Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Because they're too perfect to know what is good for me...

I don’t know exactly what to brand them. They’re the kind of people who simply fond of asking questions about your life that has nothing to do with theirs. They’re all over the place sometimes waiting for you to elaborate what you have told them. They often act like you are obliged to explain your life. As clearly as you can because their a need for them to know.

Seriously, their kinds are annoying.

For me, there is nothing wrong with connecting as long as it can bridge a good communication. As long as they ask because they can relate and understand clearly what kind of person you are right now. It is somewhat a powerful force that can make you feel better, an assurance that you are not alone and what you’re into is evidently normal. However when someone raise a question for the sake of knowing to satisfy their curiosity then I think it is a very different story. The worst comes when they’re not satisfied with what you just did with life. They’ll be leaving you with comments and will give you some “instructions” on what you should do. Yeah right, they’re perfect to know what is good for your life more than you do.

Why is that a lot of people assume that everything good in their life will also be good to yours? Okay, maybe we’re having almost the same issue, but you can’t instruct me to do the same thing you did in order to survive because we are two different individuals from two different world.I am not you and you are not me.

If I were to allow myself to speak my mind as John Mayer suggest with his song entitled “Say”, then maybe this post are going to be violent.

Say what you need to say [x8]
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

(Song lyrics of JOHN MAYER)

I’m not that confident though. I can’t write every single word I’m thinking of right now because I’ll be violating the 7^th conduct of a blogger that is not to say anything online that you wouldn't say in person. I am still keeping it myself but you do know I'm pissed.

Thanks for this blogger’s code of conduct in guiding me; I only hope to remember this as I go on blogging.

*The Blogger's Code of Conduct 

1. Take responsibility not just for your own words, but for the comments you allow on your blog. 
2. Label your tolerance level for abusive comments.
3.  Consider eliminating anonymous comments. 
4. Ignore the trolls. 
5. Take the conversation offline, and talk directly, or find an intermediary who can do so.
6.  If you know someone who is behaving badly, tell them so. 
7. Don't say anything online that you wouldn't say in person.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog

"Squeling Aside"

I am Cristy, from UPHSL Chapter Batch '08-A with batch-name "Forsan Miseros Meliora Sequentor".

I am a part of Beta Sigma Fraternity. "Malmonet" as they called me. I used to be proud and carried its name as my own. My actions and words were all guided by its principle.  I once thought to cultivate the seeds of love and uproot the weeds of hatred. I was advised  not to make actions that can lower our dignity.

I am not a member of Sigma Beta Sorority (just to make myself clear) but again, I am a part of Beta Sigma Fraternity--the "Beta Sigma Ladies Corps".

With my name, I am humiliated and neglected by some of the members. I once fought for our right but one day I woke up feeling tired. I feel numb, or perhaps I can't feel the members anymore. I leave behind the Fraternity pin that represents me and the proof that I am ready to sacrifice sweat and blood for its name.

I wrote:

Cristy May B. Espańola

College of Medicine

University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU

December 14, 2009

Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps

University of Perpetual Help System of Laguna Chapter

Bińan, Laguna

Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps:

Good Day!

I, Cristy May B. Espanola, a member of Beta Sigma Ladies Corps, batch 2008-A (Forsan Miseros Meliora Sequentor) would like to inform everyone that I, of free will, planned to surrender all the Fraternity items that was given to me, and that I am no longer a member of Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps effectively today, December 14, 2009.

I am aware that turning my back away from all of you is degrading for I was trained not to quit no matter how hard the situation is. But if quitting will set my conscience free, then I will because I can no longer afford teaching an aspiring individual how to become a good Beta Sigman and  convincing them to join while I am aware of all our conflicts. Simply, I cannot give what I don't have.

I have nothing against with teachings and principles, it is indeed good and perhaps had given me reasons for behaving in many ways—I was motivated, inspired and thankful but it happens that my lights were gone and walking in darkness is so impossible.

Our differences is not an issue but making each other different is a big deal. I hate the fact that everyone of us seems to enjoy putting each other down instead of helping each other up...that instead of hitting each other with reality to wake him/her up we tend to hit each other for the sake of hitting. Cultivating the seeds of love, uprooting the weeds of hatred most especially among members were forgotten by all of us—a sad reality.

