September 6, 2010

Choice

Home Sweet Home all alone
 “Choosing to live your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”
A lot of things had changed. I am now living all alone... yes! all by myself at home everyday. Sometimes i do wonder if I really should consider it as a home, or it is just rather a place to shelter me every night. I find it hard although it is more comfortable on my part to live this way. I have no one to worry about and I can now do things according to my will without having to hurt anyone—that is, without taking into account the convenience of other people. I don’t belong to someone and at the same time I am nobody’s master.

It may be tiring to take care of one’s self after a long day of work, and it is rather depressing too eating a meal unaccompanied.  But the pain from the past when I was still surrounded by everyone is simply unbearable that I am determined to stand alone instead of leaning on a weak wall. All I need to do right now is to stay strong… because I have no one beside me; I have no one to depend to.

This is my choice—I got it—my desire to make a choice.  I am indeed on “other side”, perhaps miles apart from the one I used to. But this kind of life is worth living because I’ve been through a lot to establish this. I am trying to adopt this kind, and my hope is to survive.

September 2, 2010

Confession of a crazy-lazy-future-"..."

Crazy-lazy-future MD is happening no more. By fault or by fate, chances of  not becoming a future M.D. is way too high. Beyond the doubts that I’m having is an understanding of how I’ve been. My acceptance (perhaps) of what I am worthy of .  "Doc Tim" is not meant to be,...at all. True to the fact that I had took things for granted, I acted like I had nothing to worry about despite the fact that there was, and for being the kind of student who never waited for weekends to party, go to classroom to sleep, go shopping after class, and stayed up late on-line--all of these are proofs that I never valued what I have started. I did lost my determination to become one of the greatest physician of our town. I failed because I prioritized what should not.

Sounds like a denial to defend myself or a justification perhaps, whatever this may be… it makes me plead guilty for something...argh! I do not understand why I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling bad that I struggled  to earn a BS Biology degree, went to a Medical school... and now working as an admin assistant. Isn't that too great? Don't get me wrong, It's not my work per se that makes me feel this bad.

No one told me that I can be one of the underemployed not because of my capacity but because there is such an "employer's fear" of hiring someone who haven't completed her post graduate school requirements  YET--that such level will be as good as a "High School Undergraduate". I am often distracted by my educational background, especially how other people treats me as a college undergraduate.  It bothers me too good and is degrading me. Although I have no intention to defend my profile--because I always believed that no one deserves to access the details behind this journey. I am not delivering a speech to explain what was done. There will never be a public explanation on why's and how's. A nod is enough, I'll let people believe what they want to believe but still I am going to fight for what I think is right.

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