Nightmare

The Medicine Auditorium was occupied with Doctors from different departments gathered for an Anual Clinico Pathologic Conference when I arrived. It was an overwhelming crowd. I am actually contented being seated at the back where I had a perfect view of what everyone is doing.

Today I thought of my younger self, back in time when I am fuelled with determination. One fine young lady, I supposed, bursting with strong points and promises. I was once standing in front of the crowd voicing my eagerness to someday wear a white coat with a stethoscope hanging on my shoulder, top of this is completing my name with 2 letters added after my  father’s—M. and D.— letters that empowers a good reputation.

The Class prophecy I read in front of the crowd (which I personally wrote) was the only way I could tell the world that I have a dream—that I wanted to be someone if only given a chance. During those times, it was rather impossible for someone like me to afford a Medical School, and survive it as well.

I can specifically picture out how gloomy I was to be listed as BA Psychology when all I wanted was a Science Degree in Biology as a Pre-Med course even though I was not assured yet of pursuing Medicine. I finished BS Biology and Medicine too. I was always secured. I always believe in myself. I am strong. I was once undistracted.

Today as I return from a 6-day hiatus, I remember all these. I desire to be revived. I want to breathe once again, of good hope.  I need my nerve back.

But how can I possibly finish my end when I am, in reality suffocated with anger? There, I found myself running away from the auditorium after being reminded that I'm shattered. I fail to compose my intentions. I was made-up to regain my strength but still too weak.

I found myself crying as if this agony cannot be fought. What really hurts most is a part concealed until becomes a little obvious…that I’m losing myself along my fading dream.

Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

SAHM: Stay-at-hospital/home-mother

My very own Princess

2 years, 8 months and 20 days being a mother to this lovely daughter, but there are only 332 days of which that I become a full-time hands-on mother to her. The rest of the days, I spent time at the hospital to take care of  other people. Pursuing an MD degree isn't easy. We had to stay in the hospital for a 24 hour duty, 10 more hours of from duty status at the hospital before heading ourselves home; so we're given a 14-hr rest (that includes spending time with your love ones too) then go back for another 10 hour pre-duty status at the hospital then another 14 hour rest before the next duty starts. Physically tired, sleep deprived, mentally drained and emotionally tortured.

Becoming a doctor is a tough decision. A decision you actually have to renew again and again each time you feel like giving up. 

Going home tired and sleepy to your daughter whom you know waited for you maybe the worst feeling especially that instead of using part of your 14-hour rest in playing with her, you needed to work on your reports that is due the next day. On the other hand, how exhausting is it in your part that instead of sleeping straight through the night you have to wake up every 2 hours because you needed to change diaper or make a milk formula. 

I almost give up. Perhaps I really did in some point. But I stayed. I stayed becoming a physician and stayed being a mother in the hope that someday I'll be good with both. I'll make a way to make it all work. 

I'm staying. Someday, sacrifices will make sense. 

Hold on

I honestly wanted to write something that will make follower of this page (if there is, in any way who stayed) SMILE... but again, I'll write whatever is on my mind.

I used to be a full-time-stay-at-home-mama of one lovely daughter in a mission to make ordinary days extraordinary for a couple of months but then finally decided to pursue Medical School. From there, I don't know what exactly happened. Maybe, some "throwback" posts will soon be filling the gaps of my story. All I know right at this very moment is that I wanted to start sharing and reading blogs once again. I miss this writing whatever that is bugging me... since there  are a lot of them right now.  

I  ignore things, people, and situations. Easiest way I could  to make my journey easier. Let it be... let it pass... close my eyes...cover ears...take a deep breath from time to time... protect my heart if I can...and finally focus on things that will make me happy... You actually need to convince yourself   first that you'll be ignoring a lot of possibilities beforehand.

Recently, I learned from a friend the law of attraction which clearly states that every positive or negative event that happened with you was attracted by you. And so I tried... I realized it ain't easy at all! at the end of the day, when you are sad you still have to cry... no matter how strong you wanted the world to see you, you needed a corner. a hiding place maybe, where no one can see how scared you are over things you know they will never understand why. 

To be able to attract whatever you wanted to attract so you don't have to be that person you hated? I have no idea on "how's" yet, but I will be learning that in time.

One thing is for sure, if attracting positives won't be enough...  everything will work out for the best, holding on is always of good help. When I thought being that "crazy-lazy-future-MD" I used to label myself  became "going-to-be-MD-no-more"  hey, I'm on my way once again, this time I can't be that lazy, maybe still crazy but earned that MD. Thanks God. 

 

Never too late

The road I've chosen to become the woman I am, perhaps, is a long one.

