Time travel: The Teddy bear I used to hurt

My childhood dreams...

When I grew up, I wanted a curly hair like that of “Goldilocks”.

When I grew up, I wanted to become a mermaid and swim the abyss of ocean.

When I grew up, I wanted to own a tree house.

When I grew up, I wanted to live the life of “Richie rich”

When I grew up, I wanted to write and draw as good as my sister. 

When I grew up, I wanted to become strong so I can lift the iron stand and also help my mother with other household chores.

and so on...

But there are two dreams that remain …

When I grew up, I wanted to travel the world.

When I grew up, I wanted to become Doctor Tim. 

I wanted to travel the world.

I can still remember that most of my elementary teachers used to ask us "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or “list the five things you wanted to do when you grow up”. Back then, I always knew what to write. Number one would always be “I want to travel the world” although I can’t stand to ride a jeepney back then because of motion sickness. I remember I even told my mother I wanted to go to Manila, but in one condition. I don’t want a ride. We will just walk! Crazy! Thanks God, motion sickness was long gone to me.

I wanted become a Doctor.

My 20-year old Teddy Bear, my mom got this as her award for being the "dealer of the month" of Tupperware

As I child, jobs such as doctors, lawyers, teachers and engineers are the professions to enter into minds so I've chosen to become a doctor. Mind set. I was also influenced by my mother who works in a district hospital as a nursing attendant. On some afternoons, since the hospital was just a walk away from our home, I was sometimes asked to bring her a dinner. I knew from those afternoons (of inhaling disinfectant, of listening to people cough and children cry, of seeing nurses on station preparing medicine for admitted patients) someday I’ll work as a medical practitioner too.

I’m sorry teddy for doing those to you.

My teddy bear became my first patient at home. I used to make a little cut in its forehead and back then pour in red ink (still stained until now). When the cut appears to be like of a real bloody wound I’ll stitch them using a sewing needle and thread. I sometimes apply lotion and creams too or apply Betadine solution.

I’m a grown up now. I went to medical school after I graduated college but it turns out, it’s not easy. I lose courage. I doubted myself as I study. The more I read, the more I feel I am not geared up.  I was hesitant if I could function effectively in life-and-death situations. I was in doubt if I can handle the responsibility of saving lives.

Little by little I was discouraged by my own fear. My mind burnt out.I became exhausted.

But then again, I knew my dreams. All I really need right now is to gain courage and be back in field.

Full-time Applicant

I'm thinking that maybe by now... I deserve an I.D. for being a regular applicant!

 :D

This job-hunting activity is exhausting. My interview and exam @ KNSI as administrative assistant earlier today is my 10^th on the list. For the past month, I was invited for an interview for the following:

·         Customer service representative

·         Medical Transcriptionist

·         Associate in Banking Reconciliation

·         Data Analyst

·         Front Desk Officer

·         Insurance Account Specialist

·         Medical Service Reperesentative

…And I’m waiting for the rest:

·         Loan Assistant

·         Medical Representative

·         Lab technician

·         Pharmacy Assistant

·         Fraud Prevention Agent

·         Billing Specialist

·         Health Care Associate

I’m Biology degree holder and I already opened my options to all kind of jobs available. The only assurance I can offer the employers I’m applying at is that I am always willing to learn and be trained. Sad to say, I failed to pass the screenings one after another. I am such a loser. That’s why I can’t get over with HSBC thing! If only I am responsible enough maybe I already got a job today. Loser!

Anyway, I’m actually trying to disregard my sentiment for today that I stumbled on another rejection. I’m getting use to it.

Coin

“I was told that if you happen to find a coin along the street you have to pick it up because it brings good luck. This morning, I found one but… I didn’t pick it up. 

Simply because I’m tired of believing that there is."

...that there is a good luck for me.

I just had a bad Monday to start the week. Opportunities always slip and I hate it when it does especially in a stupid way. Last Saturday, HSBC recalled informing me that I’m going to report today as a trainee. That was after failing their screening exam last month. Undeniably, I am lucky for the chance. But I was so drunk during the weekend that I didn’t make it. I woke 12:00 pm today while I was asked to report at exactly 6:00 in the morning. I know I am stupid. I let go of the opportunity they’ve given me and I so hate myself for being irresponsible

Election 2010

I feel bad and discouraged with what is happening in my life lately. First, I found out I had no credentials at the Medical school I attended for three years. That was crazy. I realized then that I had no valid I.D. to present to any of my important transactions to certify that I am Cristy May B. Espańola. And today the sad fact had just sink in: my disqualification to participate in a National Election. Argh! I so hate myself for being irresponsible and not having any place to go.

