Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Hello, Monday

When someone woke you up, call you at around three in the morning (having your phone set on a full-volume  annoying ring tone, if in cases of emergency), just to ask you "what are you doing?"... A not so good way to start a week, hey! today is Monday. That was sweet actually, how could they be so thoughtful?-- inviting you to eat something from the nearest convenient store because they're all worried you might be hungry after eating ampalaya and egg from the last night's dinner, not the usual food we had. But I'm sorry because I am totally pissed off. I Shut my cellular phone off and tried the hardest I can to calm myself so I can go back to a sound sleep. I somehow did.

and so my Monday madness started... Rock on!

Today, I am also going back from a long weekend of movie marathon to the radiology office where I am currently rotating. These days I'm spending half of my day trying to identify anatomy out of a black and white films and go home feeling mentally drained, oh headache! I was left reading Anatomy books.

The Photographer said "I like that smile, it's perfect"... yes! its the Photographer, and he needed to say those lines, actually!

Went to the Graduation Pictorial. One nice lady made my hair with all her patience, a young lady shaped my eyebrows into something I don't actually like, an obviously spoiled brat who happens to have an obsession on eyelashes (that was according to her mom) added a false eyelashes to mine, and a not-so-young-not-so-old make-up artist made the final touches. One chair after another. What was that all about?

The make-up artist mentioned clients, personalities (I'm not familiar with), experiences that tells everyone in the room she is actually a good artist. I heard a lot of marketing strategies like the usual: This one is better... Those were expensive products... you are actually paying us less (400php for the hair and make-up and 100php for the false eyelashes) than we deserve to receive because we wanted you to look better than you expect... I heard lines and lines and lines that would convince us they're good. I had my mouth shut all through out since I did not expect for a service likened to a high-end salon. Felt better then.

The photographer maybe 4-ft away from the subject uses an SLR camera, two studio lights, a black background, a chair. At the corner of the room is a mountain of shawls of different colors  that we could use as our formal dress, one toga that we pass on to the next person in line, and coat and ties for the men. Nine of us occupied that little office turned studio where we hardly move.Awkward! they don't even have the curtain where we can change. Aside from the 2350php we paid for the graduation package we still have to pay 300php for the extra shot and another 350php for all the copy of pictures saved on a CD. Goodbye 3600php, Sad face. 

Thank goodness for being in a circle of crazy people,  instead of complaining resolved to just laugh.

Tomorrow is another day, Tomorrow is no longer a Monday.

Time travel: The Crêpe I made in Boracay Island

 

I nearly forgot the name of the french restaurant I've visited back in 2009 somewhere along the beach front of Boracay Island. Prior to this, I have to search on-line, typed in "Crepe at boracay" knowing it serves crepes.

And so I remember Ti Braz, thanks to Google search engine for reminding me of my failing memory. I was actually there to pay my friend a visit, not to eat. Its not the usual food that could satisfy my hungry stomach and its not even the kind of place I'll hang out at.

The demonstration of this and that

Can I write something like "when the cat is away, the mouse will play"? I wrote it anyway.

Since her boss was out during my visit, no one reminded us that visitors are not allowed during working hours. There goes my friend, a very typical employee together with her very typical friend (that's me tolerated her).  Why so typical? A lot of employees are halfhearted nowadays, they only do good at work when someone is supervising. When there is none, they forget rules. "That is a typical employee is all about and a typical friend says this-->" Good thing I'm just a friend trying to have fun--I'm a little conscience free.

So....as I was really tempted to help her because she seemed to be having fun while working, she allowed me to enter to their "employee only" zone. She taught me and had given me one good chance to make my own yummy crepe free of charge *wink-wink*. Such a perfect treat, isn't it? :)

This is not my ordinary Pancake

Mango Crêpe with Vanilla Ice Cream and Chocolate Sauce on Top

 I made one for myself (with a lot of help of course, my friend did the final touch) I only had the crepe done by spreading the prepared mixture onto a flat circular hot plate using a spatula. The making wasn't easy, I think it requires experience and skills (a lot of it) The idea is to distribute the mixture evenly until a very thin cake is achieve without tearing them off. The one I made wasn't perfect, what do you expect for a first timer?!? (now I'm being defensive for not making it right).