In addition, I  always believed that I was a failure in all my obligations, responsibilities, and duties for the fraternity—fair enough to dishonor me. And now that I can no longer feel and find essence of being a member of Beta Sigma Ladies Corps, allow me because if I’ll not quit today I’ll surely hate the fraternity sooner or later.

I am giving you assurance that all your teachings and principles will be kept and will remain a secret.

Thank you  very much... and more power to your Fraternity!!!

Sincerely Yours,

Cristy May Bautista Espańola

 This letter was rejected by the chapter since a lot of the member still believe in one of its adage that "once a Betan, is always a Betan".

The Betan spirit is with me all this time despite what happened.

From pieces into pieces....

One thousand and twenty two days passed by. I can’t remember how it was. I can no longer feel the pain… half of the misery is gone. I’m alive. I survived. I journey along with this unspeakable story. Half untold and some part was considered to be true by some for I once live my life two-faced to appear good because I simply needed to. I settled hoping that someday I could find a good reason. Reasons that will make me appreciate my existence.

I departed from this life many times. One chapter from another—always hoping to have a good start but never ended as desired. I’ve been through to a lot of humiliation almost with the same old reasons. From pieces into pieces, I am—I was never mended and never been fixed. Broken identity I used to have and will always is. This is my story—the story I hated most.

One thousand and twenty two days counting to one thousand and twenty three in two hours. I was reminded by everything there was. One thing I realized is that the feeling of confusion lingered all this time. The hatred, the blame, and the regrets I had, and the forgiveness I longed is still with me. I want to be forgiven… I always wanted to forgive but then again I hate, I blame, and top of this I never learned to accept my failure.

I started a new chapter hoping to forget the other. In my hope that I could correct whatever is to be corrected from the previous. The major mistake I ever made. Until this time, I admit that I am not ready thus created conflicts one after another.

Someday, that early chapter of my life will end peacefully.

I was carried away by my emotions...

My sincere apology for flooding my facebook wall with such posts. I was carried away by my emotions, so extreme as it is, that I was not able to control myself. I should have confronted her, talk to her in person instead of acting like a 5th grader.  I'm sorry for not presenting myself properly, I pleaded guilty for that. However, I'm not taking back my words. My fault was to published my emotions and not feeling such way.

No, I'm not going into details. I just want to be frank for I felt like being betrayed. SERIOUSLY!
I know that was so plain, and what happened was shallow. But the idea that she can actually do such thing is stressing me. I've been through a lot and what she did spark some memories of betrayal. Perhaps, what happened was just a cheery on a top of an icing and cake. I've been bending my back for her, rescheduling my appointments several times. I'm trying to understand her actions as much as I could. For that, I'm just tired of inconveniencing myself for the convenience of others. I am so fed up.

I wished I could cry away my hate for her so tomorrow everything will be fine. 

For now, I am going to bed, I'll sleep if I can

KAPATIRAN

Kapatiran nga lang pala to. Hindi nga pala 'to isang tunay na pamilya.

Pasensya na kayo, umasa ako at naghintay ng totoong kapatid sa inyo.

Ganito ako kapag mahalaga ang isang bagay sa'kin, Masasaktan ako sa pinakasimpleng paraan.

Masyado ko lang sigurong sineryoso ang salitang KAPATIRAN.

Kapatid... Kapatid... Kapatid... Kapatid... kapatid? Punong puno ng mga kapatid na walang pagpapahalaga sa kapwa nila kapatid. Ang sakit no, kasi may mga taong totoo na nadadamay.

Gustuhin ko mang magsalita, gustuhin  ko mang  maglabas ng sama ng loob...mahirap, kasi alam ko sa bandang huli ako pa rin ang lalabas na masama. Hindi ako perpekto wala akong karapatang magsalita.

Sana nga hindi na lang kita kapatid. Sana hindi nyo na lang ako naging kapatid. Mas naging madali siguro ang lahat para sa atin.

Pero pakinggan nyo ang dinadaing ko, sa una at sa huling pagkakataon:

Kung sarili mong kapatid ang hindi maniniwala sayo...

Kung sila mismo ang dahilan kung bakit ka nasasaktan...

Ayaw mo man paniwalaan meron dyan na hihila sayo pababa...

