How good is it to be pretending all the time?

Pretending to be someone and something else isn’t a bad thing (not all the time). In nature, most of the living creatures camouflage to remain unnoticed by their predators. They tend to blend with the environment for protection so as to survive, often times remained immobile until predators were gone of their sight. 

Humans on the other hand wear this concealed mask called pretension. For some, pretending is a way of survival. The world is crazy! The more you show the world who you really are, the more they will be eager to see the other side of you. You should know what mask to wear on the right place and on the right time to the right crowd.

Then...consider that fact that the more you show real emotions (especially serious dreaded emotions) the more you condemned yourself to the losing side. One of my college professors always remind me not to present the negative side! (He was referring to my papers) but I think hiding the bad side is also of a good help to cope up with life. It can help you recover from pain easily. Because sometimes, it is the people around you who knows everything about you that can make things more complicated. there are times that even if you already moved on, the people around you will pull you back because there are people out there who find pleasure in your tears.

If pretending is not your business in life, if the term PRETENDING is not listed on your vocabulary as you say (because you think pretending is way of telling “I tricked on you!”) then better wear the poker face. Better to keep things neutral. Don’t react. Don't talk. Stay right in the middle of the situation. Think of first which way to go before moving. With this, you will not be held liable on fooling someone because you did nothing. I personally agree with this. Just like playing the cards where they keep poker face on to win the game by misleading the opponents into making false assumptions. By that, they can make their moves without distractions. 

In life we should learn tricks—a lot of ticks to survive. Pretending and Wearing a Poker face.

When my friends and I went to Tagaytay for a coffee, a performer outside the shop got me thinking about how good it was to be like him pretending. He is a white-faced man. His face concealed with thick make-up but his eyes spoke for him. 
Tired 
Exhausted 
Unhappy 
Ashamed
Yet he still tried to make us laugh. He showed enthusiasm, tried to make faces to entertain thus appeared good in front of the us. 

In one point I told myself he is a  kind of a strong man. He entertained regardless what he really feels that time. Maybe he is doing the same thing in his life. He faces the world everyday no matter how bad he feels. 

In another point, he reminds me of my weak soul…

I pretend to be happy although I am not (then complain why people don't understand me *grin*). Most of us laugh in the hope to produce tons of endorphins because laughter combats pain (not bad anyway). Yeah! Not so bad, we should do that laugh therapy.

What if we do this all the time?

We desire to find a hiding place simply because we don’t want people to know us. 
Most of the time we can’t hide from them so we wear mask instead. 
We want to show only the good side of us… as a STRONG person 
We all struggle to meet the world’s greatest expectation—to surpass life’s battle field. 

How good is it to pretend? 
If I pretend to be deaf, am I not going to hear anymore the rumors that discourage me to talk and speak out? 
If I pretend to be blind, am I not going to see anymore the things I intentionally outrun from the past? 
Is wearing a mask can also hide me from my own pain, aside from hiding those pain from the people who has no other desire than seeing me drown in agony? 

The problem comes not just when we hide from other people. 
The problem comes when we forget the reality. 
The problem comes when we lost in touch of our own selves because we overly pretend to be someone we are not. 
The problem comes when we don’t ask for help because we are afraid to be labelled as weak. 

I guess if it begins to hurt us then we have to take it off already. If we can no longer hear ourselves when we only intended to keep our voices from people in our fear of rejection and discrimination. If we can no longer sense ourselves when we should only be hiding it from people who is trying to harm us in one way or another. Take that mask off!

I don’t know exactly why this wearing a mask bothered me so much today. When I woke up this morning I feel so down…I got this superb emotion for no reason… yet I am fed up hearing people say “you should be fine, there is no reason not to”.   

I was thinking to pretend I’m SO FINE… I AM FEELING GREAT TODAY. YEAH!

That Woman...

Sketched by my high school friend, Merwin Abello

She was once the woman of determination
She once had the courage to conquer what is ahead of her
Strong as she was
She once a picture of a woman who stood undisturbed amidst circumstances

Time passed by her
She remained where she was until rusted
Until discouraged by her own fate
She lost it all
She remained hanging on that same wall
She remained just a picture

She forgot who she was
She even forgot where she came from
And then she forgot what she wanted to be

Forgotten by all
She abandoned her old self

That woman
Behind the picture is a woman wanting to live again
she wanted to bring with her the courage and determination she once had
She wanted to be the woman
...that woman

Good bye

My dear,

I'm supposed to write a letter that could inspire your day. I remember the day I promised myself to never let you feel sad…to never start your day bad just because I am feeling bad… because we are here to inspire each other’s lives...

