December 29, 2007

The Wanted Isolation

I dreamed of peace, and I quest for the inner one. I wished to wake up one morning free of fear and hesitation to face the world. Walk onward to welcome life as what it is— define it as a place where pain and happiness conspires to make a better world. Later in my existence, I wished to be remembered not as the weakest person like what I am today—I desired for a tougher persona.

If not and if I really can’t be tough, I wished I am still the child who enjoyed the silence of the day and stillness of the night.

Living like a doll in a closet, I watched people passing by me, heard them laughing, looked at them cry—let me bring back those good memories and bring it to reality once again.

 How I yearn to be the child in solitude. Perhaps I am just scared of what I am right now making me feel the eagerness to go back in silence.

So true, being in isolation doesn’t mean loneliness at all. It is my life—my wanted one.

This is not my world. Mine is a quite place, where I live alone in silence, where I walk like a ghost and live the way I wanted to live… and my world where no one belittles me.

            Running away from here is tiring. This is reality and I know very well there is no way for me to run away... so I press on and fight to live.

             I have to live this life though I can’t be like the one I used to be

Originally posted at

December 25, 2007

December Pain

Obviously, it is Christmas day—25th day of December and today... I already have 21 Decembers in my life…and i guess, I'll be counting more painful Decembers to come. Well. Be reminded of Mr. Grinch who hated Christmas. I do hate this time of the year.
I remember back in my elementary years, I wrote a poem entitled “Is Christmas day not meant for me?” perhaps that explains my sentiments.
As an extra “ordinary” child, hearing from my friends that Christmas is coming saddened me a lot and brings me tears. That’s amazing though! I do know how to cry over life’s drama as young as I am instead of crying because of wounded knees. Those nights I watch my neighbors’ decorated with Christmas stuffs, while ours got nothing—lights off and the rest is sleeping. And on the 25th day of the year, we are all obliged to wake up early to help our parents bake cakes—for the customers. Each one of us is busy, greeting one another is not a big deal and we even ended up with fried egg and rice for lunch--the easiest food we could prepare.
This is what it takes being in a middle class family, we need to earn extra living and celebrating is just an option.
I thought I already overcome the pain, and sleeping before 12 in the midnight could make me leave behind the weeping thing—I was so wrong. I was trying to hold back the tears and keep it by myself. I feel sorry for myself to feel this kind of pain. I mean, I am so old to get hurt. I should be accepting the fact that today is just an ordinary day.
I was used to it; it is always the scenario—no more, no less. Though each year, I do wish I could spend one Christmas Eve together with my family. Have a Christmas filled with laughter and not of tears. That’s it; I was left wondering why.
Originally posted at

December 24, 2007

Something with Nothing

my friend Danaya (weng)
friend Rianne (Ate Marriane)

I spent my sembreak ’07 with one-eyed freak aliens. Sounds weird, it really was. I am known as Amihan I remember, and sometimes I intentionally switched my identity to “Kape”—a black one.  My friends and I met every night at Rocketon and we stroll around the planet—there were lots of places to go—planet phalanges, meow2, pine, Saturn, and …I can’t remember the rest… well, I do miss chatting with my alien friends Asukal and Rianne. And occasionally, Dianna my recruited friends joined us to fool around.
            So what’s with this alien? Nothing…
            Now for christmas break, I no longer visit rocketon but i still keep in touch with my alien buddies.. I now keep myself busy with my fluffy friend… a puppog facebook pet I named “Bricks” who live in a Bark kingdom… I been petting him for a month already and I am enjoying it, Again!
Not a smart idea though, to pet fluffy friend and monitor its mood and speed to prepare bricks ready for a race. Shop him some foods, habitats, and minis… mingle with some other fluffy friends… addicting… oh! Right, really sounds funny…
            And again, there is nothing about Bricks!
            I been so passionate on updating my multiply, friendster and facebook account everyday. Update my facebook mood status and I do Check my horoscope and tarot cards every morning when I woke up. That’s it, my life… sounds boring but I personally love it.
Yeah, it is nothing but it is simply my only way to express myself “completely”. 
There, someone told me I’m crazy spending times with it. Who cares about my blogs and pictures anyway? Who cares about my mood and status? Who cares about my life? Who cares if I express myself or not? That’s so true, no one… but I do.
I guess this is just my way to help myself realized what is happening around me. Those things I ignore unintentionally and tend to recognize only when I write and update my mood… I then have the chance to fix it for my own good. See, it is just a way of surviving life.
Originally posted at 

December 23, 2007

Meaningful Death

It was just yesterday that I felt so tired of the world. No tricks, but there are still times I caught myself drowning in pain and wandering into lies of solitude. Moments I felt so light, I feel like flying while entering a dark vacuum—empty spaces, and still, moments of burden. Those are the mixtures of emotion that quivers my whole world. Destiny tried to blend my life smoothly, yet it failed.