I should have followed everyone else’s track who had chosen a straight path from a Pre-Medicine to Medicine proper but I didn't, not because I wasn't able to but because I don’t want to- I'm not even sure with that. 

My Med life has been complicated apart from the fact that pursuing the kind of career is difficult, expensive, uncertain, a sacrifice by itself.  

In some point I felt exhausted and had a job instead. I became an HR assistant who made sure that the comfort room of 200 employees was functional each day. I became a payroll-master which was obviously way too far from my interest but able to do extremely well because I want to prove myself that giving up med school was worthy.  Then I became a mother—I had one lovely daughter who just turned two this month. 

So I have no way to be pissed by questions like “Aren’t you in Residency training yet?!?” I can't be jealous with friends who graduated on time and is now seeing their own patients, My parents are supposedly proud of me by now showing off my name with an MD to relative and friends.

Then again, I was back in field and had my medical clerkship completed—almost.  I decided to be challenged and make sacrifices—sacrifice indeed.  Relationship with my partner has been through serious ups and downs which almost ended the wonderful side of this kind of life. Tough.

This journey is about to begin J the thing is, I already know which way to go. I am determined.

 

Time travel: The Teddy bear I used to hurt

My childhood dreams...

When I grew up, I wanted a curly hair like that of “Goldilocks”.

When I grew up, I wanted to become a mermaid and swim the abyss of ocean.

When I grew up, I wanted to own a tree house.

When I grew up, I wanted to live the life of “Richie rich”

When I grew up, I wanted to write and draw as good as my sister. 

When I grew up, I wanted to become strong so I can lift the iron stand and also help my mother with other household chores.

and so on...

But there are two dreams that remain …

When I grew up, I wanted to travel the world.

When I grew up, I wanted to become Doctor Tim. 

I wanted to travel the world.

I can still remember that most of my elementary teachers used to ask us "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or “list the five things you wanted to do when you grow up”. Back then, I always knew what to write. Number one would always be “I want to travel the world” although I can’t stand to ride a jeepney back then because of motion sickness. I remember I even told my mother I wanted to go to Manila, but in one condition. I don’t want a ride. We will just walk! Crazy! Thanks God, motion sickness was long gone to me.

I wanted become a Doctor.

My 20-year old Teddy Bear, my mom got this as her award for being the "dealer of the month" of Tupperware

As I child, jobs such as doctors, lawyers, teachers and engineers are the professions to enter into minds so I've chosen to become a doctor. Mind set. I was also influenced by my mother who works in a district hospital as a nursing attendant. On some afternoons, since the hospital was just a walk away from our home, I was sometimes asked to bring her a dinner. I knew from those afternoons (of inhaling disinfectant, of listening to people cough and children cry, of seeing nurses on station preparing medicine for admitted patients) someday I’ll work as a medical practitioner too.

I’m sorry teddy for doing those to you.

My teddy bear became my first patient at home. I used to make a little cut in its forehead and back then pour in red ink (still stained until now). When the cut appears to be like of a real bloody wound I’ll stitch them using a sewing needle and thread. I sometimes apply lotion and creams too or apply Betadine solution.

I’m a grown up now. I went to medical school after I graduated college but it turns out, it’s not easy. I lose courage. I doubted myself as I study. The more I read, the more I feel I am not geared up.  I was hesitant if I could function effectively in life-and-death situations. I was in doubt if I can handle the responsibility of saving lives.

Little by little I was discouraged by my own fear. My mind burnt out.I became exhausted.

But then again, I knew my dreams. All I really need right now is to gain courage and be back in field.

Time Travel: Let there be light

Back in college, I was told that a fraternity member has a greater chance to get a high-paying job (so easily) than an"independent". Being a member is a “plus factor” on your resume because a lot of employers and successful man in town will soon become your brother and sister thus a greater chance to be employed. All you need is the skill to choose which fraternity to join in—the main denominator would always be “common interest”.  Choose a fraternity whose majority of the member shares a common interest with you.

I was never convinced.  How could that possibly be?  The media emphasized frat tradition in general—hazing, public humiliations, and a lot of tricks—which they rather refer as disciplinary actions to test the determination of an aspiring member. They have the most painful way to screen applicants. They perform the most risky way of training the member on how to value the brotherhood. To “be one of them” is a risk of life. Why should I join if I can be a woman of success without undergoing painful processes?  I was rather challenged to become the “independent”—because I simply don't need them.

So I swore not to join. Besides, I was never the kind of a “sis material”—a soon-to-be member connotes being popular, dynamic, and sociable. They have certain qualities I never had. Thus, I was never invited.

To make the story short, I wasn’t completely right. I was in a graduate school when I appreciate the life of a Frat-Man after I attended orientation program. Being a frat man wasn’t perfect, it has its own flaws but fraternity is not like what the media have shown the public.

