That Woman...

Sketched by my high school friend, Merwin Abello

She was once the woman of determination
She once had the courage to conquer what is ahead of her
Strong as she was
She once a picture of a woman who stood undisturbed amidst circumstances

Time passed by her
She remained where she was until rusted
Until discouraged by her own fate
She lost it all
She remained hanging on that same wall
She remained just a picture

She forgot who she was
She even forgot where she came from
And then she forgot what she wanted to be

Forgotten by all
She abandoned her old self

That woman
Behind the picture is a woman wanting to live again
she wanted to bring with her the courage and determination she once had
She wanted to be the woman
...that woman

Good bye

My dear,

I'm supposed to write a letter that could inspire your day. I remember the day I promised myself to never let you feel sad…to never start your day bad just because I am feeling bad… because we are here to inspire each other’s lives...

But today my dear, I woke up feeling empty—

I am neither happy nor sad.

*sigh*

A sigh because the feeling is actually a well-defined one...

The truth is I’m wearing my other face to mask the reality.

I should be keeping this myself but allow me to be honest for once.

Allow me to say that I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling. I was trying to ignore the fact that I was brought by the emptiness to a place where I forbid myself to go. I found myself adrift the space of promises that made me feel unsatisfied to where I am to an extent of feeling discontented with what we are having.  I wanted to ignore the reality and trick myself to change what I feel (that’s why I said I’m neither happy nor sad) but the pain stabs so bad enough. Forgive me for this is not the life I wanted.

I said it was the happiest…

I promised to cherish the memory we created and we’ll create more of a lasting memory that could inspire both of us…

I was wrong…

It wasn’t easy and I’m not seeing any worth to keep this relationship any further…

I’m a weak. I was scared, I trembled until I lose grip…

I can no longer hold on because I can’t find the reason why I should…

Still, I hope to be reminded with because I love you…

But my dear, if saying good byes were destined…Let it be.

We don’t have to wait for us to be broken…

We don’t need to  feel the pain so to push each other…

All we need is just the word “Good bye”…as good as it is…

Let us allow happy thoughts to linger as we make our own ways…

Let's part our ways bringing happy memories with us because I wished to be in a place someday remembering all those times…

P.S.

Our bows had been in silent...

I hope that would make things easier.

I'll always love you

Election 2010

I feel bad and discouraged with what is happening in my life lately. First, I found out I had no credentials at the Medical school I attended for three years. That was crazy. I realized then that I had no valid I.D. to present to any of my important transactions to certify that I am Cristy May B. Espańola. And today the sad fact had just sink in: my disqualification to participate in a National Election. Argh! I so hate myself for being irresponsible and not having any place to go.

Indeed, Due to my failure to participate on 2007 local election I am now spending my time watching old movies instead of enjoying the heat of the sun outside while waiting for my turn to shade circles among other voters. I am so disappointed not to practice my right to vote and attend to my responsibility as a Filipino Citizen. Isn’t it sad not to be involved when you have no reason not to? I am healthy and I am not busy but I just can’t. I envy those who can play a part in making changes for the betterment of this country, or some good changes for our district just to lessen my expectation.

I know how valuable my vote is that’s why I feel horrible today. In that case, my concern can’t bring me anywhere and can’t change the fact that my name is not at the COMMELEC master list. My only hope is the success of this life changing event and may the elected country leaders be true to their words. May they lead the countrymen with good intentions and not with greed of power?  

The Forgotten

Leaning On

 At times, you think of nothing but to be given a chance. But chances are you can end up in a corner with nothing. For the worst of it, be disregarded. This is the time when a simple act of standing becomes easier said than done, like those bad times when you find yourself leaning on a wall nearby while waiting for someone to pick you up… someone to push you to keep you moving.

Those moments you always had; standing alone under the rain hoping raindrops can cleanse your soul and wash off  away all of the pain. In one second you have gone crazy, wanting to fall and letting go, wanting to fly away til the wind can dry your teary eyes.  

I had enough of it...

When everything is said and done,  then perhaps,I can bid the world goodbye.

Escapade

I'm preparing for "another escapade". Something that is never planned but not surprising, at least to me. Just exactly the same kind of journey only on a different kind of road.  Partly for a change of an environment (perhaps to find a space for growing because the old hiding place is suffocating already), and partly because I feel like running away, AGAIN.

True. Weeks from now, I'll be meeting some new friends, follow some new rules and regulations, deal with new people, adopt a new environment. But hey! normality speaks, being new and having one is everything; like a puppy is better that a dog, a puppy love is more exciting than a married relationship, a baby is  more entertaining than a grown-up, a gadget is cool only if it is still out of the market but when everything gets old and worn out, the excitement gone and fades as if it brought nothing to one's life. It is not all about running away, it can also be about making the impossible to come true-- restarting life-- a way to be admired and be appreciated once more..

To be able to find a place where you really belong is an assurance but I now consider how good it was to be a stranger at all times in all places. Good enough to run away when things gets worst.

closing eyes...

I apt to dwell in the dark and let the nightmare play as if I had no other choice but to scare myself and make a creepy ghost out of my existence.

I was shattered into pieces and turned into dust til my being is no longer visible and my essence gone.

I felt alone in a middle of the crowd.

And if closing one's eyes is a way that could prevent from sinking to abyss of melancholy then I would close mine.

Yet I learned that the more I face the world blindly, the darker my world becomes , and the greater my chances of falling apart into pieces.

While The World is Moving Around

I may not know where to stand right now because every place I went on seem to be occupied with "expectations".


I'll be right here for a moment, standing motionless in the midst a moving world. I resolved to do better, thus I am staying for a little while to see how the world moves and learn from it.  I'll be taking advantage on where I am right now.


I may not show up moving along with others right now. Maybe because I cant or I just don't want. No one knows and no one will. Everything will remain untold.


My life, my story, my failure, my success will  become "another story". Pieces of information will be gathered by some, but I'm not letting go of the important part, I'm holding on to the one that could complete my own story because I'll be completing it myself.

I don’t intend to be a mystery to anyone close to me. I just want to live my life on my own happy way and that's beyond everybody's expectations. A little of a practicality and bits of pretension can't bring me to where I wanted--I tried but I was brought to nowhere instead. I can assure myself with that.

Sooner or later, I'll be moving along the crowd too.

I can't find my way out...

Today is another day...

when all I wanted to do is to dig within and look for hope...

and all I wish to remember is how it feels like to be inside my mother's womb...

when I desire for nothing else but enlightenment...
I seem to be stranded amidst darkness...

Dark  and empty world... is this how it feels inside that womb? This is perhaps the reason why I wanted to see the world back then, its because of my search for light and freedom to move. Now that I'm feeling the same thing in almost the same situation of being in a dark... I wish I could find a way out here.

Round and Round it Goes

It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm listening to home radio manila. I cant sleep again.

Lately, I've been trying to block the world using my earphone. I intended to turn the radio on to drown myself into the sound of music and allow its melody to bring me into nothingness. Although, there are moments that the songs being played on air tears my heart apart and it awakens emptiness.

Some creepy thoughts. It seems that my neurons are actively doing their jobs  but my comprehension of what is it about is not working. The whole process is a failure.

And when I close my eyes I see a lot of things, faces, and places. I see no exact point where to stop for everything moves to and fro. I can hardly focus on what to think about. That's why what I'm doing right now is extremely tiring. Believe me. This is a torture.

One moment I laugh the other I cry and it goes round and round. Tired. Tired. And I'm really tired.

For I am Lost

I don’t know about tomorrow and I admit that I have no idea about what is going on right now. My desire to stay disconnected had gone too far.

The path that I took is not worthy as I expected. I thought I'd be fine.

I don’t want to think I'm tracking the wrong path because I found no other road other than this one on my way here or I was just blinded by worldly pleasures, I was overwhelmed with all the blessings that I became irresponsible in choosing this kind of route.

I lost my directions and it's getting darker here. I brought no light to guide my way. I tried to figured out myself how to go back where I came from but I guess I had traveled more than I should. I can no longer trace my way home. I'm heading to nowhere and I don’t have strength to make another step.

God, please give me strength.

Nothing....

 when nothing is left for you...

*this is not my original concept but I was the one who sketched

Nowhere to go

I had nowhere to go...

I feel so lost and empty...

I wish I could find myself so soon...

In my Deepest Silence

I seldom talk and decide… and worst, I hardly had a good choice of word and decision. It is always something to regret, actions and words that will soon attack me with guilt.

            So, what do you think is the best for me? Do I have to remain forever in silence and in passive stance? I know I am not smart but I am not dumb either.  Perhaps I need time to think of something that could make me a better person.

            This is what I mean of being back in reality: having the ability to recognize mistakes and the capacity to withstand it.

            People around know little things about me, and I am not asking them to know those silly details of my stupid life. There is no need to know those information’s just for me to be understood.

            Though I want people around me to consider the fact that they know little,  that's why there is no point of judging me.

            I wish they know that I am on my process of gaining my lost ground— finding my vanished essence of lonely existence—looking around for my missing low self-esteem

—no more, no less, no questions to be ask.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com

The Ghost in Me

What I got today as I woke up is a puzzled mind as always. Extreme emotions and those sentiments remains untold, it  continues to linger.

          Everything falls into its proper places but it seems it is never right—it quivers. Seems it was, seems it was right… but why am I still drowning into nothingness.

        Everyday I walk in this kind of road-- all about emptiness… its a never-ending empty spaces of  my life. Every step scares me; everything is at its critical point. I had been through kinds of horrors like this, but this time is different. Because what really scares me today is myself—there is a ghost in me wanting to revenge. Mutated feelings and distorted identity… I got nothing but hatred.

Originally posted at

cristymay.multiply.com