I heard them from a distance. Yes, it was laughter I'm hearing, noises I been missing all these days. I heard them all. Whispers of laughter that echoes back to me like a roaring lion. It seems so near, but  I know very well its not.
It was a deafening laughter making me cry. Allow me then to shout it so loud; as loud as I can to pull them out from my system. I always wanted to be free and I been struggling to be.

One more step and I am entering the blissful dimension of my lonely existence. Perhaps, one more step… one million footsteps. One more try of a tiring walk of life. I am losing my spark to fight back. Sorrows of life keep me moving to find death. It was inspiring and it stirred me up to look for one.

            There, I decided to walk away wanting to free myself from a small world of loneliness that isolates me for years. I am seeking for meaningful death, the death of my loneliness.
Originally posted at

December 22, 2007

Prophecy.. Read it Right

..what we do, what we have, what we are, all depends upon what we think...    
   There are many instances in my life wherein my subconscious mind, perhaps, warned and informed me regarding how my future will be yet I disregarded them all those times.
        When I was in my 4th year high school, my adviser asked me to write a Class Prophecy. It only took me a night to finish my 10 pages article. I wrote down every single thing that crossed my mind. The first paragraph goes this way:
“Everything seems weird; all I remember was that I am a high school student of Maloco National High School. I thought it was just yesterday—time is so fast. I can’t believe myself I am entering a room with a sign on a door saying “the Doctor is IN” Cristy May B. Espańola, M.D. I am wearing a knee-length white gown and a stethoscope hangs on my shoulder. And on my hand I got a plane ticket to Aklan. I am going home after 10 long years—it is been such a long time I haven’t heard from my friends…”
    There goes my prophecy. After reading my piece in public during our JS Prom, someone sit beside me and asked “Are you serious you will not be home for 10 LONG YEARS, where will you be by then?” I just shrugged my shoulders--i dont know.
     Today, I wanted to see that curious man and tell him that I already got a good reason why I am not going home—one great reason of not going home.
    On April 14, 2002 I wrote a journal about my fantasy of studying at the University of the Philippines. During those times, I was not yet sure of pursuing on a Medicine degree due to financial instability. So I set my mind to study nursing instead and go abroad to seek greener Pasture.
        That same school year, I took an entrance exam at West Visayas State University for a degree in Nursing and at the same time, I did took the chance of applying in the UP for a pre-med course. I did pass both the exams but still I hold on to my decision of studying nursing till my mother told me I can go to U.P. and study medicine afterwards. There, that was the best news i ever heard.
        On the night of April 14, 2003 –that was a year after, I was packing my things and getting ready to attend the U.P. summer bridge program the following day.
        Recently, I remember in our literature class, we were asked to write a short story —topics that interests us will greatly do. A simple test on our imaginations. Then, I decided to write an article entitled “BUTTERFLY”—a sad ending story. It is all about how life being so unfair—like a caterpillar who struggled to climb up a tree, who wished someday to become a beautiful butterfly flying free from one garden to another, enjoying the nature and God’s blessings. A calm caterpillar working alone, strong and determined but unaware of the fact that she lives in an unjust big world—upon reaching the perfect place where she can undergo metamorphosis—the awaited moment of her life—poor caterpillar was attacked by a cruel hungry flying creatures. Deprived of something you struggled for after all the sacrifices you made.
        Let us just put it this way, some of us struggle yet often times we failed. others just sit down but got everything they need in just one snap.
        This is the way of the world of telling us life is unfair and living is a risk. We are indeed judged by our actions and people around us failed to recognized our intentions. We often times underestimate slow and sluggish people but we never know their intentions and potentials. Who are we to misjudge other people anyway? Do we have the right to judge one another?
        I continued the story and relate it with the life of poor charlotte. A young woman who been the best among people in her place—young as she was, she died of leukemia. Well, I hope it won’t happen to me—dying of leukemia!
       The story of charlotte also has its own sad romance. She was supposed to marry his childhood buddy in months and afterwards will enroll in a college of medicine at school nearby. But his fiancé happens to marry another woman (sounds familiar huh!) and she found out about her illness.
        When I wrote the story, I have no idea that what happens to charlotte will partly happen to me so soon. Though I am luckier than her, I still got chance to live because I decided to live. Maybe if I am weak, I'll be like Charlotte who dies after a love death.
        Everything happens with a silent alarm. i keep ignoring it before but starting today I should be more aware of things that crosses my mind. Things I never intend to say might be someday become meaningful. There is always a meaning behind every dream we made.

Originally posted at

The Ghost in Me

What I got today as I woke up is a puzzled mind as always. Extreme emotions and those sentiments remains untold, it  continues to linger.

          Everything falls into its proper places but it seems it is never right—it quivers. Seems it was, seems it was right… but why am I still drowning into nothingness.

        Everyday I walk in this kind of road-- all about emptiness… its a never-ending empty spaces of  my life. Every step scares me; everything is at its critical point. I had been through kinds of horrors like this, but this time is different. Because what really scares me today is myself—there is a ghost in me wanting to revenge. Mutated feelings and distorted identity… I got nothing but hatred.