Let me tell you…

The first four is about the obvious “Instant-all-you-got”

1.   Instant companions. It is quite an obvious fact that you will be provided with this kind of opportunity. “feeling-close system”—it will always appear that you have known each other for a long time despite the fact that you only met a minute ago. To become comfortable with people you have met for the first time is a great experience.

An hour after I survived :)

2.   Instant social life (expect get together, road trips, parties and a lot more). Life become social in nature, but that does not only imply drink and party alone. Everything serves a purpose.  Being social means allowing you to meet new people—a healthy way to live your life. A chance to get out from your comfort zone. 

3.   Instant popularity (the moment they’ll find out everyone will be asking you of HOW?!? WHY?!? WHEN?!? WHAT?!?) 

4.   Instant activities. Fraternities are customarily engaged in community services which is truly a noble thing to do. 

5.   The feeling that “I am being protected”. You will gain more confident because you know someone is there for you, someone will protect you, and most of all someone will support you no matter how crazy you are. Of course this comes with a consequence, frat will protect you in troubles but the moment they’ll find out it’s your fault then you’ll be subjected to a well-deserve disciplinary action. Why? because a brotherhood means helping you to become a better person.

Back off! I have brothers to protect me.. hehe

6.   A learning process is available. You will learn a lot inside the circle. Learning process doesn’t end up the moment you survived and the time you became an official member. Learning is spontaneous. A fraternity circle is like a little world. You’ll meet a lot of members from different walks of life and you will learn how to deal with them. It’s a must. Fraternity have policies and procedures to follow—living in a small world that prepares you to face   the great and real world. 

7.   A chance to excel. Yes. This is true. brotherhood stresses excellent because they have expectations for members. And the mere fact that you desire to become the fraternity’s asset is a good motivation to excel because you know someone is going to be proud of you aside from your biological family. 

8.   You will become a leader. Leadership is not an opportunity but an obligation. It is something that is readily available to all the members. Each member has equal chance to assume a role.

9.   You will learn how to work/interact well with others. This is possible while planning/organizing one of the events. To be inside a fraternity circle is a good practice on how to deal with other people.
 

10.  Experience a “home away from home” environment. Fraternity is not about friendship. It is more of a family. When you argue with members, you are obliged to compromise. The men and women you’ll be calling sis and brods will be the ones to provide guidance when you are struggling. Believe me, there will always be someone who will sacrifice their time just to be with you even in the middle of night especially when you are in trouble. There will be someone who will take care of you, someone who will open door of their houses for you. This common bond will be with you for your life.

Anyways, be responsible enough. Don't join just to show-off with friends and become popular. To become a member is a lifetime responsibility.

thanks for the warm welcome... got this roses from brods and sisses the day after I became a member.. feeling so wasted...

Almost over with wander-wonder years...

It’s been a good rest… a year of wander-wonder. I went to places where I hope I can find myself then marvel on whether becoming a physician can satisfy my existence. It’s quite a long time. I am also bored; I hoped everyone is aware of that.

I already made my decision on going back to med school the soonest I can but for all we know things had already changed around and within me. My decisions already depend on things beyond my control, not just on my own will unlike before. If my parents are still willing to support my studies then that will be good; If I am capable of becoming a good mother and a good student at the same time then it will be better. 

I am honestly missing the days of pursuing dreams. But if it is not really for me, I am also open to every possibilities life could offer. What really matters for me is to start again which is somewhat complicated to make but at least possible to do.

Confession of a crazy-lazy-future-"..."

Crazy-lazy-future MD is happening no more. By fault or by fate, chances of  not becoming a future M.D. is way too high. Beyond the doubts that I’m having is an understanding of how I’ve been. My acceptance (perhaps) of what I am worthy of .  "Doc Tim" is not meant to be,...at all. True to the fact that I had took things for granted, I acted like I had nothing to worry about despite the fact that there was, and for being the kind of student who never waited for weekends to party, go to classroom to sleep, go shopping after class, and stayed up late on-line--all of these are proofs that I never valued what I have started. I did lost my determination to become one of the greatest physician of our town. I failed because I prioritized what should not.

Sounds like a denial to defend myself or a justification perhaps, whatever this may be… it makes me plead guilty for something...argh! I do not understand why I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling bad that I struggled  to earn a BS Biology degree, went to a Medical school... and now working as an admin assistant. Isn't that too great? Don't get me wrong, It's not my work per se that makes me feel this bad.

