How good is it to be pretending all the time?

Pretending to be someone and something else isn’t a bad thing (not all the time). In nature, most of the living creatures camouflage to remain unnoticed by their predators. They tend to blend with the environment for protection so as to survive, often times remained immobile until predators were gone of their sight. 

Humans on the other hand wear this concealed mask called pretension. For some, pretending is a way of survival. The world is crazy! The more you show the world who you really are, the more they will be eager to see the other side of you. You should know what mask to wear on the right place and on the right time to the right crowd.

Then...consider that fact that the more you show real emotions (especially serious dreaded emotions) the more you condemned yourself to the losing side. One of my college professors always remind me not to present the negative side! (He was referring to my papers) but I think hiding the bad side is also of a good help to cope up with life. It can help you recover from pain easily. Because sometimes, it is the people around you who knows everything about you that can make things more complicated. there are times that even if you already moved on, the people around you will pull you back because there are people out there who find pleasure in your tears.

If pretending is not your business in life, if the term PRETENDING is not listed on your vocabulary as you say (because you think pretending is way of telling “I tricked on you!”) then better wear the poker face. Better to keep things neutral. Don’t react. Don't talk. Stay right in the middle of the situation. Think of first which way to go before moving. With this, you will not be held liable on fooling someone because you did nothing. I personally agree with this. Just like playing the cards where they keep poker face on to win the game by misleading the opponents into making false assumptions. By that, they can make their moves without distractions. 

In life we should learn tricks—a lot of ticks to survive. Pretending and Wearing a Poker face.

When my friends and I went to Tagaytay for a coffee, a performer outside the shop got me thinking about how good it was to be like him pretending. He is a white-faced man. His face concealed with thick make-up but his eyes spoke for him. 
Tired 
Exhausted 
Unhappy 
Ashamed
Yet he still tried to make us laugh. He showed enthusiasm, tried to make faces to entertain thus appeared good in front of the us. 

In one point I told myself he is a  kind of a strong man. He entertained regardless what he really feels that time. Maybe he is doing the same thing in his life. He faces the world everyday no matter how bad he feels. 

In another point, he reminds me of my weak soul…

I pretend to be happy although I am not (then complain why people don't understand me *grin*). Most of us laugh in the hope to produce tons of endorphins because laughter combats pain (not bad anyway). Yeah! Not so bad, we should do that laugh therapy.

What if we do this all the time?

We desire to find a hiding place simply because we don’t want people to know us. 
Most of the time we can’t hide from them so we wear mask instead. 
We want to show only the good side of us… as a STRONG person 
We all struggle to meet the world’s greatest expectation—to surpass life’s battle field. 

How good is it to pretend? 
If I pretend to be deaf, am I not going to hear anymore the rumors that discourage me to talk and speak out? 
If I pretend to be blind, am I not going to see anymore the things I intentionally outrun from the past? 
Is wearing a mask can also hide me from my own pain, aside from hiding those pain from the people who has no other desire than seeing me drown in agony? 

The problem comes not just when we hide from other people. 
The problem comes when we forget the reality. 
The problem comes when we lost in touch of our own selves because we overly pretend to be someone we are not. 
The problem comes when we don’t ask for help because we are afraid to be labelled as weak. 

I guess if it begins to hurt us then we have to take it off already. If we can no longer hear ourselves when we only intended to keep our voices from people in our fear of rejection and discrimination. If we can no longer sense ourselves when we should only be hiding it from people who is trying to harm us in one way or another. Take that mask off!

I don’t know exactly why this wearing a mask bothered me so much today. When I woke up this morning I feel so down…I got this superb emotion for no reason… yet I am fed up hearing people say “you should be fine, there is no reason not to”.   

I was thinking to pretend I’m SO FINE… I AM FEELING GREAT TODAY. YEAH!

That Woman...

