Thirty Five Minutes Gone

I have exactly thirty five minutes before the day is over. I’ve been lying all alone in my bed for hours trying to get a good sleep but then was disturbed by some creepy thoughts. The current condition out here is not a picture perfect but still can be pictured out; All lights are gone, the music stopped playing, the television been turned off, all I hear is nothing but silence. With this awareness of how dark my surrounding is, I feel like I’m nowhere to be found. All I could ever see outside this room is dark just exactly what I feel inside me. From within I can sense how big the universe is, boundless.

I’m somewhere there. Can you see me amidst the sparkling dots? Maybe the smallest one...or perhaps you can no longer see me at all because everyone’s glow darkens mine. 

The big world makes me feel smaller than I am.

Source: None via Cristy on Pinterest

I am being embraced by loneliness. I’m totally disarrayed to pick the right reason to be happy. I’m blinded by everyone’s glimmer, so blinded not to appreciate my own spark anymore.

Yet I’m a fool if I’ll say I had no reason to smile because I know I have a lot around me. I’m lost. I appear to be missing one precious thing.

I have thirty five more minutes (maybe already lessened by now) to complete one mission tonight: To be freed and to break-away from what is current.

Let me see…

Aside from watching movies aired on HBO and Star Movies I was busy updating my social network accounts. As you can see, I am good-for-nothing spending most of my days talking to random people about random things by just sitting inside my room.

I am busy with pinterest. As they say, re-pinning is such a fun reminder of the clothes you’ll never afford, the home décor that will never fit into a small room, the recipes and crafts you’re too lazy to make, the saying you wasn’t clever enough to think of your own, and the photos you wish you had taken but didn’t. The only good thing I can see in this site is that the feeling brought by someone who re-pinned what you already pinned. It makes you feel that somebody out there shares the same interests with you.

As always, I am Busy with “facebook” which was likened by one member to a “jail” where you sit around to waste time , have a profile picture, write on wall and get poked by guys who really don’t know you. A place where people like your problems and would commenting on them but will keep you hanging. It is a place where you witness how people achieve and celebrate life while you try to update yours hoping they’ll see you celebrating also even if you are actually not. In the end, connecting to people can disconnect you to who you really are because you try to be one of them. Well, at least that is from my own point of view.

And then I am busy with plurk, my life on the line. The latest social network I registered with where I choose not to show other members my personal details; only a screen-name, my gender and country. Sometimes it’s funny how you interact with people whom you don’t know but talk like you already know them for years. You exchange stories then the next hours they’re gone leaving you ideas on how people is from different walks and times.

 The top of this is that I totally lost my passion on writing blog despite the creepy and disturbing thoughts. It seems that those short lines I posted such as “I hate it” and “I’m sleepy” among others was enough to get rid of the disturbing mood I’m into. I post like everyone is interested with what I'm doing every second. That's not true in any way, the hell they care with the movie I watch, the food I'm eating, the mood I'm having.

But it is never enough to keep myself busy. I left myself disturbed. Here I am, back and ready to rant.

Tonight’s challenge is to bring back my old self, the one who find ranting as way of making something good for one’s way of life. To write hoping to make some realizations and attribution. In any way, find answers.

Because despite all the wonderful things that is happening right now I am confused if I truly feel it as wonderful or I just think of it as it is. Am I just here convincing myself?

I sometimes wonder why am I here and where should I supposedly be if I am not. Maybe I can call this “regrets”. That maybe if I’m only good and wise enough I am not here isolating myself in fear nor crying to sleep all night. I should be out there enjoying more of life.

I sometimes wonder if I could still be good and will I ever find my lost ground again. It’s been days of questioning existence; how come? Why then? What should be? It’s been days of daydreaming on all the things I really wanted.

These are all about wanting the things I never had and I never did.

But I can never turn back the time as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure if I can move on as the old me or I should be the other person walking forward to face what is ahead tracking a different path.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I think thirty five minutes is not enough.

Times up! If you'll be needing me, see me in space...