June 14, 2007

Tears to cleanse my soul

I received a message from my friend that she never thought true love do exist in reality, all the while, she thought that at our age love is just a game. When I love him, I never intended to play a game… I never did.
        Life is never a joke for me but they’re making fun out of my life. I always wanted to be good but reality speaks that I need to be bad like them. But why should I follow them when I know what is right from wrong. I never planned to revenge… that will be the craziest thing for me. He was gone, I never let him go but he went away from me—do I have a choice? Still, he is not bad for me; I know he is not bad at all… I believe in him… our story is just over, that’s it.
I am not perfect, my biggest problem in life is my attitude and perhaps he was fed up with it… he was tired… when I asked him if he is still fine, he answered me “I am loving you more each day because of what are” the sincerity was there…he meant it, I assumed.
        He brought changes in my life, he had made me happy, he loved me, made me feel I am the luckiest creature ever lived… but it doesn’t mean I have to put everything to an end…changes must go on for the betterment of my life—for my own life… I need to pursue all our dreams and everything that we have started. Yah right, our greatest and most beautiful plans supposedly.
And now, reality is slapping me and little by little I am starting to open my eyes. I know realized how small my world had become when we’re together. I forgot my dreams, my happiness, my family, my friends—it was a cruel love and self-centered. All I was thinking was how to make him happy, how to make his life better, I am always worried about his health, about his future… about his life… I am so busy telling the whole world I love him… I been so proud to show everyone I care for him… I centered my attention and gave him all my life and love. It is like I appreciated the moon and ignored the stars around it.
Sadly, I forgot I have families, angels and friends that I am rejecting every time I spent time with him and thought of him. I abandoned everyone in my life for him. Ours was not a healthy relationship, its true. It was not love for love is not selfish and not jealous. It was not… I got the right love for the wrong person.
A friend asked me,”did you cry?” –I am still crying my friend. “Are you still hoping to win him back?”—I am still waiting for him. “Do you still love him?”—I will always love him and care for him for the rest of my life. “Is there any hatred in your heart?”—it made me think and I tried to reflect over things. No, there is no hatred within me… I tried to hate him but I can’t. He may hurt me today but that was nothing every time I thought of the thousands of joy he brought into my life. The pain is nothing… these pains are nothing… I am fine… these tears I’m shedding are just to wash my soul and sins we committed if loving each other in those ways is a crime… if enjoying each others company is wrong… and if loving so deeply is not right.
        Bez She told me to stop thinking of him because he doesn’t deserve my time, my love, and my care. I am crazy to love him despite of what he did.
I love him for no other reason; I love him because of what he is. And there is no reason for me to stop loving him... it is not like you love a person today and forget everything the next day—not a simple task… not an ordinary feeling.
Duh this life and damn it!!! Why am I so stupid…? Jayrus is somehow right that I am not using my brain anymore. I got brain… really?!? All I got is heart for him… just for him… how about me? Did I ever think of something for my own good? Something to make my dreams and plans go better… I never did… I depended on him, I thought I will make me a better person so I let him manipulate my life in the thought that it would make him happy and it will make the two of us better.
        I don’t understand myself either… I don’t understand myself anymore… I know it is not right to love him much this way but I keep on holding him inside my heart. I still love him so much… I know he had already accomplished his mission in my life, but I still need him as much as he needed me before… it confused me, my mind is telling me that I suffered enough but my heart never cooperate…
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