May mga pagkakataong pilit kong inuunawa ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Pilit hinahanapan ng sagot ang mga bagay na walang katanungan.
Hawak ko ngayon ang aklat ng buhay ko at sa aking pag-iisa, isa isa kong binuklat at binalikan ang bawat pahina. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa ako mismo ang nagsulat ng kwentong akala ko'y naging masaya, naging malungkot, naging magulo. Hindi ko mahanap ang parte ng buhay ko na iyon.
Hindi ko mahanap ang pahina kung saan ako nagsimula, hindi ko tuloy masundan ang takbo ng istorya. Mali ba ang naisulat ko? Mali ba ang nagawa kong kwento?
Kung nagkamali man ako, mabubura ko pa kaya ang naisulat ko at palitan para sumang ayon ito sa inaakala kong kwento ng buhay ko? Imihinasyon, walang katotohanan o sadya bang pilit kong tinatalikuran ang aking nakaraan?
Madalas kong mabanggit sa ibang tao "balang araw, magiging tama din ang maling maling mga nagawa ko tanggap ko lahat sa buhay ko". Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling at bakit ko nasasabi ang isang paniniwala na hindi ko pa naman lubusang naiintindihan.
Isang pahina na lang ang hindi ko pa nasusulatan. Sana sa pagkakataong 'to makasulat ako ng isang magandang kwento. Ang kwentong maipagmamalaki at maibabahagi ko balang araw.
Behind the strength I Impart is a weak spirit that set in so I can carry
on. I am not strong, but I'm struggling to be—giving all the best
that I can so I can survive. The changes of becoming and unbecoming might be
subtle. There are moment’s gone unnoticed, pain being ignored, and tears kept to
solitude. I am the picture of pretension, I may be, and yes I am.
Things are
manage differently in the hope to discover something to fill the missing links—at the
very least not to make another one. But then, things remained disconnected.
I search endlessly thus this journey exhausts me. Each morning comes with a question, as if the chirps
of the little birds outside my window are there to remind that I still got no
answer until this time. I should have it by now. Ignorance is always the most exhausting part of this journey--the "not knowing part of life"
Despite this melodramatic series I stayed to show the world that
I am good. The sadness within me will motivate me to search for a happy walk,
my weakness for my search of strength and my pain to seek for a restore.
This journey is yet to end. There are a lot to be done,
truths to be told, and dilemmas to surpass. Unending
it maybe, round and round it will always go but this long route I took will someday make me feel being rewarded.
As early as five in the morning today, I walk down the road heading
myself to Olivares plaza where I took my ride home from an overnight friend visit. The road was busy as it is always, the
only thing that was new to my senses was the cold air that I breathed—one unpleasant morning
walk representing my life. I’m aspiring for comfort at the end
of this journey.
What am I here for anyway? I pushed everyone away out of my life. I decided to live my life on my own and now bothered with realization that I had no other reason why I'm living my life. All I know is that I needed to survive, for whatever reason it may be... I also hope to know.
I'm having one of those days when crying makes me feel better as if it washes pain away. Pain that in reality is insignificant. How can I consider myself being empty when I feel like exploding?
When things confused me this way—I wished I could run away. I
am thinking of going out of town. Travel alone and come back when I feel good and when everything is clear. This
time though, I can’t do things in an instant. I have my obligations and of
course I’m broke!
One thousand
and twenty two days passed by. I can’t remember how it was. I can no longer
feel the pain… half of the misery is gone. I’m alive. I survived. I journey along
with this unspeakable story. Half untold and some part was considered to be
true by some for I once live my life two-faced to appear good because I simply needed
to. I settled hoping that someday I could find a good reason. Reasons that will
make me appreciate my existence.
I departed
from this life many times. One chapter from another—always hoping to have a good
start but never ended as desired. I’ve been through to a lot of humiliation almost
with the same old reasons. From pieces into pieces, I am—I was never mended and never
been fixed. Broken identity I used to have and will always is. This is my story—the
story I hated most.
One thousand
and twenty two days counting to one thousand and twenty three in two hours. I
was reminded by everything there was. One thing I realized is that the feeling
of confusion lingered all this time. The hatred, the blame, and the regrets I had,
and the forgiveness I longed is still with me. I want to be forgiven… I always
wanted to forgive but then again I hate, I blame, and top of this I never learned
to accept my failure.
I
started a new chapter hoping to forget the other. In my hope that I could
correct whatever is to be corrected from the previous. The major mistake I ever
made. Until this time, I admit that I am not ready thus created conflicts one
after another.
