Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Puto and Dinuguan

Who would not recognize this Filipino food?   

Puto and Dinuguan. In English translation: Rice cake and blood stew. As always heard, this two are too perfect for the taste of most Pinoys.

At 10:00 am today my sister went inside my bedroom like any other day that she does since the day I was discharged from the hospital. I am not acting like a princess. Perhaps it sounds exactly like one but I am actually still confined to bedrest. 

She brought me a plate with 10 pieces of “Puto” and a bowl of “dinuguan”.

My first bite was quite confusing. Maybe I heard people wrong; there was nothing special about the taste. It is rather absurd. The two won’t blend, not perfect enough for me; I can still taste them as two different foods inside my mouth. I should have eaten them separately instead.

My second bite? I tried eating a spoon of dinuguan first before I made a bite of puto. I was discontented. I wanted to savour what people are talking about. They seem to be very satisfied after each single bite they had.I wanted the experience.

Still, I tried making one bite after another. Adding more meat on top of puto also failed me.  And before I knew it, there was no more puto left anymore! That happened in less than half an hour, so you can imagine how eager I was to be delighted.

I don’t why it upsets me that much. I messaged my friends on how does puto and dinugan became a perfect combination? And how should it be eaten? Is there a proper way? Dinuguan first? Puto first? How?  A lot of them said it taste really good in any way. Some said they haven’t tried yet (quite a relief that I am not behind). I have one friend who replied me with “try Dinuguan with a bottle beer, it is much better!. That was cool.

I love eating puto. It is actually one of my favourites but not to be eaten with dinuguan. On the other hand, I rather eat dinuguan with rice. Maybe even cups and cups of rice!

I guess I needed more for tasting until I can be able to trick my own tastebuds that it is a mouth-watering as they said so.

Desperate

People always try something even it’s quite obvious… that they’ll never be pleased by the same thing that pleases other people.

Argh! Where does that come from? I was just trying to be pleased with Puto and Dinugan out here!

Full-time Applicant

I'm thinking that maybe by now... I deserve an I.D. for being a regular applicant!

 :D

This job-hunting activity is exhausting. My interview and exam @ KNSI as administrative assistant earlier today is my 10^th on the list. For the past month, I was invited for an interview for the following:

·         Customer service representative

·         Medical Transcriptionist

·         Associate in Banking Reconciliation

·         Data Analyst

·         Front Desk Officer

·         Insurance Account Specialist

·         Medical Service Reperesentative

…And I’m waiting for the rest:

·         Loan Assistant

·         Medical Representative

·         Lab technician

·         Pharmacy Assistant

·         Fraud Prevention Agent

·         Billing Specialist

·         Health Care Associate

I’m Biology degree holder and I already opened my options to all kind of jobs available. The only assurance I can offer the employers I’m applying at is that I am always willing to learn and be trained. Sad to say, I failed to pass the screenings one after another. I am such a loser. That’s why I can’t get over with HSBC thing! If only I am responsible enough maybe I already got a job today. Loser!

Anyway, I’m actually trying to disregard my sentiment for today that I stumbled on another rejection. I’m getting use to it.

OneNote

I just checked my one-note file and this is what I found! Surprisingly, I never thought I wrote this note. I'm feeling sad because it seems to me that I am always on a search. I always seek for something that is never found.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dated June 8, 2010:
"Constantly Changing" 

Each person I know is talking about how depressed our town is becoming.

As a certified lasso that established and became comfortable in a rustic ambience, my first impression was that not everyone can actually appreciate the beauty like I do. I’m the kind who desire to breathe fresh air, to walk bare-footed along the seashore, to hear early morning birds making melody. I wanted to live in a place where crickets and frogs blend their noises and are making splendid music during the evening—to live a simple life. 

Aklan can offer a lot—more than Boracay Island do.

I asked for nothing more nevertheless I’m also asking for nothing less.

Days passed by. Each day marks another day of down in the dumps. All the splendid creations vanished in a blink of an eye. Things I appreciated yesterday became the one I hate today.

I’m starting to prove them right. Maybe, those who leave for whatever reason they’re holding to had made the right decision. Maybe, those who decided to stay had no other choice but to be contented.

I wanted to run away from here and go somewhere else instead. I don’t understand why I am so desperate to abandon our town which also means to stay away from my love ones. I feel like I’m not in the right place although I know I am. God knows how confuse I am right now and how eager my heart is seeking for clarity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all...

An open letter for Lino

 Dear Lino,

How I wished that someday you could actually drop by my site to read this.(Of course that is if you have a damn idea that this is existing)

 Everyone knows how much I hated you.

How I hated myself that I wasted my time for us.

I hate you for I can’t blame you because there is no point for that. It’s another waste of time.
*Sigh*
If I could only slap you, kick your ass, and throw you away, I’ll really do. But I just can’t. All I want now is to be free from everything there was.

And if given a chance to be with you again, you know what I’m going to tell you?

Please learn to use the “no comment” line when you’re asked about us, about me, or about the past because it is over.

I wished I had the right to demand to you to forget everything about us and anything about me.

Don’t you have any idea how stressful it is on my part to hear something about our relationship before, just because you told them? I am expecting that there is still “just-between-the- two- of-us” facts even our relationship had already ended. I thought it was air-tight! 

It’s over so you should have kept it yourself instead of broadcasting it to the whole world. I know you got friends, you got our Brods , you got our Sisses. What are you trying to show them anyway?  Please! Learn to pick and throw the right thing.


And for the worst, I'm sorry to tell you that it is a gay thing to create a story to make the drama complete. I hate you for that. I really do. You're making me sad, you never failed to do so anyway. 

I can’t feel you, I even don't know you anymore…you've gone too far... or perhaps, that's the real you.
I need some respect...
For once Lino...


Sincerely,

Sis Cristy

*expect me to smile and act like I have no idea*

P.S. 
My hope is not to see you and not to hear from you especially now that I am mad.

maybe this is just because of disappointments, rejections, and pressures...

Everyone had fallen asleep. I am surrounded by friends, and we’re all doing a lot of fun. It’s already six in the morning but I can’t help it. I am crying. I don’t know why. Perhaps I am missing a lot of people right now and I am starting to appreciate how good my life was before.   I feel lonely despite the good atmosphere around. I got all those disappointments, rejections, pressures—I’m scared of what is happening to me. It seems that everything is wrong and every decision I made is stupid.

I'm longing for a hug to comfort me. crazy!
anyway... I need some rest, maybe I'll be fine then.