Originally posted at

Old Notes

I tried to scan my college notes in Basic Histology because we’ll be having our last exam for second shifting tomorrow. But then I was surprised to read an old message on the back dated January 18, 2007.

There I find out about how sad I was that day. I was supposed to go home to witness the Ati-atihan Festival but then I decided to spend the weekend in my dorm (without going out of the room) to give myself the time to think whether I’ll continue my tiring relationship with Alchel or end it up that very moment.

            Yeah, it did surprise me even the fact that I wrote it because I can’t remember those moments. For all this time, I thought I was the one who is left behind only to discover I did think about it.

            It was written that I been crying for weeks already that I wanted to end our relationship but it was my sympathy on him that is holding me (That was ridiculous of me, I know!). Those were the times I told him and force him to find a good job because I am not going to spend my life with a lazy and irresponsible, immature man. There was even a note that I intentionally insulted and hurt him, because I honestly hated him those times. I am so tired of challenging him. I don’t see a good man in him who could raise a family, while I dream of all the best and having a good life in the near future—he is incapable of that in my own point of you. I am losing all my trust for him that he will really be a good man. The letter was long; perhaps it took me my whole weekend writing such letter. Every word was revealing and surprising that I myself can’t even imagine I wrote it. At the end of the note reveals a striking message: “My only prayer today is for God to guide me that I’ll find a way to end a relationship in a nice way so soon—I am tired and only fools myself”

            Despite that realization, I still choose to hold on as a respect for his kindness to me. I can’t just dump him after all his help and cares… he been good to me.

And why the hell I was acting so crazy when he left? I should be rejoicing when we broke up. I was out of my mind.

But four months later… there goes my answered prayer! I don't know, but maybe it took so long that I forgot I did prayed for it J and by the time it granted me, I already learned to accept the faulty fact—he is the man for me though the realization was there—he is not.

It is good that he is out of my life today especially now that I am in med school. I will never trade my life today in anything else—being on the first step of my dream and having good friends around me who truly believes in my potential. I never felt this kind of good feeling.

I was isolated in my past. I can’t do this and that because of my respect to my boyfriend. I can’t be with my friends because he doesn’t like it. Everything was stupidity making someone to control me and hinders me to grow up and face the real world.

Now is an exact opposite world—and it was good. I can go out with friends and hang out with them anytime and any where we wanted to go. I can make plans on my own—the best part of it. I can realize things faster. I am free. I can see myself becoming a doctor someday. I can picture out myself attending a sick patient. I can do whatever I want to do because no one tries to control me. The feeling is good—enjoying life to the fullest.
Originally posted at

Microbes... Soon to Attack

Somebody is pushing me into my limit… and I'm expecting to receive some violent reaction regarding this blog.

I remember I did pray hard not to experience this kind of comeback. I had been asking God for a complete guidance to lead me to the right path. I never wished to get even but I am forced to do so.

Don’t get me wrong but I am taking it generally. I am not going to pinpoint a single person here because my plans encompass everyone inside the circle of cruelty.

            You’ll never feel my kindness anymore and my considerations.

I’ll be creating a one dimensional world; my selfishness is now activated, making my mind so narrow—I can’t help but to think of how I can get even!

           I always attribute everything to myself and thought of everything as my own fault—but not this time! You see how you cleaned out my three-dimensional way of thinking? Since you impaired me; expect then that I’ll be like a microorganism spoiling you sooner or later with no past-reflection like the way you did.

Yeah, you made me feel I am nothing, you belittle my existence—I feel like a microbe. But don’t you remember what a microbe can do to your whole system especially now that I am starting to mutate and tried to resist everything?

When I thought I could still be good, or shall I say when you’re bad, you are bad no matter what it takes. Perhaps I was born having a wicked nature. This is me… I am bad though I tried to be good.

Everything around me is getting into my nerves. And I shiver in anger; it freezes my brain closing every circuits of it.

        Silence echoes like a thunder running all over my system—deafening silence! What it is all about? Why such an existence?

Originally posted at

December 2, 2007

Denial Queen

I believe I've been a denial queen for the past three months… whooahhh been through a life full of pretension—uttering happy words that I never felt at all. I run away but pain chases me. A living zombie perhaps… forcing myself to be numb and denied the pain… everything was a lie—me being a liar.
And I am not here to explain… my intension of leaving away will be forever misunderstood, I guess... call me crazy… tell me I am crazy… but tell me first lil’ things you know about my life… do you know me?

I was attacked by a depression… I suffered from extreme fluctuation of emotions—no one hear me crying... Been out of my mind… been out of this world… been the person I am not… BUT THE THING IS… I’M BACK— or perhaps I am still on my way back to reality… I am on a right track…I can hear myself laughing… how I miss laughing… how I miss my laughter… it feels so good…

Originally posted at

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