 

They talk as if you have no right to feel emotions other than happiness.




The Lucky and the not so lucky

In this not-so-fair wide universe, there are two kinds of one can become, and one can't have them both at once. More often than not, you are left in nowhere having no choice at all but to accept what you got--that is, if you still have the needed strength to accept what destiny had brought you. What's more important is that if you're not yet exhausted with this kind of torture.

There are people out there who are very privileged that no matter what they do, everything goes right. "they're simply lucky" argue no more or you'll ended up seeing yourself wasted, staring blankly all day long wondering why and how it happened.

And the less fortunate people---those who struggle to be like the other but no chance to be one. Struggle more, be inspired and when you're almost there ready to pick up the gold at the end of the rainbow…*boom!* sorry! Why not try again later, dude?!? It's like playing Mario Bros… when you thought you could save the princess a message will pop-up…"the princess is in another castle...". What kind of hell is this… I mean… nothing! I don’t think of it as life being unfair. It is not unfair, but is it just? Is this what we are here for? To struggle and try again to succeed?

This is what I'm believing right now. Competing with life is not easy… sometimes you struggle and you fail… sometimes you do nothing and you succeed.

Fine… let us all try again! Who knows…

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