June 13, 2007

Hear me cry

"Baby April" and I had a good time today…hmmm I somehow feel good today although I am still having a bad dream about him… I can still hear his voice and feel his presence… what do you called that?— being crazy? I never had a good sleep since he left me… it scares me to sleep… I am afraid to sleep… for the saddest part of my life is when I wake up and realize I am going to face the day without telling him how much I love him… he was not with me anymore and there is no way for me to tell him what I always wanted to… it made me call God and surrender to him… let God take care of him so that I have nothing to worry about… he is big enough to take care of himself anyway… and perhaps someone is taking good care him—that hurts but the thought of someone is there taking care of him makes me happy—and makes me jealous… not a healthy feeling I know but I can’t help it… is someone would care to blame me? Because I am not blaming anyone—it’s not my fault… it’s not his…
Baby April reminds me of how God answered our prayers before and now it makes me believe that God will hear me again, not today, not tomorrow but he will hear my prayers.
        Insult me if you can… laugh at me if want… yell at me if you hated me so much… slap me and kick me the way they wished to do… I am going to cry no more… I am not going to beg for love again…I am not going to bend knees anymore… I don’t have to—I suffered enough. I am fed up… I tried and I am tired… I can no longer breathe… it impairs me… and I am not crazy—you can’t make me one either.
I am not here to say I already regained my strength… not so soon… not yet… give me time… give me space… give me chance… I will regain my strength little by little. I really miss myself smiling… I miss myself laughing… I miss my heart filled with joy… the last time I did was when I am with him… he took every precious things away from me…I was left with nothing but emptiness.
I’ll pray to wake up tomorrow without hatred in my heart… I want to live a peaceful life…if not with him, let me live alone… allow me to live without someone beside me if they only meant to leave me at the end…allow me to appreciate life someday without someone beside me. Allow me to continue breathing without hatred… without planning to revenge to the people who insulted me. Someday, allow me to thank them for all these pains they brought me, for changing my life and making my plans a shattered dream. Perhaps, this is life—life is indeed unfair.
        But to tell you, God is so good for not letting me touch the ground when I fell. HE was so great for challenging me this hard way… just be happy for me although I am in the midst of thorns today and I am struggling alone in darkness…no one hears my cry and I am not asking you to hear me but just be happy for me—believe me… trust me again for I can bring back the old CRISTY MAY you know… that is what I needed now…I am miles away from the old one but be happy when I shed tears… be happy when I am lonely and isolate my tears from laughter… be happy when I longed for him… just be happy for me because I am happy loving him in silence without expecting him to love me back…
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