More than having a free mango crepe? It was really the the preparation that made it special. 

North bound trip

It was just another ‘Out of the blue invite from a good friend… but that North bound trip was pretty well an answer to a prayer.

All I ever desire back then was to ‘take hold of freedom’ and ‘experience how it feels like to be free’ (again) even in the simplest way that I could. I wanted a break from the life I had... from the path I’ve chosen. My life was a mess and everyday felt like a waste then. Prior to our unplanned get-away, I had already challenged myself to go to a place I’ve never been my entire life (I should be alone) to prove that I still had the nerve to be me—that I can make my own decision… that I can still meet and talk to people…that there is life other than mine…

The travel was good but unfortunately the way of life remained just the same back home...but still, My stay at Vigan was a really good experience. I enjoyed and I managed to set my burdens aside--felt so free when I was there.

Vigan, a city influenced by the Spaniards (?!?). Believe it or not that was my first time to hear "VIGAN CITY". I never knew the place exists. ( because I never paid attention to my history and geography class!) So I was a little bit surprised when I heard from the man inside the ticket booth that it is a ten-hour bus ride from where we were (Quezon City).

The excitement was there in the face of being a stranger. The first thing I asked myself was “Is this Vigan?” The place was a typical of a small town having regular folks…it was around six in the morning when we arrived. From the bus terminal, a tricycle rode us to Grandpa’s Inn, a charming old residence that was converted to accommodate travelers and guest. It only cost us 800php/night (I think) for a decent room with amenities that includes a clean comfort room, two comfortable beds, a ceiling fan, and a television—good enough for us.

*traveling back in time, sometime in December 2009*

Shanna’s itinerary is of great help, we know where to go and what to do thus maximizing our stay with a whole lot of fun .And this proved me wrong... Vigan is not at all a typical town.

Indeed a very convenient checklist...
I know! I said it was unplanned...it really was
but that doesn't mean one of us did not anticipate a North bound trip.
Having a checklist is a good idea.
So let the tour begin...

 

 Calle Crisologo

We enjoyed the walk through the four blocks of cobblestone streets lined with heritage houses. I never really realized the "four blocks of cobblestone" until I read the city's commercial site on-line.

The houses are simple but very detailed in architecture which have been turned into stores and museum...

you can visit the street anytime you wanted but for me it was great during evening when the street transformed into 18th century-like ambiance.whoa! Time travel!!!
in addition, it is also nice because the place is cozy for lovers...sweet :)

Vigan Houses, most was converted to commercial buildings. We never really ate at famous resto and fast food. We contented ourselves eating in Carinderias which served famous Vigan foods (especially longganisa and Lutong-bahay foods--very Pinoy) in cheap amount. 60php already mean a heavy meal... a very heavy meal...

 

Calesa ride

A fun ride around the city and the surrounding town.

We paid 300php for (more than) three-hour service, worth it!

we're lucky enough to meet a friendly cochera who then became our tour guide for no extra charge...

In general, Locals of Vigan are very accommodating... it's like a home away from home.

Baluarte

the governor's fortress owned by Gov. Chavit Singson

I think  the place was still on the process to improvement during our visit...

It  features a mini zoo with exotic animals and the one I enjoyed--butterfly garden!!!, 

a small calesa... yes! having a small horse... a donkey I think, gave us a free-ride so we can get closer with some of the free animals like deers and ostrich...scary though but still fun

Father Burgos Museum 

The ancestral home of Father Burgos, one of the three martyrs who died by strangulation 

Inside were well taken memorabilia and photographs, family antiques, Father Burgos’ quarters and a mini library containing his student Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere which we argued if it is authentic. 

We were, by the way, guided by a tourism graduating student.

