Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

I said I'm 26, they said I'm 25

I honestly thought I am 26 years old already!

I was with my mother earlier today when someone asked her of my age and she replied “ She's 25 years old”. She confused me because I’ve been telling and insisting people I’m 26. Almost two weeks ago, when I was confined to the hospital I told the man on admission record that there might be an error with their system in recording age. They may look so precise in recording my age as "25Y2M5D" but I insisted that I am a year older than stated. No one disagreed so I thought I was right. 

But then I was bothered that everyone’s reaction seems to agree with me even they actually don’t.

So here are the top three things I did to confirm my age.

• First, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper then listed February 1986, February 1987, February 1988 down to February 2011. I counted each year and the last on the list is the 25^th year. I counted over and over but the count doesn’t change except if I count the year 1986 as year one but everyone knows I celebrated my 1^st birthday on February 1987.

• Second, I searched my own archive. I posted on February 10, 2010 “Today is my 24^th birthday…", which only means I’m 25 this year. Now I wonder where I got this feeling that I already celebrated my 26^th birthday.

• Third, I searched online the word “People Power Revolution” an event which took place in 1986 which marked the restoration of the county’s democracy and by history for our family marked my birth. I was 12 day-old newborn back then and I as told we’re inside the Camp Crame where my father was confined due to a gunshot during one of the ambushes. On February 2011 the country celebrated its 25th Anniversary which only means that I, too, have celebrated my 25^th birthday. With this, I remember my life at the camp where we transferred after that revolution, when our house is located at the back of the police headquarters. I used to talk with and hang out with police officers in uniforms carrying guns. They never scared me until I realized they’re carrying deadly weapons but they’ve been my playmates back then. The police officers during those times called me “EDSA” instead of my own name.

Age confirmed!. I’m really 25 years old this year. I have nothing confused about.

Feels like what?!?

Today, I’m on my 18^th week. That was calculated based on my LMP which is not at all accurate. I'm doing good. I am fine. I'm happy.

Crap! 

Who told you pregnancy is a happy thing and where does "Wow!!! congratulations for being a mom-to-be!!!" started?. This kind of notion everyone has is pathetic.

The truth is sometimes I'm feeling good, the other times I feel unsecured.

Nowadays,  being appreciated is not enough . People around told me how pretty a mom-to-be I am like no other. Still, I feel like a perfect crap. The ugliest and a stinky pregnant who  hated to clean herself.

Then my insecurities with my partner's  past relationship bothers me a bit for the past month. I can't help it. I am worried for not having a strong foundation. But I was assured and felt the sincerity. Hypocrisy aside, I never felt so secure like this before. Well, not a perfect security one may be having. There are still things beyond our control that feeds this insecurities of mine.  The trust we're needing is certainly the center of our relationship. whew! You can never tell, so do I. Who knows about tomorrow anyway? No one does. Things can change in an instant. The world is tricky and the unknown will remain.

On top of this, I've been careless during the first "crucial month", ignorance though but can't help it but to feel guilty.   I underwent surgical extraction of an impacted molar which involves anesthetic, pain relievers and antibiotics. Not to mention the beers and cigars every Saturday night with my cousins and friends. With these reality, birth defects and complications been on my mind. 


My attitude is such a torture to my baby's development. I pleaded guilty for that. Now that I am on my half way of pregnancy, my prayers is that my baby will be freed from difficulties and be healthy despite all. My hope is a strong family ahead of us. 
 

Can't run

As early as five in the morning today, I walk down the road heading myself to Olivares plaza where I took my ride home from an overnight friend visit. The road was busy as it  is always, the only thing that was new to my senses was the cold air that I breathed—one unpleasant morning walk representing my life. I’m aspiring for comfort at the end of this journey.  

What am I here for anyway? I pushed everyone away out of my life. I decided to live my life on my own and now bothered with realization that I had no other reason why I'm living my life. All I know is that I needed to survive, for whatever reason it may be... I also hope to know.


I'm having one of those days when crying makes me feel better as if it washes pain away. Pain that in reality is insignificant.  How can I consider myself being empty when I feel like exploding? 

When things confused me this way—I wished I could run away. I am thinking of going out of town. Travel alone and come back when I feel good and when everything is clear. This time though, I can’t do things in an instant. I have my obligations and of course I’m broke!

Classification "C": Physically fit to work, but with minor condition that may be treated during employment

I had my pre-employment medical assessment today at Cross Medical Services (laboratory, X-ray, and Drug testing Clinic). I passed the drug test, physical exams were unremarkable, and had normal chest findings. However I was classified under “C”, I am physically fit to work but with minor condition that may be treated during employment. I was diagnosed with Urinary Tract Infection. My visual acuity appears normal except for my right eye having 20/30 vision. I was prescribed with antibiotic for seven days two times daily to cure the UTI and I had my eye wear to help me with my eye problem. And also, I wanted to note my weight which dropped from 53 kilos down to 47 in four months time . 

Earlier today, I thought of not going to process all these. In fact, the list of requirements was given to me three days ago and it was only today that I was able to convince myself to work on it. All my phones were on silent mode and I don’t accommodate calls in the idea that the agency might check on me. I’m not in the mood, not motivated, and feeling tired despite my “sleep-all-I-can” activity.

Then there’s an attending physician I met whom I mistaken as an assistant (he assisted me voluntarily so that was an honest mistake!) added more feelings of hesitation. A practitioner of three years , he was, tried to inspire me to go back to medical school instead of working. He talked more about his experience and commented a little about mine. He mentioned how he cursed his profession the day before his board exam which he passed, and then he just stayed home for two years without attending to any patients, just a home-sweet-home grandee. Well, that sounds great because there is another licensed doctor that been in my shoes. If only I had the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to study again, I will. But I have to make a stand for my declared wants. They might think I’m not firm on making decisions if I change my plans again. I don’t want to be labeled as a person who never finish what she had started.

