Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Because I have to walk away

I found myself walking alongside a busy aisle…

Everyday faces having familiar voices…

I seem to be lost in crowd but I am not…

I’m certain with each step that I took…

I know which way to go…

I’m sure of my steps…

I have seen no one to follow…

So I make my own…

I walk as slowly as I could…

Looking intently on all the things around and beside me,

Trying at my very least to identify a single ground

No one talks but I hear voices from all over the place I barely comprehend

Crowded but I feel no one…

So plain…in a simplest form of illusion

I saw one man holding a promise of good life

Once…our paths had crossed…

Our eyes once again meet…

But gone were the smiles once worn…

Meaningless….

And we walk on our own ways without leaving a word…
the silence we just made was empty...

Sometimes walking away speaks it all…

and the footprints could define them...

Short…fast… and shallow breaths…

I walk as many steps as I could…

I seem to be in a search,

in the middle of the crowd…

I don’t have to stay…

I don’t have to wait…

I can't...

I have to live...

I have to walk away…

A boy?... A girl?...

I’m eleven days earlier my appointment.

My non-productive cough got on the nerves of my mother that prompted “her” to consult me to a doctor. So to make the consultation story short, the doctor advised me to just rinse my throat with a saline solution since she found no significant findings upon auscultation—that cost me 250php already.

At least my visit served my prenatal-check as well which mean I don’t have to come back in the next two weeks anymore as scheduled. So! I am now weighing 60 kilograms and my fundal height measures 19cm. The doctor said it seems I was the only one gaining weight, not my baby. According her, I may be adequate on size but I don’t fit with the average 27-week old pregnant. I don’t really understand her. She always comes with “but’s and then’s” and after that will eventually tell me “You’re doing good, there is nothing to worry about”. I think I’ll never have a chance to like her.

In any way, I’m still looking forward to pay her a visit next month. I’m counting down the days! It’s because next month will be the month that I am going to know my baby’s gender. Cheers for that!!! Two out of ten people I know said I’m having a boy; the rest believed it’s a girl. Let us wait until next month then.

I am excited at the same time scared. Why? It’s because all this time I was bothered by the possibility of my baby to have some structural deformities.  I never knew, I never seen my baby developed…all I know is that my baby is alive and kicking. Is that enough?

Until next month… I'm praying for my baby’s good health. 

Almost over with wander-wonder years...

It’s been a good rest… a year of wander-wonder. I went to places where I hope I can find myself then marvel on whether becoming a physician can satisfy my existence. It’s quite a long time. I am also bored; I hoped everyone is aware of that.

I already made my decision on going back to med school the soonest I can but for all we know things had already changed around and within me. My decisions already depend on things beyond my control, not just on my own will unlike before. If my parents are still willing to support my studies then that will be good; If I am capable of becoming a good mother and a good student at the same time then it will be better. 

I am honestly missing the days of pursuing dreams. But if it is not really for me, I am also open to every possibilities life could offer. What really matters for me is to start again which is somewhat complicated to make but at least possible to do.

~99 days left

Today is good, much better than the previous. 

I’m not happy but at least I have no reason to feel sad. Well, there is actually… I rather choose not to be. 

My distress lies on whether if I can deliver my child normally. In which I am quite confident that I can although chances are… I have no idea what exactly will happen to me in the next three months.*crossed-fingers* (Prayers for good things along our journey)

I'm spending my days doing nothing here inside my four-sided room (aside from chatting with online buddies in the hope to free myself from boredom) while my partner on the other side of the world does everything that he can to earn a little for our expenses. Pleaded guilty for this but there is nothing I can do anyway, I can’t insist myself to make money as much as I wanted to help. 

We worry if we can afford to pay hospital bills and if we can provide our baby’s needs. I guess this is what it takes when you’re not prepared. Surprise! But instead of feeling sad I’m trying to convince myself everything will just be fine and will set the way we wanted. I know we can. We’re not geared up but that doesn’t mean we should feel bad  and regret. 

It is worth worrying... worth waiting... worth everything...

Everything is good.

 

Promise of a new life

 

The promise of a new life 

beams like the sun rising o'er the East--   

Bright, vibrant, illuminating, warm. 

The light you are destined to bring to this world 

has already brightened all our lives-- 

as it is sure to spread to every corner of this land. 

Yet, even as shadow recedes as noon approaches there 

is always somewhere not warmed by the light-- 

how unfortunate these spaces would be if not lighted

by you--the warmest radiance of all.

And, as it is that we cannot but glimpse the brightness 

of our solar friend without fear of blindness, 

neither can we gaze into your brilliance to see 

what so many tomorrows will bring. 

