July 30, 2011

When death comes, I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep

I saw all these things coming my way. Something I once desired while I was longing to live quietly…just quietly as quite as it could be for I know to live peacefully is something far beyond this way of life. I said I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep. It is not my loss; never will be. For one good reason, I can never lose something that is not mine… You were never mine, I was never yours—the only certain about the two of us.
There are things that cannot be

Again, allow my honesty to be part of this ranting…

How could these things be possible? I crushed myself into the finest pieces that I could be to mold a brand new self. I exhausted myself running so when I ran out of air, I can breathe new ones.  I dropped thousands and tons of tears not to cleanse my soul but for me to be able to walk burden-free… so to envision life ahead of me. Did I fail? Did I?

I desired for nothing but of your death, by death I mean not to bury you six feet under the ground. I desire not of death alone that could vanish your existence but the downfall of walls we created for a supposed backbone of us, the same walls that imprisoned us for years and eventually walls that separated us.

It's been years we've chosen which side of wall to go--I went on the other side while you stayed--we freed ourselves from the worst that could happen. With that, we are both our own heroes.

Gone are the walls, weakened by time. But the dust blown by the wind as it falls down had stirred up the once forgotten emotion—hate and disgust overpowers us. Perhaps, this is what it takes if you create a wall out of a rotten reality. It all falls back to you. Chances are, you will inhale every dust of it and little by little will suffocate you until you find yourself floating down to the dumps.

Have I really been running away my life? Maybe I was just there on the other side of the wall waiting for it to fall down for me to see how far you have moved. Partly, I was there laughing my ass out to create atmosphere that could fan the flames of pain on your side. Perhaps on one part or another, you did exactly the same thing for me. I do not know.  But I guess that is not how we're playing the game. We actually started to live our own lives and finally we found the right person for each other. 

Well, to my surprise I never imagined this could be hard, irritating in a way--why am I so bothered hearing your wedding bells anyway? I should know, you can't actually stay alone right there. You're weak. 

Things are getting clearer our way, reality just sinks in--we been living our lives without each other anymore.

As the walls had fallen apart I saw the death I been waiting my life.  The superficial pain now on its deepest and I found myself trying to ease the pressure. One thing I could assure myself of, this time there will be no shattering, crushing, running, and crying. I had enough of it.

The death is here…starting to furnish each others disappearance…cleaning up!  a little more dust to sweep along the way…and everything will be good. I believe

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