Pagburnayan

These men showed us how a burnay is made while we talked to the owner.

Accordingly jars were not only for decors but also useful among salt-making business as their storage...

"The making of burnay is done with just the use of the potter’s skillful hands and use of pottery wheel and kiln. Fine sand is used to temper the clay, which once fashioned into the desired shape is placed inside high-temperature ground kilns made from brick and clay."

Shrine of our Lady of Charity

Saint Agustine Parish Church

One of the oldest churches of Ilocos Sur
Since it was my first time I offered a little prayer...  

Bantay Belfry/ The famous bell tower

I've seen pictures of friends beside the bell but I never knew it was in Vigan...

located in the Bantay district of Vigan 

It was said to be the people’s watchtower, part of the city’s defense that helps in alerting it against possible enemies.

At the top of the tower I was amazed by the panoramic view of the Vigan community...

amazing! 

I'm so in love with the place

This garden is no longer a secret to us...a private-owned tourist attraction that displays and sell very expensive variety of plants, serves coffee, and a good hang-out too.

 Crisologo Museum
The last of all the Museums we visited owned and maintained by Crisologo family

Villa Angela Heritage House

Again, I never knew the history of the place until the visit. They said, Tom Cruise was one of their guests (not really a big deal to me). Then it also display the wooden carriage used by Irene Marcos on her wedding.

A visit to Vigan will not be complete without tasting its famous Vigan empanada and Royal bibingka...
Empanada cost thirty-five pesos each which is quite expensive for me to have as many to fill my hunger

After a day of tour...We had a little good time at the bar then transferred at Grandpa's resto because there was one not-so-kind-woman who pissed us.

  And here's more of the fun we had...

I want Mangga :)

All of the sudden I crave for a ripe mango!!!

Mangoes are my favorite fruit of all so this is  just a little bit of a random food craving(?)...

but not this early! it's 12:43 am, it's raining so hard and no one is going to buy for me...but even if there is, for God sake this is IBAJAY and the marketplace here closes as early as five in the afternoon.

Argh!

I hate this experience, every time I close my eyes all I see is M.A.N.G.O.

What the hell!

See you in my dreams my ever dearest mangoes...

2008 Manggahan Festival (Guimaras Island)

Reminds me of Manggahan Festival... Mango everywhere

A cup of Hot Caramel Macchiato for me!

The Third Place

It’s not home.

It’s not workplace.

It’s that special place between where we meet to awaken our senses, to find inspiration, and to make tasting connections.

 (Starbucks Coffee)

Source: google.com via Cristy on Pinterest

Coffee is always the first thing I could ever think of whenever I wanted to break free.  It is so powerful that it can bring me back to the old world where I fit in—unruffled. The smell it provides can steer me to a promising escapade.

And until now it still amazes me each time I think of those moments back when I used to call my coffee buddies so I can have someone to share my worries with--I used to asked for some small talk. Then the moment the coffee is served in front of me it seems it automatically drive away all the sadness. That simple. So the rest of the hours will be spent on catching-ups and chit-chat and there will be no more melodramatic talks. It is constantly serve with magic.  Every cup can make ordinary moments turned into something wonderful.

This doesn’t mean I crave for coffee only when I’m sad. I can spend a whole day motionless as long as I am served with a cup of coffee. A day seems incomplete without having a sip of coffee in the morning. Night seems not over without it also.

I’m a coffee lover and I can have any kind of coffee anytime and anywhere I wanted. Life is so simple; an aroma of it can make me smile, a sip of it can make my day, a cup of it keeps me going. I love it especially on rainy days…in the morning…in the afternoon… at night… while alone… with friends…right now…

Indeed, all I ever think of these past days is a cup Caramel Macchiato and java chips served with cinnamon swirl.

I am so missing those old good times when my friends and I stayed out late at night for a coffee date. 

Operation Big Brother...

