November 5, 2010

"Huling pahina"

May mga pagkakataong pilit kong inuunawa ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Pilit hinahanapan ng sagot ang mga bagay na walang katanungan.

Hawak ko ngayon ang aklat ng buhay ko at  sa aking pag-iisa, isa isa kong binuklat at binalikan ang bawat pahina. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa ako mismo ang nagsulat ng kwentong akala ko'y naging masaya, naging malungkot, naging magulo. Hindi ko mahanap ang parte ng buhay ko na iyon.

Hindi ko mahanap ang pahina kung saan ako nagsimula, hindi ko tuloy masundan ang takbo ng istorya. Mali ba ang naisulat ko? Mali ba ang nagawa kong kwento?

Kung nagkamali man ako, mabubura ko pa kaya ang naisulat ko at palitan para sumang ayon ito sa inaakala kong kwento ng buhay ko? Imihinasyon, walang katotohanan o sadya bang pilit kong tinatalikuran ang aking nakaraan?

Madalas kong mabanggit sa ibang tao "balang araw, magiging tama din ang maling maling mga nagawa ko tanggap ko lahat sa buhay ko". Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling at bakit ko nasasabi ang isang paniniwala na hindi ko pa naman lubusang naiintindihan.

Isang pahina na lang ang hindi ko pa nasusulatan. Sana sa pagkakataong 'to makasulat ako ng isang magandang kwento. Ang kwentong maipagmamalaki at maibabahagi ko balang araw.


October 30, 2010

My Weakness becoming my strength

Behind the strength I Impart is a weak spirit that set in so I can carry on. I am not strong, but I'm struggling to be—giving all the best that I can so I can survive. The changes of becoming and unbecoming might be subtle. There are moment’s gone unnoticed, pain being ignored, and tears kept to solitude. I am the picture of pretension, I may be, and yes I am.

Things are manage differently in the hope to discover something to fill the missing links—at the very least not to make another one. But then, things remained disconnected.

I search endlessly thus this journey exhausts me. Each morning comes with a question, as if the chirps of the little birds outside my window are there to remind that I still got no answer until this time. I should have it by now. Ignorance is always the most exhausting part of this journey--the "not knowing part of life"

Despite this melodramatic series I stayed to show the world that I am good. The sadness within me will motivate me to search for a happy walk, my weakness for my search of strength and my pain to seek for a restore.

This journey is yet to end. There are a lot to be done, truths to be told, and dilemmas to surpass.   Unending it maybe, round and round it will always go but this long route I took will someday make me feel being rewarded.  

October 19, 2010

Can't run


As early as five in the morning today, I walk down the road heading myself to Olivares plaza where I took my ride home from an overnight friend visit. The road was busy as it  is always, the only thing that was new to my senses was the cold air that I breathed—one unpleasant morning walk representing my life. I’m aspiring for comfort at the end of this journey.  
What am I here for anyway? I pushed everyone away out of my life. I decided to live my life on my own and now bothered with realization that I had no other reason why I'm living my life. All I know is that I needed to survive, for whatever reason it may be... I also hope to know.


I'm having one of those days when crying makes me feel better as if it washes pain away. Pain that in reality is insignificant.  How can I consider myself being empty when I feel like exploding? 
When things confused me this way—I wished I could run away. I am thinking of going out of town. Travel alone and come back when I feel good and when everything is clear. This time though, I can’t do things in an instant. I have my obligations and of course I’m broke!

October 11, 2010

From pieces into pieces....

One thousand and twenty two days passed by. I can’t remember how it was. I can no longer feel the pain… half of the misery is gone. I’m alive. I survived. I journey along with this unspeakable story. Half untold and some part was considered to be true by some for I once live my life two-faced to appear good because I simply needed to. I settled hoping that someday I could find a good reason. Reasons that will make me appreciate my existence.

