June 10, 2011

Time travel: The Teddy bear I used to hurt

My childhood dreams...
When I grew up, I wanted a curly hair like that of “Goldilocks”.
When I grew up, I wanted to become a mermaid and swim the abyss of ocean.
When I grew up, I wanted to own a tree house.
When I grew up, I wanted to live the life of “Richie rich”
When I grew up, I wanted to write and draw as good as my sister. 
When I grew up, I wanted to become strong so I can lift the iron stand and also help my mother with other household chores.
and so on...

But there are two dreams that remain …
When I grew up, I wanted to travel the world.
When I grew up, I wanted to become Doctor Tim. 

I wanted to travel the world.
I can still remember that most of my elementary teachers used to ask us "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or “list the five things you wanted to do when you grow up”. Back then, I always knew what to write. Number one would always be “I want to travel the world” although I can’t stand to ride a jeepney back then because of motion sickness. I remember I even told my mother I wanted to go to Manila, but in one condition. I don’t want a ride. We will just walk! Crazy! Thanks God, motion sickness was long gone to me.

I wanted become a Doctor.

My 20-year old Teddy Bear, my mom got this as her award for being the "dealer of the month" of Tupperware
As I child, jobs such as doctors, lawyers, teachers and engineers are the professions to enter into minds so I've chosen to become a doctor. Mind set. I was also influenced by my mother who works in a district hospital as a nursing attendant. On some afternoons, since the hospital was just a walk away from our home, I was sometimes asked to bring her a dinner. I knew from those afternoons (of inhaling disinfectant, of listening to people cough and children cry, of seeing nurses on station preparing medicine for admitted patients) someday I’ll work as a medical practitioner too.
I’m sorry teddy for doing those to you.
My teddy bear became my first patient at home. I used to make a little cut in its forehead and back then pour in red ink (still stained until now). When the cut appears to be like of a real bloody wound I’ll stitch them using a sewing needle and thread. I sometimes apply lotion and creams too or apply Betadine solution.

I’m a grown up now. I went to medical school after I graduated college but it turns out, it’s not easy. I lose courage. I doubted myself as I study. The more I read, the more I feel I am not geared up.  I was hesitant if I could function effectively in life-and-death situations. I was in doubt if I can handle the responsibility of saving lives.

Little by little I was discouraged by my own fear. My mind burnt out.I became exhausted.

But then again, I knew my dreams. All I really need right now is to gain courage and be back in field.

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