No one told me that I can be one of the underemployed not because of my capacity but because there is such an "employer's fear" of hiring someone who haven't completed her post graduate school requirements  YET--that such level will be as good as a "High School Undergraduate". I am often distracted by my educational background, especially how other people treats me as a college undergraduate.  It bothers me too good and is degrading me. Although I have no intention to defend my profile--because I always believed that no one deserves to access the details behind this journey. I am not delivering a speech to explain what was done. There will never be a public explanation on why's and how's. A nod is enough, I'll let people believe what they want to believe but still I am going to fight for what I think is right.

Perpetualite to Bid Goodbye...

I finally had the time to write. I’ve been lazy for the past few days for two extreme reasons: I am simply tired (literally) and frightened more than usual. I’ve been to Luzon and back here in Visayas in three days time and with that time span worries were accepted, and awareness was established.

That night before I left for Cavite was filled with upsetting noises that only I can hear. Having this kind of ears that can perceive the sound others cannot is driving me crazy. The sound within me was even worse than that of crickets at night. I feel like a dead woman for my body was cold but ironically I never heard my heartbeat that loud. I am not sure if I had fallen asleep or I was just there staring blankly all over my room until the sun was up. From time to time, I was tempted to write to get rid of all the bewilderment in my mind but I barely had the courage to put my thoughts into words. My throat sores as I read out lout to break the annoying noise that was keeping me up. I failed to free myself from panics. Thus, I stayed late and ended up more like of a zombie acting creature the next day. I sometimes picked up things not knowing what it is for.

 The day I left, I waited for almost four hours before the bus had arrived. But four hours is not enough, I wished then to stay as eager as my heart and my mind wanted me to stay. I don’t really want to go but the College of Medicine of University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU requires my presence for my exit interview with the Student of Affairs. As I waited, one memory keeps on flashing back. I was sitting outside the chancellor’s office trying to weigh up things. It was my birthday and I told myself that Perpetual is not my home to stay with. I never knew then that I will be provided with reasons to leave, good enough to break away.

I went back to my school for my exit interview and to request for transfer credentials. To my disappointment my qualifications as a registered Medical student were all gone at the registrar's office. That includes my NMAT result, my NSO birth certificate, and my College TOR. Surprisingly true, my envelope of records was empty. I don’t want to think that it was ripped off but I am actually considering it. But then again, my determination was firm enough to take my grounds. I happened to have an extra copy of my college TOR and NSO birth certificate, and I went to Center for Education Measurement at Makati City to retrieve my NMAT grades.

There, I am now a Certified Perpetual Student but too bad I needed to sign for my exit clearance right away.

Some said I should have stayed. Perhaps I could but I would not because I wanted to save my dreams. I’m holding on and I made my choice to be alive. This is not a waste of time; this is not a failure, not my defeat. No matter how tricky the road is, no matter how long it will take, this is still my journey... Someday soon I'm going to tell my story with pride. I’ll be learning in every route I’ll take. At the end, I’m not going to sit down and dream of my life but I’ll rather be going to start another walk to begin a different journey—endless as it is.
 

"Tito Choy"

(March 18, 2010 7:37 PM)

"Don’t talk to strangers", whatever rule they’re calling it—golden or not—I don’t care.  For me, one of the most important lessons I can learn in life will come from strangers—particularly those people I can discuss topics of everything under the sun for a moment or two. It is my innate nature to talk to strangers. During my college years for instance, I used to exchange stories with a bus driver or with a bus conductor. I love my experienced. I can’t remember their names after the acquaintance, but their ideas on how to live and how they appreciated life is awe-inspiring—lesson learned from them lingers. That's why riding a bus or going to different places is never boring because I can surely meet a lot of people that could inspire me. The story of their lives is an extraordinary inspiration. They were great people from all walks of life. Talking to them is better than talking to a professional who talks about his unending wants in life.

A thirty-something man in corporate attire that seems to be in a hurry had managed to stop walking and offered help to carry my baggage. I smiled and bowed my head a little to say how thankful I am for his kindness. I have two reasons for my refusal. First and foremost, because I have to consider him being a busy man—every second counts. Secondly, I have to be vigilant no matter how I love talking to strangers. I'm at Metropolis outside Alabang Star Mall carrying a baggage that weighed 18.5 kilos! I hate to think that walking in that place alone with some personal belongings is quite risky. I was told that it is one of the places where snatching of cell phones and bags as well as stealing is rampant in the face of the traffic enforcers as well as police officers standing at every corner of the place.

Another young tourist smiled and offered help sincerely, even without stopping. Although I know he is just trying to show off, well it is better than showing no kindness at all. You know people when they're just one of the strangers. They're too good to smile at others and can offer help. And since I'm one of the strangers right there, I smiled back! This is one of the good things of being one of us—because we know nothing about the place and the danger it can bring us—innocence can make us believe that there is a wonderful place left. That we can still live the day with no doubts. Isn’t it amazing to be a stranger?