I departed from this life many times. One chapter from another—always hoping to have a good start but never ended as desired. I’ve been through to a lot of humiliation almost with the same old reasons. From pieces into pieces, I am—I was never mended and never been fixed. Broken identity I used to have and will always is. This is my story—the story I hated most.

One thousand and twenty two days counting to one thousand and twenty three in two hours. I was reminded by everything there was. One thing I realized is that the feeling of confusion lingered all this time. The hatred, the blame, and the regrets I had, and the forgiveness I longed is still with me. I want to be forgiven… I always wanted to forgive but then again I hate, I blame, and top of this I never learned to accept my failure.

I started a new chapter hoping to forget the other. In my hope that I could correct whatever is to be corrected from the previous. The major mistake I ever made. Until this time, I admit that I am not ready thus created conflicts one after another.

Someday, that early chapter of my life will end peacefully.




October 9, 2010

Taking a pass...

"...So if you are repeatedly encountering obstacles when trying ....to achieve a goal, or finish a project, today you should consider just taking a pass. Stop banging your head against that brick wall..."
I am always stunned when people bombard me with questions like I needed to explain my life to them. Is it really my obligation to explain publicly? To tell the whole world about what is going on, what happened and what are the possibilities in my life? All I really want is a good start, this may be impossible to do, but as much as I can I wanted to be very discrete about my private life. I live mine; you live yours… and let us just meet along whenever we have something in common to talk about—but to question my ways is out of every body’s business.
If obliged, then my answer would be very simple…I'm here because I learned how to pause for awhile. I realized that we are allowed to take some rest. I learned that each time the road of life gone dark you don’t have to force yourself to go on with the journey.  Life is not a dash. I know how it feels to be exhausted and I know exactly how disappointing it is to fail after a try—when you struggled to do things half-hearted due to exhaustion. It’s a big NO to continue committing when you’re not interested anymore. It’s not bad to change plans, life is not certain and you can’t too. What matters most is how you deal with the changes.  
I learned that a relax mind is very effective to see things clearly. We don’t have to feel the rocky road and make a painful adventure… we have our mind so we can understand things and eyes so we cans see things coming our way—dark road makes a tiring journey. There are brighter roads, choose the right one. 

September 6, 2010

Choice

Home Sweet Home all alone
 “Choosing to live your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”
A lot of things had changed. I am now living all alone... yes! all by myself at home everyday. Sometimes i do wonder if I really should consider it as a home, or it is just rather a place to shelter me every night. I find it hard although it is more comfortable on my part to live this way. I have no one to worry about and I can now do things according to my will without having to hurt anyone—that is, without taking into account the convenience of other people. I don’t belong to someone and at the same time I am nobody’s master.

It may be tiring to take care of one’s self after a long day of work, and it is rather depressing too eating a meal unaccompanied.  But the pain from the past when I was still surrounded by everyone is simply unbearable that I am determined to stand alone instead of leaning on a weak wall. All I need to do right now is to stay strong… because I have no one beside me; I have no one to depend to.

This is my choice—I got it—my desire to make a choice.  I am indeed on “other side”, perhaps miles apart from the one I used to. But this kind of life is worth living because I’ve been through a lot to establish this. I am trying to adopt this kind, and my hope is to survive.

September 2, 2010

Confession of a crazy-lazy-future-"..."

Crazy-lazy-future MD is happening no more. By fault or by fate, chances of  not becoming a future M.D. is way too high. Beyond the doubts that I’m having is an understanding of how I’ve been. My acceptance (perhaps) of what I am worthy of .  "Doc Tim" is not meant to be,...at all. True to the fact that I had took things for granted, I acted like I had nothing to worry about despite the fact that there was, and for being the kind of student who never waited for weekends to party, go to classroom to sleep, go shopping after class, and stayed up late on-line--all of these are proofs that I never valued what I have started. I did lost my determination to become one of the greatest physician of our town. I failed because I prioritized what should not.

