Heading Towards the Finish Line

I'm on my last trimester with less than 10 weeks until the estimated date of delivery—sixty seven more days to go. I am looking forward to embrace the beauty (as well as the other side of it of course) of parenthood.

Sleepless and Midnight trips to the bathroom to empty my bladder became my way of life this trimester. Getting a good night sleep became difficult again. My bumpy belly (bigger than before) brings no comfort.  That’s why I’m here blogging this early (it's four in the morning).

I’m very excited at the same time a bit impatient about meeting my child. The wait is longer than it seems. I can’t imagine myself waiting for another 10 more weeks.  Taking too long...

Along this waiting are my questions and fears. I can't pretend everything is fine. I have worries, too.

My “seem to be endless list of concerns” include…  

1. The fear of the unknown. While people around me are so eager to know of my baby’s gender. I am, on the other hand, is quite worried if my child is normal. Being once in a class of embryology, paediatrics, Obstetrics, gynaecology, genetics I am aware of certain possibilities. I wonder from day to day if my baby will be and is perfectly fine. 

2. The possibility of having serious complications during delivery aside from developmental failure. I’m praying for a trouble-free birth.

3. If I can cope up the pain of labor. What if I’ll collapse?!?  I’m just holding on to the fact that millions of women survived labor and delivery pain.Pain is temporary... It is! it really is! 

4. Financial aspect is getting on my way. I think of diapers, formula, clothing, bedding, cribs, toys, and much more. I should be preparing them, but I haven’t started yet. I wanted everything done before the baby arrives but we need to save for hospital bills and emergency medical cases instead.

5. Relationship with my partner, family and friends. My baby will surely bring changes. A lot of changes. I hope I can handle the pressures other than the things I listed on my post Bits and Pieces of me --things I already accepted that those will no longer be part of my life anymore. 

6. The Grandparents are going to "take-over" my child. My baby's grandparents from both sides are just as excited. What if they will re-live their early parenthood days and not allow me to feel the beauty of being a first-time mom? But I can’t deny the fact that needed help and they know best. I can really sense clash of ideas between us soon.

7. Worry that I won't be good mother. I guess I’ll just wait for my baby so my parenting instincts will kick in. 

8. Worry if we could provide. We are definitely challenged to offer the best of this world. The protection, the comfort, a good future, the necessary guidance, and less the fear of being alone.

9.  Going back to Med School. Being a “supposedly Soon-to be MD” (currently a Mom-to be), out of school and a super bum for that matter, I doubt if going back to school will still be an option after I gave birth. Although I have plans, going back won’t be easy anymore. I wonder who will look after my child and if I am strong enough to sacrifice.

10. The least I could ever think of is my physique. I’ve been feeling looking exhausted becoming the most ugly woman in our town. I never seen the motherly glow they’ve been talking about.  I got this nose like of Rudolph the red-nose reindeer; I got swollen ankles, my neck turned dark, etc.. Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of a supermodel neither the beach bum who wears two-piece prior my pregnancy. I’m not, but confidence lessened a bit. I’m starting to hate skinny pretty ladies my age.

  

Albeit all these fears is the simple truth that I am overjoyed. I know I can do better than all these. Looking forward to see my first born sometime in August.  

Sometimes things just don’t mix up

Today’s hottest issue on news TV is about DIVORCE. The question lies whether “to legalized divorce in the country or keep the matrimony sacred”— a clear clash of ideal and real.

 It is by standard to keep marriage sacred no matter how difficult a problem is to handle. The couple should manage because it is part of their promises. However, reality said that the relationships of today are way different than the kind of relationships established by our “ancestors” or maybe by some of our parents who endure the dilemma of marriage.  I am sure that there are factors that surround them that favour a long and a lasting marriage. Long before women were contented staying at home, men was excited when they day ends because someone’s waiting and…they both socialize together—there was a little chance of building a tension to ruin a relationship.

Should we really have to insist to live the same kind of life in a different kind of environment?

Nowadays, temptation is just around. There are a lot of factors beyond everybody’s control as much as they wanted to make marriage a happy ending—that includes individual priorities, level of contentment, the likelihood of falling out of love and falling in love to someone else because random crap happens. Social lives of each say the modern world contributes.

