September 13, 2007

The Healing Process

            I received a text message from a Doctor early this morning, I was hoping to read a message: “how’s anatomy?” hmmm but I was surprised to read a message: it’s been three months, if you haven’t recovered yet from depression, consider yourself unhealthy, think!!!
            It’s funny to know people out there are so interested about my recovery—especially my dramas! Such an irritating story… I know I disappointed them—seeing me becoming crazy over silly things— that’s it! That’s why they were all interested... my story… my reactions… my decisions—been an intriguing one—tough people don’t react that way—but I did. That’s what they got from believing I am strong! (Hehehe) Hmmm…
            it took me months to realize this reality—I am fine (safe to say I am strong! *Wink*)—living life the way I always wanted to—being what I am today is meaningful!!!

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

September 9, 2007

Expectations

Expectations… I been considering myself the weakest… and feel I am nothing in this world—I know nothing… I am not good… and I was discouraged by life… after I lost my essence and found no meaning of my existence… I just live my life the way where winds wanted me to go…soaring in nowhere… enjoying  the journey with laughter and tears… let it be… let it happen… this is my life—who cares?!?

But why are there still people out there expecting something good about me? “Tims, why are you like that?” or “ei, Timz… why? How come? Is that you? Something wrong?” why are they so surprised to know what is happening to me right now?

This is my life… I wanted to be free… let me go… get lost… let me live my life…I am desperate to be happy…let me be...

I am not good… I am not strong… I am not smart… I am Cristy—and I am so tired of expectations.

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

September 7, 2007

Trust, again

I was serious when I promised myself I’ll never trust anyone anymore. Who needs a weak wall to lean on anyway? It is as good as nothing.

But guess what—promises are really meant to be broken—I found myself trusting once again. Pathetic truth isn’t it?

Here I am— seas and mountains away from home… I was once determined to live alone…away from family and friends… and most of all, stay away from making friends. Seems like running away from reality—no… I need friends…never.

I then tried to reach out—but I was rejected by the old ones. Perhaps they are fed up of me—slap me dear reality! It hurts but it is reality speaking—dare to find fault?

Came to a realization this past few days and I have proven myself wrong… my pride of not wanting a friend and fear of trusting is not a help.

I was accepted by people whom I never thought would accept me, for who I am— me being snob, bad-tempered, oftentimes self-centered. With their little bit of hesitant of trusting me back—I presumed; we became good friends. We differ from one another, but our chemistry produces good product. It may be an early conclusion, but those people I never expected to become my good friends are such a wonderful blessing right now. I owe them my laughter and smile—.
Originally posted at

September 5, 2007

Madness

I feel so empty… I am floating into nothingness… and I am heading into the middle of nowhere… walking in the midst of darkness…I hear myself screaming in pain…it echoes back to me… journey… is this life? I wished it won’t last… because I am tired.
            Here comes my craziness… and there comes sarcastic attacks…
I no longer have tears to cry to clean my sorrow… I am so drained…exhausted…my soul is getting numb…better stay away from me—I am not what I am… I am not good and I will never be one…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

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