Sounds like a denial to defend myself or a justification perhaps, whatever this may be… it makes me plead guilty for something...argh! I do not understand why I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling bad that I struggled  to earn a BS Biology degree, went to a Medical school... and now working as an admin assistant. Isn't that too great? Don't get me wrong, It's not my work per se that makes me feel this bad.

No one told me that I can be one of the underemployed not because of my capacity but because there is such an "employer's fear" of hiring someone who haven't completed her post graduate school requirements  YET--that such level will be as good as a "High School Undergraduate". I am often distracted by my educational background, especially how other people treats me as a college undergraduate.  It bothers me too good and is degrading me. Although I have no intention to defend my profile--because I always believed that no one deserves to access the details behind this journey. I am not delivering a speech to explain what was done. There will never be a public explanation on why's and how's. A nod is enough, I'll let people believe what they want to believe but still I am going to fight for what I think is right.

August 28, 2010

Hello, Is HE there?

I decided to eat my lunch two hours earlier than usual. I spent my 50-minute lunch break at my desk for a supposed indispensable self assessment.  My mind, having been over powered by my emotions, no longer functions.

 If only the trunk line at my desk could favor me, I would probably make an urgent call  to the luckiest person that I know to ask if HE is there. Why that desperate? Because direct calls doesn’t work anymore.  

 
But guess what...Every time I tried to stop calling on HIM it made disappointments acceptable and my burden lighter--maybe because I was not expecting of someone watching for my safe journey.  Sometimes, the feeling of being alone can keep you going--it can make you strong like you never thought you can be.

I just don't know why I was so tempted to call him this time...

Fine,  I'll  try again later.



August 25, 2010

always wanting the “other” thing

In 2007, a long and  a winding road had given me enough reason to sign up for a site. "cristymay.multiply.com" became my hiding place, my bin for my trashes, my megaphone for my shouts. It was always a relief by then to hang out online and let go of ramblings from time to time. Those were the times I felt I was heard and understood because a lot of my contacts tend to connect with me almost sincerely. My posts gathered comments like “yeah, I know how it feels” or  I always had a shoulder tap from a friend the very next day while saying “hey, I read your blog”.

In 2009 I decided to concentrate on posting pictures than posting blog entries in the thought that pictures do make a thousand of words. For three years I posted 158 photo albums all in all. Not bad for someone like me who only got a 2.0 mega pixel camera phone to take pictures.


But sometimes too much of connections can be annoying especially readers tend t visit for an update or to clarify the gossips they just heard and not really into relating their lives into yours. My hiding place became crappy. So I longed for privacy. As a result I limited myself on just posting pictures at multiply then transferred all my blog entries at blogger where no friends follow me.

Now that I'm having the privacy that I wanted, I'm feeling stupid that no one responses on my posts. I was wondering if there is someone out there who reads my posts. I wonder how it feels again to be understood and be heard. Sometimes i just reassure myself that I don't need readers at all because I am writing to help myself in making attributions on tricky situations.

The bottom line of this is that I am a natural being who will never have a sense of satisfaction—always wanting the “other” thing.

August 24, 2010

Such a boring day...

To sum it up, I spent (almost) four hours spinning my chair doing nothing...

August 23, 2010

Time Check

Six in the morning,
Picked up my phone to switch off the alarm...
Jumped off from bed thinking I’ll be late
I'm 10-minutes away from work by a tricycle
It’s Monday..I sighed a lot...
thanks heaven I had a cup of coffee—A good way to  start another week.

While I hurriedly walked down the street in 7:10 AM
I sent a group message saying
“Good morning! Cheers to those who are late”
9 of 47 recipients had replied.
I'm not sure of what to feel...
Good? because friends remained...
Guilty? for being a little loud...

At 7:20 I served three Japanese with cups of coffee and a tea...
I got bowing heads and mumbling,
their way to say "Thank you Cristy"
for I came early even my actual work starts at 8:00...
I don't know.

At 7: 25 I went downstairs greeting everyone I met along...
Sweet morning smiles.
Others just passed by me...
Perhaps there were really who walk with bowed heads!
They needed that to watch their steps carefully, aye!

