December 22, 2007

Old Notes

I tried to scan my college notes in Basic Histology because we’ll be having our last exam for second shifting tomorrow. But then I was surprised to read an old message on the back dated January 18, 2007.

There I find out about how sad I was that day. I was supposed to go home to witness the Ati-atihan Festival but then I decided to spend the weekend in my dorm (without going out of the room) to give myself the time to think whether I’ll continue my tiring relationship with Alchel or end it up that very moment.

            Yeah, it did surprise me even the fact that I wrote it because I can’t remember those moments. For all this time, I thought I was the one who is left behind only to discover I did think about it.

            It was written that I been crying for weeks already that I wanted to end our relationship but it was my sympathy on him that is holding me (That was ridiculous of me, I know!). Those were the times I told him and force him to find a good job because I am not going to spend my life with a lazy and irresponsible, immature man. There was even a note that I intentionally insulted and hurt him, because I honestly hated him those times. I am so tired of challenging him. I don’t see a good man in him who could raise a family, while I dream of all the best and having a good life in the near future—he is incapable of that in my own point of you. I am losing all my trust for him that he will really be a good man. The letter was long; perhaps it took me my whole weekend writing such letter. Every word was revealing and surprising that I myself can’t even imagine I wrote it. At the end of the note reveals a striking message: “My only prayer today is for God to guide me that I’ll find a way to end a relationship in a nice way so soon—I am tired and only fools myself”

            Despite that realization, I still choose to hold on as a respect for his kindness to me. I can’t just dump him after all his help and cares… he been good to me.

And why the hell I was acting so crazy when he left? I should be rejoicing when we broke up. I was out of my mind.

But four months later… there goes my answered prayer! I don't know, but maybe it took so long that I forgot I did prayed for it J and by the time it granted me, I already learned to accept the faulty fact—he is the man for me though the realization was there—he is not.

It is good that he is out of my life today especially now that I am in med school. I will never trade my life today in anything else—being on the first step of my dream and having good friends around me who truly believes in my potential. I never felt this kind of good feeling.

I was isolated in my past. I can’t do this and that because of my respect to my boyfriend. I can’t be with my friends because he doesn’t like it. Everything was stupidity making someone to control me and hinders me to grow up and face the real world.

Now is an exact opposite world—and it was good. I can go out with friends and hang out with them anytime and any where we wanted to go. I can make plans on my own—the best part of it. I can realize things faster. I am free. I can see myself becoming a doctor someday. I can picture out myself attending a sick patient. I can do whatever I want to do because no one tries to control me. The feeling is good—enjoying life to the fullest.
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