Nightmare

The Medicine Auditorium was occupied with Doctors from different departments gathered for an Anual Clinico Pathologic Conference when I arrived. It was an overwhelming crowd. I am actually contented being seated at the back where I had a perfect view of what everyone is doing.

Today I thought of my younger self, back in time when I am fuelled with determination. One fine young lady, I supposed, bursting with strong points and promises. I was once standing in front of the crowd voicing my eagerness to someday wear a white coat with a stethoscope hanging on my shoulder, top of this is completing my name with 2 letters added after my  father’s—M. and D.— letters that empowers a good reputation.

The Class prophecy I read in front of the crowd (which I personally wrote) was the only way I could tell the world that I have a dream—that I wanted to be someone if only given a chance. During those times, it was rather impossible for someone like me to afford a Medical School, and survive it as well.

I can specifically picture out how gloomy I was to be listed as BA Psychology when all I wanted was a Science Degree in Biology as a Pre-Med course even though I was not assured yet of pursuing Medicine. I finished BS Biology and Medicine too. I was always secured. I always believe in myself. I am strong. I was once undistracted.

Today as I return from a 6-day hiatus, I remember all these. I desire to be revived. I want to breathe once again, of good hope.  I need my nerve back.

But how can I possibly finish my end when I am, in reality suffocated with anger? There, I found myself running away from the auditorium after being reminded that I'm shattered. I fail to compose my intentions. I was made-up to regain my strength but still too weak.

I found myself crying as if this agony cannot be fought. What really hurts most is a part concealed until becomes a little obvious…that I’m losing myself along my fading dream.

Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

Love is something we can never beg for...

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not

For ten minutes, I rest in silence hoping to cross a solitary ground where I can muse. Nothing happened.

I wanted to break-free more than embracing this concealed loneliness within. There are actually uncertainties masked by contentment brought by the bundle of joy inside my womb. It is the joy that over powers doubt. It is the main reason why I tried not to entertain this doubts.I resolved to neglect all the doubts.

My mind on the other hand is seeking for clarity. It desires for a simple yet defined words that could explain the complications.  Could it be promises? Like an assurance that could otherwise save a desperate emotions.

Could constructing sentences out of a few promising words be enough to build the needed security?  

I doubt.

I was actually considering the possibility of betrayal—to be specific, a past relationship is most likely to regain the warmth of the said lost affection. I am honestly bothered by her who speak out for willingness to return. It took so much courage to do such actions unless very determined.

And I haven’t talk about this yet—of how she is making our relationship unsecured. I couldn't hate her either. In a way, I do appreciate how she is fighting and how she stands firmly for the sake of love.She is very well respected.

So I have chosen to keep things myself not to make matters worse for it can be my reaction (my doubt) to what is happening that can ruin my own life. I felt stupid (part of me disagreed, but my belief holds true) I once told my partner he can always decide, and every decision will be respected without having to explain why and how for I believe you can never dictate someone whom they should love.  Love is free of charge; it is not something we plead, not something to beg for.

This is just a simple choice—unspoken fears—a noble way to love.

There were days I haven’t heard of sweet nothings and half of those days I think of uncertainties.

However it doesn’t mean I don’t believe him. I was thinking that I don’t have to hate him just because of someone wants him back so bad. Yes, I am worried but that won’t make me love him less. I love him more each day despite distance between us.

Each talk we have is a surprise for I don’t expect he’ll make me feel special… lucky... and every word he utters is real. I am thankful. I can’t help but to believe because I can sense how genuine it is. Those doubts seem to be rubbish then.I was even assured but then I know things can happen beyond our control--So I stayed to be real--be open to all the possibilities life could offer.

And that’s reality.

I sometimes hate him.

I sometimes despise him.

I sometimes get jealous.

I am sometimes worried.

She sometimes made me feel insecure.

They both are freaking me out.

But...


I always love him...
and I love him more...
enough for me to believe and trust... 