Later than that, as I tried to negotiate with the taxi drivers for a lower fare going to domestic airport I met Tito Choy. I had 2 hours left, and whether he will give in or not to my offer, I had no choice but to take his cab. At first, I thought of him taking advantage of my need but I tried not to spoil the moment. I had a lot of things to think upon. I don’t want to be distracted by shallow arguments.

He started the conversation; he talked about parenting, his dreams in life, and contentment. We both exchanged ideas and before I knew it, we arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my departure. I forgot how irritated I was to him prior to our conversation. Before I closed the door he called my name at once and said, “I bet you’ll be the best, you take good care of yourself”. Whatever impression I gave him, I hoped he had read it right.

In the waiting area after I had checked in, I bought 2 pieces of brownies and a bottle of water for myself. I realized I haven't eaten anything for the past 30 hours. I can feel and I can hear my tummy grumbles during that moment. I lost my appetite, even the brownies taste like it’s already a month-old or two but it is not. I seated in a back row waiting for boarding time although there were vacant seats near the television so I can be entertained. I stayed away. I don’t think the programs will suffice the emptiness that I’m feeling. I am as well nervous to see my parents that I’m planning not to get in the plane. I put in my sweater trying to comfort myself—my hands were cold and my body trembled. I wanted to run away, live in a certain place where I can be surrounded by strangers. I wanted to be forgotten by everyone who knew me—and if I can, to go unseen.

The moment I buckled up my seat belt my tears rolled down my cheeks like there were no other passengers and flight attendance around me. I can’t stand firm. I'm going home because I failed. My cry tells a thousand words I cannot speak of. How I long to be held close by my parents and be cuddled like a baby—I am scared though and felt unworthy of my longings. But then again, I heard the voice of Tito Choy from nowhere that there is always an unconditional love of a parent no matter how disappointed they may be. All that I’m hearing was his voice and his understanding. I wished I could talk to my parents the way I talked to him; maybe they too will understand and will advise the same thing.

 I haven’t had the chance to embrace my parents as tight as I wanted to and perhaps like I needed… but the mere fact that they were there waiting for me outside the Kalibo airport is enough.

I’m home. Not as sweet as one may expect but it is.

Puting Elepante

"Alam mo ba kung bakit may white elephant dyan?" tanong nya sakin habang tinuturo ang isang larawan ng mag-inang elepante na nakapicture frame. Napalingon naman ako para lang tingnan kahit parang ayaw ko ng sakyan ang mga analogy nya, di na ako interesadong malaman pa. Ngangalahating oras na rin kasi akong nakaupo sa loob ng opisina nya. Pakialam ko naman kasi sa elepanteng yan, oo maganda ang frame at aristic ang larawan, mother and child  elephant version kaya ang tinutukoy nya? a hindi ko alam. Sasagot sana akong "SB" ba yan, pero for sure di naman nya gets un.

"sana white elephant na lang ako"

Pero di nagtagal dahil sa sobrang tahimik sa loob ng  maliit na opisinang yon, tinanong ko na rin sya kung bakit may puting elepante sa opisina nya.

"Yan, para lang project ng gobyerno natin yan".

Ah naisip ko, baka galing sa politika, pero bakit picture frame lang? Grabe, ang babaw ko na talaga mag isip, naramdaman ko talaga ang kababawan ko sa mga oras na yon. Parang ang bigat bigat ng ulo ko at napapatungo na lang ako, utak ko ba ung mabigat?... panay hangin na utak. Hangin gustong sumingaw, may namumuong pressure. Butasan ko kaya ulo ko. Hay, daming kabaliwan naiisip ko.  Mga walang kwentang bagay sa mundo ang bumibisita sa utak ko. Mabalik tayo, marami naman akong nakikitang furniture na elephant sa mga bahay-bahay, siguro Good luck yan ni doc d2 sa office nya! ayon! isa pang kababawan yon, biru mo at naiisip ko mga ganong bagay.

"Wala namang white elephant, di ba?", dagdag pa nya.  Oo nga ano, natauhan ako sa follow up question nya, mukhang seryoso siya sa gusto nyang sabihin sa akin. Handa naman akong makinig, parang ayaw ko na ngang lumabas ng opisinang yon, di ko na din kasi alam kung saan ako pupunta pagkatapos ng pag-uusap na namin.

"kasi parang proyekto ng gobyerno yan, WALANG LAMAN, PAKITANG TAO LANG YAN". Ang nasabi ko lang "Sana elephant na lang ako". At sumang ayon naman sya sa hinangad ko, tumango lang sya.

