February 26, 2008

Aklan: I'll go home later in my life

I still have 53 nights and 52 days to think about it. I wonder if I should continue the risk of going back to Iloilo City (for me, this is a big deal) to attend a graduation—the awaited day, the only thing my parents asked from me in their own silent way, the only joy I could offer them so far—to see their bunso marching with her Sablay together with the rest of the Iskolars ng Bayan—almost my desperation, I never thought I made it.
                 Now that I already have in hand a copy of my eTicket going to Iloilo—everything in me is heightened—fear, anxiety, alarmed, name it. It is not simple, it is not easy... it is a risk. Again, this is a big deal... Pardon me for being such a narrow-minded... I just can't help it.
                Consider this: the moment I printed out the eTicket today, I found myself standing in the middle  of nowhere...things around me moves faster and faster while I, I am just there... standing, I don’t know why... how... and what is happening around me, all I know is that I was thousands of miles behind. So what I am trying to say here...  going back to the place I used to love is scary. I couldn’t find any word that could explain what I feel right now.—it scares me. In fact, If not for the graduation, I’ll surely will make a sacrifice of not seeing my friends and family and cancel my trip right at this very moment—the anticipated fun was gone, t’was replaced by fear in a matter of seconds.
                A common question which I ignored for a couple of weeks already with regards to it:  “Are you going home in Aklan then?”             
 There were realizations made—I had accepted the fact of how bad-mannered I been and realized the mess I made. I personally feel the guilt, feel so embarrassed... the feeling of “if only I could turn back time to avoid my thoughtless actions, then I will” I should have let things pass and let them be... but I didn’t...I was always over powered by my emotions back then. I am simply suffering the psychological consequences of it right now—I got no strength to face Aklan—I am still trying to restore my confidence right now... I hope this is good enough. I am just giving myself a chance to start a life, and later in my life...I’ll be going home.


originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

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