But today my dear, I woke up feeling empty—

I am neither happy nor sad.

*sigh*

A sigh because the feeling is actually a well-defined one...

The truth is I’m wearing my other face to mask the reality.

I should be keeping this myself but allow me to be honest for once.

Allow me to say that I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling. I was trying to ignore the fact that I was brought by the emptiness to a place where I forbid myself to go. I found myself adrift the space of promises that made me feel unsatisfied to where I am to an extent of feeling discontented with what we are having.  I wanted to ignore the reality and trick myself to change what I feel (that’s why I said I’m neither happy nor sad) but the pain stabs so bad enough. Forgive me for this is not the life I wanted.

I said it was the happiest…

I promised to cherish the memory we created and we’ll create more of a lasting memory that could inspire both of us…

I was wrong…

It wasn’t easy and I’m not seeing any worth to keep this relationship any further…

I’m a weak. I was scared, I trembled until I lose grip…

I can no longer hold on because I can’t find the reason why I should…

Still, I hope to be reminded with because I love you…

But my dear, if saying good byes were destined…Let it be.

We don’t have to wait for us to be broken…

We don’t need to  feel the pain so to push each other…

All we need is just the word “Good bye”…as good as it is…

Let us allow happy thoughts to linger as we make our own ways…

Let's part our ways bringing happy memories with us because I wished to be in a place someday remembering all those times…

P.S.

Our bows had been in silent...

I hope that would make things easier.

I'll always love you

Buhos pa ulan...

Alas dos y media ng madaling araw. Sana man lang ay may kape...

*buntong hininga*
*bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga*
*Sinara ang bintana*
*isa pang buntong hininga* 

Bumuhos ang napakalakas na ulan na para bang wala ng bukas. Bigla kong naisip si "Chedeng" ang bagyong inaasahan at pinaghahandaan ng nakakarami "Andito na kaya sya?". Perosa kabilang banda "Di pala ako sigurado kung kasama sa itinerary nya ang pagdaan dito sa lugar namin". 

*buntong hininga* 
*bumalik sa pagkakahiga*
*Niyakap ang unan*
*pinakinggan ang ulan*
*isa pang buntong hininga habang nakatitig sa nakasarang bintana*

Ang bawat patak ng ulan ay onti-onting nagbukas sa isang pinto kung saan nakahimlay lahat ng mga bagay na pilit kong isinantabi... mga bagay na alam ko sa sarili ko ay nakatakda naman naa maging bahagi na ng aking buhay. Mga pagbabago...  

*buntong hininga*

Patuloy ang pagbuhos ng ulan... dumagsa ang mga katanungang paulit-ulit kong itinatanong sa aking sarili sa kagustuhan ko na sana ay mabago ang sagot.

*Isa pang buntong hininga* 

Tuluyan na ngang nabasag ang katahimikan... 

Source: behance.net via Cristy on Pinterest

Once empty

The living room is intended for general and leisure activities thus becoming the center of family's fun zone (I remembered that from one of the discussions way back my elementary years ). Well, at least for most of Filipinos it is one cozy place where the whole members of the family come to together to gather and have some fun from time to time.

The most live-in room in the house I supposed. But that kind of definition will not work to my family having the living room here as the most abandoned. It is where we hang our laundry's during rainy days. So instead of fancy wall decors we got a colorful clothesline all over. In addition, Since it is very typical for us to keep worn-out stuffs and throwing them away is a big no! it is safe for me to say that it is a room full of beautiful junks, some were recycled.

Obviously no one likes to hang-out only to harass oneself with loneliness.Believe me, sitting down in what I once coined "Cleopatra-inspired set of my mother" defines an empty space so I personally ignores this room since we moved in on May of 1998.



 I also made this one:)

  I only cleanup when expecting visitors even though most of the time we used to accommodate them outside for fresher air. Not this time! Earlier, I felt like spoiling my daily routine (that includes sleeping and watching non-sense drama series).

I removed the clothesline, put curtains on, and called my brother to rearrange the Cleopatras since I can't do it myself. There, not so great but it looks like a whole lot better. A simple and such a good way to start the week. :)

I'll find time to sit down here and read good books one of these days.

Hello, Is HE there?

