"Action Completed Your account has been cancelled"-- friendster

there goes the message saying "Action Completed Your account has been cancelled" from friendster. 

Perhaps, this is just a part of my craziness right now but I am so decided to cancel all my existing social accounts...  

I am drowning in pain again, I wanted to isolate myself from the world, stay disconnected, give some time for my self to think, go to place where I can see the whole picture of my life right now. I feel so small and the world around me is so big. I wanted it to be the other way around. It would be easy then.

Soon I'll be deleting facebook if can give up my yoville and farmville! (seriously, that's the only thing that keeps me holding) or better yet, erase another set of friends. I'm not going to do such with my multiply and blogger account though. The two remains my hiding place in moments like this-down, empty, and no one to talk to...this is where I confess everything.


I got friends alright, only that, it is a matter of accepting their criticism for me to grow or face their rejection. 

sometimes I like to believe that there are a lot of people out there who doesn't understand why some of us post what we feel in the net or blog instantly. An honest status at facebook for instance will not yield comments right their but when they see you in person they'll just surprise you with sarcasm. For them what is right is what they're doing. and if they're not doing what your doing then you are absolutely wrong! If something is difficult for them to manage, they'll tell you about the hardship they been through. If things become so easy in their part and not on yours, they'll tell you "what the hell, how come you don't know that?, are you serious?!?" as if your dumb and silly. 

They talk as if you have no right to feel emotions other than happiness.

Regrets

Its been 2 months.. And I don’t know where I've been . Now, I can officially label myself as a genuine stupid person. All I did was to cry all day long and night as if I was really alone... I do feel that I am but I still Believed I'm not

As I remember, yesterday was December 21, 2009.. But when I woke this morning, to my surprise, today is February 20, 2010… where have I been?

This is exactly what I'm feeling today

I was in hell… no one had pushed me to be in, but I did for no good reason. I feel bad, empty and regretful that I tried after convincing myself not to. I am my greatest enemy… hard headed as I used to be. I knew it was dangerous but I did took the risk of doing it hoping I can tolerate the pain. I so hate being myself at times like this. My thought of things differs from what I feel.

I started to hate life, but I cant get even… though I wanted to. I cant argue with what is happening in my life right now. There are a lot of forces beyond my control. I wished to manipulate things but I failed… there is no way for me to do that. I have no energy left, I feel weak at this very moment. I called up for rescue but then refuses to accept hand. I want to be alone and be myself for some time, but I was too scared to be left behind. Seconds seems to run like years… so slow that it irritates me…

But am I really left behind or I am just in a hurry to put things right that I missed everything. Did everyone around me had changed or it was I who is different now. It is the same old feeling I got here… and I forgot how I managed to survive before…. I wished to remember because I don’t want to feel this way all the time, it impairs me.

I been missing so much opportunities now a days. I tend to let things happen. "Let it be" moments and "it isn't true" instances. I wished to start another walk of life… I wished to walk once more… take one more chance-- I am not giving up.

Nothing....

 when nothing is left for you...

*this is not my original concept but I was the one who sketched

Nowhere to go

I had nowhere to go...

I feel so lost and empty...

I wish I could find myself so soon...

when will my reflection show...

I know something is really wrong....

I'm so not myself lately...

Tired

one thing I know...they won't stop until you stumble and fall... and I'm tired of standing up again and again

A struggle worth struggling for

Tomorrow I hope to start a new life... And I mean it… hopefully I will.

I honestly miss being myself. I wanted to get my old life back. I mean the old one, long before I met him. Long before I decided to join the Beta Sigma Fraternity and Ladies Corps.

But this fact hurts me as well. Maybe the disappointment it brought to my life. Perhaps, being one of them… I mean us… whatever! Ok, one of us or them is indeed tough. I personally walked in a rocky road. I now understand the importance of light, 'cause it is indeed a dark place to live in. My light was gone. To pass a letter of denouncement is not easy, not part of my stupidity… I supposed. I believed that it was not stupid to quit and turn my back away from them because I have reasons.

Been here for almost a week already, and all I did was bug him down, blame him, and tell every single regrets I have … though part of me believed that I am unfair and I am acting rude for being such. I always wanted to stop doing those stuff, but I cant! Discipline and self control is nowhere to find, perhaps because of hatred. I hate myself for being so… I don’t know exactly what to describe me… perhaps nothing could.

I'm here to think, and ponder on things. I should be… I've been a monster for months already, my manner is unforgivable and the words I utter is as smelly and fishy as it is. I am a monster who wants to get her old self back… the one being respected by many and the one who respects herself because she deserves to be. Respect… how can I ever respect myself if we fight and still sleep together and the next day acted that there is nothing comes between the two of us anymore. How come we see each other once in a while, stay together for a week or two under one roof again and if asked we both tell everyone we decided to take paths of our own. Stupid and degrading, isn't it?

I don’t want to do those stuff any longer, I wanted to stop. I've been in my worst self… I was worst and getting even worst every day.

Everyday was a struggle to me, an unnecessary one. And today, I wanted to start a new struggle worth struggling for. I don’t want to waste my time blaming myself why I wasted my life with him…its like wasting my life because of my wastes. Making mistakes from another mistakes. I want to stop hoping for something so impossible.

Sometimes, reminding myself that life is better off without him is not enough because I often stayed to give chance for both of us… that what if he will change..what if I'll wait for a while ... There were so many what Ifs going on in mind. Nothing changes. He loves to tell lie s and he has always something to hide. Despite it all, I once hoped someday I can hear him telling no lie and act with no pretensions. That one day he will wake up and will live in honesty. He is a big fat liar from the very start of our relationship and yet I accepted him hoping he'll change...

Everyday, I talked to the Lord. I already told him everything: how scared I was that there will be no one to protect me, how I always wanted to be loved and to gain his respect …how I longed for those times of him being proud of me. I already did my part of giving us both chance to change and make things right. I had nothing to offer now. I already give what I have.