Indeed, Due to my failure to participate on 2007 local election I am now spending my time watching old movies instead of enjoying the heat of the sun outside while waiting for my turn to shade circles among other voters. I am so disappointed not to practice my right to vote and attend to my responsibility as a Filipino Citizen. Isn’t it sad not to be involved when you have no reason not to? I am healthy and I am not busy but I just can’t. I envy those who can play a part in making changes for the betterment of this country, or some good changes for our district just to lessen my expectation.

I know how valuable my vote is that’s why I feel horrible today. In that case, my concern can’t bring me anywhere and can’t change the fact that my name is not at the COMMELEC master list. My only hope is the success of this life changing event and may the elected country leaders be true to their words. May they lead the countrymen with good intentions and not with greed of power?  

Dance of a freaky circle

My brain turns on and off, and any moment from now I'm afraid it’s going to shut down for good. I am not going to say goodbye though. This is not a farewell. I can’t think of anything good or anything bad for that matter. My brain is completely drained. Except for the fact that I'm writing to post something for my blog site to express what I'm feeling right now. If only I could squeeze my brain and hit my head on a wall until something drops out, I certainly will.

I don’t know but I guessed it is more appropriate to say I'm having a little touch of complication. I mean something I can't comprehend my self like random thoughts coming out of my mind I can barely appreciate. Everything seems to be hit-and-miss moments. There is a mixed of empty emotions within me--mixed but empty.

Maybe I am just bored right now, (just like the old times, just exactly as yesterday). And needless to say, a little bit frustrated with what is happening as well as to the life around me. Lifeless, empty, and frustrating—the whole thing is becoming a routine. I wake up at 9:30 in the morning. It’s simply because of own my biological clock or often times it’s my mother’s voice that starts my lazy day. As hard as I try to begin my day with a smile, sometimes I just cant. I am so humiliated and I can plainly feel how things get worst around me. Pressured I may be, but I’m trying to defend myself against the awkwardness. My shame is crushing me down each time I eat breakfast and drink a cup of milk—I pleaded guilty for eating the food I haven’t worked for because at my age I should be bringing foods at the table and not just taking it. Washing a two or three plates can at times be stressful, believe me. It reminds you of being alone—hey, you just ate your breakfast all by yourself and perhaps you’ll be eating lunch alone too!

I always had time in our hammock; my day is never complete without the place where my day dreams and fantasies happens. Sometimes I’m lucky if I can go out to access the net via my plug-in Globe tattoo kit at the public plaza of our town, of course that is after asking my parents for money to reload. Sigh. I wonder how it feels to give money instead of asking them. I am so desperate to feel how it is yet here I am, even worst than a limp man, doing nothing. When evening comes I read, as simple as that but I wished you could feel me while I read. I’m trying to hold on as hard I can. I’m crossing my fingers for all of these. My world is getting smaller and smaller each passing day and the air I breathe is sickly sweet. My dream is starting to fade away but I’m trying to embrace what is left. Everyday I go to bed sleepy or not after watching my favourite reality show at ABS-CBN--the only program I been watching religiously for the past 2 weeks since it started, the Pinoy Big Brother. Going to bed is no big deal in any way because all I have to do is cry until my eyes get tired—I can fall asleep soundly by that. Sleeping is that easy, a little tough maybe but I’m getting used to it. Then I wake up at exactly 9:30 the next morning and begin all over again. This is my life for the past 5 weeks.

Most of the time I listen to the playlist of random songs saved at my windows media player. And this morning I realized I had fallen in love with its visualization—the dance of a freaky circle—it can drown me into nothingness and make me numb for a moment or two. This is the best I can think of to kill this boredom before it can kill me. The freaky circle reminds me of the two forces wanting to attract each other yet no matter how hard they tried they always repel. Isn’t it a perfect picture of what is happening right now? One circle represents me and the other represents what I want—that no matter how eager I always am to take hold of my wants in life, nothing good happens. The nearer I get the farther it goes. And just like being entertained by the dancing circles, (freaky indeed) I am somehow got the feeling not to go anywhere else, and become contented of what I got. Being here is compelling despite my frustration. I'm getting to like it.

Right now, what scares me most is to let go of my dreams and to let go of myself in exchange of what is happening now. Do I really have to? My! Dancing freaky circles.

Good night world!

Going home...

I hardly believe I'm going home today. My bags are ready, all packed up in one corner. But I am not, I'm sitting on a floor trying to hold my tears while my eyes on  my baggage, yeah! and I'm trying to talk to myself again as I write here. what I feel right now can be likened to a death of someone close to my heart,*nod* but lesser than that I supposed.  I thought of going home long before the result of the promotion board came out and I was anticipating then that I'm not gonna make it to the list but I never thought of it this hard. I guessed, it's my hope that fails me. oh! disappointments seems to be everywhere. I'm praying to wake up one day free of rage because I'm really mad right now.

