April 20, 2015

Distraction Drama

5 more months...

I'll soon be taking the upcoming PLE 2015 on August. And I honestly not giving myself any other choices but to pass.

 Yes, I will definitely pass. Despite all the distractions that keeps on coming my way, and hinders my ability to focus. An overwhelming distractions, it is.

Lately, I found myself drowning in thoughts of giving up because I seem not to fit in. I struggled weighing on the thoughts of how and how not to give up. Nowadays, distraction is at its peak.

I am possessed with an old self trying to hide from everyone around whose life continues to progress while mine remain to where it was a decade pass. Because Seeing them becoming big made me little. Instead of having accepted it as a challange, i was somehow in some point became discouraged.

I also found myself walking away from everyone whom I thought could walk with me as I journey. Amidst, I seen them walking away from my place to a better one.

The truth is...before I even completely given up on my own life along with the dramas, there were some who gave up on me. It's okay. Really. Because my journey is not their journey. Not an obligation at all.

I feel bad being such a weak and for having a low self esteem, perhaps a lowest esteem one can have. And at times I wonder if becoming a full pledge physician,having the license I've been wanting (and needed as well)  would help me gain the kind of  self one could ever wish for.

The supposedly working under pressure with grace are way too far from my own world. Within me is a grumpy  spirit trying to poison my own dream. I may not admit this but its true. The fear of unbecoming at times remind me that I'm out of my way. But some times I have no idea where to go or how to  stop so I can go back maybe.

My old friend who once struggled the way I am struggling succeeded already--enjoying everything life could offer him. I even seen friends overcoming their fear, the fear that continues to scare me until now. I remain to be amazed with the changes happened and is happening to them. I'm more than a decade behind everyone I know (getting old). I still had the same issues, same drama, same burdens, same status--in all aspects.

I once read somewhere online the qoute "I have a degree to prove that I am broken". That was so my life. I'm not getting any younger, my daughter is growing up and instead of earning to live, I read books while I wait for our tables to be filled with foods and my pockets with peso to spend. Too sad.

Along with this, as someone from a typical Filipino family, some relative depends on me and my soon to be earnings. And I m also looking forward to become a giver.

 So Shame on me for making them wait this long only to give up.  One of the reasons I needed to consider why I should not be giving up. 

Months to prepare... All I need is to focus.

 I may told myself a thousand of times, even more, that i can no longer handle this kind of life. I sometimes wake up in the morning complaining. And I published blog entries on how tired i am of life.

Still, in some point of each of my struggling days, I always wanted to fight  and live. The way I always wanted to.

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