Someday,
that early chapter of my life will end peacefully.
"...So if you
are repeatedly encountering obstacles when trying ....to achieve a goal, or
finish a project, today you should consider just taking a pass. Stop banging
your head against that brick wall..."
I am always stunned when people bombard
me with questions like I needed to explain my life to them. Is it really my
obligation to explain publicly? To tell the whole world about what is going on,
what happened and what are the possibilities in my life? All I really want is a
good start, this may be impossible to do, but as much as I can I wanted to be
very discrete about my private life. I live mine; you live yours… and let us
just meet along whenever we have something in common to talk about—but to question
my ways is out of every body’s business.
If obliged, then my answer would be very simple…I'm here because I
learned how to pause for awhile. I realized that we are allowed
to take some rest. I learned that each time the road of life gone dark you don’t
have to force yourself to go on with the journey. Life is not a dash. I know how it feels to be
exhausted and I know exactly how disappointing it is to fail after a try—when you struggled to do things half-hearted due to exhaustion. It’s a big NO to continue committing
when you’re not interested anymore. It’s not bad to change plans, life is not
certain and you can’t too. What matters most is how you deal with the changes.
I learned that a relax mind is
very effective to see things clearly. We don’t have to feel the rocky road and
make a painful adventure… we have our mind so we can understand things and eyes
so we cans see things coming our way—dark road makes a tiring journey. There are brighter roads, choose the right one.
“Choosing to live
your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”
A lot of things had changed. I am
now living all alone... yes! all by myself at home everyday. Sometimes i do wonder if I really should consider it as a home, or it is just rather a place to shelter me every night. I find it hard although it is more comfortable on my part
to live this way. I have no one to worry about and I can now do things according
to my will without having to hurt anyone—that is, without taking into account the convenience
of other people. I don’t belong to someone and at the same time I am nobody’s master.
It may be tiring to take care of one’s
self after a long day of work, and it is rather depressing too eating a meal unaccompanied.
But the pain from the past when I was
still surrounded by everyone is simply unbearable that I am determined to stand
alone instead of leaning on a weak wall. All I need to do right now is to stay
strong… because I have no one beside me; I have no one to depend to.
This is my choice—I got it—my desire to make
a choice. I am indeed on “other side”, perhaps miles apart from the one I used to. But this kind of life is worth living because I’ve been through a lot to establish this. I am trying to adopt this kind, and my hope is to survive.
Crazy-lazy-future MD is happening no more. By fault or by fate, chances of not becoming a future M.D. is way too high. Beyond the doubts that I’m having is an understanding of how I’ve been. My acceptance (perhaps) of what I am worthy of . "Doc Tim" is not meant to be,...at all. True to the fact that I had took things for granted, I acted
like I had nothing to worry about despite the fact that there was, and for being the kind of student who never waited for weekends to party,
go to classroom to sleep, go shopping after class, and stayed up late
on-line--all of these are proofs that I never valued what I have started. I did lost my determination to become one of the greatest physician of our town. I failed because I prioritized what should not.
Sounds like a denial to defend myself or a justification perhaps, whatever this may be… it makes me plead guilty for something...argh! I do not understand why I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling bad that I struggled to earn a BS Biology degree, went to a Medical school... and now working as an admin assistant. Isn't that too great? Don't get me wrong, It's not my work per se that makes me feel this bad.
No one told me that I can be one of the underemployed not because of my capacity but because there is such an "employer's fear" of hiring someone who haven't completed her post graduate school requirements YET--that such level will be as good as a "High School Undergraduate". I am often distracted by my educational background, especially how other people treats me as a college undergraduate. It bothers me too good and is degrading me. Although I have no intention to defend my profile--because I always believed that no one deserves to access the details behind this journey. I am not delivering a speech to explain what was done. There will never be a public explanation on why's and how's. A nod is enough, I'll let people believe what they want to believe but still I am going to fight for what I think is right.
I
decided to eat my lunch two hours earlier than usual. I
spent my 50-minute lunch break at my desk for a supposed indispensable
self assessment. My mind, having been over powered by my emotions,
no longer functions.
If only the trunk line at my desk could favor me, I would probably make an urgent call to the luckiest person that I know to ask if HE is there. Why that
desperate? Because direct calls doesn’t work anymore.
But guess what...Every time I tried to stop calling on HIM it made disappointments acceptable and my burden lighter--maybe because I was not expecting of someone watching for my safe journey. Sometimes, the feeling of being alone can keep you going--it can make you strong like you never thought you can be.
