December 27, 2009

A struggle worth struggling for

Tomorrow I hope to start a new life... And I mean it… hopefully I will.

I honestly miss being myself. I wanted to get my old life back. I mean the old one, long before I met him. Long before I decided to join the Beta Sigma Fraternity and Ladies Corps.

But this fact hurts me as well. Maybe the disappointment it brought to my life. Perhaps, being one of them… I mean us… whatever! Ok, one of us or them is indeed tough. I personally walked in a rocky road. I now understand the importance of light, 'cause it is indeed a dark place to live in. My light was gone. To pass a letter of denouncement is not easy, not part of my stupidity… I supposed. I believed that it was not stupid to quit and turn my back away from them because I have reasons.

Been here for almost a week already, and all I did was bug him down, blame him, and tell every single regrets I have … though part of me believed that I am unfair and I am acting rude for being such. I always wanted to stop doing those stuff, but I cant! Discipline and self control is nowhere to find, perhaps because of hatred. I hate myself for being so… I don’t know exactly what to describe me… perhaps nothing could.

I'm here to think, and ponder on things. I should be… I've been a monster for months already, my manner is unforgivable and the words I utter is as smelly and fishy as it is. I am a monster who wants to get her old self back… the one being respected by many and the one who respects herself because she deserves to be. Respect… how can I ever respect myself if we fight and still sleep together and the next day acted that there is nothing comes between the two of us anymore. How come we see each other once in a while, stay together for a week or two under one roof again and if asked we both tell everyone we decided to take paths of our own. Stupid and degrading, isn't it?

I don’t want to do those stuff any longer, I wanted to stop. I've been in my worst self… I was worst and getting even worst every day.

Everyday was a struggle to me, an unnecessary one. And today, I wanted to start a new struggle worth struggling for. I don’t want to waste my time blaming myself why I wasted my life with him…its like wasting my life because of my wastes. Making mistakes from another mistakes. I want to stop hoping for something so impossible.

Sometimes, reminding myself that life is better off without him is not enough because I often stayed to give chance for both of us… that what if he will change..what if I'll wait for a while ... There were so many what Ifs going on in mind. Nothing changes. He loves to tell lie s and he has always something to hide. Despite it all, I once hoped someday I can hear him telling no lie and act with no pretensions. That one day he will wake up and will live in honesty. He is a big fat liar from the very start of our relationship and yet I accepted him hoping he'll change...

Everyday, I talked to the Lord. I already told him everything: how scared I was that there will be no one to protect me, how I always wanted to be loved and to gain his respect …how I longed for those times of him being proud of me. I already did my part of giving us both chance to change and make things right. I had nothing to offer now. I already give what I have.

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