And we have to consider the fact that a cycle of violence inside a relationship is inevitable once started, once tension is build by the modern world:

“Happy relationship—tension builds—abuses takes place—apologies and excuses—Happy relationship”.

And sadly, it doesn’t stop with a “happy relationship” it rather goes all over and over. I think no one likes to stay and exhaust oneself with this kind. The mere fact that it is a cycle then the relationship won’t go any further. It’s not that they don’t try or they’re not responsible with their obligations, sometimes things just don’t mix up.

The willingness then to stay was replaced by practicality. By practical I mean, why should you doomed and hurt yourself if you can be free from pain and find happiness with someone else? To live with someone is quite a challenge. Imagine how hard it is for two different people trying to fill the empty spaces to complete the existence of one another. A sort of a lock and key is essential to gain a stable bond. If it’s not meant for each other, it will never work unless one of them is willing to modify and choose to become flexible so the other will fit in, which is not always the case.

So who are we to let an individual suffer by not allowing them to be free because of “standard”?

No one refuses to go along with a happy ending, every one is dreaming of a happy end so I think when someone want a divorce it is not their intension to be just separated. They want freedom because it is everybody’s instinct to survive. It’s because every one is learning the art of changing their lives especially if it is not worthy to live.

With this, I can never tell that having a divorce is a wrong act.

~99 days left

Today is good, much better than the previous. 

I’m not happy but at least I have no reason to feel sad. Well, there is actually… I rather choose not to be. 

My distress lies on whether if I can deliver my child normally. In which I am quite confident that I can although chances are… I have no idea what exactly will happen to me in the next three months.*crossed-fingers* (Prayers for good things along our journey)

I'm spending my days doing nothing here inside my four-sided room (aside from chatting with online buddies in the hope to free myself from boredom) while my partner on the other side of the world does everything that he can to earn a little for our expenses. Pleaded guilty for this but there is nothing I can do anyway, I can’t insist myself to make money as much as I wanted to help. 

We worry if we can afford to pay hospital bills and if we can provide our baby’s needs. I guess this is what it takes when you’re not prepared. Surprise! But instead of feeling sad I’m trying to convince myself everything will just be fine and will set the way we wanted. I know we can. We’re not geared up but that doesn’t mean we should feel bad  and regret. 

It is worth worrying... worth waiting... worth everything...

Everything is good.

 

Room 312

Everybody is fine... will be fine in time...

I woke up as early as one in the morning that Friday, 15^th day of the month. I grabbed my cell phone on a wooden ottoman just beside my bed to make sure of the time and to check the sent items. I hardly remember what I felt the night before but I am pretty sure I message every single thing to my partner. I hate waking up in the middle of the night for I felt a little lost.  Such a strange feeling that sometimes it feels like falling oneself from a high. 

 The last text message I sent to my partner was an hour ago which means I did not have enough sleep yet. I told him how active our baby was, my lower back aches and I felt so tired despite doing nothing at all but watch any Hollywood movies that is showed on Star movies or HBO channel. 

That moment I felt pain, my lower abdomen contracted more than my baby moves. Moreover, it seems heavy like my baby wanted to push its head out my tummy. I was trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me and my baby—that the pain I felt was a mere part of a normal pregnancy I was trying to tolerate every pinch of the pain actually. I tried that until 5 a.m. until I have fallen asleep. 

But I knew there was something to worry about.  I was tempted to text my partner that the spot of blood I found is freaking me but all I can ever sent him is a text message that says I love him. I was scared. The last time this happened to me was during my 10^th week and an ultrasound revealed a minimal subchorionic hemorrhage. I was relieved by a medication that lasted for 10 days and a pelvic rest (no sexual activities all during the medication period).  

At 8:00 a.m. that day my Ob is nowhere to find. I went to her clinic; to my disappointment her secretary can’t even tell where she is at. Her phone is out of reach. I almost send her a message saying “hey doc, are you ok?” sarcastically. I can’t believe no one knows where my Obstetrician is.

From her office, we went to the nearest district hospital where I had my urinalysis done. When the lab technician hand me the result I knew I’ll be having a week with 2 kinds of antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and another for a vaginal infection. 