I just don't know why I was so tempted to call him this time...
In
2007, a long and a winding road had given me enough reason to sign up for a site. "cristymay.multiply.com" became my hiding place, my bin for my trashes, my megaphone for my shouts. It was always a
relief by then to hang out online and let go of ramblings from time
to time. Those were the times I felt I was heard and understood because a
lot of my contacts tend to connect with me almost sincerely. My posts gathered comments like “yeah, I know how it
feels” or I always had a shoulder tap from a friend the very next day while saying “hey, I read your blog”.
In
2009 I decided to concentrate on posting pictures than posting blog entries in
the thought that pictures do make a thousand of words. For three years I posted
158 photo albums all in all. Not bad for someone like me who only got a 2.0 mega
pixel camera phone to take pictures.
But
sometimes too much of connections can be annoying especially readers tend t
visit for an update or to clarify the gossips they just heard and not really
into relating their lives into yours. My hiding place became crappy. So I longed for privacy. As a
result I limited myself on just posting pictures at multiply then transferred
all my blog entries at blogger where no friends follow me.
Now that I'm having the privacy that I wanted, I'm feeling stupid that no one responses on my posts. I was wondering if there is someone
out there who reads my posts. I wonder how it feels again to be understood and
be heard. Sometimes i just reassure myself
that I don't need readers at all because I am writing to help myself in making attributions on tricky
situations.
The
bottom line of this is that I am a natural being who will never have a sense of
satisfaction—always wanting the “other” thing.
It's 2:58 in the morning. I yawned many times, feel so drowsy and wanted to sleep unfortunately I'm still here surfing because I don't want to just lay in bed and be drown with dramatic thoughts. I know its not accurate nor never will be reliable but I had it answered anyway.
I watched three movies today. Oh miss this kind of days
where I woke up late, drink coffee during lunch time and fall asleep while the
movie plays. This is weekend—I can entirely
feel what it means. I was also invited to go out by my sisters,
which I honestly missed being with, but I was persistent in ignoring them. Its not that I am tired over the weekdays at
work, I just don’t feel going out and go home intoxicated otherwise wasted not
to go home at all. Besides, I wanted to break my record to stay alcohol-free—been
for a month already. I don’t want wake
up wasted while my surrounding spins—needless to mention the “throw-up-all-day”
and “couch-comfort room-couch” moments. So yeah! I contented myself watching
downloaded movies instead of doing all that. My preference is changing and I had nothing to
argue about it.
I miss being with my Beta Sigma Ladies
Of course, I don’t want to go out because I’m learning and wanted
to practice saying “NO”. I should really
have to follow my own impulse instead of prioritizing other people’s need or
wants. Sometimes, it pays to close our
eyes so not to see, shut our mouth not to speak, and cover our ears not to hear—it
can make a difference. I’m over being the “Kaladkarin”
type—I mean the one who
believes that Because you’re my sister and I love you I’ll go
wherever you wanted to go, and do whatever you wanted to do even if it will mess
up my plans. This time let’s make
some changes because I feel a little tired of risking my own life for the
convenience of others. Don’t get me
wrong, this is not the end of my social life.
I Love them and i honestly miss them. I’m not pushing them away and I am not turning my
back. I just don’t want to be taken this way—there were times that I was in
need that they did not showed up despite the fact that I was always willing to
sacrifice when they needed me. (I thought so...) I’ll be assessing if I had done something to be
treated this way. I’ll stand corrected
if there is.
I’m going to have two days of off from work starting tomorrow. I actually don’t know what it will be like after I considered
that maybe (just maybe) it was necessary for me to work 7 days in a row, one after another so I can
free myself from unwanted emotions. I
was so troubled anticipating the impending a supposed mind-numbing weekend. It made me sad
especially now that I am aware of how exhausting it is to do nothing than
having a long day at work. In the midst
of my concern, I went to the nearest loading station, bought a 300 pesos worth
of prepaid card, registered to Globe tattoo’s supersurf220 because I’m going to
spend my weekend surfing the net. I’m planning to search for some online tips
regarding phone etiquettes and customer service. I obliged myself to improve on my
communication skills (badly needed for my work).
I figured out today (out of my desperation to make each day meaningful) that a boring day is an off beam choice.
There is no such a “my life is a bore” statement. Remember that there is always a
way to make every single day worthwhile, just choose the right one..