But the promise of discovery makes every moment elapsed 

an eternity of possibilities.

And though we cannot know what bright future

destiny holds for you, 

we can all imagine, dream, ponder. 

Yet, in the end you will choose on what celestial path 

you wish to wander. 

And, such as the stars arise from the collection 

of matter to one venue, 

So will your life be made from what you gather 

from those around you. 

Thus, though the path you choose will be your own, 

the journey of your life will never be yours alone.

 

*by Chadwick A.


 

The Tide



The scene reminds me of the poem I read years ago.



"The Tide"

(by Anonymous)

The tide recedes, but leaves behind
bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth
still lingers on the land.
The music stops, yet echoes on
in sweet, soulful refrains.
For every joy that passes,
something beautiful remains.

Behind every dark is a light.

I always fail to remember how inspiring this line is. I  tend to detest life's darkest side only to realized at the end that life could never be good without passing through those points. If it wasn't because of the pain I felt yesterday, I could not be the person I am today. If I haven't run away, I'll never be in such a wondrous place where acceptance of who I am exists.  Most of all, I'll never meet the person who made this journey worthwhile.


Life has a lot to offer if we can wait and if we can open not just our eyes but also our heart so we can appreciate what is beyond us.

Boundless Impossibility

Good Morning World!!!

Everyone down here was expecting for a heavy downpour. The surroundings gone dim and the thunder as well as the lightning had scared little kids yesterday. I was actually scared too :) Yet I found no sign that it rain—the streets dry, leaves were still covered with dust. I’m wondering where the rain poured then.

Indeed! The clouds suddenly seem to be a cosy place to stay at today, I can tell. No more thunder, and no more lightening.  Well, I’ll surely have a good view on how things are going on down here if I’m given a chance to stay up there.

I wished I could to loosen up myself—it is certainly a great place to contemplate. But what I got here is a boundless impossibility. I can never have the clouds, I can never soar the sky.

Too bad that I’m starting to believe there is no other place than being in despair—becoming hopeless to an extent that I wanted to be in the clouds to see things clearly.

Since I can not be up there, I guessed I can be contented staying here and feel lucky that I can look up for a promising sunlight that shines through the cottony clouds—after all, there is always beyond everything.

wrong side

“It’s ok”


I've been telling myself I'll be fine in time. Sounds crazy? Aye! I am talking so exactly like me. I am trying to lift up my own spirit so not to give up despite the proven fact that I am a quitter. It seems so easy to hold on things and then later ended up disappointing one’s self. I mean, to let go of something you should not. It is actually traumatic, it can make you not to hold on anymore.


I thought I’m already at peace. Well, I should have accepted the fact that I am always on the wrong side. I never had the chance to be so damn right! *sigh*


I been constructing my defences. I could have prepared myself for more. That’s exactly my point, I haven’t prepared well. I did not see things coming my way. Things I am not even sure of if it is bad or good for me. All I know right now is that I’m on a shaking ground and I am not capable of protecting myself. I wished I could though. I wished I am allowed to.


But I feel sorry that I am not.

Because no one else can

I started my day trying to correct what I thought was right. Little by little (I wished I could in no time). I am not in a hurry even in reality I am drowning myself in humiliation. I have to save myself before things get even worst. One of the lessons I learned from my parents made this times more meaningful. I was told that I should help myself in order to survive because helping others is tiring especially they’re not helping themselves. I bet they’re tired of me—I can tell.

I was lost in thought by pains and all that. I overlooked the things around me yet to be done. Some simple things that could make a difference in my life were ignored. And today, instead of spending my time in a hammock thinking of something to do, I made up my mind to do something.

I made an effort to calm myself in any way. I finally had the chance to hit the button to make a new beginning. This is how I decided to begin my new story—with  a peaceful mind. I breathe in things I needed for my survival and breathe out the burden that made my life complicated. I know this is worth trying for. The strength I needed and been looking for is just within me long before. All I have to do is scrape a little since my heart has been encrusted with angst. 

God be with our journey

 

Trust to Regain

I'm thinking if I can ever regain my parent's trust (feeling desperate).  I feel like I am such a failure, the biggest one indeed. I pleaded guilty for not working hard and for taking things for granted. I was weighed down by the generosity of my own fate.

I had no idea why I ignored my responsibilities but I'm pretty sure that I really did. My consequences can't even tell and I will not look into it.

For heaven's sake, why should I? I know I did something stupid that is why I am living my life so terribly. What matters most to me right now is for me to figure out how to get my determination back, perhaps my strength.