DJ's time checked was 7:27
I was in the lobby listening to my favorite radio station
Put in the earphone, maximized the volume and close my eyes till 8:45
I heard nothing but music,
I felt nothing but myself smiling...
My composure remained...

 9:30 A.M. at my desk
I was tempted to turn on the radio again
I was bored.
I had filed every pending document…
Follow-up calls to all service providers…
Complained to a telecommunication office…
Ordered jobs to repair the broken facilities…
Photocopied forms of all kinds for the employees…
I hated sitting, spinning my chair.

Coffee break at 10:00
Prepared cups of coffee once more
I served silently... wore a smile...
No more bowing heads, no more mumbling
At that early, I felt how exhausted everyone was

At 10:05 I was inside the ladies room
Washed my face…
Sprayed perfume on my neck and rubbed some on my wrist…
Applied lip gloss and facial powder to finalize it all …

I told the woman standing in front of me
 “Please, be strong”
I saw her eyes full of emptiness but she smiled back
I guessed my words made her cry inside
I touched another heart

10:15 the bell rang for the second break
Went back to my desk
It was the peak time for all telephone calls
I kept myself busy entertaining…
Taking and relaying message…
Transferring phone calls from one department to another

Lights still off at 12:45 PM
Everyone’s lurched on their desk for a nap
I was, on the other hand listening to the music on radio
I closed my eyes and felt it
Every melody sinks in me
And then phone rang by the time I almost drowned to nothingness

I turned on the light at exactly 12:50
Everyone’s back to work
Turned off the radio, put it under my desk in exchange of my cap
I went downstairs to visit the timekeeper officer
I brought with me the over time request sheet filed by every employer
Went back to my desk…
 Stamped to receive the requests
Sort by departments
Filed to folders according to effectivity dates
I was done in 30 minutes or so

At 1:00 PM I was roving to check the company’s premises
I walked under the heat of the sun
A cloudy day it was
Clouds resembles a baby playing an airplane
In one moment it became an angry dragon
I walked and sighed
I thought how fast things can change
Again I look up into the sky
It was gone
Again I thought some things are too good to stay

At 1: 25
25 minutes I was sitting at the canteen’s long table
A proctor, I was, for pre-employment examination
I traveled back in time instead of watching over
For 25 minutes I was the person weakened by shame
A coward who walked away from humiliation
Left with crooked principles
Standing in a shaky ground

Filed… Sorted… Stamped receive.... filed
Messages relayed, some were sent
Compilations completed
The bell rang at exactly 5:00 pm
Another day at the office has ended


August 22, 2010

Hello Telephone

I had here a list of phone etiquette transcribed from YouTube videos.

Personality Disorder Test

It's 2:58 in the morning. I yawned many times, feel so drowsy and wanted to sleep unfortunately I'm still here surfing because I don't want to just lay in bed and be drown with dramatic thoughts. I know its not accurate nor never will be reliable but I had it answered anyway. 

August 21, 2010

Since you’re my sister I’ll go wherever you wanted to go, and do whatever you wanted to