I guess the best thing I heard from him and I never realized this until this afternoon actually is to live your life in a day to day basis. If your having a hard time and "tomorrow" is just a burden of today, live your day like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day to live by so finish what you have for today because you might not have enough time for unfinished tasks of yesterday. And if your already good, enter the room of complication little by little. Accordingly, it is a good way to prevent burning yourself out. True, why do I have to stress myself thinking of the next thing to do when in reality I have so much to work for at the present. 

Notwithstanding my sluggishness and my doubts, my requirements are almost complete. I just have to process my police clearance on Monday to complete the list. I already had in hand seven copies of Birth Certificate, three copies of E1 form from the Social Security System, three copies of medical certificate, two copies of Diploma as well as Transcript of Records, four copies of 2x2 and 1x1 pictures, and two pieces of long folder with fastener. My only hope is that the job is still available for me.

That's it for now, I needed some good laugh. Sis Aicee, brod Lom and I are going to have a cup of coffee again at Starbucks. I'm excited for my caramel macchiato! See yah!

Crossroads

Right now I am standing at the middle of the crossroads and the perfect thing is… I don’t know which path to take. There’s this path that will lead me to what I need—to the world where practicality prevails where I can earn a living, at least to support myself. The other one will lead me to the world of my wants—to become a doctor of medicine. I am considering both to be good although I am aware that sooner or later I have to decide which is better than the other.

For I am Lost

I don’t know about tomorrow and I admit that I have no idea about what is going on right now. My desire to stay disconnected had gone too far.

The path that I took is not worthy as I expected. I thought I'd be fine.

I don’t want to think I'm tracking the wrong path because I found no other road other than this one on my way here or I was just blinded by worldly pleasures, I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that I became irresponsible in choosing this kind of route.

I lost my directions and it's getting darker here. I brought no light to guide my way. I tried to figured out myself how to go back where I came from but I guess I had traveled more than I should. I can no longer trace my way home. I'm heading to nowhere and I don’t have strength to make another step.

God, please give me strength.

Aklan: I'll go home later in my life

I still have 53 nights and 52 days to think about it. I wonder if I should continue the risk of going back to Iloilo City (for me, this is a big deal) to attend a graduation—the awaited day, the only thing my parents asked from me in their own silent way, the only joy I could offer them so far—to see their bunso marching with her Sablay together with the rest of the Iskolars ng Bayan—almost my desperation, I never thought I made it.
                 Now that I already have in hand a copy of my eTicket going to Iloilo—everything in me is heightened—fear, anxiety, alarmed, name it. It is not simple, it is not easy... it is a risk. Again, this is a big deal... Pardon me for being such a narrow-minded... I just can't help it.
                Consider this: the moment I printed out the eTicket today, I found myself standing in the middle  of nowhere...things around me moves faster and faster while I, I am just there... standing, I don’t know why... how... and what is happening around me, all I know is that I was thousands of miles behind. So what I am trying to say here...  going back to the place I used to love is scary. I couldn’t find any word that could explain what I feel right now.—it scares me. In fact, If not for the graduation, I’ll surely will make a sacrifice of not seeing my friends and family and cancel my trip right at this very moment—the anticipated fun was gone, t’was replaced by fear in a matter of seconds.
                A common question which I ignored for a couple of weeks already with regards to it:  “Are you going home in Aklan then?”             
 There were realizations made—I had accepted the fact of how bad-mannered I been and realized the mess I made. I personally feel the guilt, feel so embarrassed... the feeling of “if only I could turn back time to avoid my thoughtless actions, then I will” I should have let things pass and let them be... but I didn’t...I was always over powered by my emotions back then. I am simply suffering the psychological consequences of it right now—I got no strength to face Aklan—I am still trying to restore my confidence right now... I hope this is good enough. I am just giving myself a chance to start a life, and later in my life...I’ll be going home.


originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Misunderstood

I am trying to figure out myself what makes my life miserable these past few days.  Those unexplained cause that made me feel like i am being one of the world’s outcast. Perhaps, its the rain that reminds me of the pains I been through, it is my frustration of having a meaningless life—I am extremely saddened and so disappointed with myself today.


I am trying to fix my broken life. I tried so hard but like a broken glass, I never have a chance to patch-up everything. There will always be an empty space, vanished parts and deformities. Life will never be as perfect as the way life before, no matter how hard I tried. There is no way for reinvention. I don't know, but I once believed that wearing a mask will make my life look better. It is the only way I could think of today. I have to hide those scars that marked my dark past.

I feel so down… so ugly… I am so exhausted… and yeah, wasted. I am truly impaired… Am I going to be a doctor or end up again in nowhere for a thousand time already. I hate that destination—a literally known “space” wherein you cant find any single thing around, an empty freedom.

Some people would say “I am just getting frustrated over something I should not”. Then, do you know how it feels to be like CRISTY?

    I am silently struggling to survive, fighting back myself—exactly, my greatest enemy as of now is myself. Do you know then how hard it is for me to contradict everything? I wanted to cry and revenge but I should not. I wanted to die but I should stand firm. My body and mind is becoming weaker each passing day—times that I need silence to convince myself that I have to be strong. It is exactly the abnormality I identified to be Major Depression and not just a feeling of blues and sadness.

This is bad, but all I wanted to do right now is to take revenge. I tried hard to let it go, but I can still hear those insults I got back home. I can still hear myself screaming in pain. And what hurts more is the fact that I been so nice— I been so good… but then they still did those wicked things pushing me to be BAD.

        And the stinging fact perhaps was those moments that I am in tears while they're all in laughter calling me crazy.

        Tell me now, am I really bad to think and feel this way?


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com