I decided to eat my lunch two hours earlier than usual. I spent my 50-minute lunch break at my desk for a supposed indispensable self assessment.  My mind, having been over powered by my emotions, no longer functions.

 If only the trunk line at my desk could favor me, I would probably make an urgent call  to the luckiest person that I know to ask if HE is there. Why that desperate? Because direct calls doesn’t work anymore.  

 

But guess what...Every time I tried to stop calling on HIM it made disappointments acceptable and my burden lighter--maybe because I was not expecting of someone watching for my safe journey.  Sometimes, the feeling of being alone can keep you going--it can make you strong like you never thought you can be.

I just don't know why I was so tempted to call him this time...

Fine,  I'll  try again later.

Time Check

Six in the morning,

Picked up my phone to switch off the alarm...

Jumped off from bed thinking I’ll be late
I'm 10-minutes away from work by a tricycle

It’s Monday..I sighed a lot...

thanks heaven I had a cup of coffee—A good way to  start another week.

While I hurriedly walked down the street in 7:10 AM

I sent a group message saying

“Good morning! Cheers to those who are late”

9 of 47 recipients had replied.
I'm not sure of what to feel...
Good? because friends remained...
Guilty? for being a little loud...

At 7:20 I served three Japanese with cups of coffee and a tea...

I got bowing heads and mumbling,

their way to say "Thank you Cristy"
for I came early even my actual work starts at 8:00...
I don't know.

At 7: 25 I went downstairs greeting everyone I met along...

Sweet morning smiles.

Others just passed by me...

Perhaps there were really who walk with bowed heads!

They needed that to watch their steps carefully, aye!

DJ's time checked was 7:27

I was in the lobby listening to my favorite radio station

Put in the earphone, maximized the volume and close my eyes till 8:45

I heard nothing but music,

I felt nothing but myself smiling...

My composure remained...

 9:30 A.M. at my desk

I was tempted to turn on the radio again

I was bored.

I had filed every pending document…

Follow-up calls to all service providers…

Complained to a telecommunication office…

Ordered jobs to repair the broken facilities…

Photocopied forms of all kinds for the employees…

I hated sitting, spinning my chair.

Coffee break at 10:00

Prepared cups of coffee once more

I served silently... wore a smile...

No more bowing heads, no more mumbling

At that early, I felt how exhausted everyone was

At 10:05 I was inside the ladies room

Washed my face…

Sprayed perfume on my neck and rubbed some on my wrist…

Applied lip gloss and facial powder to finalize it all …

I told the woman standing in front of me

 “Please, be strong”

I saw her eyes full of emptiness but she smiled back

I guessed my words made her cry inside

I touched another heart

10:15 the bell rang for the second break

Went back to my desk

It was the peak time for all telephone calls

I kept myself busy entertaining…

Taking and relaying message…

Transferring phone calls from one department to another

Lights still off at 12:45 PM

Everyone’s lurched on their desk for a nap

I was, on the other hand listening to the music on radio

I closed my eyes and felt it

Every melody sinks in me

And then phone rang by the time I almost drowned to nothingness

I turned on the light at exactly 12:50

Everyone’s back to work

Turned off the radio, put it under my desk in exchange of my cap

I went downstairs to visit the timekeeper officer

I brought with me the over time request sheet filed by every employer

Went back to my desk…

 Stamped to receive the requests

Sort by departments

Filed to folders according to effectivity dates

I was done in 30 minutes or so

At 1:00 PM I was roving to check the company’s premises

I walked under the heat of the sun

A cloudy day it was

Clouds resembles a baby playing an airplane

In one moment it became an angry dragon

I walked and sighed

I thought how fast things can change

Again I look up into the sky

It was gone

Again I thought some things are too good to stay

At 1: 25

25 minutes I was sitting at the canteen’s long table

A proctor, I was, for pre-employment examination

I traveled back in time instead of watching over

For 25 minutes I was the person weakened by shame

A coward who walked away from humiliation

Left with crooked principles

Standing in a shaky ground

Filed… Sorted… Stamped receive.... filed

Messages relayed, some were sent

Compilations completed

The bell rang at exactly 5:00 pm

Another day at the office has ended

I can't find my way out...

Today is another day...

when all I wanted to do is to dig within and look for hope...

and all I wish to remember is how it feels like to be inside my mother's womb...

when I desire for nothing else but enlightenment...
I seem to be stranded amidst darkness...