I watched three movies today. Oh miss this kind of days where I woke up late, drink coffee during lunch time and fall asleep while the movie plays.  This is weekend—I can entirely feel what it means.   I was also invited to go out by my sisters, which I honestly missed being with, but I was persistent in ignoring them.  Its not that I am tired over the weekdays at work, I just don’t feel going out and go home intoxicated otherwise wasted not to go home at all. Besides, I wanted to break my record to stay alcohol-free—been for a month already.  I don’t want wake up wasted while my surrounding spins—needless to mention the “throw-up-all-day” and “couch-comfort room-couch” moments. So yeah! I contented myself watching downloaded movies instead of doing all that.  My preference is changing and I had nothing to argue about it.
I miss being with my Beta Sigma Ladies
Of course, I don’t want to go out because I’m learning and wanted to practice saying “NO”.  I should really have to follow my own impulse instead of prioritizing other people’s need or wants.  Sometimes, it pays to close our eyes so not to see, shut our mouth not to speak, and cover our ears not to hear—it can make a difference. I’m over being the “Kaladkarin”  type—I mean the one who believes that  Because you’re my sister  and I love you I’ll go wherever you wanted to go, and do whatever you wanted to do even if it will mess up my plans.  This time let’s make some changes because I feel a little tired of risking my own life for the convenience of others.   Don’t get me wrong, this is not the end of my social life.  I Love them and i honestly miss them. I’m not pushing them away and I am not turning my back. I just don’t want to be taken this way—there were times that I was in need that they did not showed up despite the fact that I was always willing to sacrifice when they needed me. (I thought so...) I’ll be assessing if I had done something to be treated this way.  I’ll stand corrected if there is.

August 20, 2010

HAPPY LONG WEEKEND :)


I’m going to have two days of off from work starting tomorrow.  I actually don’t know what it will be like after I considered that maybe (just maybe) it was necessary for me to work 7 days in a row, one after another so I can free myself from unwanted emotions.  I was so troubled anticipating the impending a supposed mind-numbing weekend. It made me sad especially now that I am aware of how exhausting it is to do nothing than having a long day at work.  In the midst of my concern, I went to the nearest loading station, bought a 300 pesos worth of prepaid card, registered to Globe tattoo’s supersurf220 because I’m going to spend my weekend surfing the net. I’m planning to search for some online tips regarding phone etiquettes and customer service.  I obliged myself to improve on my communication skills (badly needed for my work). 
I figured out today (out of my desperation to make each day meaningful) that a boring day is an off beam choice.  There is no such a “my life is a bore” statement. Remember that there is always a way to make every single day worthwhile, just choose the right one..
Have a happy weekend everyone!

August 18, 2010

24/7 work schedule!!!


Hypocrisy aside, I wished I had a 24/7 work schedule. Being at work is a therapy—I’m learning the art of focusing on things that matters most and setting aside those that matters least. However, I can’t deny the fact that it is just a momentary relief because at the end of day there’s reality. The times that I haven’t blog were the times I was in my bed crying myself to sleep. And like those nights, the silence now can possibly take me somewhere at the middle of nowhere. This time though, I don’t want to be around out there because starting tonight, there will be no tears, no sighs, and no regrets. I had enough.

August 11, 2010

Things are getting more serious...


seriously?!!?
Things are getting more serious at the office. Every seconds of working hours matters. A 5-minute time before a break takes so long. Believe me. I’m not bored since there are a lot of things yet to get done. The working environment is too occupied to give a room for a little laugh. Although at times I laugh on my own mistakes, giggle over the funny conversations I overheard from my officemates, and make fun out of anything there is even it is not funny anymore. Everyday is a “bloopers day” for me. 


By the way, have you ever been in a situation where everyone around is in damn silence and consequently you wanted to burst out for laughter with no reason at all?  Yeah! I’ve been there all the time... Most of the time...The office is driving me crazy!
In addition, things are getting more serious because I can actually feel how hierarchy works among us. I am actually after everyone else at the line. Of course, I have a lighter job than my co-workers since their work requires intellect. Frankly speaking, I feel envious that they can make use of their neurons to do heavy loads of work while all I need is to follow their orders then my day is over. In any way, I haven’t perfected my assignments until now thus I have no right to feel that way. Hey! I’m no super hero, I had to deal with a lot of bosses, and I had a lot of missions to accomplish before the day ends so they shouldn’t expect me to learn everything over the weekend.
Lastly, things are getting more serious in the sense that I am now into a responsibility. I promised my nephew for a year of schooling fee so that means there will be no more Starbucks, shopping, Malling, and goodbye to my drinking buddies. It is time to make a worthy sacrifice. *sigh* I need a lot budgeting to do.