I can’t remember her name, how old she was that time, where exactly we’ve met but I remember her smile and I remember this was from her:

A fancy wristband I found inside my closet, maybe once the most precious wristlet for her but will forever be precious to me. Fancy it may look around her little wrist but the moment she transferred the bond to mine it became special that brought unsurpassed emotion. A gift made of sincerity and valued with sentiment. 

It was her pure heart who gave me the bond. I remember her saying “Don’t throw this away when you step out from this orphanage; promise me to keep this for this rubber band means a lot to me”. I was wordless that moment, bowled over to say the word “thank you”.  She spoke like it was the most expensive gift a child could offer.

It is a tradition of The Beta Sigma Fraternity and Ladies Corps to conduct “Operation Big Brother”  every December with its purpose not just to show people the good side of being a frat man but also to extend hands free of will—gift giving, foods, games-- just to make the orphans happy. That was the only OBB I attended.

The whole body agreed to visit “Kanlungan sa ER-MA Ministry Inc.” on 2008 somewhere in Laguna. I was hesitant to join the programme with a thought that it would just make sad children sadder by slapping them with a reality that they’re just an orphan contented with a small visit. I was wrong. 

Each kid has their own way to make themselves passionate to us. They never showed discontentment in life. I never heard them talking that they were abandoned by families, rejected by people, left behind by lifestyle.

They possess the power to make simple things priceless as simple as it seems. They can touch heart without knowing how and free from intention of changing one’s life. Life has not to be perfect to be wonderful.

They may be sad but they lift their own spirits not to be doomed in sadness. Inspiring isn’t it?  

At first, I thought that maybe these kids were just overwhelmed by the presents and the foods we prepared. But they weren’t. They were more interested to hear from us… of how good life is outside the orphanage… of how lucky we are with our lives. They were more excited to show to us what they’ve prepared. 

At the end, we we’re the one who was entertained. We were there to extend our hands, we never thought of those children can offer us more than we could.

Some other organizations were still on the list waiting for their turn to visit while we were there; scheduled with only limited time. The long list made me realized that at the end of our visit there will be another me to visit them, another us, and thousands of people like us that will make them forget about the moment we just have. 

I was wrong with that, again. I caught a young lady who wrote a letter to one of our co-member who was not able to come with us that year. So they can remember because they’re all real. That scene made me cry. I never thought they'll be that real, that they know how to cherish two-three hours of acquaintance.

The Kids have known Beta Sigma for quite some time, this visit was already anticipated and some of them were expecting for the same smile they’ve seen a year ago.

That instant, I thought not of the band around my wrist but the little hand that put them in. I was lucky to meet a child whose innocence touches my existence. 

Missing my bestfriends

10 years of friendship and counting... I"m the luckiest for having them.

We've known each other since our second year high school way back in the year 2000. Our friendship was and is always bonded by our differences—that is, we are able to load and support each others craziness. We’re indeed lucky we are able to manage that thing. I always believed that we’re also strengthened by time for our friendship has its own flaws. I can’t remember how the three of us exactly had met up. That doesn't matter anymore, my hope now is that we will be counting years together.

So, how are them to me when I’m troubled? Bez she is the frank one, she never failed to slap me with reality. Bez Ellyn on the other hand never failed to ruin my moment of sentiments—she is good at making extreme moods reversed.  

That’s why I wished to be with them right now so that someone will slap me and will make me laugh.

I Will Be There – Kyla Music Code

This song is our favorite. Bez Ellyn used to send me lyrics of this when I'm down :)

Ain't easy being a BUM

To those who are currently jealous of me because I seem to be a happy-go-happy even not so lucky 24-year-old future MD, THINK! Believe me, after reading this blog entry, you’ll feel sorry that you once wished to be in my shoes.

Right after my job interview and exam! 

Since I am out of school this year, I needed to find a job. I already ran out of resume. I produced several copies and gave them out to employers in Manila  and Quezon City yet still jobless up to now.


