April 25, 2010

Dance of a freaky circle

My brain turns on and off, and any moment from now I'm afraid it’s going to shut down for good. I am not going to say goodbye though. This is not a farewell. I can’t think of anything good or anything bad for that matter. My brain is completely drained. Except for the fact that I'm writing to post something for my blog site to express what I'm feeling right now. If only I could squeeze my brain and hit my head on a wall until something drops out, I certainly will.

I don’t know but I guessed it is more appropriate to say I'm having a little touch of complication. I mean something I can't comprehend my self like random thoughts coming out of my mind I can barely appreciate. Everything seems to be hit-and-miss moments. There is a mixed of empty emotions within me--mixed but empty.

Maybe I am just bored right now, (just like the old times, just exactly as yesterday). And needless to say, a little bit frustrated with what is happening as well as to the life around me. Lifeless, empty, and frustrating—the whole thing is becoming a routine. I wake up at 9:30 in the morning. It’s simply because of own my biological clock or often times it’s my mother’s voice that starts my lazy day. As hard as I try to begin my day with a smile, sometimes I just cant. I am so humiliated and I can plainly feel how things get worst around me. Pressured I may be, but I’m trying to defend myself against the awkwardness. My shame is crushing me down each time I eat breakfast and drink a cup of milk—I pleaded guilty for eating the food I haven’t worked for because at my age I should be bringing foods at the table and not just taking it. Washing a two or three plates can at times be stressful, believe me. It reminds you of being alone—hey, you just ate your breakfast all by yourself and perhaps you’ll be eating lunch alone too!

I always had time in our hammock; my day is never complete without the place where my day dreams and fantasies happens. Sometimes I’m lucky if I can go out to access the net via my plug-in Globe tattoo kit at the public plaza of our town, of course that is after asking my parents for money to reload. Sigh. I wonder how it feels to give money instead of asking them. I am so desperate to feel how it is yet here I am, even worst than a limp man, doing nothing. When evening comes I read, as simple as that but I wished you could feel me while I read. I’m trying to hold on as hard I can. I’m crossing my fingers for all of these. My world is getting smaller and smaller each passing day and the air I breathe is sickly sweet. My dream is starting to fade away but I’m trying to embrace what is left. Everyday I go to bed sleepy or not after watching my favourite reality show at ABS-CBN--the only program I been watching religiously for the past 2 weeks since it started, the Pinoy Big Brother. Going to bed is no big deal in any way because all I have to do is cry until my eyes get tired—I can fall asleep soundly by that. Sleeping is that easy, a little tough maybe but I’m getting used to it. Then I wake up at exactly 9:30 the next morning and begin all over again. This is my life for the past 5 weeks.

Most of the time I listen to the playlist of random songs saved at my windows media player. And this morning I realized I had fallen in love with its visualization—the dance of a freaky circle—it can drown me into nothingness and make me numb for a moment or two. This is the best I can think of to kill this boredom before it can kill me. The freaky circle reminds me of the two forces wanting to attract each other yet no matter how hard they tried they always repel. Isn’t it a perfect picture of what is happening right now? One circle represents me and the other represents what I want—that no matter how eager I always am to take hold of my wants in life, nothing good happens. The nearer I get the farther it goes. And just like being entertained by the dancing circles, (freaky indeed) I am somehow got the feeling not to go anywhere else, and become contented of what I got. Being here is compelling despite my frustration. I'm getting to like it.

Right now, what scares me most is to let go of my dreams and to let go of myself in exchange of what is happening now. Do I really have to? My! Dancing freaky circles.

Good night world!

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