Katahimikan. nakakabining katahimikan habang nakikita ko ang mga kaklase ko na nagtatawan sa labas ng silid na yon. Ang galing nga e, wala akong naririnig na kahit ano, nabingi na yta ako sa pangyayari.

"Alam mo, pareho tau, nakikita ko nga ang sarili ko sau e... balang araw alam ko magiging ikaw ung ako ngayon kasi ako noon? parang ikaw ngayon!. tawa lang ako sa sinabi nya pero sa totoo lang naninikip na ang dibdib ko at gusto ko ng sumabog. Luha lang at ngiti ang naibabalik ko sa kanya.

"Kaya nga isipin mo ang elepanteng yan, tingnan mo ako... nagagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko ngayon dahil ginawa ko na parang elepante ang buhay ko". di ko napigilan ang luha ko sa sinabi nya sa akin."hindi naman ako to e, di ko to gusto, may iba akong gusto kala mo ba".

Buntong hininga. Papayat na ako sa kakabuntong hininga ko.

Kung tutuusin, tama naman. May point sya sa sinabi nya, isa nga lang itong malaking contradiction sa paniniwala ko na mararamdaman mo ang  isang tagumpay kapag ang ginagawa mo ay gusto mo. Pagiging praktikal na nga lang ba ang laban ngayon? naguguluhan ako sa gusto kong paniwalaan at dapat kong paniwalaan. Pakiramdam ko humihina na ang kakayahan ko na ipaglaban ang paniniwala ko sa buhay. Nagiging marupok na nga ako. Parang gusto ko na rin paniwalaan ang paniniwala ng ibang tao, mukhang masaya at matagumpay naman yta.

Di ko alam anong puwede kung maramdaman. Matatawa ba ako sa sinabi nya? matutuwa ba ako kasi alam ko na hindi ako nag iisa sa nararamdaman ko? malulungkot ba ako kasi umabot pa sa ganito ang pag uusap namin.

Tahimik lang akong umiiyak sa isang tabi habang siya seryoso nya akong tinititigan at nagkukwento tungkol sa  buhay mula ng pumasok sya sa isang med kahit hindi nya gusto, nag negosyo pagkatapos, naisipang magturo, at ngaun kaharap ko na bilang isang Executive Dean namin sa College of Medicine. Ang layo ng narating nya no? pero hindi nya gusto ang sinimulan nya.

At oo, tama siya. wala nga kaming pinagkaiba. May mga bagay na ayaw mo na sanang ipagpatuloy, pagod ka na, gusto mo ng magsuka, masakit na sa ulo, pero makikita mo nalang sarili mo na pumipilit bumangon sa higaan isang umaga kasi wala ka ng choice, andyan ka na e. pero minsan makikita mo din sarili  mo na nag eexcel sa mga bagay na hindi mo naman gusto. Isang beses lang akong lumapit sa kanya para sabihing di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito sa Med skul na to. natawa lang sya noon, pati ako natawa lang din sa sinabi ko. Alam pala nya kung anong nararamdaman ko.

naikwento pa nya sa akin na natutuwa sya noong 1st 2 years ko perpetual. gusto kung sabihin sa kanya na kahit ako natutuwa noon. ngunit napahagulhol na lang ako ng sinabi nyang...

"parang biglaan naging isa kang pagong, nakikita kita e... gusto ko nga magtanong kaso di ka naman lumalapit kung anong problema, bigla ka na lang tumago sa shell mo at di ko na nakita ang dating ikaw".

Haiz, gusto ko talaga sanang matawa sa mga analogy nya, pero sa halip naiyak na lang ako. ganon na pala ka transparent ang buhay ko?. Kahit ang isang busy na tao na kagaya nya e napansin pa yon. Kung tutuusin yan ang innisip ko ilang araw na, parang missing link sa buhay ko ang pagiging 3rd year sa medicine. Di ko alam ang nangyari, di ko namalayan na tapos na pala ang taon, di ko alam na March na pala ngaun. Di ko alam. Di ko talaga alam. Gusto ko noong magpanic bakit March na pala... mukhang na i-blog ko pa nga yon. Totoo naman kasi, literal akong naalarma.

"Alam mo ba na gusto kung yanigin ang mundo mo para matauhan ka". Galit. sa pagkakataong ito, galit ang nanaig sa akin, bakit sino ka ba, Diyos ka ba para yumanig ng isang mundo. pero di ko talaga alam kung kanino ako magagalit. sa sarili? sa kanila? sa'yo?

 Luha pa rin ang sagot ko sa mga sinasabi nya. nawalan na ako ng lakas ng loob  para magsalita pa. Nakakaramdam na ako na lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay niyayanig ang mundo ko.

