Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Tears to cleanse my soul

I received a message from my friend that she never thought true love do exist in reality, all the while, she thought that at our age love is just a game. When I love him, I never intended to play a game… I never did.

        Life is never a joke for me but they’re making fun out of my life. I always wanted to be good but reality speaks that I need to be bad like them. But why should I follow them when I know what is right from wrong. I never planned to revenge… that will be the craziest thing for me. He was gone, I never let him go but he went away from me—do I have a choice? Still, he is not bad for me; I know he is not bad at all… I believe in him… our story is just over, that’s it.

I am not perfect, my biggest problem in life is my attitude and perhaps he was fed up with it… he was tired… when I asked him if he is still fine, he answered me “I am loving you more each day because of what are” the sincerity was there…he meant it, I assumed.

        He brought changes in my life, he had made me happy, he loved me, made me feel I am the luckiest creature ever lived… but it doesn’t mean I have to put everything to an end…changes must go on for the betterment of my life—for my own life… I need to pursue all our dreams and everything that we have started. Yah right, our greatest and most beautiful plans supposedly.

And now, reality is slapping me and little by little I am starting to open my eyes. I know realized how small my world had become when we’re together. I forgot my dreams, my happiness, my family, my friends—it was a cruel love and self-centered. All I was thinking was how to make him happy, how to make his life better, I am always worried about his health, about his future… about his life… I am so busy telling the whole world I love him… I been so proud to show everyone I care for him… I centered my attention and gave him all my life and love. It is like I appreciated the moon and ignored the stars around it.

Sadly, I forgot I have families, angels and friends that I am rejecting every time I spent time with him and thought of him. I abandoned everyone in my life for him. Ours was not a healthy relationship, its true. It was not love for love is not selfish and not jealous. It was not… I got the right love for the wrong person.

A friend asked me,”did you cry?” –I am still crying my friend. “Are you still hoping to win him back?”—I am still waiting for him. “Do you still love him?”—I will always love him and care for him for the rest of my life. “Is there any hatred in your heart?”—it made me think and I tried to reflect over things. No, there is no hatred within me… I tried to hate him but I can’t. He may hurt me today but that was nothing every time I thought of the thousands of joy he brought into my life. The pain is nothing… these pains are nothing… I am fine… these tears I’m shedding are just to wash my soul and sins we committed if loving each other in those ways is a crime… if enjoying each others company is wrong… and if loving so deeply is not right.

        Bez She told me to stop thinking of him because he doesn’t deserve my time, my love, and my care. I am crazy to love him despite of what he did.

I love him for no other reason; I love him because of what he is. And there is no reason for me to stop loving him... it is not like you love a person today and forget everything the next day—not a simple task… not an ordinary feeling.

Duh this life and damn it!!! Why am I so stupid…? Jayrus is somehow right that I am not using my brain anymore. I got brain… really?!? All I got is heart for him… just for him… how about me? Did I ever think of something for my own good? Something to make my dreams and plans go better… I never did… I depended on him, I thought I will make me a better person so I let him manipulate my life in the thought that it would make him happy and it will make the two of us better.

        I don’t understand myself either… I don’t understand myself anymore… I know it is not right to love him much this way but I keep on holding him inside my heart. I still love him so much… I know he had already accomplished his mission in my life, but I still need him as much as he needed me before… it confused me, my mind is telling me that I suffered enough but my heart never cooperate…

 Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Hear me cry

"Baby April" and I had a good time today…hmmm I somehow feel good today although I am still having a bad dream about him… I can still hear his voice and feel his presence… what do you called that?— being crazy? I never had a good sleep since he left me… it scares me to sleep… I am afraid to sleep… for the saddest part of my life is when I wake up and realize I am going to face the day without telling him how much I love him… he was not with me anymore and there is no way for me to tell him what I always wanted to… it made me call God and surrender to him… let God take care of him so that I have nothing to worry about… he is big enough to take care of himself anyway… and perhaps someone is taking good care him—that hurts but the thought of someone is there taking care of him makes me happy—and makes me jealous… not a healthy feeling I know but I can’t help it… is someone would care to blame me? Because I am not blaming anyone—it’s not my fault… it’s not his…

Baby April reminds me of how God answered our prayers before and now it makes me believe that God will hear me again, not today, not tomorrow but he will hear my prayers.

        Insult me if you can… laugh at me if want… yell at me if you hated me so much… slap me and kick me the way they wished to do… I am going to cry no more… I am not going to beg for love again…I am not going to bend knees anymore… I don’t have to—I suffered enough. I am fed up… I tried and I am tired… I can no longer breathe… it impairs me… and I am not crazy—you can’t make me one either.

