|Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not|
For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.
I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.
My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications. Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.
Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?
I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.
And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.
So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love. Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.
This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.
There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.
However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.
Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.
And that’s reality.
I sometimes hate him.
I sometimes despise him.
I sometimes get jealous.
I am sometimes worried.
She sometimes made me feel insecure.
They both are freaking me out.
I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust...