March 20, 2011

Feels like what?!?


Today, I’m on my 18th week. That was calculated based on my LMP which is not at all accurate. I'm doing good. I am fine. I'm happy.

Crap! 

Who told you pregnancy is a happy thing and where does "Wow!!! congratulations for being a mom-to-be!!!" started?. This kind of notion everyone has is pathetic.

The truth is sometimes I'm feeling good, the other times I feel unsecured.

Nowadays,  being appreciated is not enough . People around told me how pretty a mom-to-be I am like no other. Still, I feel like a perfect crap. The ugliest and a stinky pregnant who  hated to clean herself.

Then my insecurities with my partner's  past relationship bothers me a bit for the past month. I can't help it. I am worried for not having a strong foundation. But I was assured and felt the sincerity. Hypocrisy aside, I never felt so secure like this before. Well, not a perfect security one may be having. There are still things beyond our control that feeds this insecurities of mine.  The trust we're needing is certainly the center of our relationship. whew! You can never tell, so do I. Who knows about tomorrow anyway? No one does. Things can change in an instant. The world is tricky and the unknown will remain.

On top of this, I've been careless during the first "crucial month", ignorance though but can't help it but to feel guilty.   I underwent surgical extraction of an impacted molar which involves anesthetic, pain relievers and antibiotics. Not to mention the beers and cigars every Saturday night with my cousins and friends. With these reality, birth defects and complications been on my mind. 


My attitude is such a torture to my baby's development. I pleaded guilty for that. Now that I am on my half way of pregnancy, my prayers is that my baby will be freed from difficulties and be healthy despite all. My hope is a strong family ahead of us. 
 

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