Handang gumawa ng hakbang para maging ibang tao ka...

Masakit man, pero may magbabanta sa mga pangarap mo sa buhay...

Kung kaya mong ipahamak ang sarili mong kapakanan para lang sa kanila...

hindi na tama di ba?

Sana ramdam nyo ang nararamdaman ko... nahihirapan ako. Hangad ko ang maliwanagan

Kung sana pwdeng pumili no? sana ikaw... ikaw lang ang brod ko, ikaw lang ang sis ko.

Dalawang tao ang pilit na nagbibigay sa akin ng sapat na rason para manatili sa kapatirang pilit kong pinagtatanggol, kapatirang walang sawang nagbigay sakin ng rason na dapat ay lumayo na ako noon pa man.

Ilang beses kong pinasawalang bahala ang mga nararamdaman kong sama ng loob noon...

Kung matatandaan nyo, minsan ko ng tinangkang kumalas sa samahan. Bumalik ako hindi dahil sa napilitan ako, bumalik ako kasi umasa ako na balang araw may mga brods at sis natin na magiging totoo din.

Nabigo ako, hanggang dito na lang. Ayoko na, nakakapagod.

Salamat sa lahat... di na ko magsasalita kung ano man nararamdaman ko. isusulat ko na lang siguro sa hangin. Balang araw malilimutan ko din ang lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa inyo...

at kung ano man ang nagawa kong kamalian, alam kung meron, hind ko man napapansin sa lahat ng oras...hindi man ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob upang lumapit para humingi ng tawad... hiniling ko sa maykapal ang kapatawaran nyo.

Mula sa oras na 'to...mag iiwanan ako dito mismo sa kinakatayuan ko ng ilang bagay na nakakabigat na sa'kin.

Mag-ingat tayong pareho...

Maligayang paglalakbay kapatid.

Request Denied!

My fraternity sister asked me to make a presentation and an invitation for the coming event. I was actually willing to do the tasks but then I realized I’m going to use pictures from the events we already had to show the aspiring candidates what is our fraternity all about. Chances are, I’ll be seeing pictures that will remind me of the past. That one, I don’t want to happen. I don’t want to be reminded of how fair-weather brother he was to me. Since I have no spirit to tell her such reasons because it sounds stupid (it is) I stayed not to work on it. I know she’ll tell me to attend to my duties for the fraternity first before dealing with my personal issues. So acting like conscience-free, I went home and later I’m hoping to have a good night sleep after sleepless nights of… drinking!

I felt sorry though. I wished I could help but I rather save my day. In time, I will be more professional; I’ll deal with his kind. I know I can, I just can’t right now because I’m on my mission to make every single day happy.

 He is an exception by the way. He is the only fair-weather brother I had. All the rest are good and dependable.

An open letter for Lino

 Dear Lino,

How I wished that someday you could actually drop by my site to read this.(Of course that is if you have a damn idea that this is existing)

 Everyone knows how much I hated you.

How I hated myself that I wasted my time for us.

I hate you for I can’t blame you because there is no point for that. It’s another waste of time.
*Sigh*
If I could only slap you, kick your ass, and throw you away, I’ll really do. But I just can’t. All I want now is to be free from everything there was.

And if given a chance to be with you again, you know what I’m going to tell you?

Please learn to use the “no comment” line when you’re asked about us, about me, or about the past because it is over.

I wished I had the right to demand to you to forget everything about us and anything about me.

Don’t you have any idea how stressful it is on my part to hear something about our relationship before, just because you told them? I am expecting that there is still “just-between-the- two- of-us” facts even our relationship had already ended. I thought it was air-tight! 

It’s over so you should have kept it yourself instead of broadcasting it to the whole world. I know you got friends, you got our Brods , you got our Sisses. What are you trying to show them anyway?  Please! Learn to pick and throw the right thing.


And for the worst, I'm sorry to tell you that it is a gay thing to create a story to make the drama complete. I hate you for that. I really do. You're making me sad, you never failed to do so anyway. 

I can’t feel you, I even don't know you anymore…you've gone too far... or perhaps, that's the real you.
I need some respect...
For once Lino...


Sincerely,

Sis Cristy

*expect me to smile and act like I have no idea*

P.S. 
My hope is not to see you and not to hear from you especially now that I am mad.