Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

Family

My family ain’t perfect so as the tie that bonds us together. We never had chance to have fun as a whole. We all have our ways, own lives, and own point of views where mine is the greatest—but, I guess they feel the same thing with there’s.

The only typical about us is that we argue and we are all silly.  While we, siblings are all likened to cats and dog, our parents then are the lion and the tiger. We argue, argue, and argue. It feels weird not to.

We live in a house which was never a home. 

When I was younger one of my hopes in life was to own a house with doors since the old one only got three—the one in front, the other at back, then the third for the comfort room—all the rest has curtains instead. I now realized that house made of bamboos and woods having only three doors are far better than our present where we got doors all over the place. Here, we learned how to bang all them whenever we wanted, our simple way of communication. So sweet, isn’t it? 

I’m pretty sure our parents did not teach us to bang the doors. They trained us in a way wherein we walk inside our house very slowly not to make any sound. That’s how strict they’ve been to us. I don’t know what happen then. Maybe it’s our nature to act that way. 

Our main problem is communication. We never compromise. Hopeless. 

In a way, those doors are of help for it made us feel we’re not home alone by ourselves.  

topak

oi, ilang days na lng uwi na dapat ako sa iloilo...attend ng grad... ready na lahat... except sa ofcourse magical na damit! hai.. may karapatan ba ako mag reklamo...sabi nga ng pinsan ko magkikita na lng kmi ng makahanap ng bago...e di ok na ung damit, may paraan na...

Excited na rin ako...dami ng plans...

• makikita ko na father ko, sister ko, tska pamangkin ko na si kyrk...hai kakamiss naman khit 1 year pa lang na hindi kami nagkikita... mga pasaway na un, hehehe

• pag uwi ko magdadala pa ako ng polvoron para kay pareng Janice kasi adiktus un e.. tska xmpre para sa mga best ko, special request...

• makukuha ko na laptap ko sa wakas! ok na daw.. pwde ko na ulit magamit sa mga games... oo best, bibili na ako ng laptap bag ng di na masira ulit.. as if di ko alam e nagtatampo lng un sakin kasi sa bag ko lang nilalagay kasama si moore...pati xa natoxic!

• sa Saturday, pupunta kaming Guimaras kasi nga daw Manggahan Festival.. ang saya naman.. pagkakataon ko na makabonding mga biopipz.. nong college mukhang di ako nakakasama sa mga lakad...

• may swimming kami ni dipher, di ko lang lam kung san... sabi balik kami sa Taklong.. musta na nga kaya don si nemo tska mga coral snakes... inisip ko pa kung bibili ako ng mask ang snorkel kasi ung mga gamit ko ewan.. don n sumama sa magaling kung bhadz na asungot! hahaha bitter e, bkt kasi di nya binalik un e mahalaga kaya un sakn.. tsktsktsk talaga...

• xmpre, mag iinuman kmi ng mga manyakers... ang barkada kung tunay! sa lahat nmn o, un ang pina ka exciting.. kaya nga bumili pa ng bagong digi cam si dipher para may remembrance kmi! ang muling pagkikita ni LONG, THOMAS, DANEZ and TIMI!!! yahooooo... hai ang saya talga

• don ako mag ampon sa bahy ni dipher sa Manduriao... hmmm masarap magluto si nanay... kakamiss na... gusto ko kumain don... promise!!!!! di nyo titigilan, kakalimutan nyo na ang salitang HIYA...

• hai naku, tambak na rin ang tsismis ko kay dipher... dami na ngyari... tska, magkikita din kmi ni JOno Biyo dapat kasi nga wala lng... magkikita lng kmi...

• Ung bestfriend ko na si Hannah pupunta rin daw, xmpre aattend din ng grad ko... after ng grad mag oovernyt kami sa apartment ni Gigi para don na kmi magtsismisan galore...ok n un... ok na daw sila, magfile n lng daw ng leave para sure...

• xmpre pa, ok na si ate pel para maghatid sundo sakin sa Manila airport.. nangako na xa na sya bahala sa'kin...

nu pa ba ang naisip naming gawin, ang dami naming plans ni dipher...

pero e2 ako ngaun... nag iisip, nag ddalawang isip... UUWI BA AKO SA FRIDAY??? MAY GULAY NAMAN O.. LECHEFLAN! KAYA KO BANG UMUWI?????????????

NAKAKATAKOT... DI RIN YTA AKO HANDANG UMUWI... NAKAKATAKOT... NAKAKALUNGKOT NAMAN.. GUSTO KO NA AYAW KO.. TOPAK KA TALGA KAHIT KELAN!!!

ngaun nakatanggap ako ng text kay roa.. kitakits daw sa saturday... si dipher nagtatanong na if pwde daw n magkita na lng kmi sa city kasi mahirap puntahan ang airport sa iloilo... hai... ano nmn gagawin ko.. ano nmn dapat kng sagot?

tapos e2 si Sekretong tao na bigalng sumulpot sa buhay ko... hahhaha meron bang ganon.. nag ask bt ayaw ko na? ano ba daw dahilan ko?

HINDI KO NAMAN MASAGOT!! sabi ko natatakot ako e... bkt nga daw... SABI KO NA LANG, " A BASTA... AYAW KO NA TALGA... BT DI MO GETS?"

panu nga ba nya maggets un kung di ko maexplain, panu maiintindahan ng ibang tao e sarili ko nga di ko maintindihan e... tama ba un?

KAYA NGA TUWANG TUWA AKO SA APMC... AKALA KO MALILIGTAS NA AKO.. SANA MAY MEETING SA FRIDAY! SANA MAY SEMINAR... SANA MAY CONFERENCE... SANA SANA SANA SANA... HAI... DI RIN YTA EFFECTIVE... PERO MALAY MO MERON NGA... SANA MAY HIMALA!!!!!!!!

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com