Dark  and empty world... is this how it feels inside that womb? This is perhaps the reason why I wanted to see the world back then, its because of my search for light and freedom to move. Now that I'm feeling the same thing in almost the same situation of being in a dark... I wish I could find a way out here.

Same Old story

I've been out for a year struggling to be happy like anyone else and guess what… such a failure! What happened was a nightmare… I hoped it really was, but I guess it was real.

The emptiness that I'm feeling right now is exactly the one I felt before. I can even just re-post some of my blog entries to express what I feel right at this very moment

My blog entries reminds me that this is just the same old story I'm writing.

Birthday?

Today is my 24th birthday… the saddest of all.

 

 I feel weak, empty and scared. I wish I could stop everything, freeze the world in a snap. I wished to be invisible, to run a way, shout out loud and scream. I wished to let it out--strange emptiness from nowhere. Oh burdens of pain, hatred, and regrets I wished I could return you to where you really belong.

I struggled enough. I wanted to be free.

To run away… just the thought of it tires me already. I had no energy left since I been running all my life--been running from pain. I wanted to seek for another hiding place, where no one can see me dying in agony. For some, what I feel is stupid and nothing.

To be invisible. So I can cry, I can shout hurting no one.

To stay disconnected from the world so that no one will remind me of who I am and who I was.

Nothing....

 when nothing is left for you...

*this is not my original concept but I was the one who sketched

Nowhere to go

I had nowhere to go...

I feel so lost and empty...

I wish I could find myself so soon...

when will my reflection show...

I know something is really wrong....

I'm so not myself lately...

Misunderstood

I am trying to figure out myself what makes my life miserable these past few days.  Those unexplained cause that made me feel like i am being one of the world’s outcast. Perhaps, its the rain that reminds me of the pains I been through, it is my frustration of having a meaningless life—I am extremely saddened and so disappointed with myself today.


I am trying to fix my broken life. I tried so hard but like a broken glass, I never have a chance to patch-up everything. There will always be an empty space, vanished parts and deformities. Life will never be as perfect as the way life before, no matter how hard I tried. There is no way for reinvention. I don't know, but I once believed that wearing a mask will make my life look better. It is the only way I could think of today. I have to hide those scars that marked my dark past.

I feel so down… so ugly… I am so exhausted… and yeah, wasted. I am truly impaired… Am I going to be a doctor or end up again in nowhere for a thousand time already. I hate that destination—a literally known “space” wherein you cant find any single thing around, an empty freedom.

Some people would say “I am just getting frustrated over something I should not”. Then, do you know how it feels to be like CRISTY?

    I am silently struggling to survive, fighting back myself—exactly, my greatest enemy as of now is myself. Do you know then how hard it is for me to contradict everything? I wanted to cry and revenge but I should not. I wanted to die but I should stand firm. My body and mind is becoming weaker each passing day—times that I need silence to convince myself that I have to be strong. It is exactly the abnormality I identified to be Major Depression and not just a feeling of blues and sadness.

This is bad, but all I wanted to do right now is to take revenge. I tried hard to let it go, but I can still hear those insults I got back home. I can still hear myself screaming in pain. And what hurts more is the fact that I been so nice— I been so good… but then they still did those wicked things pushing me to be BAD.

        And the stinging fact perhaps was those moments that I am in tears while they're all in laughter calling me crazy.

        Tell me now, am I really bad to think and feel this way?


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

The Ghost in Me

What I got today as I woke up is a puzzled mind as always. Extreme emotions and those sentiments remains untold, it  continues to linger.

          Everything falls into its proper places but it seems it is never right—it quivers. Seems it was, seems it was right… but why am I still drowning into nothingness.

        Everyday I walk in this kind of road-- all about emptiness… its a never-ending empty spaces of  my life. Every step scares me; everything is at its critical point. I had been through kinds of horrors like this, but this time is different. Because what really scares me today is myself—there is a ghost in me wanting to revenge. Mutated feelings and distorted identity… I got nothing but hatred.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Madness

I feel so empty… I am floating into nothingness… and I am heading into the middle of nowhere… walking in the midst of darkness…I hear myself screaming in pain…it echoes back to me… journey… is this life? I wished it won’t last… because I am tired.
            Here comes my craziness… and there comes sarcastic attacks…
I no longer have tears to cry to clean my sorrow… I am so drained…exhausted…my soul is getting numb…better stay away from me—I am not what I am… I am not good and I will never be one…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com