I am not here to say I already regained my strength… not so soon… not yet… give me time… give me space… give me chance… I will regain my strength little by little. I really miss myself smiling… I miss myself laughing… I miss my heart filled with joy… the last time I did was when I am with him… he took every precious things away from me…I was left with nothing but emptiness.

I’ll pray to wake up tomorrow without hatred in my heart… I want to live a peaceful life…if not with him, let me live alone… allow me to live without someone beside me if they only meant to leave me at the end…allow me to appreciate life someday without someone beside me. Allow me to continue breathing without hatred… without planning to revenge to the people who insulted me. Someday, allow me to thank them for all these pains they brought me, for changing my life and making my plans a shattered dream. Perhaps, this is life—life is indeed unfair.

        But to tell you, God is so good for not letting me touch the ground when I fell. HE was so great for challenging me this hard way… just be happy for me although I am in the midst of thorns today and I am struggling alone in darkness…no one hears my cry and I am not asking you to hear me but just be happy for me—believe me… trust me again for I can bring back the old CRISTY MAY you know… that is what I needed now…I am miles away from the old one but be happy when I shed tears… be happy when I am lonely and isolate my tears from laughter… be happy when I longed for him… just be happy for me because I am happy loving him in silence without expecting him to love me back…

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

The saddest Journey

A Story of complete change that are happening in one’s life… that every step is a stepping stone… that sunshine and rain will make a beautiful rainbow someday…my simple principle in life… but I lose grip of the reality and… I fail to remember my belief…
        My short trip to Baguio is not as happy as one would expect. An anticipating vacation gift from my parents supposedly… I longed to the visit the place since I was young but then, I hate to remember the reason why should they grant me my wished— I am there to unwind and not to have a good time… perhaps, I deserve a space for myself. I need to refresh my mind and regain my strength for I feel so weak and I feel nothing...because nothing was left for me.
It was the shortest trip of my life I assumed…ten hours of travel… A short trip to review every single step I did in my life…to weigh everything, separate good from bad… to evaluate my mistakes and truthful acts…what went wrong, what really happened…is it my fault? What happened to my sacrifices? Did I really sacrifice? Time is not enough to assess everything. I did a lot of things to fill my life yet I feel so empty…
            At the airport, I did remember the last time I was there waiting for my 10am flight to Manila… I am so excited then for someone was waiting for me at the domestic airport… and now? No one is waiting for my arrival… yes; I am missing the good times… I always did miss the good times and longed for it to happen once again.
        The beauty of nature never compensates my emptiness… I feel myself breathing; I can feel the warmth of my own touch… I am alive yet I can feel that my soul is dying… I am indeed dying emotionally… this is what real death means for me… this is the one I been telling everyone—the real meaning of death.
            I keep asking myself “why” but for my own good, I tried to convince that everything is real. I am not dreaming. And yes… I am on my saddest trip going to Baguio city.
        My tears simply fall down as I remember the love birds at home on a little cage… and honestly, I remember someone else. It was like once our happy life that I thought would last forever yet ended so soon…so soon that I didn’t even have the chance to notice it... so soon that we never had the chance to patch things up…so soon that I was left behind without any explanation. I never hear any word to clear thing up…it was us on our own little world, contented and seems so happy—I assumed… No one is around except the two of us. We tried to fill each others empty spaces. And I thought that would make us survive. The next day, the two birds died… so as our story ended in a tragic way. Why tragic—simply that we never got the chance to live our lives together freely. We never got the chance to patch things up together… we never got the chance to live and use our wings… today, people thought of me as a free woman… that was a funny thought because I am never free. My soul is nowhere to find.
And our dreams… the assurance was there… he assured me that we are going to pursue our dreams… but to materialize it together—that is what I don’t know…
            My friend asked me “Cris, is that really you talking?” yes my friend, this is the weakest fighter they ever meet. A fighter who is always ready to fight for others but doesn’t know how to fight for her own justice? Where is the strong woman they know? She became weak that the can no longer recognize her. Everybody is insulting me yet they never heard any single word. I accepted everything; I allowed them to crush my life into tiny pieces. And the man I expected to fight for me said no word and assured me I am nothing for him. And where are the promises—a broken vow? Can it vanish in just a week or two? I can’t believe it was happening yet reality is slapping me. It was painful but it scares me. My life is trembling and I have no one to hold on to. He fooled me—but stupid I am for not believing it—it was not him but it was him who said it... it was him who said he love me and the next day it was still him who said he don’t need me anymore. The sweetest word he utter—he don’t need me… but I still, to tell you frankly, I am still living my life for him. If someday he needs me, I assure him I here for him— who loves him for the rest of my life.