I'm going home, and I guess...there is a long and winding road that awaits me.

Puting Elepante

"Alam mo ba kung bakit may white elephant dyan?" tanong nya sakin habang tinuturo ang isang larawan ng mag-inang elepante na nakapicture frame. Napalingon naman ako para lang tingnan kahit parang ayaw ko ng sakyan ang mga analogy nya, di na ako interesadong malaman pa. Ngangalahating oras na rin kasi akong nakaupo sa loob ng opisina nya. Pakialam ko naman kasi sa elepanteng yan, oo maganda ang frame at aristic ang larawan, mother and child  elephant version kaya ang tinutukoy nya? a hindi ko alam. Sasagot sana akong "SB" ba yan, pero for sure di naman nya gets un.

"sana white elephant na lang ako"

Pero di nagtagal dahil sa sobrang tahimik sa loob ng  maliit na opisinang yon, tinanong ko na rin sya kung bakit may puting elepante sa opisina nya.

"Yan, para lang project ng gobyerno natin yan".

Ah naisip ko, baka galing sa politika, pero bakit picture frame lang? Grabe, ang babaw ko na talaga mag isip, naramdaman ko talaga ang kababawan ko sa mga oras na yon. Parang ang bigat bigat ng ulo ko at napapatungo na lang ako, utak ko ba ung mabigat?... panay hangin na utak. Hangin gustong sumingaw, may namumuong pressure. Butasan ko kaya ulo ko. Hay, daming kabaliwan naiisip ko.  Mga walang kwentang bagay sa mundo ang bumibisita sa utak ko. Mabalik tayo, marami naman akong nakikitang furniture na elephant sa mga bahay-bahay, siguro Good luck yan ni doc d2 sa office nya! ayon! isa pang kababawan yon, biru mo at naiisip ko mga ganong bagay.

"Wala namang white elephant, di ba?", dagdag pa nya.  Oo nga ano, natauhan ako sa follow up question nya, mukhang seryoso siya sa gusto nyang sabihin sa akin. Handa naman akong makinig, parang ayaw ko na ngang lumabas ng opisinang yon, di ko na din kasi alam kung saan ako pupunta pagkatapos ng pag-uusap na namin.

"kasi parang proyekto ng gobyerno yan, WALANG LAMAN, PAKITANG TAO LANG YAN". Ang nasabi ko lang "Sana elephant na lang ako". At sumang ayon naman sya sa hinangad ko, tumango lang sya.

Katahimikan. nakakabining katahimikan habang nakikita ko ang mga kaklase ko na nagtatawan sa labas ng silid na yon. Ang galing nga e, wala akong naririnig na kahit ano, nabingi na yta ako sa pangyayari.

"Alam mo, pareho tau, nakikita ko nga ang sarili ko sau e... balang araw alam ko magiging ikaw ung ako ngayon kasi ako noon? parang ikaw ngayon!. tawa lang ako sa sinabi nya pero sa totoo lang naninikip na ang dibdib ko at gusto ko ng sumabog. Luha lang at ngiti ang naibabalik ko sa kanya.

"Kaya nga isipin mo ang elepanteng yan, tingnan mo ako... nagagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko ngayon dahil ginawa ko na parang elepante ang buhay ko". di ko napigilan ang luha ko sa sinabi nya sa akin."hindi naman ako to e, di ko to gusto, may iba akong gusto kala mo ba".

Buntong hininga. Papayat na ako sa kakabuntong hininga ko.

Kung tutuusin, tama naman. May point sya sa sinabi nya, isa nga lang itong malaking contradiction sa paniniwala ko na mararamdaman mo ang  isang tagumpay kapag ang ginagawa mo ay gusto mo. Pagiging praktikal na nga lang ba ang laban ngayon? naguguluhan ako sa gusto kong paniwalaan at dapat kong paniwalaan. Pakiramdam ko humihina na ang kakayahan ko na ipaglaban ang paniniwala ko sa buhay. Nagiging marupok na nga ako. Parang gusto ko na rin paniwalaan ang paniniwala ng ibang tao, mukhang masaya at matagumpay naman yta.

Di ko alam anong puwede kung maramdaman. Matatawa ba ako sa sinabi nya? matutuwa ba ako kasi alam ko na hindi ako nag iisa sa nararamdaman ko? malulungkot ba ako kasi umabot pa sa ganito ang pag uusap namin.

Tahimik lang akong umiiyak sa isang tabi habang siya seryoso nya akong tinititigan at nagkukwento tungkol sa  buhay mula ng pumasok sya sa isang med kahit hindi nya gusto, nag negosyo pagkatapos, naisipang magturo, at ngaun kaharap ko na bilang isang Executive Dean namin sa College of Medicine. Ang layo ng narating nya no? pero hindi nya gusto ang sinimulan nya.

