Smile though your teeth are aching

I am currently trying so hard to ignore a nerve-cracking pain. So severe! So painful! So agonizing! (Do I sound exaggerated?!?).  Because it is a TOOTHACHE!!! What do you expect? 

Today is a very stressful day...very frustrating...very bad.

My teeth has already caused me a lot of trouble. Apart from those simple recurrent pain due to dental cavities.

Just recently I underwent minor surgery—wisdom tooth extraction because of severe pain brought about by mesial impaction and tooth decay as well. Even my teeth are such a failure having been failed to erupt in its expected place. There goes my inadequate jaw bone, tooth crowding and impaction—my anatomy sucks.  I had survived that pain any way.

I was also diagnosed with temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJD) in 2006. My jaws tend to locked-in. I barely open my mouth to an extent that I can’t fit more than two fingers in my mouth. Can you imagine the risk of having it?.  It affected my ability to speak, eat, chew, swallow, and make facial expressions. I suffered severe pain in the neck and shoulders, chronic headache, jaw muscle stiffness, painful clicking, popping or grating in the jaw joint when opening or closing the mouth. Name it, I experienced them most likely. I wore splint (for more than a year) to correct bite and to prevent farther complications. *sigh* I don't want that to happen anymore...I am now feeling lucky I can open my mouth normally. 

My teeth became so big deal to me then. I decided to wear braces more than a year ago to improve my dental health and of course to look trendy also (*grin*). I know it looks weird too. Shame on us for considering braces as a fashion statement but that’s a reality... It is partly for a “good look” and partly to correct malocclusion.

The day I had my braces on

There are times I curse myself for wearing braces especially when I feel the pressure as my teeth moves. I became one of the non-compliant patients, instead of having the adjustment done every month I had it once in three or six months! I know it will lengthen the time of me wearing braces but I really hate monthly pains. 

What should I say…Smile! Just smile…it’s the simplest strategy on how to survive difficult times. Mind over matter, right? argh! I hope it will work with toothaches. I hope "sleeping/ignoring/pretending to be OK" can take the pain away from me since I refused medication.

An open letter for Lino

 Dear Lino,

How I wished that someday you could actually drop by my site to read this.(Of course that is if you have a damn idea that this is existing)

 Everyone knows how much I hated you.

How I hated myself that I wasted my time for us.

I hate you for I can’t blame you because there is no point for that. It’s another waste of time.
*Sigh*
If I could only slap you, kick your ass, and throw you away, I’ll really do. But I just can’t. All I want now is to be free from everything there was.

And if given a chance to be with you again, you know what I’m going to tell you?

Please learn to use the “no comment” line when you’re asked about us, about me, or about the past because it is over.

I wished I had the right to demand to you to forget everything about us and anything about me.

Don’t you have any idea how stressful it is on my part to hear something about our relationship before, just because you told them? I am expecting that there is still “just-between-the- two- of-us” facts even our relationship had already ended. I thought it was air-tight! 

It’s over so you should have kept it yourself instead of broadcasting it to the whole world. I know you got friends, you got our Brods , you got our Sisses. What are you trying to show them anyway?  Please! Learn to pick and throw the right thing.


And for the worst, I'm sorry to tell you that it is a gay thing to create a story to make the drama complete. I hate you for that. I really do. You're making me sad, you never failed to do so anyway. 

I can’t feel you, I even don't know you anymore…you've gone too far... or perhaps, that's the real you.
I need some respect...
For once Lino...


Sincerely,

Sis Cristy

*expect me to smile and act like I have no idea*

P.S. 
My hope is not to see you and not to hear from you especially now that I am mad.

Bridge

They come and go; some as easily as they can while I can't. Something seems wrong, at least to my concern. The eagerness to uncover the other side is frustrating. 

same old story to tell

I am  now sitting in the place where I once sat down on the 5th day of June 2002 while i wrote the above poem. 

 The very same room is now dark, empty, dull and lifeless indicating years of abandonment.  I spent most of my time in this cozy place, staying late to write poems and journals, my hiding place to cry for no good reason. Crying back then is just because of the things I created, some dramas out of my imagination. Crying now is because of what is happening, a real one. And it is not easy like I thought it was.

I closed my eyes, sat on the floor and rest my back on the same wall…strangely I felt how it was, the pain, the tears, the longing... God!... My hope remains the same.

closing eyes...

I apt to dwell in the dark and let the nightmare play as if I had no other choice but to scare myself and make a creepy ghost out of my existence.

I was shattered into pieces and turned into dust til my being is no longer visible and my essence gone.

I felt alone in a middle of the crowd.

And if closing one's eyes is a way that could prevent from sinking to abyss of melancholy then I would close mine.

Yet I learned that the more I face the world blindly, the darker my world becomes , and the greater my chances of falling apart into pieces.

Going home...

I hardly believe I'm going home today. My bags are ready, all packed up in one corner. But I am not, I'm sitting on a floor trying to hold my tears while my eyes on  my baggage, yeah! and I'm trying to talk to myself again as I write here. what I feel right now can be likened to a death of someone close to my heart,*nod* but lesser than that I supposed.  I thought of going home long before the result of the promotion board came out and I was anticipating then that I'm not gonna make it to the list but I never thought of it this hard. I guessed, it's my hope that fails me. oh! disappointments seems to be everywhere. I'm praying to wake up one day free of rage because I'm really mad right now.

I'm going home, and I guess...there is a long and winding road that awaits me.

I can't find my way out...

Today is another day...

when all I wanted to do is to dig within and look for hope...

and all I wish to remember is how it feels like to be inside my mother's womb...

when I desire for nothing else but enlightenment...
I seem to be stranded amidst darkness...

Dark  and empty world... is this how it feels inside that womb? This is perhaps the reason why I wanted to see the world back then, its because of my search for light and freedom to move. Now that I'm feeling the same thing in almost the same situation of being in a dark... I wish I could find a way out here.

"Action Completed Your account has been cancelled"-- friendster

there goes the message saying "Action Completed Your account has been cancelled" from friendster. 

Perhaps, this is just a part of my craziness right now but I am so decided to cancel all my existing social accounts...  

I am drowning in pain again, I wanted to isolate myself from the world, stay disconnected, give some time for my self to think, go to place where I can see the whole picture of my life right now. I feel so small and the world around me is so big. I wanted it to be the other way around. It would be easy then.

Soon I'll be deleting facebook if can give up my yoville and farmville! (seriously, that's the only thing that keeps me holding) or better yet, erase another set of friends. I'm not going to do such with my multiply and blogger account though. The two remains my hiding place in moments like this-down, empty, and no one to talk to...this is where I confess everything.


I got friends alright, only that, it is a matter of accepting their criticism for me to grow or face their rejection. 

sometimes I like to believe that there are a lot of people out there who doesn't understand why some of us post what we feel in the net or blog instantly. An honest status at facebook for instance will not yield comments right their but when they see you in person they'll just surprise you with sarcasm. For them what is right is what they're doing. and if they're not doing what your doing then you are absolutely wrong! If something is difficult for them to manage, they'll tell you about the hardship they been through. If things become so easy in their part and not on yours, they'll tell you "what the hell, how come you don't know that?, are you serious?!?" as if your dumb and silly. 

They talk as if you have no right to feel emotions other than happiness.

Birthday?

Today is my 24th birthday… the saddest of all.

 

 I feel weak, empty and scared. I wish I could stop everything, freeze the world in a snap. I wished to be invisible, to run a way, shout out loud and scream. I wished to let it out--strange emptiness from nowhere. Oh burdens of pain, hatred, and regrets I wished I could return you to where you really belong.

I struggled enough. I wanted to be free.

To run away… just the thought of it tires me already. I had no energy left since I been running all my life--been running from pain. I wanted to seek for another hiding place, where no one can see me dying in agony. For some, what I feel is stupid and nothing.

To be invisible. So I can cry, I can shout hurting no one.

To stay disconnected from the world so that no one will remind me of who I am and who I was.

A struggle worth struggling for

Tomorrow I hope to start a new life... And I mean it… hopefully I will.

I honestly miss being myself. I wanted to get my old life back. I mean the old one, long before I met him. Long before I decided to join the Beta Sigma Fraternity and Ladies Corps.

But this fact hurts me as well. Maybe the disappointment it brought to my life. Perhaps, being one of them… I mean us… whatever! Ok, one of us or them is indeed tough. I personally walked in a rocky road. I now understand the importance of light, 'cause it is indeed a dark place to live in. My light was gone. To pass a letter of denouncement is not easy, not part of my stupidity… I supposed. I believed that it was not stupid to quit and turn my back away from them because I have reasons.

Been here for almost a week already, and all I did was bug him down, blame him, and tell every single regrets I have … though part of me believed that I am unfair and I am acting rude for being such. I always wanted to stop doing those stuff, but I cant! Discipline and self control is nowhere to find, perhaps because of hatred. I hate myself for being so… I don’t know exactly what to describe me… perhaps nothing could.

I'm here to think, and ponder on things. I should be… I've been a monster for months already, my manner is unforgivable and the words I utter is as smelly and fishy as it is. I am a monster who wants to get her old self back… the one being respected by many and the one who respects herself because she deserves to be. Respect… how can I ever respect myself if we fight and still sleep together and the next day acted that there is nothing comes between the two of us anymore. How come we see each other once in a while, stay together for a week or two under one roof again and if asked we both tell everyone we decided to take paths of our own. Stupid and degrading, isn't it?

I don’t want to do those stuff any longer, I wanted to stop. I've been in my worst self… I was worst and getting even worst every day.

Everyday was a struggle to me, an unnecessary one. And today, I wanted to start a new struggle worth struggling for. I don’t want to waste my time blaming myself why I wasted my life with him…its like wasting my life because of my wastes. Making mistakes from another mistakes. I want to stop hoping for something so impossible.

Sometimes, reminding myself that life is better off without him is not enough because I often stayed to give chance for both of us… that what if he will change..what if I'll wait for a while ... There were so many what Ifs going on in mind. Nothing changes. He loves to tell lie s and he has always something to hide. Despite it all, I once hoped someday I can hear him telling no lie and act with no pretensions. That one day he will wake up and will live in honesty. He is a big fat liar from the very start of our relationship and yet I accepted him hoping he'll change...

Everyday, I talked to the Lord. I already told him everything: how scared I was that there will be no one to protect me, how I always wanted to be loved and to gain his respect …how I longed for those times of him being proud of me. I already did my part of giving us both chance to change and make things right. I had nothing to offer now. I already give what I have.

Misunderstood

Slicing and dicing, she cuts deeper and deeper,
seeing just one drop of blood will make her happy.
Crying and shaking, she raises the knife,
wishing for the courage to take her own life.
Pushing harder on the blade, trying to die,
she often just sits and wonders why;
Why are people so selfish and hating,
nobody knows the pain she suffers through.
She just wants love, why don't they understand this?,
nobody says I love you or asks her how she is doing.
Wanting love more than anything in the world,
wanting to feel pretty once in awhile.
Crying and trying to die once again,
all she really needs is one caring friend.
Depressed all the time for reasons unknown to herself,
wishing all the pain would just go disappear.
Trying to be happy and funny is hard for her,
even when doing things she once did enjoy.
No courage to actually kill herself,
just cutting makes her feel better.
Wishing she could die, not knowing why,
just wanting love and companionship.
Crying and shaking, she raises the knife,
wishing for the courage to take her own life...

this is just a repost, author unknown to me

Send my love to heaven

*A re-post, I am not the author of this wonderful love story*


What can I say about a girl I loved since I was ten..... that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night show? Somehow, I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there's no hope in doing so. For now, it's rather too late- too late for me to do so.


She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love her not only because she's pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.


I could still remember the first time we met; I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a neighboring state because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I've seen. She was four years old that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said, "By the way, my name's Sam, what's yours?" I answered, “My name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, “Well I like your name. Hey your tree house's neat!" then I replied, “Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said "I'm here now, we could do things you do with troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It's a deal then!" So that's how it started.


So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to loose a week’s allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.


The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other's dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.


As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once, when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.


Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.


We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments, flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance mixed feelings of anger and hurt because it hurts so much to know that there were so many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.


Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.


Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. every time we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there's a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I whisper the words "God how I love you."


Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up to their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.


So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.


So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I couldn't bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her I love her. So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.


It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to die just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We we're silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam." The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!" I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.


Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then asked, “Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I turned to open the door for her.


When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said," Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.


It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven't done it.


We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she doesn't know. So I went and search for her.


As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium. Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn't return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.


The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me. There was something in her eyes I couldn't describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled it wasn't the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.


So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I'm worthy of having her.


It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her. Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her.


I reached their house; I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn't smile back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful lasy just like my dear Sam. I then asked," Hi Jen! I guess you're surprised why I'm here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Ummm.........bby the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."


I was confused with the way she's acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but just answered my questioned briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. The Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."


I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I would soon wake up.


I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for explanations and slowly started saying," It has been a week since she died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE. She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a parcel and with that she left.


I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading........



******************************


I know by this time you read this letter I'm gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you. I would also like you to know that I had left something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that's why the happiest days of my life was when you were by my side. You just don't know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can't stop crying because I'm afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can't bear to see you with another girl. I just want you all to myself. I may sound selfish but that's how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to full myself that you're in love with me too. So many nights I've cried when I think of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I'm saying are lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.


I know you might be thinking of Mark but I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know how you would react and with that I'll know that you love me too. But I failed for you didn't give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explained to him that it's you whom I really love. What happened next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me, I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.


Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will be yours alone.


P.S.
Think of me sometimes.... and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.



************************************



I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."

The Wanted Isolation

I dreamed of peace, and I quest for the inner one. I wished to wake up one morning free of fear and hesitation to face the world. Walk onward to welcome life as what it is— define it as a place where pain and happiness conspires to make a better world. Later in my existence, I wished to be remembered not as the weakest person like what I am today—I desired for a tougher persona.

If not and if I really can’t be tough, I wished I am still the child who enjoyed the silence of the day and stillness of the night.

Living like a doll in a closet, I watched people passing by me, heard them laughing, looked at them cry—let me bring back those good memories and bring it to reality once again.

 How I yearn to be the child in solitude. Perhaps I am just scared of what I am right now making me feel the eagerness to go back in silence.

So true, being in isolation doesn’t mean loneliness at all. It is my life—my wanted one.

This is not my world. Mine is a quite place, where I live alone in silence, where I walk like a ghost and live the way I wanted to live… and my world where no one belittles me.

            Running away from here is tiring. This is reality and I know very well there is no way for me to run away... so I press on and fight to live.

             I have to live this life though I can’t be like the one I used to be

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

December Pain

Obviously, it is Christmas day—25th day of December and today... I already have 21 Decembers in my life…and i guess, I'll be counting more painful Decembers to come. Well. Be reminded of Mr. Grinch who hated Christmas. I do hate this time of the year.

I remember back in my elementary years, I wrote a poem entitled “Is Christmas day not meant for me?” perhaps that explains my sentiments.

As an extra “ordinary” child, hearing from my friends that Christmas is coming saddened me a lot and brings me tears. That’s amazing though! I do know how to cry over life’s drama as young as I am instead of crying because of wounded knees. Those nights I watch my neighbors’ decorated with Christmas stuffs, while ours got nothing—lights off and the rest is sleeping. And on the 25th day of the year, we are all obliged to wake up early to help our parents bake cakes—for the customers. Each one of us is busy, greeting one another is not a big deal and we even ended up with fried egg and rice for lunch--the easiest food we could prepare.

This is what it takes being in a middle class family, we need to earn extra living and celebrating is just an option.

I thought I already overcome the pain, and sleeping before 12 in the midnight could make me leave behind the weeping thing—I was so wrong. I was trying to hold back the tears and keep it by myself. I feel sorry for myself to feel this kind of pain. I mean, I am so old to get hurt. I should be accepting the fact that today is just an ordinary day.

I was used to it; it is always the scenario—no more, no less. Though each year, I do wish I could spend one Christmas Eve together with my family. Have a Christmas filled with laughter and not of tears. That’s it; I was left wondering why.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Old Notes

I tried to scan my college notes in Basic Histology because we’ll be having our last exam for second shifting tomorrow. But then I was surprised to read an old message on the back dated January 18, 2007.

There I find out about how sad I was that day. I was supposed to go home to witness the Ati-atihan Festival but then I decided to spend the weekend in my dorm (without going out of the room) to give myself the time to think whether I’ll continue my tiring relationship with Alchel or end it up that very moment.

            Yeah, it did surprise me even the fact that I wrote it because I can’t remember those moments. For all this time, I thought I was the one who is left behind only to discover I did think about it.

            It was written that I been crying for weeks already that I wanted to end our relationship but it was my sympathy on him that is holding me (That was ridiculous of me, I know!). Those were the times I told him and force him to find a good job because I am not going to spend my life with a lazy and irresponsible, immature man. There was even a note that I intentionally insulted and hurt him, because I honestly hated him those times. I am so tired of challenging him. I don’t see a good man in him who could raise a family, while I dream of all the best and having a good life in the near future—he is incapable of that in my own point of you. I am losing all my trust for him that he will really be a good man. The letter was long; perhaps it took me my whole weekend writing such letter. Every word was revealing and surprising that I myself can’t even imagine I wrote it. At the end of the note reveals a striking message: “My only prayer today is for God to guide me that I’ll find a way to end a relationship in a nice way so soon—I am tired and only fools myself”

            Despite that realization, I still choose to hold on as a respect for his kindness to me. I can’t just dump him after all his help and cares… he been good to me.

And why the hell I was acting so crazy when he left? I should be rejoicing when we broke up. I was out of my mind.

But four months later… there goes my answered prayer! I don't know, but maybe it took so long that I forgot I did prayed for it J and by the time it granted me, I already learned to accept the faulty fact—he is the man for me though the realization was there—he is not.

It is good that he is out of my life today especially now that I am in med school. I will never trade my life today in anything else—being on the first step of my dream and having good friends around me who truly believes in my potential. I never felt this kind of good feeling.

I was isolated in my past. I can’t do this and that because of my respect to my boyfriend. I can’t be with my friends because he doesn’t like it. Everything was stupidity making someone to control me and hinders me to grow up and face the real world.

Now is an exact opposite world—and it was good. I can go out with friends and hang out with them anytime and any where we wanted to go. I can make plans on my own—the best part of it. I can realize things faster. I am free. I can see myself becoming a doctor someday. I can picture out myself attending a sick patient. I can do whatever I want to do because no one tries to control me. The feeling is good—enjoying life to the fullest.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

Denial Queen

I believe I've been a denial queen for the past three months… whooahhh been through a life full of pretension—uttering happy words that I never felt at all. I run away but pain chases me. A living zombie perhaps… forcing myself to be numb and denied the pain… everything was a lie—me being a liar.
And I am not here to explain… my intension of leaving away will be forever misunderstood, I guess... call me crazy… tell me I am crazy… but tell me first lil’ things you know about my life… do you know me?

I was attacked by a depression… I suffered from extreme fluctuation of emotions—no one hear me crying... Been out of my mind… been out of this world… been the person I am not… BUT THE THING IS… I’M BACK— or perhaps I am still on my way back to reality… I am on a right track…I can hear myself laughing… how I miss laughing… how I miss my laughter… it feels so good…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Great realization

This is my first time to wake up on the 22nd day of the month and feels nothing… I feel no hatred and I feel no joy today. For the past two years and eight months of my life I either wake up so happy or so sad. And I guess this is the start—I am over him.

            Today, allow me to share to you my greatest realization:
He is so good—and you read it right! I really feel no hatred for him because he is so good…there is no other word describes him. When he came into my life, he made a lot of changes in it—all were for own good and it made my life somehow perfect… when he came out he still made a very good change—He is so good that in every decision he made, it always favors me… isn’t it sweet?!? It was a very wonderful chapter; it started and ended up marvelously. I can’t write here the whole story for it might be a boring and clichéd one. All I can tell you is that he had done everything for me. He made me happy; he made me feel how it was to live like a princess. It feels great… so perfect.
I am so thankful for having him once. He brings out the best of me. He made me strong, be close to the almighty, and most of all, he taught me how to be humble and stay away from troubles. I owe him everything that is good in me right now—I learned how to live with a positive outlook when I was with him. I learned not to give up easily; he had guided me to the right path… that was his mission! A very challenging mission and I salute him for a job well done. He changed me and made me better.
And I discovered more realization when he left me… I now want to thank him for leaving me; he is not unfair at all—too bad that there is no way for me to tell him this. He is such a perfect lover—he never dares to harm me… only that I reacted in a wrong way…so soon… and I thought that he fooled me. He never fooled me anyway (let me clear that to you guys), because what he did was for my own good… its true that he cheated on me but I now realized that it was a perfect blessing on my part… how can I ever thank his goodness…
My memories with him will be cherished—those were the moments and experiences that made me a good person… not so good but I’ve been miles away from the one before I met him.
            And the dreams I gave up? I am starting to build it up again … I am dreaming my old dreams… and I am starting to make things happen.

Destiny

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be awaited for, it is something to be achieved.—William Jennings Bryan
People tend to believe that if two people are meant for each other, destiny will find its own way for them to live happily ever after. A sort of fairy tale, like the story of sleeping beauty who sleep for hundreds of years until her prince charming woke her with a single kiss… nice one! Is that because they were destined for each other? I never believe in fairy tales…hmmm silly stories… what I appreciate most is a sad-ending story, Titanic? Peter pan? Those were perfect stories, it amazed me. The story was so real…everything was so real… and I know it was based on reality.
A Sad-ending story always makes me cry. For me, that is a destiny for each and every one of us—we are meant to be sad at the end of the line.
But then, when I met him… I started to live like a princess. I thought I am one. We made a perfect story. And the worst thing—I forgot that fairytales never exist.
‘Let him go, he’ll be back if he is for you”… I cried but I wanted to laugh at it. For I know, letting him go is as good as the moment of his death. Destiny is not a chance but a choice! I let him go… I am crying for his death… no one ask me why I am crying… I am crying because he passed away. I considered him dead… lucky him who is now resting in peace…and damn me who is left mournful… but I am holding his memories. Those happy times we were together will be cherished for the rest of my life. And he will be love by me as long as I live…
For I believe that if you want something you have to put your best foot forward. Destiny is just an excuse to let things happen instead of making things happen… now that I have suffered enough… I am fed up! Really! I did my best to save our relationship… I have nothing to regret. My conscience is as clear as crystal. I did nothing… I will do nothing against it.
I never considered him my enemy…despite of the cheating thing that happened. Isn’t it that sometimes we need to cheat for us to survive? We have to be bad to live? We have to defend ourselves— it is his way of survival… it’s his way to live his life…

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com