I even thought of standing at the mall entrance to distribute copies of my resume to the shoppers—like a promo girl or something?
 That was a joke of course...a product of my desperation. I am already bored with my life the reason why I move from one place to another. 
A lucky tramp I am that a lot of my friends are actually willing to adopt me for no good or bad reason. But for it’s not a good idea because I always believe that to stay together with friends under one-roof for a day or two is fine. On the third day everything will change, come on! Even fishes stink on the 3rd day! Everyone deserves a break; the excitement is there when everyone misses each other, right?

I still receive weekly allowance from my parents so every week I’m suffering for a “conscience-attack syndrome”. (I coined that syndrome from nowhere for the sake of describing what I feel). To tell you the truth, they’re giving up on me too. Everyday my mother will tell me I should find a job instead of sleeping and waiting for them to send me allowance. And sometimes, I am tempted to answer them back that I got no magic to do what they want. This is not my choice and this is beyond my control. Since I have no right, and I have nothing to show them I just shut my mouth and keep it inside me.

There were times I thought of going back to med school this early…I mean this late because the school year had already started three months ago. Arg! Let me explain “this early” for it might confuse you. This early because I think that it is too early to give up on job haunting. Besides, my pride is at stake, the mere fact that I requested for my transfer credentials—it’s a matter of subjecting me to humiliation. I’ll stand for my decision despite my eagerness to pursue my dream.

My life is plain and simple: my survival depends on how much money I got in my pocket. I can even survive without going home for a day or two: take the MRT, transfer to a jeepney, stop at the public comfort rooms, eat at the nearby carinderia or food chains, spend hours at the mall and when evening comes ride a bus so I can sleep. It is fun. And when I get tired I just head myself to Carmona where I really reside (I'm not homeless anyway) and sleep like I’m not aware of developing a bedsore.

Instead of living this in despair I preferred to live it my way… laugh with it, make fun out of it. 
I’m being honest that being a bum is not easy but I love it. I love my friends!

IceCream, Chicken, Siomai
Luch time;)

So how’s your life?

Captured!

I hardly believe I can laugh like there’s no tomorrow.

(nick, nalyn, tim, and sheena)

 Sometimes laughter needs no reason as long as you’re happy being with people whom you treasured most. 

thanks guys!

Wave

Life is easy. Only when the universe conspire to make it a trouble-free. But what if the world will make a sudden twist and will rather turn the other way around?  Nothing is certain and to live happily ever after can never be assured otherwise can never be a reality. Life is not a fairy tale and to be sprinkled with a fairy dust is something ridiculous to wait for. Although at times, to wait in vain becomes a part of hoping.

From time to time I found myself wondering if being miserable is an option that one chooses to have or it is something that is destined to an ill-fated individual, something one can't get rid of.  My thought over the issue, no matter how hard I contemplate will always still end up with a question mark because it is something I barely comprehend. Now instead of making it more complicated I sometime mull over on how will my question be a statement--and it is where the trouble begun, making the adventure of thinking unbearable and turning the sincerity of contemplation bore to death.

Nothing could come between the pleasures brought about by sitting in a shore to watch the horizon while having chit-chat with old good friends. We burst out with laughter although the surrounding seems to be in wrath.  I feel the cold wind blow so hard. The wind somehow annoys me as it tangles my hair and brings them in front to cover my face and pricks my eyes. It started to rain slightly yet we stayed and made more fun out of it.  I am not sure if a storm is coming or it’s because the sun had set in already. The weather will not matter in any way as long as fun is around. This is being opportunistic though, taking chances to hear myself laughing out loud.

In one point or another I can't resist giving in to the beauty of the coconut trees as it sways along with the blow of the wind.  I can hear the roaring waves while hitting the old port from the distance and it sounds like a beautiful music to me.  I wished to be carried by the wind and fly around the trees nearby and dance with them-- it is indeed a heart melting moment, an overwhelming one. I came to realized that the anger shown by the whole environment is not as bad as it portrays.

One good realization to end the day, that no matter how bad life represents itself, its intention is not as it is. There is a beauty behind to be discovered. Beyond the rumbling and roaring sound of a mad life, there is a fine music waiting to air.