        I went to Mines View, the place was amazing but it never amazed me. The nature was perfect to behold but I am holding something else in my heart—a burden. I saw a message from a little souvenir item “the sweetest revenge is to forgive”. I forwarded the message right away to all my friends and added “too bad I am not sweet”… hmmm am I not really sweet or I still found no reason to hate him that is why there is nothing to forgive. After all those bad words they commented on me…
        I was so excited to enter the butterfly sanctuary and it somehow surprised me not to find one. I searched the whole place and all the while I thought that old man was just fooling me. I tried to enjoy the place though for me I am just isolating myself inside a butterfly net when there is a wide wooded area to explore outside. Pines are great and it creates a very peaceful atmosphere—the place I needed most that very moment. As I walk around in a hope to see a beautiful species of butterfly but all I saw was a black form… I hated it. I expected to see a good species of butterfly yet there was none. Still, I searched and look… still, all I found was a black butterfly. When I decided to rest on a little bench, a little tiny butterfly came near me… it reminds me of a funny chain text message regarding how to catch a butterfly. It was lovely, I let it stay in my palm and enjoy its presence. It was my first time to touch a real butterfly so you could imagine the excitement I felt that moment. The eagerness to touch and hold his wing was there, but it scares me for I might break its wings… now I understand very well that holding someone too tight wont make him grow like and be the best of what he can be. But I am sarcastic if I deny now that it made me feel better for letting my love go...for allowing him to abandon me that easy. It was not easy giving away what you got to a complete stranger… I never meant to be selfish… but only if he promised me he will be love by somebody as much as I love and care for him, then, I will let him flew away... And I almost cry to let it go. It reminds me of someone I let go. But it is not mine so the butterfly must fly. Few minutes later, I saw the same butterfly in the hands of a Korean lady, who is almost pressing its wings… I wanted to tell her not to harm that poor butterfly, but do I have any right to say so when the care taker of the sanctuary is around yet tell nothing? If it was mine, I will, but it is not… when I surrendered I asked them nothing but to take care of my most precious jewel. And if they can’t, bring it back to me. No one hears my cry, no one bothered to hear my words.
        I then went to a cemetery of negativism at Camp John Hay—my friend recommended me to look for such a cemetery when she found out the real reason of my trip. Those simple messages on the tombstones somehow are a relief for me… I don’t want to be like them. I have to live my life, struggle and fight for it… it was mentioned that the negativism is just self imposed. Partly, it was true. It is all in our mind and our heart is not a part of it. As I live the hill, I told myself I am leaving everything in that place…including my pains in life, my love—I am leaving him, my stupidity, and my insecurities in life… I step out the cemetery with a smile and went to a secret garden at the back of the Bell House. I was alone exploring the beauty of nature. I am enjoying, I now feel my stomach is starving, it’s been weeks that I never crave for food, I feel pain when I pinch myself, hey! I am alive. I smiled again… but not too long… the quite atmosphere of the place made me realized that I am alone. No one is there beside me… not to comfort me but no one is there to share my happiness, my joy in realizing a great reality. I love to share the happiness I felt that moment to someone dear to me… but he is gone… I buried him in that cemetery yet his spirit still lingers.
        And what do you think is my greatest regret today? For loving him so much and living with his memories today despite of the abandonment he did to me? I still love him today. I sacrificed my personal dreams for our future plans? For believing his promises and being left wondering why? For believing we will grow old together and live as husband and wife till death do us part? For allowing his family members to step over and crush me into bits of pieces? For allowing him to hurt me? For forgiving him after he lied to me and cheated me?—for telling him I will wait for him forever and he will be love by me as long as I am alive? For keeping all my words that I really do love him yesterday, today, and perhaps tomorrow, for keeping my promises that I’ll take care of him as long as I can?
    And my pains? It feels bad being left behind especially when you thought everything is right but the next day he’ll confess he is with someone else. It was confusing when weeks before he had given you a ring and told you he can’t live without you… it was hard to believe when the last night you talk he had promise you to comeback because he love you but he never did. He’s gone without explaining why…
        It’s hard… other people laugh at you and will judge you badly. Tell you your nothing when in fact they never know you at all… perhaps I am nothing because they took everything away from me.
        I prayed for knowledge and wisdom today that I may understand and accept reality. I prayed to stand up and fix my broken life. And if God will someday hear me, I prayed not to step and crash anyone’s life like what they did to me.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com