Sketched by my high school friend, Merwin Abello

She was once the woman of determination
She once had the courage to conquer what is ahead of her
Strong as she was
She once a picture of a woman who stood undisturbed amidst circumstances

Time passed by her
She remained where she was until rusted
Until discouraged by her own fate
She lost it all
She remained hanging on that same wall
She remained just a picture

She forgot who she was
She even forgot where she came from
And then she forgot what she wanted to be

Forgotten by all
She abandoned her old self

That woman
Behind the picture is a woman wanting to live again
she wanted to bring with her the courage and determination she once had
She wanted to be the woman
...that woman

Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

Silence

My idea of writing is for me to comprehend my environment. It is my own simple way to understand myself. But I came to a point where I passionately stayed away from pressing the keyboard and get rid of picking up a pen to write a single word. Sometimes, our own thoughts can be that scary. Times when you thought of someone you don’t want to remember, tasks you don’t want to do, acts that you considered you never did, an event you don’t want to take place, blames you don’t want to cast upon. Some words that can at times are too good to remain unsaid because talking can be regretful. I always regret how I connect words and turned them to harsh statements. I wanted to lessen my regrets if I can. I had enough of them; I’m not creating another set to make myself bad. Silence is good and to remain as one in times of hatred feels great. 

To delay things when needed can be hard—as hard as acting mature when you’re really not but it can make you one.

out of my mind

This is funny,for me it is.

I've been out here for quite a while, just letting things happen. I got no intention of letting people understand what is happening right now...silence...silence... and still... silence...

it is true that I am being half hearted in things I used to loved, unenthusiastic in things I do, and been unresponsive to people I used to be with...but who cares... this is my life under process... one step at a time... I'm starting to love my life.

I am not good and I don't remember I told anyone out there that I was...most of all: I NEVER PRETEND THAT I KNOW THINGS AND I KNOW LIFE...(like the way other people do)


Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com

In my Deepest Silence

I seldom talk and decide… and worst, I hardly had a good choice of word and decision. It is always something to regret, actions and words that will soon attack me with guilt.

            So, what do you think is the best for me? Do I have to remain forever in silence and in passive stance? I know I am not smart but I am not dumb either.  Perhaps I need time to think of something that could make me a better person.

            This is what I mean of being back in reality: having the ability to recognize mistakes and the capacity to withstand it.

            People around know little things about me, and I am not asking them to know those silly details of my stupid life. There is no need to know those information’s just for me to be understood.

            Though I want people around me to consider the fact that they know little,  that's why there is no point of judging me.

            I wish they know that I am on my process of gaining my lost ground— finding my vanished essence of lonely existence—looking around for my missing low self-esteem

—no more, no less, no questions to be ask.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Microbes... Soon to Attack

Somebody is pushing me into my limit… and I'm expecting to receive some violent reaction regarding this blog.

I remember I did pray hard not to experience this kind of comeback. I had been asking God for a complete guidance to lead me to the right path. I never wished to get even but I am forced to do so.

Don’t get me wrong but I am taking it generally. I am not going to pinpoint a single person here because my plans encompass everyone inside the circle of cruelty.

            You’ll never feel my kindness anymore and my considerations.

I’ll be creating a one dimensional world; my selfishness is now activated, making my mind so narrow—I can’t help but to think of how I can get even!

           I always attribute everything to myself and thought of everything as my own fault—but not this time! You see how you cleaned out my three-dimensional way of thinking? Since you impaired me; expect then that I’ll be like a microorganism spoiling you sooner or later with no past-reflection like the way you did.

Yeah, you made me feel I am nothing, you belittle my existence—I feel like a microbe. But don’t you remember what a microbe can do to your whole system especially now that I am starting to mutate and tried to resist everything?

When I thought I could still be good, or shall I say when you’re bad, you are bad no matter what it takes. Perhaps I was born having a wicked nature. This is me… I am bad though I tried to be good.

Everything around me is getting into my nerves. And I shiver in anger; it freezes my brain closing every circuits of it.

        Silence echoes like a thunder running all over my system—deafening silence! What it is all about? Why such an existence?

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com