Sa mga oras na yon, gusto ko makapag isp kung bakit, kung ano bang nagawa ko, kung anong klaseng tao ako. Tumayo ako, nagpaalam, umuwi, umiyak, at heto na ako, nagkwento ng araw ko.

Nagpapasalamat na lang ako na kahit papano, pagiging white elephant man o hindi, may nakakarelate sa nararamdaman ko.

PS
 pag may nakita kayong isda sa opisina nya balang araw, ako daw yon.
Di ko masyado na-gets kung pano ako naging isda at kung bakit nya nasabing gusto nya akong ilagay sa isang maliit na fish bowl. :) Nag explain naman sya, di ko lang na digest.
Tawa na lang, lurkey na ako e...

Breaktime

after Surgery Exam yesterday...Instead of sighing our lungs out... we headed to Sm Sta rosa and had fun...

Ron, Dolor, Swakie, Pao, Abigirl, Drich and of course, me...

we had little talks of anything under the sun...

and mind you, in times like this everything becomes funny and everyone becomes a laughing stock,

no exception for that.

eat... eat.. and... eat...

and I enjoyed our chitchat ;) 

Gossips here and there...

 medicine Student gone wild and crazy...

And later that night, I went to starbucks for a Java Chips with sis Aicee and Brod Lom

 that's it... I'm feeling better...

I was inspired...

I visited his blog entries last night instead of reviewing for my pediatrics-2 removal exam on Monday…that's for tomorrow already and I haven't had enough knowledge stored on my failing brain cells. Being eligible of taking the removal exam made me feel lucky despite of the feeling "I-know-nothing-because-I-simply-don't". I was crazy indeed but reading his writings instead of reading Nelson and del Mundo's textbook made me feel a whole lot better. I was inspired.

I remember, one moment at the CAS when we're all in the heights of deciding whether to shift or not to shift courses because of MATH 17 and CHEM 16. He saw me carrying books, not of mathematics but of poetry and literature. He asked me then why stay being a biology student when I loved reading those books and I do loved to write. He confused me. I don’t know what happened…I don't even remember what I told him. The next thing that I know was I saw him excelling in his new life while I struggled to survive being a biology student.

Since then, I started to admire the way he live his life and the way he deals with it. That was success. Being happy of what you are doing, success is not about of "they're happy of what you're doing". He is not happy being a biology student, so do I. He chose to leave and fly, I stayed behind. Because back then I was pre-occupied of what others might think of me--scared of unknown.

Until one of his entries catches my attention --not so interesting one but it interests me though. He was sad, so natural but it honestly surprised me. I never thought of him being tired despite of being lucky. I never imagined him being that scared despite people around him. But who am I to judge him… all I know is what I see--he was him smiling and flying with colors.

What really inspires me was that the fact that he was indeed dealing with reality, and I can feel his sincerity right there. I felt the same thing for so may times… I'm not alone then and even the most successful person I know can feel empty the way I am. He was sad and yet he still manage to live.. He was right, there is no other way to get out but to succeed.

Finals

Today, I got less than a month to prepare for our final exam. I am hoping to pass but I do nothing but cry!!! stupid! really out of my mind...

Dean's Office

e2 si pao at ako... ang cute no?!? ganyan na ganyan kmi knina sa Dean's office..nakakaloka... kasi nmn sa lahat ng pwdeng matambayan bt don pa kmi... e e2 namang si Lana Baby umalis... makatwiran ba un?!??!?!??!?!? iniwan kmi don! hai... kasi next time wag ka ng mag walk-out best ha? pwde? mukhang last na walk out mo e nagtampo si dra santos, remember... ngaun naman...hahhahaha kakatawa talga!

nagtanong si doc... MUSTA DAW ANG FIRST YEAR? oi ok to ah, si doc makikipagchikahan pa sa yta amin... ngiti, pacharming ng konti...kunyari nagisip talaga sabay sabi OK NAMAN PO DOC...hai nakkatuwa naman, ang friendly ni doc... set aside muna ang ginagawang project proposal, kasi minsan lang to mangyari...ang proposal naman e para pa un sa August, haler!
NOW, MAY I ASK WHAT ARE YOUR FEEDBACKS?  wahhhh opz! masamang intro un doc a... parang gusto kng balikan ang ginagawang proposal e, bukas na kaya to kelang e present.. gulay, he  is wasting our time...  tahimik lang kmi, nagkatinginan... walang gustong sumagot sa tanong... ilang minuto na ang lumipas... si doc nainip  na siguro sa kakahintay yes! ok na....after 10 years... nangangalay na rin ako sa kakangiti kasi wala akong masagot... napagod na si doc sa kaka yes? yes? yes?