August 9, 2010

The Messenger

Today I am going to talk about how my bad my Monday went at the office. This is not the usual complaint of Monday-haters! I don’t even have the idea yet why a lot of employees hates the first day of the week. Mine went good until a new task was assigned. I was asked to proctor for a pre-employment exam of applicants. I felt disappointed on checking their papers but this kind of task is not new to me since I was one of the trusted students to check papers since my grade school up to my secondary. I was then assigned to conduct an initial interview. I had fun throwing questions and clarifying their submitted data although I can feel that I still have to gain more confident to be more effective. Sounds easy, right? Indeed it was.

Now the hardest on my part was to become a bearer of bad news. I received a lot of memorandum telling me they already found a better candidate or I scored low on the exam, so I know how it feels.  As much as I wanted to be pleasant, my obligation contradicts. I have to inform them that we can’t go further with their application. I feel bad but I have to be professional in dealing with such pressure. What I realized is that I need to loosen-up my affection next time because it is shaping me to distraction—I had a hard time concentrating on my other tasks after the experience. Felt bad...

August 7, 2010

A Princess No More


Let me mark this day as a noteworthy point of my journey. Because… I am now going to turn over my crown to someone not of my concern.  There will be no “coronation night”. Let the finder of my crown do the job for herself.
You read it right! Starting today I am no longer a princess like I always believed I was. I started to live a very different life from being addicted to Starbucks coffee to being a coffee server at the office; from being the harshest caller of customer services to a polite manager of phone calls. Let us make this simple, my role turned upside down, literally!  

I feel good with my new responsibilities and I love the feeling of making accomplishments everyday. Dude, you don’t need to become a princess to be contented.
To end this *MWAH* my goodbye kiss to my bittersweet life


 

August 5, 2010

Day 2: talk-of-the-town

It feels like my energy level is running down too fast. At 8:00m A.M. today on my 2nd day of work I’m a dead beat. But here I am a heavy-eyed freak ready for another shout. My intention is not to let everyone know of my background on my purpose to seek for a new beginning. But to my concern, although I still hope it’s not for “everyone”, my profile is an open-book by now. My anxiety lies on their interest to know the reason behind my decision why I quit medicine and had chosen to work instead. Just the same questions I’m asking myself. The only certain as of now is that I’m putting that dilemma out-of-my-way for awhile. Someday, because I should, I will make sense of what I’m doing right now. I’m having a break for goodness sake. I’m not condemning those who started to look into on my profile because for all we know it’s a normality to make the new one the talk-of-the-town isn’t it? Do I sound conceited? I’m sorry for that. I just want to speak my mind because it feels like I was taken aback. Maybe I was expecting a “confidentiality thing” like of a medical records. Yeah right, it’s not a medical record to keep private. How nuts I am to make such kind of assumption.

August 4, 2010

Day 1: QUESTIONS HERE AND THERE

Things didn’t turn the way I expected. It was fun sorting files, escorting visitors, serving them coffee, and answering the unending phone calls for different departments.
Since I am not familiar using intercom to transfer and divert calls I hang up on the first five callers, I think! But then I got myself used to it—I can now handle messages and relay them to my superiors effectively.  
To know everyone at the office personally is rather impossible since there is a limited chance of talking to each other. Besides, the only reason I talk to them is to whenever I needed some clarification and confirmation regarding the tasks assigned to me. Every so often, I was hesitant to approach them in the thought that I might interrupt and annoyed them—that I don’t want to happen! I know how it feels to have somebody beside me who ask a lot when in fact the answer is just there. Stupid questions deserve stupid answers! But then, since I’m a newbie, I rather give the impression of being stupid asking those questions to clarify than pretending I know everything and not clarifying at all. I think it will make the situation worst if I do things on my own without their supervision during the first day. I’m still lucky my boss is very patient and calm in answering my questions.
I don’t think I did well on my first day but I promised myself to make some rooms for improvement. I can’t wait to work on my own. Wish me luck for tomorrow’s adventure!

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