Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Opinyon ko to. Kuha nyo?

Gabi-gabi akong sumusubaybay sa teleseryeng "100 days to heaven" ng ABS-CBN. Kaya halos gabi-gabi din akong sumasang-ayon sa kung ano mang prinsipyo sa buhay meron si Madam ANA. 

OPO! Para sa akin may punto lahat ng sinasabi ni Madam. Kung ako nabigyan ng pakakataon na magtrabaho sa kumpanya nya baka isa na akong henyo at palagay ko magiging isang napakagaling na empleyado ako kahit saan mo pa ako ilagay...(ah, opo... yon nga po ay kung hindi ako mabiktima ng linya nyang "you're fired!, kuha mo?). 

Gusto kong balikan ang ilang mga pangyayari...

Unahin natin ang personal drayber nya, mali ba si Madam kung magalit sya dahil nagtetext nga naman ang drayber nya habang nagmamaneho?. E di ba nasa batas na bawal ang magtext habang nagmamaneho? Kahit ano pa man ang pinagdadaanan natin sa buhay hindi rason ito para mag tatanga-tangahan tayo sayo batas. Kaya nga may batas. Palagay ko dyan nagsisimula ang linyang "Hindi ko sinasadya". Kung nadisgrasya silang dalawa dahil sa kakatext nya malamang nakarinig tayo ng "hindi nya ko sinasadya, disgrasya lang ang nangyari". Naiintindihan ko ang drayber, pero sana alam nya ang responsibilidad nya bilang drayber. 

Sa opisina, halos lahat ng empleyado galit sa kanya. Kung hindi magagalit si Madam matututo kaya sila? Ewan ko na lang, kasi ako gustong gusto ko na napapagalitan ako kasi hamon yon para sa akin. Pabor nga sa akin yon, kahit papano malalaman ko ang mali ko, ibig sabihin lang non alam ko kung ano ang dapat kung baguhin sa buhay ko. Ang pag disiplina ang nakikita kong hangarin ni Madam para sa mga empleyado nya. Para nga syang isang magulang na pinapagalitan ang mga anak nya. para lang matuto. 

Para sa akin mas lalo mong mamahalin ang isang bagay at bibigyan ito ng pagpapahalaga kung pinaghirapan mo 'to. Wala namang kachallenge-challenge kapang ang boss mo ay di ka pinapakialaman. Nakakasama ng loob, oo, pero kung iisipin malaking tulong sayo ang mapagalitan. Libreng training yon.

Naniniwala akong si madam ay nagsasabi lang ng totoo at may hangaring tumulong sa mga tao. Matataas lang talaga ang pride ng mga tao ayaw masampal ng katotohanan. Gusto nating maging maayos ang mga bagay-bagay sa paligid natin pero kontra naman ang lahat sa pagkakaroon ng bataas. Ayaw sa salitang penalty o di naman kaya ay sa consequence... Lahat gusto ng madaling buhay.

At isa pa... Sang ayon ako kay Madam na sa mundong ibabaw wala kang dapat asahan kundi ang sarili mo. Wala kang dapat pagkatiwalaan kundi sa sariling kakayahan na maipagtanggol ang sarili. Walang ibang magmamahal sayo ng totoo kundi ang sarili mo lang. Kasi lahat nagsisimula sa SARILI natin. Paano ka pagkakatiwalaan, patatawarin, aasahan, at mamahalin ng ibang tao kung hindi mo ito kayang gawin sa sarili mo? Sarili mo nga di mo kaya, ibang tao pa kaya?

Aminin na natin, tama si madam... lalamunin tayo ng sarili nating katangahan. May mga tao dyan sa paligid natin na akala mo kung sinong santo na tatahimik pero sa loob naman ang kulo. Nagkataon lang na si Madam ay madaldal at sinasabi lahat ng mga naiisip nya. May mga tao dyan, tahimik... akala natin mabait pero mas masama pa nga kay madam.

Kung meron man akong di nagustuhan sa kanya yon ay ng ipinamigay nya ang sarili nyang anak. Pero magbabago naman sya sa huli di ba? Bigyan natin sya ng pagkakataong magbago...

Sa ngayon, hanga pa rin ako sa prinsipyo ni Madam....

Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

Trust to Regain

I'm thinking if I can ever regain my parent's trust (feeling desperate).  I feel like I am such a failure, the biggest one indeed. I pleaded guilty for not working hard and for taking things for granted. I was weighed down by the generosity of my own fate.

I had no idea why I ignored my responsibilities but I'm pretty sure that I really did. My consequences can't even tell and I will not look into it.

For heaven's sake, why should I? I know I did something stupid that is why I am living my life so terribly. What matters most to me right now is for me to figure out how to get my determination back, perhaps my strength.

Trust

Trust, perhaps it is the most important...

But... what if you don’t trust the person you thought you love...

Is it still “love”?

Is it really possible that love would exist without trusting?

Do you really love despite the fact that deep within you there is doubt?

You feel it, the one you been longing...

Happy as you wished you can be... but never contented.

Everything seems real... you almost believe... you tried to...

Yet you’re still seeking for assurance...

Security, perhaps...

You thought you can be protected by someone else...

But you ended up protecting yourself...

Because you can’t consider another mistake

 Scared... of what? Of trusting and believing?

There is no one to trust... no one...

Words... extravagant words...so unreal

Actions... promises... plans... it will never be a reality

Trust, mysterious as it is...You know you need it, but you don’t have it.

Originally poster at cristymay.multiply.com

Trust, again

I was serious when I promised myself I’ll never trust anyone anymore. Who needs a weak wall to lean on anyway? It is as good as nothing.

But guess what—promises are really meant to be broken—I found myself trusting once again. Pathetic truth isn’t it?

Here I am— seas and mountains away from home… I was once determined to live alone…away from family and friends… and most of all, stay away from making friends. Seems like running away from reality—no… I need friends…never.

I then tried to reach out—but I was rejected by the old ones. Perhaps they are fed up of me—slap me dear reality! It hurts but it is reality speaking—dare to find fault?

Came to a realization this past few days and I have proven myself wrong… my pride of not wanting a friend and fear of trusting is not a help.

I was accepted by people whom I never thought would accept me, for who I am— me being snob, bad-tempered, oftentimes self-centered. With their little bit of hesitant of trusting me back—I presumed; we became good friends. We differ from one another, but our chemistry produces good product. It may be an early conclusion, but those people I never expected to become my good friends are such a wonderful blessing right now. I owe them my laughter and smile—.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com