Hypocrisy aside, I wished I had a 24/7 work schedule. Being
at work is a therapy—I’m learning the art of focusing on things that matters
most and setting aside those that matters least. However, I can’t deny the fact
that it is just a momentary relief because at the end of day there’s reality. The
times that I haven’t blog were the times I was in my bed crying myself to
sleep. And like those nights, the silence now can possibly take me somewhere at the
middle of nowhere. This time though, I don’t want to be around out there because starting
tonight, there will be no tears, no sighs, and no regrets. I had enough.
Things are getting more serious at the office. Every seconds
of working hours matters. A 5-minute time before a break takes so long. Believe
me. I’m not bored since there are a lot of things yet to get done. The working environment is too occupied to give a room for a little
laugh. Although at times I laugh on my own mistakes, giggle over the funny conversations
I overheard from my officemates, and make fun out of anything there is even it
is not funny anymore. Everyday is a “bloopers day” for me.
By the way, have you ever been in a situation where everyone around is in damn silence and consequently you
wanted to burst out for laughter with no reason at all? Yeah! I’ve been there all the time... Most of the time...The office
is driving me crazy!
In addition, things are getting more serious because I can
actually feel how hierarchy works among us. I am actually after everyone else
at the line. Of course, I have a lighter job than my co-workers since their
work requires intellect. Frankly speaking, I feel envious that they can make
use of their neurons to do heavy loads of work while all I need is to follow
their orders then my day is over. In any way, I haven’t perfected my assignments
until now thus I have no right to feel that way. Hey! I’m no super hero, I had
to deal with a lot of bosses, and I had a lot of missions to accomplish before
the day ends so they shouldn’t expect me to learn everything over the weekend.
Lastly, things are getting more serious in the sense that I am
now into a responsibility. I promised my nephew for a year of schooling fee so that
means there will be no more Starbucks, shopping, Malling, and goodbye to my drinking buddies. It is
time to make a worthy sacrifice. *sigh* I need a lot budgeting to do.
Today I am going to talk about how my bad my Monday went at
the office. This is not the usual complaint of Monday-haters! I don’t even have
the idea yet why a lot of employees hates the first day of the week. Mine went
good until a new task was assigned. I was asked to proctor for a pre-employment
exam of applicants. I felt disappointed on checking their papers but this kind
of task is not new to me since I was one of the trusted students to check
papers since my grade school up to my secondary. I was then assigned to conduct
an initial interview. I had fun throwing questions and clarifying their
submitted data although I can feel that I still have to gain more confident to
be more effective. Sounds easy, right? Indeed it was.
Now the hardest on my part was to become a bearer of bad news.
I received a lot of memorandum telling me they already found a better candidate
or I scored low on the exam, so I know how it feels. As much as I wanted to be pleasant, my obligation
contradicts. I have to inform them that we can’t go further with their
application. I feel bad but I have to be professional in dealing with such
pressure. What I realized is that I need to loosen-up my affection next time
because it is shaping me to distraction—I had a hard time concentrating on my other
tasks after the experience. Felt bad...
Let me mark this day
as a noteworthy point of my journey. Because… I am now going to turn over my
crown to someone not of my concern. There
will be no “coronation night”. Let the finder of my crown do the job for
herself.
You read it right! Starting today I am no longer a princess
like I always believed I was. I started to live a very different life from
being addicted to Starbucks coffee to being a coffee server at the office; from
being the harshest caller of customer services to a polite manager of phone
calls. Let us make this simple, my role turned upside down, literally!
I feel good with my new responsibilities and
I love the feeling of making accomplishments everyday. Dude, you don’t need to become a princess to be contented.
To
end this *MWAH* my goodbye kiss to my bittersweet life
It feels like my energy level is running down too fast. At 8:00m A.M. today on my 2nd day of work I’m a dead beat. But here I am a heavy-eyed freak ready for another shout.
My intention is not to let everyone know of my background on my purpose to seek for a new beginning. But to my concern, although I still hope it’s not for “everyone”, my profile is an open-book by now. My anxiety lies on their interest to know the reason behind my decision why I quit medicine and had chosen to work instead. Just the same questions I’m asking myself. The only certain as of now is that I’m putting that dilemma out-of-my-way for awhile. Someday, because I should, I will make sense of what I’m doing right now. I’m having a break for goodness sake.
I’m not condemning those who started to look into on my profile because for all we know it’s a normality to make the new one the talk-of-the-town isn’t it? Do I sound conceited? I’m sorry for that. I just want to speak my mind because it feels like I was taken aback. Maybe I was expecting a “confidentiality thing” like of a medical records. Yeah right, it’s not a medical record to keep private. How nuts I am to make such kind of assumption.