Source: tumblr.com via Cristy on Pinterest

The Art of Twisting Things—Telling a Lie

There are things here on earth that never fails to deceive us. Given that almost all of us is a believer. We easily fall and believe things, sadly to an extent wherein we even want to consider believing lies. Sometimes, you can not even make a distinction between what is a lie and what is not. But to tell a lie never fails to save every one of us, it has an everlasting power I supposed. It is because you have a choice to alter things to make it beautiful. Truth on the other hand is always described by many as an ugly thing. When you’re on the side of telling the truths, you have no way to alter it to make it amazing. Truth often times stay as it is because if you will change the way it goes then it is already a lie.

The truth is, telling a lie is so rampant nowadays like there is no reason for us to stick to what is actually there. Many times have I tried to be honest and had chosen to be true, I ended up as bad person hurting everyone around aside from the humiliation factor. It’s like that I found a wall and all of a sudden hit my head on it in the hope that I could break it down myself. Every one here is learning the art of twisting the truth to appear more presentable in our senses. It is becoming every one's expertise. The world is indeed turning upside down. Little by little, all the good things gone, it became unacceptable and bad things found its place in our society.

And why am I so disturbed? Am I supposed to care when telling what wasn’t had been already a part of everyday norm?

Success is relative

SUCCESS IS RELATIVE

 I saw this statement printed on the shirt of an acquaintance friend. It is an eye-catching statement perhaps because I myself am a great believer of it.

I always had an argument with a friend or for the worst with someone who is different—which can make a discussion even harder to handle—whether to quit a profession, to settle down instead of finishing college for a degree, to end a relationship, to change plans in the midst of accomplishments among others is the most impractical decision one can ever made. I believe it is not always the case. That makes success a relative one. Everyone can become successful in their own ways. There are things that can make other people happy, but that very same thing can also be a reason for the depression of others. We can never tell and we can never judge unless a person declares he feels happy and contented about his life.

I know a person whose great want in life is to raise good kids and build a happy family. Her choice of quitting school is ridiculous. For some people she was considered a failure and a disappointment to her family. But she had never live her life like how others did.  Instead, she lived to her dream and showed the world how successful she been for having a simple yet happy and contented family.

True to that, you can never assume if a person had failed or had succeeded. To carry a suitcase, to wear corporate attire, to live in a mansion, to afford signatured stuffs, live in luxuries, to travel millions of miles, to shimmer with jewelleries, to attend to a most prestigious school, to work with influential people can never tell a person if he is successful. On contrary, to wear old rugged jeans, to buy imitation items, to stay for so long in a rural area, to work in a field, stay late to work harder to earn a living, to quit school, to marry young is not enough to tell a person had failed.

I'm not good at this, but I always believe that as long as you set goals and had met them and is trying to meet the rest, you are doing good.

Each and every one of us is a unique creation. My hope is that every one of us can appreciate the beauty of individuality. 

"Action Completed Your account has been cancelled"-- friendster

there goes the message saying "Action Completed Your account has been cancelled" from friendster. 

Perhaps, this is just a part of my craziness right now but I am so decided to cancel all my existing social accounts...  

I am drowning in pain again, I wanted to isolate myself from the world, stay disconnected, give some time for my self to think, go to place where I can see the whole picture of my life right now. I feel so small and the world around me is so big. I wanted it to be the other way around. It would be easy then.

Soon I'll be deleting facebook if can give up my yoville and farmville! (seriously, that's the only thing that keeps me holding) or better yet, erase another set of friends. I'm not going to do such with my multiply and blogger account though. The two remains my hiding place in moments like this-down, empty, and no one to talk to...this is where I confess everything.


I got friends alright, only that, it is a matter of accepting their criticism for me to grow or face their rejection. 

sometimes I like to believe that there are a lot of people out there who doesn't understand why some of us post what we feel in the net or blog instantly. An honest status at facebook for instance will not yield comments right their but when they see you in person they'll just surprise you with sarcasm. For them what is right is what they're doing. and if they're not doing what your doing then you are absolutely wrong! If something is difficult for them to manage, they'll tell you about the hardship they been through. If things become so easy in their part and not on yours, they'll tell you "what the hell, how come you don't know that?, are you serious?!?" as if your dumb and silly. 

They talk as if you have no right to feel emotions other than happiness.