February 26, 2008

Aklan: I'll go home later in my life

I still have 53 nights and 52 days to think about it. I wonder if I should continue the risk of going back to Iloilo City (for me, this is a big deal) to attend a graduation—the awaited day, the only thing my parents asked from me in their own silent way, the only joy I could offer them so far—to see their bunso marching with her Sablay together with the rest of the Iskolars ng Bayan—almost my desperation, I never thought I made it.
                 Now that I already have in hand a copy of my eTicket going to Iloilo—everything in me is heightened—fear, anxiety, alarmed, name it. It is not simple, it is not easy... it is a risk. Again, this is a big deal... Pardon me for being such a narrow-minded... I just can't help it.
                Consider this: the moment I printed out the eTicket today, I found myself standing in the middle  of nowhere...things around me moves faster and faster while I, I am just there... standing, I don’t know why... how... and what is happening around me, all I know is that I was thousands of miles behind. So what I am trying to say here...  going back to the place I used to love is scary. I couldn’t find any word that could explain what I feel right now.—it scares me. In fact, If not for the graduation, I’ll surely will make a sacrifice of not seeing my friends and family and cancel my trip right at this very moment—the anticipated fun was gone, t’was replaced by fear in a matter of seconds.
                A common question which I ignored for a couple of weeks already with regards to it:  “Are you going home in Aklan then?”             
 There were realizations made—I had accepted the fact of how bad-mannered I been and realized the mess I made. I personally feel the guilt, feel so embarrassed... the feeling of “if only I could turn back time to avoid my thoughtless actions, then I will” I should have let things pass and let them be... but I didn’t...I was always over powered by my emotions back then. I am simply suffering the psychological consequences of it right now—I got no strength to face Aklan—I am still trying to restore my confidence right now... I hope this is good enough. I am just giving myself a chance to start a life, and later in my life...I’ll be going home.

originally posted at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Recently I Wrote about...

Search This Blog

Born to Rant

happy (34) Med life (29) hope (29) struggle (25) realization (24) bored (23) love (21) relationship (20) sad (20) friends (19) hate (19) pain (18) disappointment (17) pregnant (17) baby (16) empty (16) choice (15) lost (15) moving on (15) home (14) searching (14) plan (12) family (11) fear (11) fraternity (10) letter (10) tired (10) writing (10) Confuse (9) Failure (9) bum (9) freedom (9) frustration (9) missing you (9) work (9) blog (8) funny (8) letting go (8) prayer (8) time travel (8) travel (8) drawing (7) facebook (7) responsibility (7) silence (7) trust (7) unfaithful (7) Memory (6) Rain (6) belief (6) distracted (6) expectations (6) medicine (6) Lazy (5) Regret (5) U.P. Miag-ao (5) acceptance (5) becoming a doctor (5) crazy (5) food (5) Aklan (4) MD Mom (4) TOP TEN THINGS (4) alone (4) break-ups (4) destiny (4) misunderstood (4) success (4) truth (4) unfair (4) Gossip (3) birthday (3) coffee (3) dream (3) dreams (3) envy (3) mad (3) personality (3) pretend (3) promises (3) puzzle (3) regrets (3) 100 days to heaven (2) affair (2) annoyed (2) anotherday (2) christmas (2) contentment (2) death (2) forgiveness (2) friends zone (2) guilt (2) insomnia (2) laughter (2) lover (2) numb (2) phone calls (2) poem (2) positive (2) pursue (2) rant (2) Father's day (1) Leech (1) Mother (1) Vigan City (1) Working mom (1) age (1) breakfast (1) clerkship (1) color (1) driver (1) emoticon (1) friends with benefit (1) graduation (1) lesson (1) lie (1) make-up (1) monday madness (1) mondaymadness (1) monthsary (1) new year (1) office (1) pictorial (1) poker face (1) poor service (1) pressure (1) prophecy (1) puting elepante (1) rejection (1) ring (1) rubix cube (1) sacrifice (1) shopping (1) stay-at-home-mom (1) studio (1) summer (1) thanks (1) tide wave (1) yosi (1)