From the hospital we went back to her office hoping that she can read the result and prescribe me the necessary drugs I needed but she was still out. Her secretary then said she was out for a week already and I'm not the only patient looking for her. Great, isn’t it? The doctor that is supposed to help me with my pre-natal care is not around. And you know what is greater than that? She is the only Ob in town; the rest is all general practitioners!!!

We went home, got my personal stuffs and headed ourselves to Kalibo, several towns from ours, to find another doctor. I don’t have to wait for my Ob to read the laboratory results. I don’t even have the idea if I can find her that day. 

So my mother drove me to Kalibo instead where there are better facilities (and of course where there is available doctor to attend to me). It is a 36-kilometer away from home and 45 minutes ride. In our case, since mama is the one driving, make it 1 hour and maybe another 10 more minutes. Before we arrive, we were informed that she was at Manila and she it is impossible for her to attend to me but she has someone to cover her duty. As Instructed we went to the clinic she told us. Upon checking, OB says I had this premature opening of cervix (triggered by my infections), specifically the external OS. My condition should be prevented or else it can lead me to a premature delivery of the fetus.

An hour later, I found myself in one of the ob-ward of Dr. Rafael Tumbokon Memorial Hospital. I was confined to 312 to have a bedrest, was given intravenous, and medications to relax my uterus and treat my infections.

I am now home from a three-day hospital admission. I was diagnosed with UTI (again) to consider premature labour. It didn’t scare me not until today when everything sinks in. I never realized that I almost lost my precious little one. Since I am only on my 5^th month my baby is not likely to survive.

By the way, I went home without seeing my Ob… The doctor that happened to cover up for her just uses the trunkline to check on me. J  

Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

Things are getting more serious...

seriously?!!?

Things are getting more serious at the office. Every seconds of working hours matters. A 5-minute time before a break takes so long. Believe me. I’m not bored since there are a lot of things yet to get done. The working environment is too occupied to give a room for a little laugh. Although at times I laugh on my own mistakes, giggle over the funny conversations I overheard from my officemates, and make fun out of anything there is even it is not funny anymore. Everyday is a “bloopers day” for me. 


By the way, have you ever been in a situation where everyone around is in damn silence and consequently you wanted to burst out for laughter with no reason at all?  Yeah! I’ve been there all the time... Most of the time...The office is driving me crazy!

In addition, things are getting more serious because I can actually feel how hierarchy works among us. I am actually after everyone else at the line. Of course, I have a lighter job than my co-workers since their work requires intellect. Frankly speaking, I feel envious that they can make use of their neurons to do heavy loads of work while all I need is to follow their orders then my day is over. In any way, I haven’t perfected my assignments until now thus I have no right to feel that way. Hey! I’m no super hero, I had to deal with a lot of bosses, and I had a lot of missions to accomplish before the day ends so they shouldn’t expect me to learn everything over the weekend.

Lastly, things are getting more serious in the sense that I am now into a responsibility. I promised my nephew for a year of schooling fee so that means there will be no more Starbucks, shopping, Malling, and goodbye to my drinking buddies. It is time to make a worthy sacrifice. *sigh* I need a lot budgeting to do.

Election 2010

I feel bad and discouraged with what is happening in my life lately. First, I found out I had no credentials at the Medical school I attended for three years. That was crazy. I realized then that I had no valid I.D. to present to any of my important transactions to certify that I am Cristy May B. Espańola. And today the sad fact had just sink in: my disqualification to participate in a National Election. Argh! I so hate myself for being irresponsible and not having any place to go.

Indeed, Due to my failure to participate on 2007 local election I am now spending my time watching old movies instead of enjoying the heat of the sun outside while waiting for my turn to shade circles among other voters. I am so disappointed not to practice my right to vote and attend to my responsibility as a Filipino Citizen. Isn’t it sad not to be involved when you have no reason not to? I am healthy and I am not busy but I just can’t. I envy those who can play a part in making changes for the betterment of this country, or some good changes for our district just to lessen my expectation.

I know how valuable my vote is that’s why I feel horrible today. In that case, my concern can’t bring me anywhere and can’t change the fact that my name is not at the COMMELEC master list. My only hope is the success of this life changing event and may the elected country leaders be true to their words. May they lead the countrymen with good intentions and not with greed of power?