EHEM....OK OK.. LET US JUST SIMPLIFY THE QUESTION... hay salamat!, nakahinga ako, mukhang nawalan ako ng hangin don a... tska mukhang bumaba yta ang temperature.. o natakot lng ako...biglang lumamig... ANONG SUBJECT SA PALGAY NYO ANG PINAKA MAHIRAP? oi, ok un a... sagot agad kmi, BIOCHEM PO sabay tawa ng nakakaloka... hahaha so explain si pao... kasi po ganito ganon...PERO DOC BIOCHEM NAMAN ANG PINAKAMAGALING BLAH BLAHBLA...   napangiti si doc... biochem daw o.. A TALGA. DATS GUD...

E ANO NMN ANG PINAKANAGING PABAYA KAYA?
hehehehhehe tagal ulit makasagot... ang hirap ng tanong... hai, sa isip ko nga sana may next question, please lang namna parang ang toxic ng tanong e.... pero walang question, talagang naghintay ng sagot...hanggang sa napilitan na.. kasi doc ganito un pero doc ok lang kasi nagagawan nmn ng paraan e... inshort wala nmn pong naging pabaya... no one is idle doc, ok naman silang lahat...
ngaun, sino ang always absent? sino ang laging late? sino ang tatamad tamad? sino to sino un.. sino sino sino... parang gusto ko ng sumagot na nakakatakot nmn... meron bang ganon? parang wala nmn... parang ok nmn sila lahat... di ba mga friends???? ok naman sila? di ba? di ba? ok?

PAO: si ano po... ok nmn po... tsaka si ano po.. ok din po
CRISTY: oo nga po.. ok po...
hai... mga lines namin pang famas kasinungalingan award...doc kasi ok nmn lahat, si ano po, ganito pero di nmn nagkulang... si ano po ganyan pero may ginagawa nmn... e kung nahihirapan nmn po kmi e student factor un.... wahahhahhahah kasi po nahihrapan mag catch up, iba kasing subject e mahirap talga... mga bago pa po sa iba.. kaya ganon doc...

biglang naalarma si doc... tahimik kmi..ang dalawang kamay ni doc pareho ng nasa mukha nya... mukhang nabigatan yta sa sinabi namin, ewan ko lng ... so ang sabi e di daw namin kelangan e justify ung mga doctors...wag namin silang ipagtanggol... todo na to...di naman a parang di mapakali si doc... maya mya paglinis nya sa salamin nya.. heheheh pansin ko tuloy na nakamrka na salamin nya sa mukha nya adik.. parang ngaun lng  nya naisipang tanggalin a...

oo na... mukhang nadulas kami a.. ang saya naman... tinitingnan ko ang oras.. tic... ... ... tac...tic.... tac.......... ang bagal, slooowwwww broooo!!!!! mukhang di nagalaw a... defective kaya ang orasan sa notebook ni lana...

e iglang nag tanong, HOW'S THE COMPRE EXAM?!? lecheflan, na carried away ako... doc ang hirap ng compre... parang ang layo yta sa pinag aralan namin LALO NA SA PHYSIOLOGY DOC!... oppppzzzzzzzzz... WHEW!!! nagulat ako sa sinabi ko... lecheflan talga tama bang sinabi ko! biglang na-alarma si doc.. wait wait wait wait.... are you telling me na iba ung tinuro sa inyo or hnd un naituro sa inyo?
TAMEME KA TSONG! ah..EH... ANO PO...  doc kasi... ganito un... hmmm... tagal ko makasagot....  hanggng sa nagsalita si doc, go on sabihin mo... e di go... kasi doc, kulang time sa physio... hay... aun uli... palpak n nmn yta... di pa man ako tapos.. sumagot na xa.. wait wait wait are you telling me na 8hrs/wk is not enough... hmmmm di ko lang masabi na kasi di nmn un nagagamit ung 8 hrs...

Diyos ko, buti na lang maagap si pao sa pagsagot... kasi doc ung nallecture 2 out of 5.. ung the rest e self study na lng un, xmpre iba nmn un kapg may nag eexplain... wahhahwhahw lecheflan na buhay yan...

dami pang sinabi... hanggang sa MAGSALITA KAU AS FIRST YEAR STUDENT... WAG NYO SILANG E JUSTIFY.... galit ba xa? or what? hai, hirap...
ngaun inisa isa ung doctors...si ano kmusta?
wala kaming ibang lines kundi

PAO: si ano po... ok nmn po... tsaka si ano po.. ok din po
CRISTY: oo nga po.. ok po...

mark this day! ang toxic pare... hahaha

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com