At oo, tama siya. wala nga kaming pinagkaiba. May mga bagay na ayaw mo na sanang ipagpatuloy, pagod ka na, gusto mo ng magsuka, masakit na sa ulo, pero makikita mo nalang sarili mo na pumipilit bumangon sa higaan isang umaga kasi wala ka ng choice, andyan ka na e. pero minsan makikita mo din sarili  mo na nag eexcel sa mga bagay na hindi mo naman gusto. Isang beses lang akong lumapit sa kanya para sabihing di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito sa Med skul na to. natawa lang sya noon, pati ako natawa lang din sa sinabi ko. Alam pala nya kung anong nararamdaman ko.

naikwento pa nya sa akin na natutuwa sya noong 1st 2 years ko perpetual. gusto kung sabihin sa kanya na kahit ako natutuwa noon. ngunit napahagulhol na lang ako ng sinabi nyang...

"parang biglaan naging isa kang pagong, nakikita kita e... gusto ko nga magtanong kaso di ka naman lumalapit kung anong problema, bigla ka na lang tumago sa shell mo at di ko na nakita ang dating ikaw".

Haiz, gusto ko talaga sanang matawa sa mga analogy nya, pero sa halip naiyak na lang ako. ganon na pala ka transparent ang buhay ko?. Kahit ang isang busy na tao na kagaya nya e napansin pa yon. Kung tutuusin yan ang innisip ko ilang araw na, parang missing link sa buhay ko ang pagiging 3rd year sa medicine. Di ko alam ang nangyari, di ko namalayan na tapos na pala ang taon, di ko alam na March na pala ngaun. Di ko alam. Di ko talaga alam. Gusto ko noong magpanic bakit March na pala... mukhang na i-blog ko pa nga yon. Totoo naman kasi, literal akong naalarma.

"Alam mo ba na gusto kung yanigin ang mundo mo para matauhan ka". Galit. sa pagkakataong ito, galit ang nanaig sa akin, bakit sino ka ba, Diyos ka ba para yumanig ng isang mundo. pero di ko talaga alam kung kanino ako magagalit. sa sarili? sa kanila? sa'yo?

 Luha pa rin ang sagot ko sa mga sinasabi nya. nawalan na ako ng lakas ng loob  para magsalita pa. Nakakaramdam na ako na lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay niyayanig ang mundo ko.

Sa mga oras na yon, gusto ko makapag isp kung bakit, kung ano bang nagawa ko, kung anong klaseng tao ako. Tumayo ako, nagpaalam, umuwi, umiyak, at heto na ako, nagkwento ng araw ko.

Nagpapasalamat na lang ako na kahit papano, pagiging white elephant man o hindi, may nakakarelate sa nararamdaman ko.

PS
 pag may nakita kayong isda sa opisina nya balang araw, ako daw yon.
Di ko masyado na-gets kung pano ako naging isda at kung bakit nya nasabing gusto nya akong ilagay sa isang maliit na fish bowl. :) Nag explain naman sya, di ko lang na digest.
Tawa na lang, lurkey na ako e...

My Fault

It’s been months since I talked about how I recognized my faulty ways of being a med student on my post entitled “Crazy-Lazy-Future-MD, but nothing had  change. I am still the person doing things  I used to hate.

The exams were bad—including my beloved biochemistry, I made no exemption in my assessment. It was really a promising hell. And I got no man to promise myself that I’ll be better this coming 4th shifting; not this time. Shame on me if I will!

I know this is all because of immaturity, I hate it. I always took things for granted and often times I lost myself. I wish I could make myself hang free—free from madness, hang loose from it.   Damn and shame on me for letting things get into my nerves. It’s my entire fault anyway; I should have made a way not to let things distract me in any way.

 I know I am making another ghost to scare myself—the saddest truth. That’s it.

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com

Physiology, talaga naman

Failing the Physiology shifting exam today is not bad at all. I mean, I deserved what I got. Besides, the score was even better than what I expected (heheh).  Blame it on me. I know its bad but I honestly did not read my notes last night. I just don’t feel reading those chapters and chapters of “blah blah blah” basics of medicine.
Basic as it is!...and I hope I understand what a "basic" means in medicine, right? (sigh).
Anyway, its good that I failed the exam (though i was the only one in class who feels lucky:-) and oh! I forgot to thank Dra for cancelling my seminar report on Headache! (After I printed it out and after making a presentation for the class) sarcastically aside... it makes me feel good--coz it is my way to shift my "hatred" from something stupid... at least i am hating the right thing:-)

xa cge, gising na si weng! sa wakas kakain na kami...hehehe

Originally posted at cristymay.multiply.com